"You can have the sound of a thousand voices calling your name; you can have the light of the world blind you, bathe you in grace." The music hit Hongbin's ears with a heavy weight to them as he ducked into the car that was taking him and the other group members home. It had been a long day full of dance practices and a distracted mind. As dramatic as it may seem, Hongbin has steadily been finding himself falling into an existential crisis of sorts over the last few weeks. He wasn't normally one to question life, but when he did it always bothered him deeply.
"But I don't see so easily what you hold in your hands, 'cause castles crumble, kingdoms fall and turn into sand." The music continued to play as Hongbin took his seat in the back of the car, which was unlike him. He leaned his head against the window as Hakyeon took the seat beside him. With a sigh Hongbin took a glance at the other male but didn't say a word. He settled into his seat as the others piled in and the vehicle finally started towards home.
Hakyeon knew Hongbin well; better than the other members, and sometimes better than Hongbin knew himself. It didn't take the older male long to sense that something was off with the usually upbeat person sitting beside him. Risking the backlash, Hakyeon reached up and plucked one of the earphones out of Hongbin's ear and stuck it into his own. "You can be an angel of mercy or give in to hate; You can try to buy it just like it every other careless mistake.
How do you justify, I'm mystified by the ways of your heart;With a million lies the truth will rise to tear you apart." As he listened to the music, Hakyeon became more concerned. When he heard the words, he knew why Hongbin had been acting strange. He had only seen the younger be like this once before, and it troubled him.
Looking around and finding the other four distracted by their mobile devices, Hakyeon gently reached over and took hold of Hongbin's hand. It wasn't exactly a well known fact that the two of them were an item, mainly due to Hongbin's lesser known shy side. Hongbin gave a gentle squeeze to the elder's hand; a silent acknowledgement. The two sat in silence as the music played on.
"No one gets out alive, every day is do or die
The one thing you leave behind
Is how did you love, how did you love?
It's not what you believe those prayers will make you bleed
But while you're on your knees
How did you love, how did you love, how did you love?
Nothing ever feels the quite same when you are what you dreamed
And you will never look at anything the same when you see what I see
How we forget ourselves, lose our way from the cradle to the grave
You can't replicate or duplicate, gotta find your own way"
When the car pulled up to the dorms, Hongbin quickly stepped out and made his way inside, and to the room he shared with Hakyeon. He sat on the bed, dropping his belongings on the floor beside him. It wasn't long before the door opened and the older male walked into the room. "What's wrong, Kongie?" he asked, sitting beside Hongbin and placing his arm around him.
"I've just been thinking," Hongbin responded. "I just… feel as if I'm some… disposable toy, if that makes sense." He sighed and looked up to meet soft and caring eyes.. "How do you mean?" Hakyeon asked. Hongbin stood up with a sigh, turning to face his lover. "What I mean, is I feel like… I'm just marketed as a commodity… a novelty. I mean sure, we're popular, but popularity fades. Eventually, nobody gives a rat's ass anymore. We're… temporary. Not to mention supply and demand… what people want constantly changes. And the moment I don't fit the mold anymore, I'm useless. Oh, age is a factor, too. Am I old? No, but this industry kind of requires me to be young forever. What happens when my time runs out; when my number is up?"
Placing his hands on top of his head, he began pacing a bit. "I understand," Hakyeon spoke tenderly. "I've thought the same thing, Kong. But you can't let the 'what if' control you. What matters is what's happening right now." His words were meant to console, but all they did was fire Hongbin up more. "And what?" the younger male asked. "Be surprised when the bottom falls out?" he stepped over to the window and opened it, leaning out for some fresh air.
"This life we lead… nothing makes me happier than knowing I've made an impact on our fans. Knowing that I've been able to brighten somebody else's day, even just a little bit means so much. But at the same time, it takes away a little part of me." Hongbin stopped speaking and rested his head on the frame of the window. He turned his head and looked at Hakyeon when he felt two protective arms wrap around him from behind. "I work so hard, and I fear that it's never enough. It has changed me…. Hell, I can't even have normal relationships anymore."
Hakyeon's brows furrowed together, a puzzled expression overtaking his face. "What are you talking about?" He was unable to hide the Confusion in his voice. Hongbin chuckled sourly, though he wasn't upset with Hakyeon. "I can hardly see my family anymore… I mean, I call and Skype and text them all the time, but it's not the same. I've drifted from my friends I had before because I'm so busy… you and the other members are almost all I have."
