The Totally Professional Prank War

by Murposifly

"Too obvious," Salazar's 'I'm-SO-Bored, Are There Any Teen Girl Magazines Lying Around' voice. Rowena stifled a gasp. That traitorous slimy snake, she thought to herself. She would have to be sneaky. Like the wind. And plan her vengeance. Like the WIND.

(A/N): This is a group story between murpo and Lumosify.

---

The Totally Professional Prank War

Salazar Slytherin examined the effect of the spell on the mice. He leaned in closer as he tried to figure out what the mice were doing. As he knelt down, he felt something tingle on his back. Probably nothing, he thought to himself as the tingling stopped. He stood up straight after he decided that the mice were doing exactly what they were supposed to do. The tingling effect came back to him. He turned around to see nothing that could cause the tingling. However, he did notice something different about the room, something small.

Salazar surveyed the room again, before the thought came to his mind. He looked up and noticed that the normal serpent that curled around the chandelier was gone. Instead, in its place, stood two lions, one blood red and one shimmering gold but both holding one end of a scroll.

"Godric..." Salazar muttered threateningly. He summoned the scroll and opened it. It said:

P.R.A.N.K. W.A.R.

Godric was going through a phase of sorts; every single one of his letters was written with periods in-between each letter. It was driving Salazar up the wall.

Summoning a quill filled with ink, Salazar scribbled on the back of the scroll:

I BLOODY HATE YOU.

He tossed the scroll at the ridiculously over-decorated lions. The lions and scroll disappeared with a pop, most likely back to Gryffindor. Or perhaps it ended up in a random corridor, and in that case Godric would have to find them himself.

Almost immediately, Salazar spotted Godric's first prank.

His chandelier serpent was gone.

"GODRIC, I WILL KILL YOU!" Was heard throughout the halls of the currently unnamed school.

-Back at Godric's room-

He heard an unidentifiable scream coming from the generable direction of the dungeon. Finally, he thought. He had been wondering how long it would take Salazar to notice the stupid serpent was gone. The serpent itself was current sitting on his drawer. To be honest with himself, he was quite proud of his handy work. He decided, a few minutes after the scream, he concluded that Salazar had cooled down. He peeked outside his door, making sure no pranks were set and with his wand out, left to get food from the kitchen.

Once he got to the portrait with the bowl of fruit, he realized something. Helga had never told him what to do to get inside the kitchen. Probably her idea of a clever prank. He rolled his eyes. Waving his hand, he tried to summon his two lion statues.

Nothing happened.

Frowning, Godric tried again. Once again, nothing happened.

"Bloody -" he tripped on something. He looked down to find a snarling badger at his feet.

"AH!" he jumped back, before realizing the badger was actually a statue. It had a scroll in its mouth. He leaned down and plucked the scroll out of the badger's jaws and snatched his hand back, as if the badger might bite him if he left his hand there any longer.

He unrolled the scroll, beginning to read its contents:

Hungry?

Love,

Helga

"HELGA, I SWEAR, YOU ARE LIKE A SALAZAR IN DISGUISE!" Godric yelled. He thought he heard a giggle. He marched towards the sound and kicked the badger statue and making it topple over.

Something bit his leg. He screamed like a little girl and hopped around on one foot, until whatever was clamping down on his leg finally released him. He stopped screaming and looked down. Staring mutinously at him was a real, live badger.

"What in Merlin's underpants?" Godric asked, forgetting to run. The badger lunged at him.

"HELGA! YOU! ARE! EVIL!" He yelled as he jumped around like a madman. "EVIL, I SAY! PURE! EVIL!"

Then, suddenly, he realized it.

"SALAZAR! HOW DARE YOU! HELGA, GET HIM! HE ABUSED YOUR SACRED ANIMAL!" Godric began screeching. Two figures stepped out of the shadows.

"WHAT?!" Godric froze, in shock. "You two? Both of you? Working together?"

"Perhaps," Salazar shrugged with a smirk on his face. "Come, Helga, let us leave the imbecile and his pet to it." He took her arm and led her away. Helga was giggling. GIGGLING.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?!" Godric screamed to no one. And in return, no one replied.

-Rowena's room-

"What do you want?" Rowena huffed impatiently, "I have important things to do."

"I need to prank Salazar." Godric said.

"What do you mean by 'prank'?" Rowena asked, interested by the idea of messing with Salazar. Or the idea with messing with someone in general.

Godric thought for a moment. "I mean like, scare him and annoy him." He finally says.

"I know what prank means." Rowena said, annoyed by Godric's obvious stupidity.

"Well, I need a prank to up his previous prank."

"His previous prank?"

