I started this as an exercise to work on my description for my fanfiction. I think it's evident in my writing for my long term fics when I started this piece cause i think my writing has improved since doing this excercise. Its taken me a while, and i had no intent of actually publishing it, re-reading it i think it would be nice to get actual comments on it...So Here it is
TABLEAU
Sai looked in awe as he watched the hands on the screen work their magic. Capturing essence and shapes that he had never tried before, the hand stroked the curvature of the body, making it look plump and ripe. The idea of drawing people like that never had dawned on him. Another idea to do in his free time. Sai continued to watch the man's' hand draw her, he was too heavy with the charcoal. The lighting was horrible to do the girl justice, but the painter did his very best. What most impressed Sai was the way he captured her eyes, they held fire and passion in them. Sai was never able to do that in his drawings, his people to him looked fake something was missing. Some unimaginable substance that if he found it would bring his work to life.
Sai never drew his friends; he would try to sketch something down. Then quickly erase it, it was never right. He didn't understand why it was so hard to capture. The books the boy was reading told him that the emotional response that was triggered by trying to draw his friends was frustration. Frustration: a feeling of dissatisfaction, often accompanied by anxiety or depression, resulting from unfulfilled needs or unresolved problems. Sai was very dissatisfied that he could never produce what was wanted by him.
It dissatisfied him that when ever Ino asked if he could draw her, he would sit there for a moment and try but then not get something right and tell her no. Dissatisfaction: a state of attitude of not being satisfied, discontent; displeasure. It displeased him that there would be still tableaus of Naruto at the ramen stand that he wanted to capture but never could. The ink would go on the paper, the color would be just right the lighting perfect. But something was missing.
And now Sai's discontent was only multiplying as he sat here and watched the movie. Sakura said it should help him trigger some emotional response, the ones she was looking for was empathy and sadness and happiness. The one Sai was receiving was what the book called envy. Envy: A feeling of discontent or covetousness with regards to another advantages, success, possessions etc. How could this fake character in this imagined story get the girls eyes right? Why could even with the lighting bad and even with sub par charcoal and paper, he captured something, something about her, that Sai just couldn't. And Sai coveted that talent to be able to draw people like they where, he coveted it like nothing else. But before too long the scenes had changed the boy was done with his sketch and had given it to the girl.
Sai couldn't help but feel nothing at the end of the movie, so the boy painter dies at the end of the movie tragically? Its not like that couldn't be seen from the very beginning, the movie was named after a famous shipwreck for a reason. The only part Sai had cared about was the drawing, the only part in the movie that had triggered any emotional response. But oh well he would just have to watch more movies on Sakura's list. Sai scrimmaged around his apartment looking for the list he had written down with all the movies Sakura had mentioned in their conversations. The next movie on their list was Dear Juan.
Having no want to go to the video store Sai decided to go in his studio and work. The first things he started with were what ever was outside his window. Bird's today two song birds, robins they looked like they were building a nest. Seemed easy enough the concept of drawing animals was something he could do. Nothing to hard to capture here. But as Sai looked at the finished product, discontent and disappointment leaked into his bones. This was not what he had seen in real life. Something was missing, the nest look wrong, and the birds looked pale. The colors where right, the lighting was too, what was different, it accured to him that his inability to capture the birds had to do with his inability to capture there song. That sweet whistling that had rang through his window. That had made everything seem real to him. But how can one capture song in a painting? They were just birds; he should be able to draw birds. Sai put his paint brush down and started towards the bathroom.
Something was welling in his stomach as he looked himself in the mirror. An emotional response? Naruto and Sakura kept assuring him that emotion where a good thing, that they would make him happy, but as he looked himself in the mirror Sai concluded that what ever he was feeling was not happiness. The best way to describe it was disgust. Disgust: repugnance caused by something offensive; strong aversion. Sai right now was feeling something strong about his lack of ability to draw. Sai was disgusted by the fact that a fake character could capture real life better then him a real person.
Maybe there was something in the charcoal. Sai rarely even used charcoal but he could try. Maybe he just needed better charcoal, rougher paper. That's what he needed to be able to draw living things. It was just because the tools weren't right.
Finding a new vigor Sai looked at the clock, it was 6:00 in the afternoon on a Friday, the store should be closing very soon, but if he hurried it would be all right. Sai took off, at a jolly walk. The store wouldn't close until 7:00 he had an hour, and he all ready knew what he wanted so he didn't need time to browse. The streets of Konoha where busy, everyone seemed to be out for dinner. On the way he saw team ten at the barbeque, no it was just Ino and Chouji. Shikamaru probably skipped out on them.
