I See You

Chapter 1

Sergeant Olivia Benson sat by her desk sorting out a pile of paperwork, or rather, trying to sort them out. Her mind was elsewhere and her thoughts were jumbled and stressed. Sighing she took her glasses off and placed them in her case that was neatly placed on the dark polished mahogany surface. Looking out through the glass window of her office she saw her colleagues working hard to catch the dangerous perps that wandered the streets of New York City day and night. Fin, Carisi, Dodds and Rollins, except the female blonde was not in the building, not in the bullpen and not by her desk. Her space was empty, a clean desk with nothing on it but a big chunk of files waiting to be looked through and updated.

Olivia had sent the young blonde home, earlier that day, to get some much needed rest and try to ease her stress levels. Her blood pressure was low and being almost seven months pregnant it was more of a necessity and precaution to send her home rather than just an order to follow to please her boss.

Amanda Rollins was a hard worker, always been and always would be. Olivia could tell from the very start and the very first case they worked togther that the petite blonde was headstrong, dedicated and very accomplished in her profession. She would go that extra mile for a victim and would do everything she possibly could to catch the bad guys. Olivia was exactly the same but yet different. Amanda, sometimes, would get ahead of herself and act too quickly and not think about the consequences of her actions. Olivia, on the other hand, always made sure she did everything by the book and never jumped to conclusions before things were properly and thoroughly investigated and supported with strong and solid evidence.

Amanda's younger sister, Kim, had today been sent to prison, while waiting for sentencing and her upcoming trail, and her mother had made it clear that Amanda was no longer her daughter and wanted nothing more to do with her until she understands the real meaning and value of family. Her mother had always been on Kim's side, even as children she would side with Kim and stick up for her youngest daughter. She had obviously thought that, by some miracle, that Amanda would get her sister out of prison and clear her record but had become very hostile and threatening towards Amanda when she realized that the blonde couldn't do anything about it. Even if she could clear her sister's name she still wouldn't do it. Not after all the stress she had caused Amanda in the past.

Alone and pregnant was not something anyone should go through and Olivia couldn't help but to worry about her young detective. Coming from a troubled childhood and a dysfunctional family herself she could relate to what Amanda must be going through and it pained her.

It was almost six pm and already dark outside. Placing her long black coat over her broad shoulders she decided it was time to leave. She wanted to check in on the blonde to see how she was doing and quickly made a call to her baby sitter telling her that she would be home later and to give Noah lots of kisses and cuddles. Lucy, the sitter, was always eager to please and had no problem staying longer.

"Going home, Sarge?" Fin looked up from his computer screen and raised his eyebrows.

Liv smiled and let out a breath. "Yeah, I think we should all call it a day... or night. It's been a long one." she sighed.

Carisi and Dodds began shutting down their computers and gathering their stuff together, ready to wrap it up. Fin did the same before grabbing his leather jacket hanging at the back of his chair. "That it has." he stated bluntly. "I'm gonna check in on Rollins on my way home, see if she needs anything. I'll see you all tomorrow."

The other two detectives were already on their way towards the elevator, after saying their goodnights, when Olivia placed a hand on Fin's lower arm. "Um, actually I was heading there myself. I just want to see how she is doing and touch base, see where we stand."

Fin frowned. "Look, I know Rollins have some issues but don't be too hard on her. She didn't even know her sister was in town until the surveillance footage came up and..."

"Fin, I've got it, okay. I know she's your partner and that you care for her and, believe it or not, so do I. I know I've come across as a bit... harsh when it comes to Rollins. I suppose she just knows how to push my buttons." she smiled slightly as Fin did the same. "Don't worry, I just want to see how she's doing... as a friend not as her boss, okay?"

Fin nodded. "Okay, but if I find out that you've been mean to my partner, I would have to kill ya and I'm a detective so I know how to hide all the evidence and not to leave a trace behind and get caught." he said it in a serious tone and held a stoic face but Olivia knew he was just being overprotective and didn't take what he said literally.

She chuckled and placed a hand on her senior detective's shoulder. "Copy that. Walk me out?"

Amanda sat on her couch trying to keep her body stil and her mind from speeding out of control. She had been pacing back and forth between the kitchen and the sitting room but quickly remembered what the doctor said about taking it easy to prevent another attack of hypotension.