"Yeah. He and Helga teamed up and made a bloody badger chase after me." Godric said. Didn't Rowena know about this?

"Let me think." Rowena said, noting to ask Salazar about this prank war.

"Are you done yet?" Godric asked five seconds later.

"No, I am not," Rowena snapped, stalking out of her office. "I think I'll need...oh, maybe twenty-four hours?" she called over her shoulder, her dark curls swishing out of the room behind her.

"HOW LONG IS THAT?" Godric yelled in despair.

An hour later, in Salazar's Office - a.k.a. the Chamber of Secrets...

"So what do you propose again?" Rowena asked. She, Helga, and Salazar were sitting, crisscross-applesauce, in a circle.

"I propose," Salazar repeated, "That we team up against Godric."

"Think of the benefits," Helga piped up.

"It does have benefits..." Rowena thought for a minute before smirking. "I accept."

The three shook hands. A sliver of silver, bronze, and black smoke swirled up from their clasped hands, entwining and solidifying into a rope. Helga released her hand from Rowena and Salazar's grasp and gently took hold of the five-inch rope.

"This signifies our agreement," Helga said, holding up the rope with reverence. "Should this rope be torn or split, the contract is broken."

Rowena eyed the rope. "So would Godric be able to tear it?"

"Yes," Helga frowned. "Unfortunately."

"So, we hide it," Salazar voiced.

"Where?" Rowena asked.

"You know this place the best, how about you hide it?" Salazar asked, handing the rope to Rowena.

"Sure, I'll hide it." She said, planning out how she could trick both sides. "If it gets ripped, will anyone know?"

Salazar thought for a few seconds before saying, "No, probably not. We need to check on it regularly."

"Oh," Rowena said, disappointed. She covered it up quickly.

Helga bit her lip, peeking at Rowena and Salazar surreptitiously. When the two weren't looking, she'd put a tracking and alarm spell on the rope. She'd know exactly where it was at any time, and would be alerted immediately if anything happened to it.

Salazar watched his companions closely. It seemed that Rowena had been planning to betray them, and Helga had already done something to stop that from happening.

A good day for emotion-reading, he thought, amused. He, of course, had already planned to take precautions, should the worst occur.

"So, shall I hide it?" Rowena asked hopefully. Perhaps she could duplicate the rope. For now, she would simply protect the rope from any tracking enchantments the others might come up with.

"Of course," Salazar said graciously. "But first, I would like to hold it."

"Oh - certainly," Rowena said, disconcerted. She hesitantly laid the small rope on his outstretched hands.

"This reminds me," Salazar said, a good five seconds later, "Of something." Rowena gulped and eyed Salazar nervously. Salazar smiled contentedly, only serving to further her nerves.

What a lovely day to unnerve the only inhabitants of this castle, Salazar thought. Perhaps it is a lovely day for everything. Even bringing out that...hideous thing.

Salazar stood up leisurely, taking great care to make eye contact with Helga; a tilt of her head was the only indication that she understood his silent message. Her fingers twitched slightly, letting him know that she had already put enchantments on the rope.

Ah, but this will just make it better, Salazar thought delightedly. He did love a good backstabbing, however small. Loopholes were fun to exploit.

He stalked over to his office cabinets, hissing in Parseltongue and opening the center drawer. Quickly, he duplicated the rope and placed the real one in the drawer. Then, reaching into the depths of the drawer, and with two fingers pulled out the...the thing.

"Looks a bit like our friendship bracelets from Godric, doesn't it?" Salazar held up the vile object, using his other hand to close the drawer. The bracelet and rope had nothing in common, save for sporting the favored colors of the four friends. However, the bracelet, instead of being colored in the more neutral colors of their choice, was colored in red, green, blue, and yellow. Essentially it was four different colored strings entwined around one another with magic and protective enchantments, making it an amulet of sorts.

Of course Godric, the softie, had declared it a sign of their true friendship and had told them to wear it at all times, for it held a special magical bond beyond comprehension, or whatever he'd said in that speech of his. Salazar, in a fit of childishness, had thrown the bracelet in the deep, dark depths of his most secure cabinet drawer. Now, he'd finally get to use it for something actually useful.

Rowena let out an inaudible sigh of relief as Salazar stood up and walked back to his seat on the floor. He handed the fake rope to Rowena and winked at Helga when Rowena turned the other way. Helga stifled a giggle.

"Look, it has the colors we favor," Salazar pointed out pointedly. "All except Godric's. Such a shame, that." He shook his head sadly.

Helga narrowed her eyes at him. "Why aren't you wearing it? Godric told us to wear it." She pulled back the sleeve of her robes to reveal an identical bracelet.

"Oh, honestly, who would wear such a childish thing?" Rowena scoffed.

