Not Enough
A/N: Renesmee ended up even more of a subversion of Bella here than I'd intended. Still a bit in draft mode, as I'm working through the rest of the (planned) story, so may be reloaded. I feel it's a bit too short. ~3 more parts though (to my own surprise, they seem to correspond to the actual books). Please review. If you didn't like something, I'd love to hear why-otherwise how can I improve the rest of the fic? :P
1.
She rails against the fate that was thrust upon her before her birth. There is so much expectation, so much policy and treaty and merger riding on her that she has to slip out from under it; one tires of playing Princess Freak, bespelled at birth to marry the Wolf Prince to unite the Weird Ones of the world.
The intensity so close to home, of her parents' love, does not help. She grows up far too soon to be able to see them sink into that comfort with each other that comes from long years together. The household is passion, control, obsession. It all plays out with the background noise of the slow thump-thump-thump of the headboard. It is a tiresome business.
When she was little, in that short span of time before she knew what was between her parents, she had a more fairy-tale view of things. Her prince was her every wish and desire - or at least ready to give her such - and her happily ever after was all planned out.
Convenient.
Being a big girl, however, means seeing things that might have been best left alone. Like how people stare at them, how she can see they want them...
... and she likes that. Wants it too.
Growing up too fast made it easy for them to see her as a child. Was she not such a hodge-podge of soul and soullessness, she might have had trouble herself. But what she sees now is that she is an adult, and the world is finally starting to make sense to her, and after all the thump-thump-thumps that left her all alone for so many days and nights, she wants to see if it's really worth that much.
So she descends into the downtown of Seattle with stolen clothing (too small) and faked IDs. Everything starts to fall into place. People are looking at her and she knows, if someone braves contact, all they will feel is her excitement, her need. She has touched no one but herself for days in an effort to keep it building up, to keep it all inside of her.
Things is about to happen when... well, there he is.
She should have known better than to realise she could ever leave the house without being followed.
He knocks the other man down and, in doing so, falls upon her. She cries out as the contact breaks the dam of her emotions, as does he. The fear mounts in her that he will not get up now, but he feels that too, so he does.
She doesn't want to say, or know, why she insists, but they end up renting a car to take back.
"I don't understand," he says as they stare straight at the windshield. "So you wanna-"
"No."
"I mean, if you're looking for blood, you know I'm always-"
"No."
"You used to love that," he sighs. "But if that's not what you wanted, then was it-"
"No."
"Because I know it may seem soon-" he looks at her, and her clothes seem very small indeed- "but I've always thought that once you were old enough we could try-"
"Nooo."
He slams his hand against the steering wheel and speeds up. "Fuck's sake, Nessie, what do you want? Because I'll give it to you, but I can't if you won't tell me how to do it!" They are going 100 miles per hour. He is breathing heavily. "I love you, Nessie, you know that, and I'll be whatever you want to be, I just want to give you-"
"Don't."
"What?"
"Don't get me anything. Don't give me anything. For now. That's what I want."
He speeds up further. "What are you trying to tell me? Do you even mean anything you've-"
There is never going to be any grey for Jacob Black. There can be no buts at the ends of I love yous, no talk of times and places and when they are right. Trying to explain such could go on for years and leave her scorned and lonely in the meantime.
So for now it has to be no, and with that knowledge she opens the door and jumps out, rolling then running to get to the other side to get picked up to find someone to show her what she wants to know before the great big wolf can come after her again.
As she and the driver start moving towards each other from across the car, she hears a howl. The driver rubs her goosebumps away.