I got close to your skin while you were sleeping
I taste the salt on your hands
I reached out to touch you, the morning light disarms you
Won't you let me in?
-- neon trees, your surrender
She likes to pretend he is hers.
/
Sometimes their lips "accidentally" meet when they're hidden away from the world, under the warmth of her light purple sheets after he throws pebbles at her window like from a cheesy romance movie and she lets him up. He always smells like Mitchie but she pushes this thought to the back of her mind; she's good at conveniently forgetting.
And it's never suppose to go beyond blind groping and sloppy kisses, but somehow his husky voice always manages to convince her to take her clothes off and she does so willingly, leaving them in a messy pile by the bed.
Sometimes it's just the alcohol - she's spent half of junior year wasted, thanks to the fake ids Tess got her and Mitchie after camp ended the summer before and her so-good-girl persona turned into not-so-good-girl. But sometimes it's more than that; the alcohol just makes it easier; easier to kiss the boy who belongs to her best friend - the boy who's related to Caitlyn's boyfriend.
Because Shane's arms are warm around her and his words leave her gasping for more, his kisses leave her breathless and he makes her feel safe as they hide under her covers, forgetting the whole world together. He makes her forget about her distant best friend and awkward relationship and her constantly fighting parents.
He makes her forget about the fact that she's falling apart on the inside, even if he's doing her more damage than good in the long run.
His kisses are everything Nate's aren't - heat and fire and passion. And okay, it's a total cliché but when Shane kisses her, it's more than awkward necking without known boundaries. It's hothothot and she sees stars explode behind her closed eyelids and it doesn't make this anymore right but it's something she can't give up.
Shane Grey isn't someone you give up easily.
/
He grabs her right as the second warning bell rings and pulls her into the empty class room used for drivers' ed and detention. she almost smirks as she hears the familiar click of a lock.
He turns with a devilish smile and walks slowly towards her, her heart's pace growing faster and faster with ever step he takes. finally, he's right in front of her and his lips are on hers without a second thought.
She only takes a second to think about how stupid this is for the both of them-kissing while their significant others are only yards away. but his tongue slips into her mouth and shuts down every thought she's ever had.
His hand comes up to cup her face as his other runs his long fingers along her spine, sending a wave of chills dancing across her skin.
Caitlyn wraps her thin arms around his neck and presses herself against him just as the final bell rings through the class room.
"We should get to class," she murmurs against his lips without making any effort to move.
His agreement is mumbled across her lips, but instead of pulling away from her, he lifts her up to sit on the empty desk in front of them, her legs wrapping themselves around his waist, her hands clutching onto his shirt like it's her lifeline.
They come to a silent agreement as their tongues tangle and his hand moves from her spine to her flat belly, caressing the skin below her bra.
Class can wait.
/
"I didn't see you in class, Shane?" Mitchie asks more than states at lunch, her voice more curious than accusatory. She doesn't even mention Caitlyn's absence, despite the three of them being in the same class together and she remembers once again why she doesn't lose sleep at night, despite her slutty extracurricular activities.
Ever since Mitchie and Shane started going out, it was like she lost her best friend. She was too busy thinking about dates with Shane, getting ready for dates with Shane, and going on dates with Shane. Caitlyn didn't even exist to Mitchie anymore, but that was fine with Caitlyn, so long as Shane never forgot her existence.
(And maybe this makes her as bad, if not worse than mitchie, but she's too blindfuckedupstupidinlove too see that.)
"Had things to do," he mutters through a mouthful of hamburger and Caitlyn has to fight a flush as he throws her an inconspicuous wink just as Mitchie turns her head away from them.
Things like Caitlyn Gellar, she thinks nibbling on her bottom lip as a light pink flush dusts her cheeks. No one notices, though and lunch continues on like normal and for a moment Caitlyn leaves her guilt about their aforementioned encounter behind, until Nate grabs her hand from under the table.
All the guilt suddenly floods back and as she squeezes his hand light and reflects the goofy smile he's got on his face, but the thing is, it's all an act.
And suddenly, she finds herself wishing the curly haired boy beside her was instead his older-by-a-year cousin. The one with the devilish smirk and roaming hands.
/
"Hi," she murmurs to Nate after school, when he shows up at her door to pick her up for the date she completely forgot they had. She feels bad, leading him on like this, when she's more interested in someone else, but she subdues the guilt by reminding herself she does like Nate. Not as much as Shane, but enough to enjoy their awkward necking and hand holding (when she's not pretending his name starts with an 'S' instead of an 'N').
"Hey." His grin is nervous and he's obviously sweating. "Ready to go?" He asks, glancing over her apparel - an oversized off-white sweater and grey skinny jeans. He doesn't comment, but she can tell he's curious by her suddenly dull, less colorful wardrobe.
