Better Off Dead
By mysterychic
Disclaimer: I do not, in any way, shape or form, own Supernatural (which belongs to the WB) and the song 'Better Off Dead' (which belongs to The Faders).
Spoilers: Up to Asylum.
A/N: this songfic popped into my head when i first listerned to this song, and the lyrics just reminded me so much of how my two favourite brothers must have felt after that episode i felt compelled to write it.
A/N2: All lyrics are in italics.

Sam looked across at his brother as they headed toward the next town. It had been three days since they left Roosevelt Asylum and, despite all his efforts to explain to Dean what had happened, Dean was still giving him the silent treatment. He had tried to explain to Dean that it hadn't been him, that he hadn't meant any of those things, but Dean either hadn't listened or didn't care.

I'm not the kind to kiss and tell
You should have known better

Didn't Dean understand that he didn't feel that way? Sure, there was a time, still were times, when he wished Dean wouldn't follow an order so readily, but Dean did it for a reason. Or at least, Sam assumed it was for a reason. Dean never really talked about his relationship his John.

Thought you knew me pretty well
I was wrong

Though Dean was physically in the driver's seat on his beloved Chevy, mentally he was still in the dank confines of the Roosevelt Asylum's basement. The way Sammy, his little brother, the kid who he practically raised, had looked at him….

And saying sorry won't make everything all right

Oh, sure, Sam had tried to tell Dean that those hadn't been his words, but Dean knew better. Those were the words he'd yelled, screamed, at Dean and John during their last "conversation" on the night he left for Stanford. Daddy's little solider.

And I've tried to make it right, but I'm loosing

Sam knew that with their combined Winchester stubbornness that this thing, event, whatever Dean wanted to call it, might never get resolved. But he wanted fix this. He wanted to make everything like it had been before they'd come to Roosevelt, with Dean comforting Sam. Sam was no good at comforting Dean. But Sam knew he night have to, if he ever wanted their relationship to return to normal (or their version of normal, anyway). But he had no idea what to do, and the only man who might have been able to sort out this problem was MIA.

And it tears me up inside
I can't let go…

Wait…Sam looked across at his brother. Dean didn't really believe he the stuff he'd said, did he? He couldn't…he wouldn't…No. He knew Sam way too well for that, right? He was just pissed at Sam for not being able to defend himself against some spirit and getting himself possessed. That had to be it. Sam glanced at his brother's white-knuckled hands as they gripped the wheel tighter. He could only hope that was it anyway.

It's been eating me alive
And
Now I see red!

Dean gripped the wheel tighter as he felt his brother's gaze fall on him. If Sam didn't cut that out…well, the way he was feeling at the moment, he wouldn't be responsible for is actions. He could handle Sam's lame-ass excuses, but the staring? He hated to be stared at. Always had. Reminded him too much of a time when people would stare and talk about "the fire" in low voices. People always referred to it like that. As if it were an inanimate object. As if someone hadn't been taken by it. He hated that.

I'm not guilty of the crime
You're
Outta your head!

Sam turned his gaze back to the passenger-side window. Good. No more staring. Silence he could handle. Sam's excuses he could handle. Knowing they were false…well, he'd deal with that later. It wasn't that he thought Sam wanted to kill him. That was the crazy doctor doing that. But the things Sam said…that Sam meant.

If you mean the things you said
Oy!
You're better off dead!
Do do do do do do do

No, thought Sam as he slowly turned to look once more at the passing fields, Dean knew he didn't mean it. Dean knew him, knew he didn't feel that way anymore. Dean was pissed that Sam had let himself get possessed and that he'd been shot. Yeah, that had to be it.

Oy!
Better off dead!
Do do do do do do do
Oy!
Better off dead!

Dean almost wished he had died. At least then he wouldn't be in as much pain, both physical and (as much as he hated to admit it) emotional, as he was now. Physically from being shot. Emotionally from the fact that it was his baby brother who had pulled the trigger.

You took the word of someone else
Not to clever

Sam continued to watch the scenery. Dean knew that he wouldn't have said those things if he'd been in control. Dean knew that if he had been in control that he wouldn't have hurt Dean in any way, much less shoot him. Dean knew that he'd never want to hurt him. Right?

You should be questioning yourself
Not me

If fact, it wasn't like he'd been involved at all. It had been like watching a strange art-house style movie, or a scene from a horror movie from the killer perspective. It was like being…trapped inside his own mind. Unable to stop the words or actions taking place on his part. He couldn't help it. He'd tried to stop it, he really had. Didn't Dean know that?

And saying sorry won't turn back the hands of time

Dean sighed inwardly. If he could go back, he wouldn't take the damn text message, even if it was their father. It almost hadn't been worth it. Sure, they'd save the girl (and guy), killed the monster, but…they'd spent three days in silence. Three days not talking. Three days going over and over the event in his mind, wishing he'd done things differently. Three days of Sam's apologies fading away until he wasn't speaking either.

And I've tried to let it slide
But I'm slipping

What was he supposed to do? He was the big brother. He was supposed to do something or say something to fix this. It was his job; it had always been his job. No matter how many miles lay between them, he'd always tried to look out for Sammy. Even at Stanford, he'd dropped by to check up on him. It never went exactly well, but at least he'd tried, right? But how could he fix this when he didn't even know what the problem was?