Sai stopped in the street to observe the pair. Something was different about this dinner between the two. Chouji wasn't stuffing his face, and Ino's mouth wasn't moving nearly as much as it usually does. Ino seemed subdued and Chouji seemed to be realizing for once that his food wasn't going to jump off his plate. The big red head was talking to the girl; it seemed in an intimate matter. Sai didn't understand why Ino didn't seem interested. She looked down and wouldn't meet the gaze of her team mate. Her eyes were redder and puffier then usual as she shirked away from the sausage hand that tried to affectionately squeeze her shoulder.
Chouji's reaction oozed with disappointment and hurt but he continued to talk about something, keeping his eyes on the thin blond that refused to look in his direction. After a while it seemed the boy must have said something that startled the girl. The big blue eyes looked into the chocolate brown, confusion sparkled through them. Ino shook her thin body quivering about something. The boy continued to talk as his steady meaty hand reached out and took a hold of Ino's. The meaty paw seemed to envelop the thin precise fingers of the konoichi.
Ino looked at the two hands that had met for a second; staring at them in understanding but still something was sad about them. The blond glanced up at the hulk of a man across from her. A smile crept along the face. Her eyes were true blue as she looked at Chouji, and the girl seemed to illuminate the entire street as she did nothing. Nothing really changed in how she carried herself or how she looked. Just a small smile, as she looked at the man who held her hand carefully and delicately, and right their Sai new that he wanted to capture that moment with something. Paint, charcoal, something, because it was beautiful.
Those two were beautiful; the way they looked at each other was beautiful. Sai might not know what emotions where or how to tell what they where. But he knew as he watched the scene, that this was beautiful. The artist inside him was screaming to capture that, to make sure it would remain in every ones mind, not just his own. But all too soon the intimate seen he had just seen was broken a spell that could never be replaced. The waiter had come up to the table and the two broke off their brief physical contact. Sai put it on the list of things to draw, for he would never forget that moment. That brief physical contact that brought…something from those two. He didn't understand what it was. But he wanted to capture it.
The scene was over and there was no point in reminiscing on the past, but Sai just couldn't get the picture out of his head. Something incredibly had happened. And Sai had been there to witness it; some would say that he was lucky. He should feel something right? Like awe, he felt awe…Awe: An overwhelming of reverence, admiration, fear, etc, produced by that which grand, sublime or extremely powerful. But really, it was just a small meeting of two peoples hands. Not two grand shinobi facing each off in battle.
He walked to the store; he kept on thinking of that meeting, was he in awe of it? Not really it wasn't overwhelming, just out of character. Is that what made it stick out in his head? How out of character it was? He had, never experienced something like that. He probably never would. But he could watch it happen. On the side lines, and try to keep it. Through something. He'll paint it and pretend to understand it. But only Chouji and Ino would truly understand what that smile meant. He like the rest will have to guess, and the more he hypothesized about what happened he could feel the memory, slipping farther into something his mind was creating. Every time he went over it, a small thing changed. By the time Sai got to the store, the whole scene might as well have been pure fiction.
The store owner smiled at him and continued flipping through an art magazine at the cash register. This was the only true art store in Konoha, it was owned by a small woman late 30's. She didn't get a lot of repeat customer's so she was always happy to see Sai. "Hello Julie," Sai greeted, it was customary to be polite to acquaintances. That's what all the books said. The little woman looked up from the article and blinked, Sai usually never started their conversations. Her horned rimed purple glasses flashed at him as her cat like green eyes looked him up and down.
"Hello Sai, what are you doing here so late? I'm almost closing." She said looking at her Minnie mouse watch. Sai continued to smile.
This is what people do when asking favors, they smile at each other. "Where is your charcoal?" Sai asked. The woman's died magenta eyebrows shot up a little.
"Charcoal? I never knew you used charcoal, I always thought you stuck with oil paint."
"I'm trying something new."
"It's in the second row towards the front, you'll see them. I have mostly individual pieces, but you can splurge and by a whole set of colors I won't mind."
Sai bowed his head "Thank you" and then walked off towards the products. He quickly found what she meant; it was a medium sized rack, lots of individual pieces of just grey's and blacks. Julie had a tester out for each different brand that was nice of her. Of course the paper you use with coal is usually a lot thicker and rougher then Sai was used to. Running his fingers over the paper for the testing he felt each little fuzzy bump shape the groves like the calluses of a hand. This paper was like a farmers hand compared to a daimyo's hand. While one was fine. Gentle and this with sharper edges, another was rougher rounder callused with grit and griddle. It was like each item you used had its own story to tell, and it worked with different things better. The rice paper he usually used required soft delicate strokes of a paint brush to leave behind gentle watery lines that required further pigmentation if you preferred anything to stick to it. If you used too much though it would bleed through and run down the paper. But the charcoal clung to the rough paper with light ease and reminded Sai of the dirt on a callused hand. Unlike the paint it wouldn't soak in to the paper and it would keep itself on the outside, but if you used too much it would cake on to the sheets, and make it seem like your painting had gone through a mud bath.