Hongbin turned around without breaking the embrace and rested his head on Hakyeon's shoulder. "And don't even get me started on dating… it all ends in disaster and disappointment. That's why I've wanted to keep us a secret… I'm afraid that if the world knew, we wouldn't have the little slice of normalcy that's left in our relationship…" The end of his sentence came with a broken voice and a tear sliding down his cheek. Immediately, Hakyeon reached up, wiping away the sadness that was attempting to stain Hongbin's cheeks. He placed a soft, loving kiss on the younger male's lips before looking at him with somber eyes.
"Hongbin, I know it's hard. Believe me, it hurts me, too, not being able to see my family and friends as much as I would like. As for holding down relationships, the only one I've ever wanted was you. I mean that. I don't care if they broadcast us clear to Saturn on a 24/7 stream. Nothing will ever come between us. I will always be here; I'll be that little piece of normal in your life." As Hakyeon offered a warm smile as he spoke, and more tears fell down Hongbin's cheeks. The elder wiped them away without a second thought.
Finally stepping away from Hakyeon, Hongbin found himself sitting back on the bed. Eventually, he looked up and spoke again. "My biggest question is... If I died today, who would actually care?" When he saw the other male's eyes widen, he shook his head. "Now don't go thinking I'm suicidal or anything, it's just food for thought. I mean seriously. If I was on a plane and the thing went down… who would really, truly, care?"
Hakyeon took in the words and stood still for a moment before stepping in front of Hongbin and kneeling down to eye level. "I would." He said firmly. "And so would the other four sitting in the living room right now. And your parents-" Hongbin cut him off before he could finish. "That's now what I mean. Those are obvious. And I know the fans would be sad. But how long would it last? I'd be forgotten in a year. Just another celebrity death to cross the news headlines for a couple of days. And then poof."
Shaking his head, Hakyeon cupped Hongbin's face. "You would never be forgotten. You've touched so many hearts; so many people love you. But you've spent all of your time making sure others were happy, you've forgotten about yourself. You have a spot for a heart that's three sizes too big, but you've gone and given it to other people so they didn't have to be sad. And that's what I love most about you." The pair locked eyes, a light, rosy shade of pink dusting Hongbin's cheeks.
"You spend your time giving happiness to the world. Your smile brightens an entire city block. You walk into a room and the mood instantly lifts. Hongbin, you are an amazing person. And I love you more and more each day because of that." Once again, words intended for comfort upset Hongbin further, and his inability to take a compliment began to rear it's ugly head. "That's just it, Hakyeon. I'm too nice. I'm nice at my own expense and for once I want to only care about me and what I want. But then I feel guilty-"
Hakyeon stopped Hongbin's words with a sudden kiss. It was fast and sloppy and full of so many emotions. Hongbin gasped in surprise but quickly let himself melt into the kiss, time at a stand-still. When Hakyeon broke the kiss, he had tears of his own in his eyes. "You know, it's not the fame or the fans or what our managers have us doing or whether or not you're 'good enough' that matters. None of that, not one bit, means anything." His words came quiet but strong. "What matters, is how did you love? Did you love freely, or were you shut off and reclusive, letting nobody in?"
The words fell on Hongbin's ears and he nodded. He laid down on his stomach, arms folded under his pillow with a sigh. "Don't let the public eye change who you are. Don't lose yourself." Hakyeon spoke as he took his place, sitting on the other side of the bed next to the man he called his. Reaching to the nightstand, he grabbed the jar of moisturizer before gently pushing Hongbin's shirt up, revealing his back.
After getting a dollop of the cream in the jar, Hakyeon began massaging the tension out of Hongbin's back. He always did this whenever his boyfriend was having a bad day, and today seemed to be especially so. Hongbin hummed quietly and happily when he felt his lovers hands rubbing across his back. Almost instantly he began to relax and it wasn't long before he was beginning to drift off to sleep. As his breathing slowed, he managed to utter a few more words. "Hakyeon?" The name came muffled from the pillow and slurred from sleepiness. "Yes?" the elder replied. "Thank you." The utterance was all the more he had energy for, and Hongbin was quickly fast asleep.
With a smile, Hakyeon fixed Hongbin's shirt before lying down next to him. He laid a protective arm over the younger male and pulled him close. "I love you, Lee Hongbin. Don't you ever forget that." He whispered the words into Hongbin's ear before placing a soft, lingering kiss on his cheek and falling asleep himself.
"This ain't no cross to bury
We are the judge and jury, we are the judge and jury
No one gets out alive, every day is do or die
The one thing you leave behind
Is how did you love, how did you love?
It's not what you believe those prayers will make you bleed
But while you're on your knees
How did you love?"