"Exactly," Salazar pointed out. Good, good, he would take some suspicion off of his back. That would make it harder for Rowena to trace the real rope back to him.

Thinking about it gave him another brilliant idea.

"So, Rowena," he said quickly, before Helga could stop glowering and start ranting. "Will you hide the rope, or shall I?"

"Oh, I will," Rowena asserted, but Salazar caught the slight rush of her words. She was in a hurry to do this, before he and Helga thought of something.

"I've just had a brilliant idea," Helga volunteered, after a moment of staring at the rope. "Why don't we each put protection on the rope, to stop Godric from tearing the rope?"

Rowena hesitated. "I'm not sure..."

"That is a brilliant idea!" Salazar exclaimed. "But only protection, if we put tracking spells or alarm spells on it, they would be easily noticeable, should Godric decide to check for enchantments on the rope." Helga nodded vigorously, not making eye contact with Salazar for fear of bursting into laughter.

He neglected to mention that all of them knew tracking and alarm spells that were hard to detect. Rowena, of course, was happy to let them remain oblivious.

"I'll go first," Helga took the rope from Rowena's hands and, pulling her wand from her robes, mouthed a nonverbal spell. Instead of a jet of light, a swirl of mist twirled around the rope, settling into its coils and disappearing.

"What did you do?" Rowena asked, just barely stopping an accusatory tone from coming out of her mouth. It wouldn't do to let them see her anxiousness. Not at all.

"I strengthened the coils," Helga said innocently. "They're now so strong they can only be cut with a spell, and if it comes to it we can use a Priori Incantatem to figure out who did the deed."

Rowena nodded, cautiously. No worries, she knew ways around that.

"I'll go next," Rowena volunteered, calmly taking the rope from Helga's hands and whispering a few incantations, swirling her wand in intricate patterns. Her wand traced bronze arcs in the air, shattering like glass and falling onto the rope with her final jab. She'd just used a charm of her own creation (and that she'd just made up on the spot, by combining a few handy-dandy spells she knew) that would only allow her and her alone to tear the rope, should it come to that. That way, none of the others could break the contract to side with Godric before she did.

"What did you do, Rowena?" Salazar asked innocently. Everyone seemed to be acting innocent these days.

"Oh, me? I just put a little protective layer over the rope. It should make the rope slippery and wriggly and hard to keep in one place, so anyone trying to tear the rope, manually or magically, will have a hard time keeping it still." Rowena said innocently. Innocence was trending, it said so in her Teen Girl magazines.

Salazar took aim at the rope, and shot a jet of white-silver at it. The rope glowed for a moment, before fading back to normal.

"So what was that?" Helga asked innocently, not to be outdone in the innocence department. She too had read Teen Girl magazine's latest issue and she was always on top of all the trends. That pesky Rowena wouldn't get in her way.

Salazar, too, had read the latest issue of Teen Girl magazine. Actually, he'd archived all the issues of Teen Girl magazine and binge-read them every month for his Monthly Magazine Marathon.

So, to show the other two how good he was a keeping up with trends, he replied innocently, "Me? I gave the rope extreme resilience. Only the strongest spells can tear the rope now."

"Alright, now that that's done," Rowena said quickly, snatching up the rope, "I'll go hide this." she hurried out of the room.

Salazar and Helga sat there for a moment before bursting into laughter.

"Her - face -" Helga could hardly breathe. She started getting an asthma attack, so Salazar gave her some aspirin, an arm sling, and a helicopter he'd specially preserved from the future.

"What spell did you use?" Salazar asked after they settled down. Helicopters make a lot of noise, and unfortunately the usage of them ends in the demolished state of half of Hogwarts.

Helga leaned closer. "I noticed a magical aura on the real rope - and yes, I know the one Rowena took away is a fake, I'm explaining how I know right now - and I realized that there was no magical aura on the fake rope. So I created one, because I'm sure Rowena knows some excellent aura-detecting spells."

"Funny, I did something similar," Salazar smiled, leaning back on his cabinet. "You know how Rowena feels this tingle in magical things that she touches, if she concentrates?"

Helga raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, right, you were in the Kitchens when this happened," Salazar waved a hand. "I'll explain how we found out later. Anyways, I know eventually Rowena will check for that magical tingle, so I added a faint magical buzz. Nothing too complicated, just a simple thing that I had to make sure was remedied."

"I think we've done it." Helga cheered. She and Salazar high-fived. Teen Girl magazine told them to.

"Now, all we have left to do is leave the real rope in Godric's possession disguised as something he treasures..." Salazar trailed off, waiting for Helga to finish his thought process.