Finally settling on a small packet of different colors and types of charcoal, it included paper too, he went up to the counter. Julie smiled again at him making her died magenta hair look even more faded in the dimming light, and adding more crows feat and wrinkles to her face. The wrinkles seemed to be used to the smile and welcomed it with open arms. For somehow at the same time she looked old and aging, her hair and clothing sad, the smile seemed to meld her wrinkles into her eyes to look content, and happy. She was aging with grace…even if she didn't know it. Saying goodbye and exiting the shop Sai had the urge to walk around Konoha, maybe to see more sights. The sun was almost setting and it seemed to reach the tree tops making everything seem more majestic.
The park seemed like a nice place to go on a Friday night. The darkness was descending so most of the parents were taking their children and leaving. A mother sat on a park bench holding a small boy who was crying into her arms. As Sai drew closer he saw it was Kurinie and her baby boy Asuma. As Sai looked at the child in the brunettes arms he realized baby was not the correct term, maybe toddler would be a better fit. The boy had his father's dark brown hair, when he grew up he would have the pepper colored hair that his father was so famous for. The boy was leaning his face into his mothers shoulder wiping away his tears and snot on her shirt. How could she not mind that? Kurenia had her arms wrapped around him and was patting his back forming a shushing noise with her red rose colored lips. The boy after a while looked up at his mother, and Sai only caught the profile. The boy's face was streaked with tear lines and his eyes shone a deep red just like his mothers. That seemed to be the only thing that showed the two were connected by blood. His face was the exact same shape as his fathers and the fine angles contrasted sharply with the smooth face of his mothers. The little boy looked up and there was exhaustion in the red eyes, exhaustion and confusion. Something Sai could understand.
But then he caught a glimpse of Kurenie's face, and he was confused again. Her eyes were soft, but somehow stern, her voice somehow making the boy stop trembling. But her eyes there were something in her eyes…that was different. Kind of like Chouji's eyes before…but different. There was a similar feeling, but it seemed stronger than Chouji's. While his eyes were maybe unsure of themselves, hers shone with a confidence and grace that something gave her. And it was again awe inspiring, and scary at the same time. Again Sai was missing something, but not like before.
Whatever Chouji and Ino had it was something Sai, maybe, had the potential to have. He wasn't sure what it was, he knew he wanted it, and he knew he might get it, whatever it is. When saw Kurenai and little Asuma; Sai felt loss. Loss: the state of being deprived of or of being without something that one has had. But he never had it, not that he could remember anyway. He never had a mother, and if she did she didn't want him. She gave him a way as soon as she could. Some people were just not meant to be parents.
It was time to move on and move on he did, the park was nearly dark now and the trees were dead silent. There was no wind to rustle the leaves tonight; the air was still warm with residual heat. Walking out of the beaten path; the stars where beautiful tonight everything was in place. This was the type of night people could only dream about, maybe Sai would be able to sit in a clearing and draw a few sketches. Just to enjoy the rest of the night. Sai stopped by a tree though, people where already there. The clearing was filled with fireflies and two people lying in the grass. A women sat up her blond hair, seemed to shine by her copper skin. Her back was too Sai and as she leaned in towards somebody on the grass, the curves of her well developed body shined.
A white hand came and grabbed the women's hip, it was obviously a man. As the man seemed to be drawn upwards by the women's mouth. The man's arms encircled her, as there tongs battled for domination. The coarse black hair covering the women's face. As they broke apart for breath. As Sai finally saw her face he recognized Suna's ambassador, Suboku no Temari. The man leaned forward more until he was almost straddling her. Temari arched her head backwards so that the man had more access to her neck. It seemed as though he greatly appreciated this as Sai heard a low growl from the man.
As the man's head traveled lower and lower his mouth came to her left breast one of his hands on her other. She threw her head back again and gasped "Shika!" The man stopped and pulled away. Temari smiled at the man she was with and slowly lifted her hand to pull away his hair that was drooping like curtains around his face. Sai finally recognized him. "Shikimaru" He heard her whisper to him. And it was Shikimaru Nara the lazy genius himself. Temari went to go take her hand away from his face. He grabbed her wrist and kissed the palm of her hand, then gently placed it back on his face. Sai had never seen Shikimaru's eyes this blazing, outside of the battlefield before.
