A/N… Thank you for coming to check out my new fic! Just a little note to set the scene- We begin just after Sirius's incident with Umbridge in the fire…so October OOTP time. This fic basically revolves around Sirius's memories of the original Order of the Phoenix. Although we are in OOTP time there is a lot of flashback type stuff going on, all of that will be in italic, to keep my own brain right if nothing else. I've tried  to keep the history bits as they are in GOF and OOTP but if you want to dispute anything feel free….Ok I'll let you go now…Please R/R!

Baptism of the Phoenix

Chapter 1: Solitary Confinement

The dim, cavernous kitchen of number twelve Grimmauld Place was gloomier than ever at night. Not one charitable beam of moonlight could enter the unwelcoming basement room, only a single candle flickered within the whole house. The insoluble darkness was penetrated only by the thunderous snores of Kreacher the house-elf, as he slept peacefully upon a pile of filthy rags in the boiler room.

The only other sign of life within number twelve came from the hunched figure at the kitchen table.

Sirius Black had not moved for several hours, not that this was not unusual. He would regularly spend the whole night here, in the freezing kitchen, completely alone.

The solitary candle that sat upon the shabby table-top gave just enough light to illuminate the impressive collection of empty Firewhisky bottles that had gathered there to join the solemn party.

Sirius looked mournfully at the glass vessels as they glistened below the lonely flame, each one an accusing memento of the wasted hours he had spent wallowing in self pity.

He could not remember ever feeling so low.

Never had life been so empty that the days simply melted together, forming one long, endless ordeal. Even Azkaban had provided him with a few unhinged psychopaths with whom he could indulge in manic screaming matches.

Sirius had hoped that his brief meeting with Harry might have broken the monotony-instead he had succeeded only in frightening his godson away.

…Well, with any luck his dangerous meeting with Umbridge might have worried Dumbledore enough to have him send an Order member to Grimmauld Place, bearing a memorised lecture…

~ 'What were you thinking, Sirius?'~

~ 'You could have been caught, Sirius!' ~

…Drone…Drone…Drone, Sirius…

He smiled guiltily to himself.

 'Maybe Remus will come,' he thought hopefully. 'He's the best orchestrator of guilt trips on the planet...naturally Dumbledore would send him.'

Tipping half a goblet-full of Firewhisky down his throat, Sirius felt slightly uneasy.

He did not want to worry Lupin.

He knew how seriously he oldest friend would take the news of the Umbridge affair.

'He'll be here soon,' Sirius thought gloomily. 'He'll see that I'm alright.'

Peering down at his wrist-watch Sirius found that he could no longer focus properly on anything further than an inch from his face. The effects of the amber liquor were beginning to make him feel light headed. He rubbed his unshaven face absently.

Whatever the time, Umbridge would doubtlessly have gone bleating to the Ministry by now.

'Remus should be on his way…any minute.'

As Sirius allowed the happy thought to drift through his mind, a little voice from within began to cast doubt upon his hopes.

'Maybe Dumbledore will send Dung….' the voice suggested '…Or Arthur…Or Snape….'

Sirius abruptly awakened from his dreams of companionship.

'No-Not Snape!' he yelled loudly, almost rousing Kreacher. He stared around the room as though he had just awoken from a terrible nightmare, half expecting to see Severus Snape sneering at him from the depths of the shadows.

 Clambering to his feet, Sirius began to hide the empty bottles in any spare space he could find, using whatever he could lay his hands on as a balance. His head felt extremely light and he struggled to hold it upright, his lips felt completely numb and if he were to believe his eyes the whole room was covered in yellow and pink spots. He had almost wrapped his hands around the pantry's doorknob when suddenly his legs buckled beneath him and he crashed to the floor.

'Shit!'

He laid spread eagled on the floor for a few moments, torn between whether he should continue hording his Firewhisky or just give up and fall asleep on the cold, hard tiles. He was very close to the latter when there was a loud crash somewhere in the house above.