*ROWENA*

Rowena hurried out of the room, holding the rope tightly in her hands. Those two fools will never figure out what I'm up to, Rowena thought evilly. She laughed to herself because Teen Girl magazine said to do that, but then quickly shut up to avoid getting heard by anyone. As she turned the corner, Godric came into the open.

"Hey, Rowena. Have you thought of that prank yet?" He asked.

"Yes, I have actually." Rowena smiled innocently, hiding the rope in her pocket with a shrinking spell. "I think Helga and Salazar may make a pact to team up. It's something Helga would love to do."

"Wonderful, how will we find this pact?" Godric asked in an innocent voice. His New Year's resolution was to think less about himself and think more about others, but he would forfeit that resolution to prove to Rowena that he too was amazing like what the Teen Girl magazines said.

"We should search for all of one object." Rowena had thought this all out. She would hide the rope, show the hiding spot to Godric because that would make her look smarter, and he could break it. And nobody would suspect Rowena.

"Great, let me get my scarf." Godric smiled, he was up to date with the Teen Girl magazine and scarves were in while boots were now out. Though Godric never said, he had hinted Rowena about the atrocious boots she was wearing.

As soon as Godric left, Rowena ran the opposite direction towards the giant lion statue at the front of the school. She could just stick the rope in the lion's mouth. It would be easy for her to find, and she'd look like more of a genius because she thought of it being in a lion statue's mouth.

She cackled to herself, and then stopped because Teen Girl magazine said that 'cackling is an opening to the demons of one's soul, and innocence cannot be encouraged in the presence of demons'.

She sighed. Teen Girl was so deep. Oh, how she wished she could get all the issues in advance!

That was it! She realized. Her next prank! On all of them! She'd somehow get her hands on the Teen Girl magazines before the rest of them. They'd be so jealous...

She grinned evilly. Teen Girl never said anything about grinning evilly, even if they did talk about the detrimental effect of smiling evilly.

She got to the lion and quickly shoved the rope inside, and then hurried back into the castle. On the way back to the spot she'd left, she bumped right into Godric.

"What were you doing out there?" he asked.

"Er - oh - I found something suspicious!" Rowena panted. She led him back to the lion and stuck her arm in its mouth.

It clamped down on her arm.

*HELGA AND SALAZAR*

"And she's off." Helga commented, once they finished their laughing spree.

"Where do you think she'll hide it?" Salazar thought out loud.

Helga, who had already gotten this answer before Rowena left, quickly said, "Somewhere Godric would look. And you know what that means." Salazar smiled evilly. Though Teen Girl magazine never said anything about evil smiles, Salazar knew that it surely would come up at some point. After all, he was a trend setter.

"In the mouth of the lion." They said in unison. Then they burst out laughing because, as usual, Teen Girl magazine said to.

*Meanwhile...*

Rowena screamed her head off. Godric stood there, mouth gaping.

"Don't just stand there, do something!" Rowena screeched at the top of her lungs.

Godric laid a hand on the lion. The lion froze. Rowena immediately yanked her hand from its jaws.

Rowena frowned, she didn't charm the lion. "You should get it." She quickly said. Godric puffed out his chest like this was the most important thing that anyone has ever told him to do. It probably was, Rowena thought. Godric stuck his hand in the lion's mouth and pulled out a rope. He smiled.

"I FOUND IT." He screamed in joy. "I found it all by myself." Godric ran away, pushing Rowena to the side. He ran all the way back to his tower and quickly used the cutting spell. The rope broke into two pieces.

"That was easy." Godric muttered out loud. He decided, after a while, that the only reason the rope snapped in half that easily was because he was the most powerful wizard of all time.

"I AM THE MOST POWERFUL WIZARD OF ALL TI -" Godric cut himself off. What in the world had HAPPENED while he was gone?

In front of him, half of Hogwarts stood tall. The other half lay demolished on the ground, with a helicopter sitting in the middle of the ruins.

"WHAT IS THIS?" Godric yelled. His precious tower! They'd ruined his precious tower! Of all the places -

"Oh, they're getting it this time," Godric muttered murderously, already storming towards the half of Hogwarts still standing. "First my lions, now my TOWER? Did they think they'd get away with THAT?!"

*HELGA, SALAZAR AND ROWENA*

"He found the rope!" Rowena burst into the room, with her entire entrance planned intricately in her head. When Helga and Salazar didn't reply, she decided to go with plan B. "This is a serious matter; we need a new binding spell. Or we need to pull a prank on him to even it out." Rowena explained.

"Of course," Helga said, suddenly finding the carpet extremely interesting.

"Naturally," Salazar stepped in smoothly. "And for your brilliant assessment of our choices, I say we give you the responsibility of this prank. What do you say, Helga?"