She just smiles and nods and steps outside without speaking.
/
Their date consists of laughter and jokes and suddenly things aren't so awkward with Nate anymore.
"I totally kicked your butt on that last round," Caitlyn teases as he walks her to her door, still smiling at his bemused face after she had bowled four strikes in a row.
"I let you win!" Nate replies, shaking his head at her as they stop at her doorstep.
"Sure," she says sarcastically, and for the first time in a long time she feels happy with herself and her surroundings, but mainly she's happy with her relationship with Nate. She never gave him enough credit, she decides, as their talk dwindles down and Nate leans forward, pressing his warm lips gently on hers.
She melts against him, and is once again reminded of how different Nate and Shane kiss - Nate is soft, romantic, and Shane is fire and anger and passion and just a whirlwind of emotions and she promises herself she'll never cheat again as she waves goodbye to Nate.
But darling, you should never make promises you know you can't keep.
As Nate drives off, she heads upstairs towards her bedroom, throwing open the white door, only to find Shane sitting on her bed with a smirk on his face.
"Have fun on your date?" He asks teasingly, as if this whole ordeal doesn't bother him half as much as it bothers Caitlyn.
She shrugs and walks towards him. He meets her halfway, and she opens her mouth to ask how he got in her room, or even what he's doing there (questions Caitlyn already knows the answers to), but his lips are against hers in an urgent kiss and her body is suddenly pressed between his and the wall behind her and she breaks the promise she had made to herself only minutes ago.
Her fingers brush against his belt buckle and his breath tickles her neck and she loses herself in Shane, because that's what she's good at.
/
The next week, she walks into the cafeteria, blissfully ignorant to the fact that shane is Mitchie's and still high from their last encounter. Okay, not even ignorant; she just makes herself forget. She pretends that Mitchie isn't kissing Shane all the times Caitlyn isn't. She pretends, because that's what she's good at.
But then she can't pretend because Shane and Mitchie and entwined and their lips are locked and Caitlyn can't breath. She turns around to run, but bumps into Nate and another plan forms in her mind.
/
She drags him out to his truck and kisses him harder and harder, the way Shane kisses her, and she wraps herself around him and brushes her hips against his and he shakes his head at her and pushes her back.
He's breathless and staring wide-eyed at her.
"Caitlyn?" His voice is slightly hoarse and she can tell he's confused.
"Shh," she murmurs, crawling into the back seat of his truck and pulling him in onto of her, before pressing another kiss to his lips.
But he doesn't stay quiet. Instead, he pulls his lips from hers and sits up. "Caitlyn, what's going on?" He asks, confused. "Are you trying to sleep with me?"
She's confused and staring at him like he's an alien. "Do you not want to sleep with me?" She asks, her voice betraying her confusion and anger.
"I don't want to sleep with anyone right now, Cait," he says gently, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. Hot tears sting at her eyes and she nods, fixing her top and stepping out of the car.
"Okay," she murmurs like a robot and it's not even that he doesn't want to sleep with her that makes her so upset. It's the realization that she's become dependant on sex to make her feel better; to help her forget that her parents are always yelling and that Shane probably only wants her because she'll give it up, and more than that, it's that inside the cafeteria Shane is Mitchie's and there's really nothing Caitlyn can do about it.
/
Two days later, her parents sit her down on their worn couch.
She's still screwed up over everything with Mitchie and Shane and the mess with Nate and she doesn't want to hear what they have to say.
"Caitlyn," they say simultaneously, and she knows what's coming. Their eyes are filled with pity that she doesn't want, nor need, and before she can stop herself, she stands without a word, not needing their voices to conform what she already knows.
She runs out the door, ignoring her parents protests, and into the freezing rain. It's almost the end of January and she's freezing, but she doesn't care.
Just keep running.
She ends up at Shane's house. She's slightly confused as she takes in the two story white house with the olive green shutters, but she steps forward and presses the doorbell anyway without thinking.
She second guesses herself as she hears footsteps heading towards the large white door. What if shane laughs at her? He's not her boyfriend, after all (no, nate is) - Shane's just her fuck buddy; no feelings involved, remember?
But she can't bring herself to turn and run, so she just stands there instead, as Shane opens the door. His eyes go wide as he realizes it's Caitlyn and not the pizza guy (the only reason he answered the door in the first place, probably).
"You're soaked," he murmurs, gently grabbing her hand and bringing her inside. As he leads her towards his bedroom, she wonders if he'll try to sleep with her and is slightly shocked when he pulls her clothes off of her and puts on one of his too-big-for-her tee shirts onto her in it's place. Turning his lights off, he pulls her under his covers with him and lets her cry into his chest.