'Oh my God, I've caused an earthquake,' Sirius panicked in his giddiness. 'I fell and caused an earthquake…I hope Harry's ok…I hope Hogwarts hasn't collapsed….'

'Collapsed?' A familiar voice said from within the shadows.

Remus Lupin came forward into the candlelight and knelt down at his friend's side.

'Why do you think Hogwarts has collapsed Padfoot? Why are you on the floor?'

Remus's worn, tired face looked down upon his friend, painted with a look of mild concern.

Sirius glanced vaguely up at Remus with dizzy eyes.

Lupin's expression of concern turned quickly to one of extreme annoyance.

'For the same reason you were talking to yourself,' he concluded. 'You're drunk again.'

Sirius suddenly sat bolt upright. 'I am not!' he said defiantly, although with crossed eyes. 'I just fell.'

'Then maybe you could explain why you are rocking back and forth?' said Remus.

Sirius stuck out his bottom lip like a naughty child who had just been caught with his fingers in the biscuit tin.

'It's not my fault!' he wailed foolishly. 'Got nothing else to do. You wouldn't understand!'

Remus sighed but Sirius could see the suppressed smile behind his aggravation.

Behind the fearless exterior Lupin knew that a softer centre lay beneath Sirius' silver armour. There was an insecure, unhappy man inside that others rarely got to see. Nobody could live in solitude forever and Sirius had already been denied human company for too long. Only a man without a heart could hold Sirius' cards without doubting the integrity of the dealer. Sirius had simply become disillusioned life and doubtful of those who claimed to be acting in his best interests. Who could blame him?

Remus pulled his friend to his feet and settled him into a chair by the table.

Sirius looked awful.

His skin was a terrible shade of white when contrasted with his red, bloodshot eyes. His handsome face was covered in a mat of black stubble; he appeared to have gone without food for some time.

'What wouldn't I understand?' Remus asked finally, with a bitter note in his voice. 'What it is like to be lonely? What it is like to be feared…despised? Wake up Padfoot-I'm a werewolf!'

Sirius looked taken aback and considered this point for a moment before replying quietly, 'Yes, but you're free aren't you. You may be many things to many people but you still have your freedom.'

Remus nodded wearily. He had clearly spent the last month feeling just as lonely and solemn as Sirius. His pale eyes were sunken and rimmed with dark circles. The outside world was no less dark than the confines of Grimmauld Place. The Order was always a welcome escape, a means of channelling his energy-but it just wasn't the same without his oldest friend there.

'Why does it have to be like this Moony? 'Sirius asked pitifully, as if reading his friend's thoughts. 'At least the last time we were together…me, you….James. Last time the Order was something to be proud of.'

Remus rested his cheek in his palm and stifled a yawn.' It still is,' argued absently, without conviction.

Sirius furrowed his eyebrows and growled, 'Yeah, if you're actually a part of it.'

He swallowed loudly regarding Remus with a degree of hidden resentment. He was not sure that he wanted to continue this conversation, but after months of being locked up, not only in Grimmauld Place but inside his own head, he could not keep silent any longer. He had to release the fears that kept him awake at night.

Casting a bitter eye over the prison-like room, he began to speak again with obvious discomfort.

'I know that the Order was never meant to be a social gathering but I cherished every minute I spent working for it.'

The understanding smile Remus bore rid him of his inhibitions.

'I hated everything about this place,' Sirius said softly, a gesturing hand indicating to the building around them. 'My father, Regulus….that evil bat out there. I detested Kreacher, still do. Every wall, every staircase, every room…I couldn't wait to get away from it all. Those sick twists were never my family, just people I happened to share a house with. When I came to Hogwarts…when we first met, I felt like I'd found my real brothers- the Marauders. For the first time in my life I had people to turn to, people who made me feel wanted, needed.'

Remus reached out and placed his hand lightly on Sirius' shoulder.

'That's all gone now,' Sirius concluded bitterly. 'James is gone, Peter…well, Peter will soon be wishing he was gone too. I'm worse than useless, more of a risk than anything else.'