"That sounds like a brilliant idea!" Helga grinned cheekily. "Of course, it wouldn't hurt to have another of us go along, so how about it, Salazar?"

Salazar narrowed his eyes. Was she setting him up? Helga met his gaze and raised an eyebrow. Immediately, Salazar understood.

Of course Helga would think of this, Salazar thought. Get the blame off my back, where it probably is at the moment.

"Certainly," Salazar agreed. "Just a moment, I'll be out in a second." He stood up and walked towards his cabinets, taking great care to give a significant look to Helga. She gave him an almost imperceptible nod in return.

"Rowena, why don't we think of a plan together?" Helga stood up, casually taking long strides towards Rowena, who was straining to see what Salazar was doing. Helga gently nudged her outside the office, babbling on about lions and tickling.

Salazar quickly opened his center drawer and retrieved the real contract rope. He quickly duplicated it, and dropped the real one back into the drawer. He shut the drawer and hurried over to the couch on the other side of the room, stuffing the rope under a pillow.

Now, how to let Helga know where it is...

Salazar grimaced, before hurrying back over to the floor, where he and Helga had been sitting, to pick up the friendship bracelet. He placed the bracelet over the pillow hiding the rope. There, surely Helga would understand his intentions.

"Isn't it a great idea?" Helga beamed as she hurried back in with Rowena in tow. Salazar leaped back from the couch and began heading towards the doorway.

"Come now, Rowena, tell me of this new prank idea as we go and prepare it," Salazar took her arm and pulled her away from his office once again, tossing a look over his shoulder at Helga.

"What was that?" Rowena demanded. "Why are you keeping me away from your office?"

"Were we?" Salazar asked. "I simply thought you wanted to hurry with this prank. Is that not so?"

"I - no, of course I want to do this," Rowena stumbled over her words. "I just thought you would be more welcoming."

"My sincerest apologies," Salazar said, crossing his fingers behind his back. He was sure that would be a trend in Teen Girl magazine eventually. "Helga just cannot hold her ideas in, unlike us refined creatures." An insult against Helga should throw her off.

"Oh, yes," Rowena said enthusiastically. "Us more...brainier people can stand to hold a thought in our heads. Helga, the poor dear, hasn't got that kind of brain power."

Salazar bit his tongue to prevent him from lashing out at that statement. "Agreed," he said with gritted teeth. As they walked further and further away from Helga, Rowena babbled on and on about how she had this brilliant idea to break down Godric's tower.

"He stole the rope. I don't know how he broke it but he did," Rowena wasn't lying. She truly didn't know how the rope broke. It had been ages since the last time her spells malfunctioned. "We need to destroy his tower. I know a few, well maybe more than a few, spells that would work perfectly! We need to hurry. He will be getting to the tower any minute!" Rowena looked at Salazar for his reaction, crossing her fingers. She had seen Salazar do it and that probably meant it was in the Teen Girl Magazine.

Salazar, who hadn't been listening too closely to Rowena, quickly replied. "Of course we should do that. Your plan probably is the best." While Rowena had been speaking, Salazar had been planning. He had an idea. It wouldn't hurt to ally with the most unlikely of people, if only for a few moments, would it?

"Perfect!" Rowena exclaimed next to him. "I'll go do that and you can see where Godric is to distract him."

"Where is he?" Salazar asked. Rowena had already left.

Salazar sighed. Looking for things instead of making others do it for you was SO out of style. He grumbled about making sure that nobody saw him actually doing something. He walked out of his chamber trying to make sure his path never crossed with Rowena. There was recently a loud noise near where Godric's tower laid and as inept as Godric was, he knew Godric had to be alive. "Godric?" he hissed quietly. The dunderhead was probably trying to sleep in one of the suits of armor in the Gryffindor Tower. Last time he'd eaten too much food and fell asleep inside a lion statue's head. Salazar wasn't even sure how he'd gotten there. He ended up in front of the Great Hall where Godric laid across the entire table sleeping. That was a new one.

Salazar took out his wand and poked Godric with it, hissing, "You'd better be glad that the entire school's off on holiday break; if they'd seen you like this, your House would be a laughingstock!" Godric jumped up off the table. For a second, Salazar thought the threat had worked but Godric held his side in pain.

"Don't poke there!" Godric grumbled and hobbled to another table before falling back to sleep.

"Look, we don't have a lot of time. Rowena and Helga are busy, this is our only chance to surprise them by working together for one moment," Salazar rushed out. "We won't tell them, and they'd never expect it." Godric lifted his head and stared at Salazar. Then, unexpectedly, he rolled off the table and onto the floor.

"You're working with Rowena?" He asked. Salazar wondered if Teen Girl magazine said anything about facepalming more than four times a day.

