Author's Note – Not sure how many of these I'll do. Set not long after book #3.

Older

Black

Tobias shook his feathers as the drizzling rain continued to pour from the warring clouds. Everything was gray, from the sky to the grass. It matched his mood perfectly. The weather always seemed to know when he was feeling sorry for himself. Or maybe his moods always reflected the weather?

Either way, Tobias still felt shitty.

For most of his life, Tobias had always had these "moods" of his. It was as though a blackness just sort of washed over him, making him feel insignificant, worthless, completely unlovable, a screw-up.

When he was a human he had been so afraid, but strangely enough it hadn't been the bullies at school or even his uncle that he was afraid of. If every horrible thing has already happened to you, what else could they possibly do? Tobias never felt any fear when confronted with the threat of physical pain.

He was scared of these feelings. These horrible, black feelings that made Tobias just want to curl up into a ball and die.

He had been so afraid to speak up in class, so afraid to stand up against the bullies, so afraid to run away and leave his pathetic life behind. He had been so afraid of screwing up, like he always did. Every time he made a mistake, every time he opened his mouth and just said something so horribly stupid and dumb, the embarrassment and humiliation just welled up inside of him. Spilling over… It made him want to throw up. It hurt. The shame could actually physically hurt.

And then they met the Andalite… Elfangor. He had put all of his trust into the Animorphs. And into Tobias. During those last moments with him, Tobias could see the faith in his eyes when they looked at each other. No one had ever looked at Tobias like that. He felt like he could do anything. Nothing could hold him back. Especially not one of those pitiable "moods".

Morphing had been incredible. It was power; sheer power. And it was his. He had the power to stop the Yeerks from taking over his planet. The things he felt when he had fought in that first battle were indescribable. How could a person describe what it feels like to be one of the most important people in the entire universe? To be able, for once in his life, unleash these black feelings and let loose a purely destructive force? To be indestructible?

Of course, he wasn't indestructible, was he?

Looking back now, at that first battle, Tobias can feel nothing but shame. He actually felt glee when he blinded those Controllers, attacked them, made them hurt like he had been hurt. He had felt that it was his God given right to punish them. That God had actually pointed his finger and blessed him, gave him the sole power of deciding what was right and what was wrong. Maybe that was why he became trapped. God was punishing him for his hubris.

He was not the Angel of Justice. He was not some sort of superhero. He was just some dumb kid who suddenly realized that he wasn't completely sure of what was right and what was wrong. Was it wrong for him to live the life of a hawk? Did he make the right decision? Was it okay to murder innocent hosts in battle? Every battle has casualties, but did that make it right or wrong? Is it wrong to feel powerful when he soars through the air, when he snatched a mouse from a field and mercifully snuffed out its pathetic life? He didn't know what to do.

Oh, God. Oh, God. I'm so stupid. How could you be so fucking stupid?!

He was stupid. How the hell could he have let himself become stuck as a hawk? Jake wouldn't have done something that stupid. He was stuck like this while the others were forced to risk their lives in a battle against mind-controlling aliens from outer space. He knew that one day one of them wasn't going to return. And it would be his fault. Because he wasn't there, because he was a nobody, because he was just so pathetic and worthless and so, so stupid.

As he became lost to his self-doubt he began to feel that horrible, horrible blackness overwhelm him. It was a feeling that he had thought he had left behind forever when he was entrusted with the power to save the world. It was a stupid thing to think. He was so stupid.

Stupid. Worthless. Screw-up.