She tried to keep busy so her mind wouldn't wander off and reflect about previous events and make her even more stressed. It's hard to force your thoughts into thinking about something else when all you can think of is the things that you're not suppose to think of. It made her even more agitated and she began pacing again, running her fingers through her blonde hair as she did so. She was alone.

She didn't know what to do now. Here she was, 36 years of age, pregnant, single mother, married to her job, had a family that wanted nothing more to do with her and her boss was, more than likely, hugely disappointed in her and her thoughtless actions... again. She was alone. She always had to screw it up but also tried to learn from her mistakes but, yet here she was, desperately trying to climb up from the deep whole she had so easily dug for herself. She was alone. It all seemed hopeless and impossible, like there was no way out and everything was falling apart and all she could do was watch as her life crumbled in front of her. She was alone.

Tears formed in her already stinging eyes, from a previous crying sessions earlier on, but angrily brushed them away. She was afraid. Afraid that if she started crying again she wouldn't be able to stop. Crying was not gonna get her out of this mess and she was determined not to waste any tears due to her own stupidity. She deserved to feel miserable for the mistakes she had done when it came to the squad and her boss. She had always looked up to Liv, even before she started working for her the older detective had been a role model and somewhat of a hero to the blonde, someone to look up to and admire. She had been transferred from Atlanta Georgia to the SVU team in NY a couple of years ago and things had not turned out as she thought they would.

Benson had been very reluctant and weary to let a new detective in on the team and came across as cold hearted and hardened around the blonde. She acted as if Amanda was a total rookie and hadn't a clue of what she was doing. That only made the young blonde even more determined to prove herself and put everything she had into every case until, finally, she saw some kind of change in her boss. She had shown what she was capable of and also what she was made of. Things got better until Amanda's family began stirring things up, especially her sister and, on top of everything else, a man from her past gambling addiction tracked her down, roughened her up and demanded the money back that she owed him from years ago.

That was all sorted now. Her debt was paid off thanks to a bit of help from her partner Fin. Now she found herself yet in another unfortunate situation and there was no getting out of this one.

She closed her stinging eyes, letting them rest for a few seconds before opening them again. Hit by the bright light in the room she squinted and quickly dimmed it. A gentle knock on the door brought her out of her misety temporarily. She wasn't expecting anyone and it was almost six thirty. Groaning she went to open it, thinking it was probably Jehovah's Witness or some door to door salesman. What she didn't expect was her boss standing at the other side of the door with a gentle smile on her face, eyeing the blonde from top to toe, taking in her obviously beaten appearance.

"Searge, what... what are you doing here?" her voice was uncertain and shaky, shocked at the tall brunette's sudden visit.

Liv's smile grew wider as she saw the confusion on her colleagues face but the smile instantly disappeared when she noticed Amanda's red puffy eyes. She took a step inside the blonde's apartment taking notice of how dark it was inside and how Amanda still seemed to be struggling with the light coming from the lamp in the corner.

Without thinking she reached out to touch a pale cheek but Amanda instantly pulled back, looking scared and bewildered. "Amanda," Liv said in a soft voice, "I came to check on you. Are you alright?" she studied the fair features and saw how drawn and tired the blonde seemed to be and how her red eyes had dark circles under them, telling her that she was not sleeping well or sleeping at all.

Amanda tried to manage a smile but it turned out to look like a pathetic grimace more than anything. "I'm... I'm fine, sarge. There was no need for you to come all the way here." frail arms wrapped around her bulging stomach in a protective manner. The gesture didn't go unnoticed by Liv but decided not to elaborate on it. The blonde was building walls around herself to keep any intruders out and friends from coming in. It was a defense mechanism that Amanda almost had down to a profession and knew exactly how to work it.

Olivia cocked her head to the side and offered a sympathetic smile. "You look a bit... upset. Look, I'm here as a friend not as your sergeant. I just wanted to know how you were doing after... everything that happened today." she watched as Amanda wrapped her arms tighter around herself and saw her struggling to swallow. "I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through, Amanda. Just know that we're all here for you, I'm here for you. We all care and worry. You're a part of the team and we're like family so if..."

"Liv, I'm fine." the blonde interrupted, putting on a brave front that Olivia could see straight through. "Honestly. It's nothing new to me. I can handle it."

Liv knew that Amanda wanted to be left alone and that she hated to feel sorry for herself. Taking a step closer to the tough smaller detective Olivia placed a hand on her shoulder and felt how tense the blonde was, so tense she was almost shaking. Amanda once again pulled away from the touch like it was poisonous. "I know you can handle it but that doesn't mean you have to handle it on your own. As I said, we are all here and if you feel more comfortable talking to Fin about it or..."