"What are you, an idiot? Did you really think Rowena would stick with someone as idiotic as you?"

Godric gasped at the insult. "I'm not an idiot. I have read every single Teen Girl Magazine imagined!" Godric got off the table. "She isn't going to get away with thinking I'm an idiot. Let's go!" All was going well. Now all he had to do was direct the prank away from Helga and towards Rowena, which would be easy since Godric was furious at Rowena already.

*ROWENA*

Rowena stalked down the hallway, looking for traces that Godric had been there. There was a loud clatter at the great hall along with some voices. Rowena slowly tiptoed over. "THIS LION WILL BE PERFECT!" She heard Godric shout, obviously not trying to be subtle in the least.

"Too obvious," Salazar's 'I'm-SO-Bored, Are There Any Teen Girl Magazines Lying Around?' voice. Rowena stifled a gasp. That traitorous slimy snake, she thought to herself. She would have to be sneaky. Like the wind. And plan her vengeance.

Like the WIND.

"Oh, hey Rowena!" Helga said quite loudly. She smiled and waved from the other side of the banister. "What are you up to?" Rowena resisted the urge to scream at Helga. She heard Godric and Salazar go silent.

"Whant too hang ouuuuut?" Helga said loudly.

Rowena stomped away angrily.

"OHHH, mayyybee nexxxt timeeeee!" Helga shouted after her.

*SALAZAR AND GODRIC*

"Rowena." Salazar hissed. "Silent." Godric shut up, for once, and waited until Helga finished driving Rowena away.

"SO WHAT DO YO - " Godric began, but was cut off from the door crashing open. Helga was fuming.

"So THIS is what happens! You all just TEAM AGAINST US!" Helga screeched. She was so scary that for a moment Salazar had a hard time figuring out if it was all for show or if she meant it. "What did I do to you? THIS is not what FRIENDS do!" Helga pointed out her friendship bracelet.

"I wasn't working behind your back." Salazar tried to explain.

"SHUT the HELL UP!" Helga screamed. Salazar stumbled back. Helga rarely swore. Actually, none of them swore all that much. Now it was really confusing whether she was serious or not. Godric seemed to not notice Helga's outburst. He turned to her and smiled, then lifted his arm to show a friendship bracelet. "Friends 'till the very end, through life and beyond," he quoted. Probably from that despicable speech of his. Helga seemed to calm down. She glared at Salazar.

"Don't ever betray your team." She said.

"For you are bound, more than you understand," Godric said proudly. Helga nodded.

"'Cause the grass ain't always green on the other side, it's green where you water it - " Godric began rapping.

Salazar groaned. "Godric, stop rapping."

"And I know that we got issues baby, true true tru - "

"Oh my Merlin, Godric," Helga rolled her eyes. "If you don't stop that right now, I will personally feed my friendship bracelet to my badgers. And let me tell you, they are quite good at digesting." Godric stopped and looked at Helga with wide eyes.

"You wouldn't." He whispered.

"I would." Godric started to tear up and ran out of the Great Hall.

"That was harder than I thought it would be," she admitted. Salazar raised an eyebrow.

"I'm surprised you went through with the plan." He said surprised. "It was only for emergencies. Was this an emergency?"

"Yes," Helga said flatly. "You were standing next to Godric. As a civilized person. For more than five seconds."

Salazar nodded in agreement. "True."

"Yes." Helga nodded. They stood in silence for a moment. "How should we prank Rowena next?" She asked, breaking the awkward silence.

"Wasn't she here a second ago?"

"More like ten minutes ago." Helga corrected. "And yeah. She was plotting against us with Godric."

"She could still be here..." Salazar peeked out of the Great Hall.

*ROWENA*

Rowena sat at the entrance of the Great Hall in a nook where nobody could see her.

"Hehehehehehehehehhehe..." Rowena giggled. No one would find her here...

"Is that you Rowena?" Rowena quickly disguised herself with a spell. She looked down to see Helga staring confused at the now empty spot.

"I could have sworn I heard Rowena..." Helga muttered anxiously. She looked at the nook she had often sat in. Nobody could see her from there. Helga smiled and walked towards the nook. "I'll just wait for Rowena in the invisible nook." She said.

"Take your time," Salazar waved a hand. "I'll be in the kitchens, getting something to eat from the house-elves." He leisurely walked out of the Great Hall. Helga smiled and jumped up to reach the nook. Then she heard a scream that sounded oddly like Rowena. Suddenly, Rowena appeared, sitting in the invisible nook.

"Uh - Godric! Why did you do that?!" Rowena yelled, panicking. Helga turned around to look for Godric but he was nowhere to be seen. She turned back to the nook to find Rowena gone.