Remus frowned slightly as his friend gave a hollow laugh.

'Me and James, we used to be first choice for everything in the old days. If ever there was a duel to be fought or a dangerous mission, we weren't far behind. Now I'm no more than a glorified cleaner.'

Remus seemed deep in thought as Padfoot ended his pitiful speech. Sirius sensed that he had caught his friend off guard. It was not like him to speak so freely about his emotions, his tough exterior had suddenly crumbled. He realised that had he been sober he would never have allowed these thoughts to cross his lips, but now that all was out in the open, his burden seemed eternally lighter.

'They were great days,' Remus confirmed finally. 'I don't deny that you have been dealt an unfair lot, Padfoot, no one could…but you cannot change what is past. You know that better than anyone. I realise that life is not comfortable for you at the moment but you'll feel better in the morning after a good night's sleep…once that Firewhisky has worn off you'll feel a lot happier.'

Sirius nodded, Remus was partially right-but not fully. His drunkenness had succeeded only in making his pain more prominent. But sobriety would not rid the seed that had already been planted, the solitude that never ceased to be real.

Suddenly, Remus smiled widely and gave a throaty chuckle. 'I remember the day we first formed the Order,' he said.

'Me too,' said Sirius reminiscently.

'Somehow, I knew from the moment we signed those papers that we were saved. Something about Dumbledore that day told me, restored every ounce of faith that I'd lost during Voldemort's reign. After all, Dumbledore had never given us false hope before.'

Sirius nodded, 'That one meeting seemed to signal the beginning of the end. I don't think we ever realised the losses we'd have to suffer before that ending came. It didn't occur to us that part of our number were signing away their lives.'

Remus rubbed his forehead in thought, 'No we didn't take the risks as seriously as we should have at first. They became apparent after a while though, and we all vowed to carry on. I think we began to realise then what we know for certain this time around-and that is that some things are worth dying for.'

Sirius considered this for a moment and suddenly began to feel very tired. He stretched and swung back on his chair, allowing it to stand freely on two legs. He yawned widely and then grinned.

 'God I'm tired. I think you were right, that Firewhisky's made me come over all sentimental Moony.'

Remus smiled cheekily, 'Best stick to that flowery wine from now on Padfoot. You can't hold your drink like you used to.'

Sirius scowled. Picking up a discarded bottle top, he threw it at his friend who ducked just in time.

'So,' he said. 'Can you hurry up and give me the 'Umbridge Lecture' because I'm ready to go to bed.'

Lupin raised his eyebrows and asked, 'What's the point? You never listen anyway. It's getting late, I think I'll stay over and head off to Hogwarts in the morning.'

Sirius shrugged and left his friend in the kitchen as he made his own way up to bed

     ~*~                                                    ~*~                                                                 ~*~

The moment his head came to rest upon the threadbare pillow beneath it, Sirius fell fast asleep. For hours he slept dreamlessly, so soundly that he did not notice the raging thunderstorm outside. It was only as the sun began to rise that he found himself in animated slumber. For several seconds dark, meaningless colours swirled within his mind and then slowly settled in portrayal of a recognisable scene.

A dark room, a table surrounded by chairs, a candelabra and a narrow stone staircase, all born from the coloured whirlpool.

Sirius at once recognised this room. He knew immediately that this was no ordinary dream, but a memory.

He had been seated at that round, polished table more times than he cared to remember. He had descended those stone steps; he could recall to whom each of those spindle-legged chairs belonged.

This was the meeting place of the Order of the Phoenix; a splendid underground chamber that was a far cry from his own bleak kitchen.

The room was not empty of life.

He could see himself sitting at the table, a roll of parchment in hand.

This, he realised, was his own recollection of the Orders first meeting…

A/N I'll leave it there because I didn't want to make the intro too long. Sirius's memories of the forming of the Order will come in the next chapter, which will mainly consist of flashbacks within his dream and during his discussions with Remus. Hope you enjoyed this, if you did please review and call back next time!