And it cuts me up inside
I can't let go…

He hadn't meant it. He had meant it. Sam sighed softly. He honestly didn't know anymore. He always got confused when he over-analysed himself. Or that's what Jess used to say anyway. 'Don't over think it Sammy. You'll hurt yourself' she'd always add the last part with a grin. Jess…he wished she were here. She always seemed to understand how his mind worked.

It's been eating me alive
And
Now I see red!

He'd just been so mad at Dean. Dean following John's orders, like he didn't have a mind of his own. Dean ordering him around, acting like their father. That girl, Katrina, assuming Dean was the boss (did he really act like that much of a follower to Dean?). He'd been so frustrated, even angry and, unfortunately, that was exactly what Dr. Ellicott needed.

I'm not guilty of the crime
You're
Outta your head!

It was all that damn doctor's fault. Or at least, that's what Dean kept telling himself. It was easier to believe that than that Sammy hated him. Unfortunately, he wasn't very good at believing himself when it came to things like this, having heard himself tell too many lies to take himself seriously. Apparently, neither was Sam, judging by the look he gave Dean when he insisted he'd "be fine". Maybe it had something to do with the fact that he had a chest full of rock salt at the time.

If you mean the things you said
Oy!
You're better off dead!
Do do do do do do do

Dean gripped the wheel tighter. He knew they'd have to talk about this sometime. Might as well be right here, right now. He pulled over so suddenly he almost went into the ditch at the side of the road. Sam shot him a look.

"What did you do that for?"

Dean rolled his eyes. "You want to talk about this? Fine. We'll talk about it now"

"So we talk when you decide now?"

"That's pretty defensive for someone who just shot me"

Sam's look told him he'd gone too far. "I told you I didn't mean it!"

If you mean the things you said
Oy!
You're better off dead!
Do do do do do do do

Dean pulled the car over so fast Sam thought he was going to crash. But luckily his brother's crazy driving skills stopped them before they reached the roadside ditch. Sam shot a look at his brother. "What did you do that for?"

Dean rolled his eyes. "You want to talk about this? Fine. We'll talk about it now"

There he goes, acting like dad again. "So we talk when you decide now?"

"That's pretty defensive for someone who just shot me"

Sam couldn't believe it. He brother really thought he'd done it on purpose. "I told you I didn't mean it!"

What can I say
But stay out of my way

"And I told you I was fine. Obviously we're both liars"

It was Dean's honesty that got him. Because for a moment he wasn't seeing Dean Winchester: Experienced hunter, he was seeing Dean Winchester: Older brother, and he hadn't realised how much he'd missed that.

If I see you tonight
You're dead…
You're dead…
You're dead!

"I told you I didn't mean it!"

Dean took a breath. He wasn't big on chic-flick moments, and he couldn't believe he was possibly about to start one. "And I told you I was fine. Obviously we're both liars"

Sam looked down. "What do you want me to say Dean?"

"I want you to tell me the truth"

It's been eating me alive
And
Now I see red!

Sam looked up, eyes shining. "I…maybe I did feel like that…once…maybe sometimes I do feel like that now, but Dean I…I never would have hurt you, you know that right?"

Dean knew. He just needed to hear Sam say it.

I'm not guilty of the crime
You're
Outta your head!

Sam looked down, trying desperately to stop the flood of emotions. "What do you want me to say Dean?"

"I want you to tell me the truth"

Sam slowly looked up, and saw raw honesty in Dean's eyes. "I…maybe I did feel like that…once…maybe sometimes I do feel like that now, but Dean I…I never would have hurt you, you know that right?"

Please tell me you know. I need to hear you say you still trust me. I need to hear you still care.

If you mean the things you said
Oy!
You're better off dead!
Do do do do do do do

Dean reached over, putting his hand on Sam's arm. "Yeah, I know…Bitch"

Dean tested the waters with a long-held nickname. Sam's grin was watery at best, but still present.

"Jerk"

If you mean the things you said
Oy!
You're better off dead!
Do do do do do do do

Dean nodded, pulling the Impala back on the road. Music filled the car once again.

If you mean the things you said…
If you mean the things you said…
Really mean the things you said

Dean reached over, putting his hand on Sam's arm. "Yeah, I know…Bitch"

Sam was filled with relief. He never thought he'd be so happy to hear that old nickname again.

"Jerk"

Dean nodded, pulling the Impala back on the road. "Music" filled the car once again. Sam reached for the volume controls. His own peace offering for normality.

Oy!
You're better off dead!

Dean saw Sam reach for the volume control.

"Drop it Sammy"

"It's Sam, and if I have to listen to this for one more second I think my head's gonna explode"

"Well, you know the rules Sam. Driver picks the music, shot-gun shuts his cake hole"

Normality restored.

END

so, what did y'all think of my first ever songfic? Bet you feel privilaged after hearing it's my first. If so, give me a review! If not, give a reveiw! If you didn't care, give me a review!

I like reveiws! hint hint :)