"I suppose of I was hallucinating," Helga shrugged. She hardly cared. Rowena slipped out of the nook as Helga walked away. Slipping into a random dark corridor, she made herself visible again and walked down the hall trying to find her way back to her room. She tripped over something and fell. She looked behind her to find an innocent-looking fire extinguisher. The fire extinguisher rolled down the hall and hit a wall. There was a loud clanging noise.

"JEEP GOES BEEP-BEEP! HONK!"

Rowena shook her head rapidly. Was she imagining voices in her head again? Perhaps she should see a Healer and get tested.

No, that's bad for my reputation, she thought. She decided to go to the library for more information.

"The hearing of voices in the mind is what is only known as intelligence," Rowena read out loud. She was reading the book 'The Heart of the Mind' by Stafun J. Bajalao. It was a fascinating book about the conditions of the mind and what it may indicate. The book had won the most inaccurate book of the century award. It was a prestigious award that only the best of books won. Rowena had conducted researched about the award.

Rowena proudly stood up once she realized the voices in her head meant she was intelligent. She decided to brag to Godric, Salazar and Helga about it. She ran through the halls with her arms out wide, screaming, "WHEEEEE!"

*SALAZAR*

Salazar was sitting by himself in the Great Hall when he heard Rowena scream. It didn't sound important or a scream of terror but Salazar decided to investigate anyway. He got up and snuck down the hall towards the sound.

"What are you DOING?" Salazar shouted, cowering against a wall. "I SWEAR YOU ALL ARE BECOMING MORE INSANE BY THE SECOND!"

"WHEEEEEE!" Rowena screamed, before she crashed into him. "I'm smart!" She declared loudly. Salazar groaned.

"Get off me you great oaf," He yelled.

"...Did you just call me fat?" Rowena asked him, eyes flashing.

Salazar saw the opportunity to get back at Rowena for working behind his back. "Yes I did," Salazar taunted. "You will never be a teen girl magazine model." Rowena burst into tears.

"How could you?" she cried. Salazar felt a twinge of guilt but he knew this was worth it.

"Never! You will never be in the Teen Girl Magazine!" Salazar bellowed.

"Um, what's going on here?" Someone said behind Salazar. He whirled around to see Helga.

"Helga, I CAN BE A TEEN GIRL MODEL!" Rowena shouted in anguish. "TELL ME I CAN!"

"Erm, you can be a teen girl model?" Helga said, confused.

Salazar groaned, "Why Helga? Why?"

"What did I do?" Helga asked, staring at the two half-crying, half-smiling Hogwarts founders that were in front of her. "What did I do?" she repeated loudly. Salazar ran away. Rowena beamed at her.

"I knew I could trust you to help me," She said, patting Helga on the back. Helga backed away from Rowena.

"I still don't know what I did!"

"Sweetie, Salazar is gone, you can stop now," Rowena told her.

Helga seemed very distressed. "What did I do? Did I offend someone? Get away from me!" She cried out loud.

"Are you seeing things?" Rowena asked, concerned. "It says in my book that seeing things is a sign of superior title. I don't think that sounds quite right for you." Helga glared at Rowena.

"Are you serious?" She screeched something she rarely did. "Are you bloody serious? You know what? We're not a team anymore." And with that, Helga ran out of the Great Hall. Rowena stared at the entrance of the hall confused.

"We were a team?" she asked herself. Then she shook her head. What a silly thought, of course they were never on a team together. Helga was joking.

*HELGA*

As Helga ran away from the Great Hall, she felt all the portraits staring at her, disappointed.

"Losing her temper. Expected better from her," one said.

"Breaking a friendship? Why would she do that?" another noted.

"Shut up or I'll remove you," Helga ordered. The portraits shut up. What was wrong with her? She was never this rude. It made her feel terrible yet happy for some unknown reason.

"Madame Hufflepuffle," said a stuffy-sounding statue.

"HUFFLEPUFF, YOU INSIGNIFICANT BUTTERSQUASH!" Helga shouted at it. The statue shut its stone mouth. Helga sighed and walked to her room in peace. She could feel the portraits judging her.

"We'll see who's being judged at Gryffindor's Teatime Trial tomorrow!" she called to them. They looked away.

Every two weeks, Gryffindor hosted a Teatime Trial; any conflict was to be brought up and matters would be resolved in a timely and tea-filled manner. Typically Salazar and Rowena skipped out saying there were no conflicts, but Helga felt they might all come this week.

*Teatime Trials*

Godric was happy. He had showed up to the Teatime Trial to find all of the houses there.

"Well, this is a first," He commented cheerfully. "Who would like to begin?"