She tells him everything; how she feels like this awful person for doing this to her best friend and boyfriend. How she can't even dance anymore without tripping over her own too feet because she's just so damn distracted. How she's on the verge of failing math. How her parents have been fighting constantly and are now getting divorced because they can't be bothered to fight for their relationship anymore.
But the one thing that bothers her the most, she doesn't tell him - she can't.
Because "I'm in love with you" doesn't usually sit well with Shane Grey.
/
They don't have sex.
They spend the night talking about this and that; everything and nothing. Shane cracks jokes and Caitlyn rolls her red eyes and his arm stays wrapped around her waist.
/
She wakes up in his arms the next morning, her head on his chest and his arms holding her to him. And everything would have been perfect, had this been under different circumstances.
Because Mitchie is standing at the open door teary eyed as she stares down at Caitlyn and Shane and Caitlyn knows without even thinking that when she turns to run out, Shane's going to follow her.
And she does, and he does, and Caitlyn's left a mess on the bed.
/
She sits on the sidewalk outside of Shane's house after throwing her still damp clothes on and calls Nate, ready to come clean to him about it all.
She hasn't talked to him since she tried to sleep with him a few days ago, but she doesn't dare let her pride screw this up. not when she's already done enough of that.
"Hello?" His voice is groggy, as if he's just woken up and guilt eats away at Caitlyn. For a moment she considers hanging up - she could walk - but she doesn't, because she's just so damn tired of hiding the truth and she needs to come clean. He needs to hear the truth.
So she straightens her back, as if he can see her and asks, "can you maybe pick me up?"
He's suddenly more awake, as if he can detect the undertones of her forced-perky voice. The sadness, the hurt, the shame, the guilt, and, above all, the heartache.
"Where are you?"
/
His dark truck slows down in front of her and she wastes no time in jumping inside of it, her eyes downcast as she murmurs a quiet thank you.
He just nods in reply and things are silent for a while as Nate heads towards Caitlyn's house.
She can tell there are a million things running through his mind but he presses his lips together in a thin line and doesn't speak, only sparing her a few glances out of the corner of his eyes, waiting for an explanation, waiting for her to talk, just plain waiting.
She racks her brain for a way to come clean, a way to soften the blow, so it doesn't hurt as much, but then she realizes it's going to hurt just as much either way, so she opens her mouth and suddenly everything she's done, all the thoughts she's thought and feelings she's felt, they're all pouring out of her.
"I slept with Shane," she admits, before continuing.
"At first, it was nothing. Just a way for me not to feel or think. A way for me to completely lose myself. But then you came along and I like you, I do, but even though I tried countless times to break it off with Shane, I just couldn't do it. And then I thought about breaking up with you, but I already had feelings for you by this point, and even though they were miniscule compared to the one's for Shane, I just couldn't do it. I kept telling myself, I'd end things with Shane and I'd fall madly, deeply in love with you, and it wouldn't hurt to watch Mitchie and Shane together, and everything would be okay," she says, pausing to take a breath.
Nate's hands tighten against the steering wheel and turn a pale white, but he doesn't speak. He stays silent, letting Caitlyn continue.
"And it's no excuse. I've hurt you and I've hurt mitchie and I've hurt myself. but, Nate…" she paused, searching his face. "I'm in love with him." The confession comes tumbling out of her mouth before she can stop it and it finally hits her.
Before now, it wasn't real. Before it was just a thought she could bury with lingering touches and the brush of Shane's lips against hers.
But now that it's out in the air, now that she's spoken it, it's more than pretend.
It's real and it's true and it scares her to death.
/
They sit in his idling car and talk for two hours, sorting through their relationship and Caitlyn's feelings. Nate tells her he's more hurt that she didn't tell him than angry, but that he understands and then he admits that he maybesortof has a small crush on Mitchie.
They talk about their relationship and decide to be just friends. They talk about her parents' relationship. They talk about Shane and Mitchie and Mitchie and Nate, but Caitlyn shies away from the subject of her and Shane.
Finally, Caitlyn realizes the time and bids Nate a goodbye.
Just as she's shutting the door to his car, he says, "if he's worth fighting for, Cait, then you fight."
She nods wordlessly and steps back, watching as Nate drives off, probably to find Mitchie.
/
His words echo in her head, taunting her and leaving her sleepless.
If he's worth fighting for, Cait, then you fight.
It was funny how well Nate knew her. In fact, she'd say he was more of her best friend than Mitchie ever was. Because, see, Caitlyn's always been ohso good at running, at walking away;
At forgetting.