"Temari," He breathed, as he looked at her. The change in atmosphere was electric. Three seconds ago seemed like mindless petting suddenly became important. Shikimaru kept her hand on his face as he circled his other arm to the small of her back. Clutching it and bringing her chest closer to his. There was suddenly a reversal in the two's normal relationship. The lazy eyes that usually went with whatever was in front of him, were drilling into the aqua marine eyes of the usual dominating woman. You could cut the tension in the air with a kunai. "Temari" He said again kissing the palm of her hand once more before placing it back on his face.
The aquamarine gaze of the women, seemed torn about something, and there was definite sadness in her eyes. The way they sparkled. Sai had never been good with sensing emotions from others. But there was nothing but there was no reason why she should feel sad. The man she obviously was attracted to share her attraction. There was nothing them keeping them physically apart. She should be happy and continue in the process of courtship. He did not understand what was stopping them from having sex, besides the fact that they were in a public park. But Sai had been around long enough to realize that being in public didn't always stop people from carnal pleasures.
But as Sai looked at the two together, he became even more confused. Here was Shikimaru obviously giving something important to her, and she was stopping herself from taking it. They seemed to make each other happy. People claimed to want happiness, but when others bring it to them they will use any excuse to run away from it.
Excuses like timing, or prior relationships or job commitments. Sure they want to be happy but if something in their secured life is threatened they will throw away a chance at happiness, and then cry about it. There are countless fantasies of people giving up everything to be with that one special person, just like in that movie he watched tonight. But nobody actually did that. As Sai watched two people who obviously made each other very happy, break away and start fighting, his heart burned. Who were they? To throw away something so precious because of worldly matters.
Sai would never have the chance to have what they have. He never felt the need to speak some ones name the way they just did. And those two were throwing it away. Jealousy seemed to be the only emotion he could truly experience. Feelings were a good thing apparently that's what everyone kept telling him. Why did he want to stop Nara, who was now stomping off into the forest leaving Temari behind, crying on the grass?
In the end though the scene that Sai had just experienced was none of his business. He wasn't going to get involved, and he shouldn't have stayed and watch those two fight. But If Temari continued to cry, he might draw her. She had her face in her hands and her knees under her chin. The black pant's she was wearing made the moon shine down on her copper tone. Her hair was down and she didn't seem like the fierce woman that Sai barely knew. She seemed like one of those civilian girls he saw every day. Sai found that the scene had fascinating symmetry. Temari was attractive; if Sai could draw people he would have drawn Temari often. There was something beautiful about the way her hips swished in the wind. Maybe he could ask Temari if he could draw her naked. But he quickly dismissed the idea; she obviously was not in the mood to be drawn.
Walking away down the path, he wondered if Temari was still crying. The woods were nice in this bright moonlight. Sai came up to the clearing with the KIA stone. Such a silent place always, wreaths were in there usual spot by the stone, with two known people standing there. Even though the two had their back to him Sai still knew them from sight. There were no other people in town that had that pink of hair and orange of jacket. It was Sakura and Naruto both staring at the KIA stone. Sai always felt uneasy when going to that stone. When staring at it he felt, unworthy. Unworthy: Not of adequate character. People like Naruto, Sakura, and Kakashi; they cared about those names on that stone. They saw something more than what it was. Sai just saw a stone.
Sakura's stance was straighter than usual. So straight it looked as though she would fall over, Sai could also tell she was shaking a little. Her knees were locked, Sai couldn't get closer without disturbing the two, but he knew the back of Sakura's knees had goose bumps. Her skin always that healthy pink flush. Her pink head turned a little to look up at the stoic Naruto. There was sadness and admiration in the pale green eyes. Naruto didn't notice his focus was directly on the stone. He had grown tall and solid. There was no wiggle of impatience or fidget. Naruto looked at the stone like he was communicating with the dead, with Sasuke. As Sai looked at Sakura, she had her full attention on the golden blond hair man. Naruto was gone; he wasn't in the world anymore.
Her gloved hand slowly rose up and pinched the excess fabric of Naruto's jacket. Her chin trying to keep itself up so her eyes stayed on Naruto's. Sakura's pink lips opened just slightly. Finally after staring in silence at the wrapped up blond. Sakura let go and looked back towards the stone. The stance going back to the original stance. Sai stomach sank, why Naruto wasn't looking. Sai's mind went back to before the war, the smile that used to be permanently stuck on the Blonds face. He rarely smiled like that anymore. The more the days went on, the more Sai could see Sakura falling. Sasuke was gone, Kakashi was a walking zombie, and Naruto was quick to fallow. Sakura couldn't stop Sasuke, Kakashi was too far gone, she wasn't stopping Naruto either.
Her shoulders sagged, and it was Naruto's turn to look at her. There was nothing in his eyes. No drool, no admiration, no nothing. Sai wondered how the man who always encouraged him to feel, to become a real human had become so dead inside. As sai looked at the cerulean blue eyes, he wondered was it him or Naruto who was not human. The blue eyes turned away and back towards the stone. Sakura turned to start walking.
His arm shot out and gripped her arm; that was going to leave a bruise. Sakura's eyes looked down at her arm, and Naruto's hand loosened. His shoulders shook, Sakura seemed to be thinking about something. Naruto continued to shake, in fear Sai would venture to guess. She grabbed his hand and lifts it off her arm. Naruto was no longer looking at her. When his hand was no longer gripping her arm, she placed it between both of her hands. Naruto went back to looking at that stone. Sakura's nose flared, her face grimaced. "If you want me to stay, you have to stay too." Naruto looked back at her, his eyes bright blue with sadness and admiration.
"I'm staying."
"Then I'm staying too." She pulled the man closer until she could rest her head on his shoulder. They both turned back to the stone, and Naruto's arm wrapped around Sakura to keep her by him. Neither of them were shaking anymore, and there was solidness to the two, that neither of them could have matched together. Sai felt the moon finally come up, making the scene much more intimate. It was time to leave.
The moonlight seemed to only illuminate the walkways, Sai made a decision just to walk parallel of the walk. Today seemed like a time to view others. As he walked towards Konoha, he saw the lights of the city dance and glimmer. It seemed so vibrant compared to a cool colored park with its tree's and slightly illuminated pathways. The city seemed to dance with its lights a shine. Konoha really was a hub of culture and life.
He came to a T intersection in the walkway, at the center a bench was illuminated slightly by a street lamp. On the bench a man sat slumped elbows on his knees hands together, almost like a prayer. His red hair sticking up at all ends, obviously un kept. The agitated man ran his hand through it, which explained why it was so scraggly. He looked tense. His hands went back together as he brought them up to prop up his chin. Once Sai saw the eyes, he knew the man. The Kazekage was in town, the aqua eyes so like his sisters seemed to be mulling something over in his head. His nostrils flared in frustration as he ran his hands threw his hair. He seemed to be angry at something, somebody. Sai looked around the man, something was different. It was the absence of his gourd. He usually carried it with him all the time; it was different to see him without it. To a stranger he would look less imposing. To a person who knew him, the absence would only cause worry. Gaara looked down the walk towards the east. Then he shook his head. Sai wondered if this was the type of Gaara a person would see in his office. Fidgety, anxious, an obvious internal battle raging in his head. Sai had only seen him during War meetings where he showed as much emotion as Sai. There was something troubling the red Kage. Sai chuckled a little, it was funny, because people from Suna were known as reds, and, and the kazekage had red hair…it was a pun….kind of, maybe. Sai had stopped reading the book on humor because it confused him.
The Kage head snapped to the left where he was looking, Sai looked that way as well. Sai recognized the woman instantly. It was Hinata; the girl he felt was the beauty of Konoha. Most men would pin that prize on the Hokage or Sakura, depending on the man. Sai felt that the blue haired girl face had the most symmetry. Her body was also more pleasing to the eye. Unfortunately she hid it, the only reason Sai knew was because during the war the two had a mission together. She had had to change in front of him. The girl had almost passed out from embarrassment. Once she saw Gaara her slow stroll became a power walk. Her eyes were steadily on the path. Determined not to look at the Kage. Gaara's eyes widened a little and for a brief moment he saw sadness on the powerful mans feature.
As Hinata crossed into the light of the lamp, Gaara interrupted her walk. "Hinata," It was soft almost unintelligible. The girl didn't look but kept moving. "Hinata," Gaara said a little louder, she hesitated for a moment and kept moving. His shoulders were straighter, and his voice was harsher, it didn't really work on the heiress. She swirled around; Hinata's expression was easy to read. Sai had never seen the beautiful heiress this angry before. When she had executed traitor to Konoha during the war she had held more compassion in her eyes, she had even cried afterwards.
The look of disgust as she looked at the kazekage made the imposing man look like an ant. She wasn't a conventional heiress; she didn't strut with that air headed dignity, that didn't mean that the dignity was not there. It was strong and silent, a lot like Gaara's when Sai really thought about it. She was towering over this powerful man, he was a flee. The blue eyes of the man seemed to be lost for words when he saw that face. "Please," there was a long pause were the normal charismatic Kage, was at a loss for words and looked like a fish with his mouth open. "S-sit down. Let me explain."
The girls pearl eyes seem to gleam in anger as she looked at the man hunched over, almost begging her to listen. When she sat down she sat up straight at the very opposite end of Gaara. She was stiff and proud as she didn't look at the man. Gaara was hunched within himself as he looked at that perfectly symmetrical face. She didn't say a word. "It was the council's idea," He said slowly his voice low and gravely as usual. "They are the ones who went to your father."