All three of them stuck their wands in the air and sparks shot out of them.

"Let's see...Helga can go first, since she always attends," Godric said kindly. Salazar huffed. Rowena glared at Godric.

"Um, well," Helga stuttered. Salazar snickered. Helga gave the barest hint of a smirk and then burst into tears.

"S-Salazar h-he was MEAN," she sobbed. Godric threw a glare at Salazar.

"Salazar, would you like to explain," Godric said threateningly. Salazar suddenly looked terrified.

"I-I didn't mean to, to make her cry," he stammered. "Rowena was working behind our back and I was trying to defend us!"

"WHAT?" Rowena squawked. "I was not!" The Great Hall filled with accusations and curses.

"EVERYBODY DO THE FLOP!" someone yelled. Everyone in the hall immediately dropped down to the ground.

"Is this an emergency?" Rowena whispered, glancing up at the ceiling. Salazar got up, dusting himself off.

"Who screamed that?" He muttered.

"AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOO!" Godric screeched, pointing at the ceiling. Moments later, a giant grand piano came crashing down onto Salazar's head.

Moments later, all four founders were in the infirmary.

"None of us can move," Rowena groaned. "Who's going to heal us?"

"Well, the house-elves got us here, they can just - " Salazar began.

"I KNOW!" Godric interrupted loudly. "Let's call the Healer Hotline!"

"Excuse me?" Helga attempted to squint at him. It hurt, so she stopped.

"Healer Hotline," Godric repeated. "You send a patronus and they'll send a healer over."

"And how do you suppose we'll manage to cast a Patronus?" Salazar asked sarcastically.

"Expecto patronum!" Godric said 'helpfully.'

Salazar tried to facepalm, but he couldn't really move.

"We could always ask the house-elves to do it," Helga suggested.

Rowena laughed, "The house-elves? What can they do?"

"A lot," Salazar said. "They can give breakfast in bed, foot massages, tuck you in bed..." Rowena turned, or tried to turn, away.

"I don't care. I'm not having the house-elf cure me. I don't trust them." Helga laughed.

"They cook for you," she chuckled.

"What?!" Rowena shrieked, then winced at the strain. She made fake throwing up gestures.

"How did you not know this?" Salazar asked.

"I'm SORRY I decided to trust Helga for once by letting her figure out the Kitchens." Rowena glared.

Helga looked offended. "I told you about the house elves before. You weren't listening? I thought we were friends."

"Oh please," Rowena said snobbishly. "You have the most boring conversations. Why would I listen to you?"

"As soon as we get out of this situation, I will MURDER you," Helga hissed.

Rowena laughed.

"_I have powers beyond your comprehension_," Helga growled, her eyes glinting red.

"Ooookay, that's enough of the real life soap opera for today guys," Salazar interrupted.

Helga glared at Salazar, something very out of character for her.

"When did you suddenly become scary?" Godric asked, cowering in the corner.

"Teen Girl magazine taught me," Helga said haughtily.

"Which one? There was a new episode?" Salazar asked hastily. "Not that I want to read it. I have a friend that's really into the magazine." He felt his face go bright red. From where he was sitting, he could see Rowena laughing.

"Lalabutterfly?" Godric asked. Everyone stared at him until a they heard a 'pop'.

"Master is calling Lalabutterfly?" The house-elf that had just appeared walked around in circles, asking the same question over and over again. Rowena screeched.

"GET IT OUT OF HERE!" she yelled.

"Lalabutterfly, please heal me," Godric said sweetly.

"Yes sir," The elf replied automatically.

"I as well," Helga added. The elf bowed to Helga and hurried to Godric's bedside. With a snap of the elf's fingers, Godric was healed. The elf walked over to Helga and repeated the task. Helga sat up, smiling.

"Thank you, Lalabutterfly."

"Heal me, Helga," Rowena commanded. Salazar rolled his eyes.

"NO!" Rowena shrieked. "GET AWAY FROM ME!"

Helga rolled her eyes. "Nonsense, Lalaburterfly is an amazing healer."

"I refuse to let - " Rowena's protest was interrupted by Lalabutterfly. Rowena screamed.

"STOP HEALING ME!" Lalabutterfly immediately stepped back.

"I'm sorry miss. Did I do something wrong?"

"YES. YES YOU DID!"

"Lalabutterfly," Godric said calmly. "As I am your master, obey me and heal both Rowena and Salazar, regardless of their objections."

Salazar shrugged, and then winced in pain from his bed. "Hey, I never had any objections. It was all Rowena."

"You never know," Helga commented. "Godric, Lalabutterfly will take care of this. Let's go."

They left, the sound of Rowena's screams ringing in their ears.