"Sarge, please!" Amanda raised her hands to stop her. "I don't want..." she sighed and shook her head, "no... I don't need to talk about it." she lowered her hands and again wrapped them around her protruding belly. "I'm okay."

The brunette sighed and slumped her shoulders looking at her young detective with concern written on her face. "Are you? Are you okay, Amanda?" she took another step closer to the blonde, "Cause it's okay not to be okay." the last sentence was said softly, her victim voice, as her colleagues would call it. Looking into the blue, but bloodshot eyes, she saw a flicker of something. An emotion? A feeling? A realization? Some kind of epiphany?

If Liv could take another step closer she would but she was already standing too close to the woman in front of her. Amanda opened her mouth to say something but no word came through her cramped up throat. She knew what Liv had just said was right but she didn't expect the words to hit her so hard. Of course she knew it was okay to not feel okay. She said it to victims almost everyday but hearing Liv saying it and directing those words straight to the blonde made it real and things suddenly became magnified.

She didn't like the new feeling that crept over her. She felt out of control, lost and scared. Those words had hit a nerve that Amanda didn't even know she had. Tears seeped through again and the blonde turned her head to the side, trying to hide the salty drops that silently made their way down her cheek. She shook, physically trembling, from trapped emotions and feelings that she previously always had ignored or just pushed to the side and she hate herself for it.

Having her boss see her so like this, so weak and out of control, scared her and made her extremely embarrassed and uncomfortable. Smiling through her tears she shrugged her shoulders and tried to convince Liv that she was fine even though she knew the bruntte wouldn't buy it. "I'm... I'm okay." she said with a broken voice hating that she sounded so vulnerable as her eyes kept filling up.

Olivia frowned but didn't say anything. She looked on as one of her best detectives slowly unravelled in front of her and it broke her heart. Sighing she shook her head and took the last step that kept the women apart. Opening her arms she gently brought the blonde in to a warm embrace and pulled her close. She instantly felt Amanda trying to worm herself out of the tight spot but to no use. The older woman felt the small frame in her arms fight against the hug but Olivia held on knowing that she couldn't struggle and fight her forever.

Truth and reality suddenly kicked in for the blonde and she could feel herself began to lose control. The tears wouldn't stop coming and a sob was making it's way up through her throat. She tried to stiffle it but only made it worse as the strangled sob came out sounding more like a desperate gasp for air than anything else. She had reached the edge and tipped over it, crossed the line and couldn't turn back, she was on the road of no return. Whatever happened now was inevitable.

As the sob tore through the shattered blonde Olivia couldn't help but to bring her hand up to stroke the fair, slightly tangled, tresses. "Oh Amanda." she whispered, her voice full of emotion. The blonde had given up fighting againt the physical contact but made no attempt to hug Olivia back. Her arms were hanging loosly down her sides as Liv rubbed her lower back feeling her natural need to comfort and console creeping up.

"It's okay." she whispered, "you're going to be just fine. We all have your back, Amanda. We're on your side."

It all became too much for the upset woman. She was embarrassed for crying in front of her boss, letting her see her vulnerability and weakness. Showing emotions were not her thing and she was never any good at it. She hated it and hated herself for it. She plled away and angrily wiped at her damp face. "I'm okay. You should go." taking a couple of steps back she began feeling very fidgety and out of sort. "I'm sure Noah misses you. Thanks for coming by to check on me but there was no need." she avoided eye contact at any cost and didn't want to look into her boss's concerned eyes that probably showed nothing but pity for her.

Liv felt sad for the blonde, for pulling away so abruptly and not letting herself feel whatever she felt. "Amanda, you don't have to pretend that you're okay. I know I can't force you to talk to me but just know that I'm here if you ever change your mind. You can call me any time, day or night, I mean it. I'm only a phone call away."

Smiling Amanda shrugged like nothing was wrong and that everything was completely normal. "I'm fine. Thanks." she simply stated, feeling Olivia's eyes staring into her very soul. She almost became afraid that the brunette would see all her secrets and hidden emotions if she kept on looking at her so intensely. She didn't mean to be rude but she nearly pushed Olivia out the door before she broke down again. "I'll see you tomorrow, sarge." and with that she closed the door, leaving a worried and concerned brunette at the other side.