"Bull shit" Her voice came out harsh and clear, Sai had never heard her swear before.
Gaara turned away, his face and entire body turned towards the ground. They stayed there, Hinata looking up and straight, her body was of a porcelain dolls sitting proud. Her eyes were fire opals gleaming, daring the moon to come down to face them. Her hair was giving itself to the static of the evening, small strands sticking out, but not all together messy, swaying back and forth with the light breeze. She reminded Sai of a portrait of a moon goddess he saw once.
Her worshiper was wincing in pain. The man, stooped over eyes glued together creating wrinkles on a masculine face. The black around his eyes looked like burns in this light, as though he was punished for looking to close at the beauty next to him. His hands seemed to be comforting each other and goading the man to do something. "I had courted other girls, in different countries," He began waiting for her response. She was a temple, she couldn't respond. "They all acted like a proper heiress being courted, none of them actually wanted me there though." He dared to look at the direction of the goddess; a frown creased her symmetrical face.
"There was one girl in the stone country, that I actually asked." Hinata's shoulders moved like a cat's ready to pounce, or flee. "She was what I thought, a perfect wife, she knew all her duties, came from a prestigious line, wasn't too bright. She would leave me alone and perform all what was asked off her without fuss."
The more he talked about the other girl, the more flustered and angry Hinata seemed to get. Gaara's eyes were glued on the profile of Hinata he couldn't take them away; he seemed to know that something might change if she looked at him. "I asked her to marry me, she said yes." Hinata glanced at him in shock, and then quickly looked away. "Then she started sobbing, and apologizing. The girl was a wreck after she said yes, I, I, didn't understand. She seemed to have been pleased whenever I was in her company. I was never rude to her; I assured her she would be able to visit her home whenever she wanted, with proper escorts of course."
"Who wouldn't want that," Hinata spat with a sarcasm that would make Neji proud.
"She finally told me why, after I demanded that we not leave the garden until I knew." Gaara's hands ran threw his hair, his anger and confusion seemed to be growing now. "The girl was in love, with another man, she had been the whole time. A son of another Daimyo, who had originally been her suitor, until I came along. I asked her why she didn't tell me." Gaara's pitch went a little higher as though he couldn't control his voice anymore. "She said it wasn't the proper thing to do."
Hinata's eyes became softer as she heard this, Gaara looked at her again, she could no longer ignore his stare, she had to look in the complete opposite direction now to keep the composer she still had left. "I decided to get to know the next girl as a friend, or a team mate, before asking…so I wouldn't have to tear her apart from any man."
Hinata's hair was covering her face, "No just her dreams and ambitions," Gaara physically recoiled when he heard that. Her voice was so soft and it almost broke. "I told you as a FRIEND that my father was trying to sell me off. That I didn't want, and then you go and…" The two sat there for a while. Hinata only staying for a reply. Gaara seemed to be forming one, for his mouth would open and then shut. His nostrils flared and his face set up in grimace.
Gaara stood up and knelt down before her, bending down on one knee. So he looked at the statue of the woman before him. "I'm going to withdraw my suit." He ventured daringly to reach his hand and touch her knee. She looked at him, her eyes shocked.
"You're council?" She asked. Her face seemed to be considering something. And she didn't look as happy as Sai expected she would be. Her face was no longer angry, it wasn't joy. Gaara turned away from her; to look down the path his eyes were also sad, distant. He stood up to his full height, which in Sai's opinion was very short.
"Don't worry about it; I'll take care of them." Gaara's voice turned to the familure gruff grimace. He was stoic again as he looked down the moon lit path, he had all of his back to Hinata blocking the moon from her and leaving her in a shadowy darkness. She was the one looking up at him, her eyes sad, a tear streaked her face. Then Gaara Muttered something so soft that Sai could not hear it. Gaara started walking away in the fast pace Hinata had had before. Hinata stood up, infuriated by the comment as she watched the man walk away from her. The tears streaking down her eyes adding to the anger showing on her face. She looked like she wanted to shout something at the man, who seemed consumed in the darkness as he walked away from his light source. She clenched her fist ready to scream0, but she waited.
She waited for the shadowy man to look back, that never came. After he was almost gone, she gave up and sat down, Sai formed the words in his head as he saw her lips move. "I would have said yes, if you would have asked me first." Hinata took one deep breath as she looked up at the lamp shining down on her. Her face littered with red patches from her emotions. Whipping away the last tear, she stood up, a goddess mourning over the death of a chosen hero. She walked away in the opposite directions.