Staring up at her green ceiling, she decides she doesn't want to run anymore.
She's finally found someone worth fighting for.
/
It's two in the morning a week later, but she's standing beside Shane's house, throwing pebbles at his window. "Shane!" She whisper-screams, throwing another pebble.
She misses and hits the wall beside his window, but his light turns on and he sticks his messy head out of his window, his eyes turning blank as he spots Caitlyn.
"Yes?"
His voice is harsh and Caitlyn fights the urge to turn and run.
"Come down." It's not a request-it's a demand.
"No," is his reply, but Caitlyn glares up at him and crosses her arms over her chest.
"Come. Down." She emphasizes both words, and they match his in harshness and her eyes flaming, and suddenly she's furious; furious at him, furious at Mitchie, furious at herself, furious at the whole god damn world. She can hardly hear him curse and then mutter "fine" through her anger. She can feel her blood boiling inside her veins, and her eyes tear up slightly from her anger.
When Shane finally reaches her, Caitlyn moves toward him and they both think she's going to kiss him for a minute, but she doesn't. Instead, she stops a foot away from him, unsure of what to do with herself.
"I-" she pauses, suddenly choked up with the anger she's spent her whole life shoving down. she covers her face with her hands for a moment and when she looks up he's still glaring at her and she realizes maybe he's angry with the world too.
It thunders and Caitlyn jumps slightly, but doesn't make to move. She can't move. She's frozen.
His eyebrows arch and he continues to stare at her with mixed anger and curiosity - anger because Mitchie caught them; anger at her because he had help screwing everything up; and anger at the world because he's always been ohso good at hating the world.
The air is tense as the two stare each other down and finally, Caitlyn closes the space between them, but it's not for a kiss.
Before she can stop herself, she's punching his chest with her small fists, taking out all the pain he's caused her and the pain she's caused herself onto him.
"I hate you, I hate you, I fucking hate you," she cries through her hits, and Shane just stands there, slightly shocked, as rain starts to fall. He gently takes a hold of her wrists and stops her from hitting him. She sinks to the ground and he does down with her, both of them ignoring the cold rain. "I hate you so much," she cries and tries to look away, but he cups her cheeks and forces her teary eyes onto his.
He can tell she's hesitant to continue, but he stays silent. It's her choice - speak or bite her tongue.
She takes a breathe and for a second decides to stay quiet, to pretend she's finished speaking, but then she realizes she can't anymore-she can't pretend and, frankly, she doesn't want to. So she continues, her eyes on his the whole time.
"I hate the way you kiss me and the way you smirk and the way you make me want you. I hate the way you pretend no one means anything to you and I hate the way your arms feel around me and the way your hand feels in mine. I hate the way your hair is always a mess and the way your eyes light up when you smile - and not that fake, plastic smile, but your real, honest smile that's so rare. I hate that you can cook and I hate that you're so funny."
She pauses.
Say it or stay quiet?
She makes the decision on a whim.
"But most of all, I hate how much I fucking love you."
He stays silent for a moment, his previous anger gone. And that is the thing about Caitlyn Gellar he loves so much - even though Mitchie dumped him, even though he's near flunking out of school and even though he is so anger all the time, whenever Caitlyn is around, whenever she smiles or even speaks, he just smiles, and he can't help it really.
He doesn't speak. He pulls her to him, her chest bumping against his. Wiping at the tears underneath her eyes, he offers her a half smile, before leaning in slowly - much more slowly than ever before. His lips are still warm and his kisses are still fire and stars still explode behind her lids, but the kiss is more of a slow, burning flame than a fire out of control.
"I love you, Cailtyn Gellar," he murmurs against her lips and for the first time she believes everything will be okay. "I love you now and I'll love you always," and it's cheesy as fuck but she smiles because she believes him.
/
It takes them a while to sort things out, but two weeks later, Mitchie's snuggling with Nate and Caitlyn's holding Shane's hand and kissing him in public and rumors fly, but the four of them have always been good at ignoring gossip.
And Caitlyn can't stop smiling because maybe this isn't the fairytale romance she dreamed about when she was a kid, and maybe Shane's a bit too clumsy and way too conceited to be a selfless prince, and Caitlyn's got a mouth too foul and a spirit too restless to ever be a princess, but she doesn't care the way she used to.
Because this? This is real, honest, sometimes messy, but always true, love.
And she wouldn't have it any other way.
/
She doesn't have to pretend Shane is hers anymore.
a/n: four hours, nine pages, and 4k words later and I've finally finished this. the ending makes me laugh, because I started this story with full intent on it ending sad. oh well!
please, after all the hard work I did on this story, do not favourite without reviewing! (: