AN: Okay, so I've had this story lying around for about a year but I didn't want to post it because I wanted to do one story at a time but with Breaking Dawn Part 2 coming out soon, I realized that it takes to long for me to complete one story at a time so I decided to post this one.
Summary: Darker spin on New Moon. Set a year and a half after Edward left. Alice never had a vision of Bella jumping off the cliff so the Cullens never returned. Bella isn't the person she was. A lot happened in that year and a half that has left her cold, hard and mean. After Harry Clearwater dies, the pack decides to contact the Cullens to help them catch Victoria, who is still out for revenge against Edward for killing James. As they come back, they soon see some of the changes in Bella and some of the damage they left behind.
I sat next to my best friend at a service for a man I barely knew. Charlie believes the reason I went was out of courtesy to him or to Jacob but that wasn't the truth. I came because Jacob asked me to come, because there had been a new deal. A new treaty formed between enemies. Vampires and werewolves.
Victoria was back and determined to kill me, as some sort of justice for her love James. The Quilute elders believe, much to their own dismay, that it'd be better to have the Cullens around to help catch Victoria, though they used a much different choice of words. With Harry Clearwater, one of the tribes Council members, passed away from a heart attack, the Quilute needed all the help they could possibly get, though none of them were thrilled to make the contact. I had no idea how they found the Cullens and quite frankly, I didn't care to know. It didn't matter to me. Why should it? So Edward and I were in love at one point in time-Or at least, I loved him. What did it matter?
Jacob was the one to tell me they were coming back. No one else knew, outside the pack and elders. We didn't talk about it after that. We didn't have to. Jake and me read it on each other's faces. He was less than keen on the idea but he couldn't control anything about it. We needed help here and who was I to make an objection? The service was about to start as I looked up at the grieving family, the Clearwater's, Leah, Seth and Sue, at the front of the church.
I wasn't thinking about myself right now. How seeing him would effect me. How every nerve in my body would be on fire, from passion or anger, I don't know. I wasn't thinking about how my mind would cope or how I'd probably have nightmares. I wasn't thinking about how I was going to have to look him in the eye after what he did. After he pretty much murdered me, without actually doing a damn thing. I wasn't thinking about how, if I ever had to, when I saw his face, all the memories I spent the last year and a half trying forget, would suddenly come back to me and hit me in the face. I wasn't thinking about how every feeling or emotion I've ever experienced when with him, was about to come rushing back and smack me right across the face.
It didn't matter now. My feelings no longer meant anything because I didn't let them. My feelings about Edward and the Cullens, at least. The way I felt about Edward was irrelevant. Our so-called love was turned out to be a lie that just happened to almost cost me everything. It wasn't real love though. It was "Just a crush," like I'd told Renee that day in the hospital. A little girl crush. Well, my little girl crush doesn't exist anymore.
My little girl crush died such a painful death. That piece of me was history now. That same little girl, grew and turned into a nineteen and a half year old woman with hard edges that scared my scatterbrained mother and worried my overprotective father. They used to pretend to not notice my faults but someone would have to be blind not to see how cold I was now.
It was easier to be numb.
Sure, other guys had come in. They tried to fix me up and make me theirs. They tried to love me better. But they were just boys, young and horny. They didn't have what I needed. I'm pretty much no one in this world has what it take to make me feel like an alive person again. Too much has happened in my short life. I was battle scarred and permanently shell shocked.
Somewhere along the lines, I learned not to let anyone in enough to break, destroy and control me. No boyfriend, at least. The only person I really let in anymore was Jacob and, I guess, occasionally the other members of the Wolf pack, including Emily, Kim and Josslyn. Jessica, Mike, Angela, all my school friends, humans, were all too childish and naive to really understand, even after everything they saw happen. In time, each of them would figure out what the rest of us learned a long time ago: this world is a fucked up place, where none of us were getting happy endings.
But I'm not going to boo hoo about my miserable little life. I wasn't here to show Edward, the Cullens and everyone else at this funeral exactly who I'd become, though many already knew. It isn't easy to keep everything on the down low when your father is the police chief.
I wasn't interested in looking Edward in the eye, in seeing his face, in seeing his reaction to me, my scarcely thin figure, my ice cold stare that makes you take a second look, I didn't want him to read the thoughts for everyone around me, because, though this is Harry Clearwater's funeral, I would always be the gossip of the towns, Forks and La Push. But more than anything else, I didn't want Edward to see the hurt that etched in my eyes from the last man who lied, from the baby who'd never take a breath, from the time I had been beaten within an inch of my life.
I wasn't going to show Edward the damage that had been done to be since the last time he saw me.
Across the open funeral grounds, the Cullens had walked in, though I'd made a point in not looking. Jacob was looking, though, so I knew it was them. I kept my eyes on the casket and didn't look up. I saw old Quil and Sam stand up from where they were sitting, next to Charlie. I didn't have to look at my father to know that he was flaming pissed. Nothing made him angry like hearing the names Edward or Ethan.
"Over here." Sam directed the family of vampires, with old Quil trailing at a safe distance behind them. I looked at Jacob's face, which held frustration and loss of power. I could emphasize with that. Sam led the Cullens to the row right in front of us. Oh, great, I thought. There would be no way to avoid them now. I could count on the fact that I really didn't show emotion with anyone but a few select people anymore. They couldn't get to me. I'd be okay.
Carlisle sat next to a man who wanted to sleep with me. As the Cullens piled across the row, Alice caught a glimpse of me. Her eyes widened and she all but shrieked. All seven vampires turned and looked our direction. I purposely avoid their gazes and most importantly, Edward's. Before anyone could say anything, Sam hushed them silent. "Please, sit down." His voice was anything but nice.
One gaze stayed on me, though, I refused to meet it. After the service started, everyone sat in silence, some crying, some just thinking. Finally, I looked up at Edward. He was dressed nice enough, but you could tell his hair was wilder than ever. His back was facing me but I could see his black button up shirt, how it looked like it was being worn by an angel instead of a cold-hearted vampire. I wasn't looking at him as if he was some sort of miracle anymore. No, that was killed along with my fantasies about love. How can you look at someone like they're perfect, when they single handedly ripped your life apart and left you, scared, alone and defenseless?
Love wasn't for people like me. Love was for people who had something to give in return. Stupid people. I was broken. I was jaded. I was stormy. But I wasn't stupid.
There wasn't anyone who could help me now.
AN: Short yes, but it gets longer each chapter. I promise not to make this the typical "Edward never came back in New Moon" story. Just because of some story line changes, Alice never saw Bella jump off the cliff. Anyway, please review. It would mean so much to me and it only takes a second. Tell me what you think, good, bad, constructive criticism?