Not wanting to confront either Gaara or Hinata again, Sai walked back from where he came from. The further he walked away from the light of the lampshade, the more his stomach was churning, the more it seemed like his tongue was dripping with acid. The more his fist clenched as he thought about everything. That frustration he had felt before had gotten deeper; it seemed to echo through his toes to reverberate in his heart. The envy also seemed to ooze out of himself as he looked at the sky. He wanted to shake his fist at the moon, scream until his lungs gave out. He didn't understand
It wasn't rational to want to do these things. Before he knew it he was back at the KIA clearing. Naruto and Sakura were gone, leaving Sai all alone with the stone. As the moon gleamed off the surface, the characters flashed at him for brief moments, calling to him. His mind went blank, the siren called him towards the light of the stone. Sai was in front of the stone, shakes raked his body as he slowly reached out to touch it.
He felt the ocean. Waves crashing over him. Receding back into oblivion. Each name was a break, white caps making him froth with thought. The part of his raging was calmed. A man could stand forever on the beach. The stone was cool, the water was warm. His skin felt the ocean. It seemed like just coming in contact with the water made his nostrils and taste buds flair with salt. It stung his skin. The stinging induced the calling of the siren, each name called him deeper and deeper into the ocean.
He continued to read continued to go to the voices; his body ached as he saw this stone. He was a in the ocean, too far out to come back, too far in to keep going. He stood there, floating until his throat was caked with brine. The sun was baking him, as he floated looking at the names in the stone. He was too tired to do anything, the voices told him to keep on floating, to just let the salt take him over.
Sai didn't know how long he stood there staring at the stone. Until he was caked with salt. Becoming a crusty saline man. He blinked; he had been floating in that stone for hours. He was in the land of the dead, and he wanted to stay there. His mind had been blank and free, like he was an automatic robot. Sai hadn't felt that secure in a while. Not since he had root controlling him. He'd forgotten how comfortable this world was. The world of the dead, he didn't understand the living. He didn't understand how they could love and leave how they could whisper but actually scream. He could stay with the dead; there soothing voices never left him uncomfortable.
In the land of the dead, women never sat there weeping, men never lost friends, women never grew old, goddesses never fell, everyone was the same floating along in an endless ocean. Waiting to get to the other side. Like the chicken in the old joke. Why float here, waiting…to get to the other side. The Tide had him. The dead had him. He blinked the brine stinging his eyes. For the past month Sai had been tiring himself out trying to swim to the beach, only to get pulled back into the current. Now he had no will to fight.
He had lost. Let Sai live dead and crusty. Like Kakashi, just walking from building to building, mission to mission.
Rubbing his eyes, he looked at the stone, it was no longer gleaming, the clouds covered the moon, the stone was dark opalescent. No character was there to look at Sai. The only thing Sai could see was his face. An uncomfortable glue color, pasty, florescent. The only thing whiter than his skin was the white of his eyes. He never liked how he looked. He didn't like things that were definite and sharp in his paintings. He preferred softer lines and blended colors. Sai himself was stark and startling to look at. He wanted his paintings and lines to look smooth soft curved warm. He never liked straight lines. That's why he did abstract mostly, if not mammals.
Sai never drew self portraits, he found the concept uncomfortable. Why draw oneself? His hair was blacker then the midnight that surrounded him. He could be mistaken for an old black and white TV character, there was no color, there were just stark lines. It was cool the stone in his hand, when he couldn't see the names he could only see himself, he leaned in. When he looked at the stone as the stone itself. He didn't like it either.
He didn't like the geometric shape, it was sharp. It was jagged, a kunai's edge started with the names of the famous warriors, going down to the chunnin, one had to kneel on the ground to see a gennins name. The more he looked at the sharp stone, the kunai cutting into people; he didn't understand why he was here.
He didn't like sharp edges; he didn't like his reflection in this opalescent stone of songs. He didn't like this stone. Yet each one of those hiragana characters called him and lulled him deeper into the ocean. He had been out of the ocean, the brine was sun baked on his skin. The night was getting darker he wanted to leave, his body was too tired to go thru this. He didn't know why he was here in this spot. He didn't understand what stroke of the pen brought him to this stone, that made him want to go back to the days where life was moment to moment and remembering anything was only for a mission. He had thought he grew past such things, but they were comforting to float in. Sai closed his eyes.
He needed to move on, he wanted to leave, this clearing was getting stuffy, everything was closing in around him, he couldn't breath. Why was he here? Why did he decide to walk in the park? Breathing became hard. He was stuck here; there was no leaving this clearing alive. He needed to leave. He couldn't. He was all alone swimming against the tide. He couldn't do it alone, but the living scared him. If he reached out now, he could get hurt; he could be Temari crying alone in the twilight. Gaara stomping off in anger, he could grow old. Sai wanted to leave this clearing of the dead, but wanted to stay only an observer of the living. He had been stuck all his life, in this in between. Alive only by name, moving only when called. For now Sai was safe. He only watched people get hurt; he didn't have to hurt himself. His breathing slowed down.
He could walk away. He could walk away and stick to this feeling he already knew. Day to day, moment to moment, no past effecting his future, just the present and what he was told. Wallowing in the ocean of the dead. Walk away his eyes still closed, letting nothing more bother him. He could only feel the cool sleekness of the stone and the rough bumps of each name. If he left now, he would feel a lovely safe emptiness.
Sai opened his eyes. To see that the moon had come out of the clouds and the reflection in the stone was stronger.
It was his brother, staring back at him, a smile on his round tan face. His blond hair scraggly no edges to sharp. Eyes warm dark green stared back, his cold black ones. He had forgotten how tanned his brother had been to him, golden almost. The crook in his brother smile made things brighten in the dark clearing. Sai reached out again to his brother, his brother did the same their hands met. The stone was no longer cool; it was no longer the ocean. But a warm living thing. When Sai touched his brother he felt warm, alive, a pulse in his ears ringing to his toes.
His stomach dropped out of his body, as he considered closing his eyes again, things would go back to the cold safety. But his brother face shook his scraggly head. Now Sai really wanted to stay, here the man was, all that was left, a reflection in this memorizing stone. His brother shook his head again. Sai felt warm wet tears glide down his face he started shaking again.
He didn't want to leave; he wanted to stay with his brother. More warm trails blazed across his face. He wanted to keep in this warmth, with his brother, forever. He missed his brother; He missed the side smile when they would talk all those years ago. He missed him. Sai gasped out as he his quivered more and more. Both of his hands were on the stone to keep himself from collapsing. Sai was looking at his brother's reflection his shallow breathing causing him to gasp out. His brother was fading away the reflection was leaving him.
"DON'T LEAVE ME" somebody cried in despair.
The mirage shook his head.
Sai looked at the fading image, "I can't do this without you, I can't feel safe… and warm, I need you here. PLEASE!" He could hear the words, the irrational words that seemed to be screaming out of his mouth. Sai had never felt so….so
So…
So…
Irrational.
His brother was fading. "I'll stay here forever, if I can't find you again." The reflection was gone
The stone was just a stone, each of the names a siren call for him to try and swim back in the ocean. Sai's face was warm and splotchy.
Sai looked up at the stars, the black was getting lighter, the stars seemed to be fading in the call of a new day. His hands were still red from griping on to the side of the stone, they were cold. He whipped away the last of his tears as he looked at the sky. "I'll stay, until I find you again." He said to the sky, only using the stone for support."
A warm tenor echoed in his mind, "Stop looking, live…my little brother."
Sai's legs gave out; his body fell to the ground. A crunch sounded beneath him. Sai looked down; it was the charcoal package broken and crumbly because he had sat on it. The red was jamming into the yellow which was crumbling onto the blue. The black seeped a little onto the blue charcoal but it was mostly its same structure. The charcoal had mixed together, like crayons in the hot sun. Sai was shaking less, looking back at the night sky that was at the beginning of dawn. He didn't think he had stayed out that early.
Taking a deep breath, Sai realized why he was there in the first place. The charcoal, which was ruined, he had decided to try charcoal. He looked at the mess of colors again as he sat there. Sai laughed, he didn't understand why, he just laughed.
He was finding it hard to breath. His side hurt, it was just funny. He felt light and warm and his voice seemed to bubble out of him. The more he tried to suppress it the harder it was for him. The laugh was resonating to his hands, they felt tingly, his stomach was working over time. His cheeks hurt. He laughed harder.
Finally Sai got off the dirty ground checking to see how much charcoal got on his clothes. Not much. As Sai gathered his thoughts, he felt elated. He couldn't wait to get home and try these new charcoals out.
Julia looked like last night. She might have been getting old but she was aging gracefully. Maybe that would be his first drawing with the charcoal, her face in that light.
Or Ino's as it lit up the street like another sun.
The moon goddess Hinata ruling over her court and the man she loved.
Shikimaru and Temari, giving each other everything, nothing at the same time.
Sakura pulling Naruto out of the ocean.
Kurenie comforting little Asuma, like he was the only thing important in the world.
Or his brother, smiling in the stone as he comforted Sai in the cold.
Sai felt something welling in his stomach as he walked away. It wasn't what he was used to. It was a type of excitement. He didn't know what would come today. The tableaus of yesterday trickled through his mind. As he walked the elation of uncertainty over took him, and he wondered to himself, "What will I draw today?"