Title: Dark Days
Pairing: Monk/Stottlemeyer
Note: Still not mine.
"Hey Monk," I say coming through the door. I try to remain positive, but the machines beeping softly in the corner make it so damn hard. Carefully, I sit down in the only chair; my chair. Natalie tried to be here for you, but I've run her off. She called me touchy, possessive…and maybe I am. She was making me nervous.
She was throwing off the hard strived for perfection of this white room.
My attention gets caught by the slow, steady march of zigged lines across the monitor. That monitor…I need it to keep showing me your heartbeat.
Slowly, I scoot closer until my knees touch the perfectly made bed. Something crumples in me, and I want to collapse and break, but I can't. You need me. I have to be strong for you. I'm all you have left.
My fingers float slowly over the white blankets until my hand finds yours where it lays perfectly still next to your side. The nurse will have already come in bathed you, changed the dressing…and I'm not allowed here for that. After my first hysterical breakdown, watching them peel the bloodied clothes back from your skin, they ask me to leave.
For a brief second, I see, feel it all over again. I remember holding you in my arms, the sticky heat of your blood on my fingers, and those deeply terrified eyes staring up into mine. That question, "Leland…am I going to die?" I remember that question, the hurt it caused. I could see the tears in your eyes, the fear, feel it as you clutched at me, pressed as close as you could. I had wanted to cry then, even as I forced the fake smile, touched your clammy cheek, told you no. Then that harsh squeal of sirens, the EMTs shoving me away from you, those terrified eyes calling me, your hand reaching out for me.
I close my eyes, breathe deep, then rest my head on the mattress next to your supine form. "Adrian," I breathe out. My lips are trembling, numb. I need you. A soft change in the beeping makes me look up, the lines speeding up just barely. The doctors have all told me that I need to talk to you, let you know we haven't forgotten you. But the words that I want to say are so hard to say; they barb in my throat, even as my heart begs my tongue to move.
Looking at your face, I can see the peacefulness lingering there. I can't lose you without you knowing. I force my tongue to move.
"Adrian…" my thumb rubs the back of your hand, touching the soft skin. "Shit Adrian, I'm scared. I need you, don't you fucking quit on me." My eyes are burning, tears slipping from the corners softly like a breath. My jaw quivers. "You can't leave me." My fingers itch to brush my tears away, but I won't let myself.
Leaning forward, I rest my head against your dark hair, the coarse curls tickling my forehead. My lips brush against your ear, and I whisper those words into your ear, making sure you can hear them wherever you are. "I love you. I have for a while now. You…you're all I need, even if you are irritating and practically impossible." I squint my eyes shut tightly. "When I was holding you…fuck it was like Trudy all over again. Except this time, it was you in my arms, looking up at me with fear in your eyes. And it broke me. They wouldn't let me ride in the ambulance with you…nobody would tell me anything. I'm not family. How can I explain that I'm really just your boss, your closest friend…the person who loves you most in the world?"
I chuckle softly. "Good thing that badge got me in. It lets them bend the rules for me. Randy's taken over for now…so I can be here with you." I can smell the shampoo the nurse used on you, hear the soft rasp of your breathing. "They said you were lucky. Though I'm sure you wouldn't see it that way. Half an inch over and you woulda been back with Trudy…and I'd be falling apart."
My jaw quivers, and I have to force myself to keep talking. "I still remember that…watching you fall apart when she died. And I caught you. As you were learning to be human, well as human as you can be, all over again…I was learning so much about you. Can you imagine? I worked with you for 17 years, and I never cherished you like I should have. And there I was…" I make a choked sound in my throat, "falling in love with you as you were falling apart."
Briefly I remember that too. The lost, empty look on your face; the rapid weight loss; the dark circles under your sunken eyes. You were a man on the verge, someone who didn't want to be alone with yourself and suddenly found yourself in exactly that situation.
"Just like then, I'm here every day. I sit here, watch you breathe, hold your hand, and wait for you to wake up. To look at me with those pretty eyes like I'm all you need." I can feel the sticky wetness on my cheeks; I know it's on your skin too. But I can't stop them. My fingers clench against your hand, and I'm clinging to you.
"You're all I have left," I whisper brokenly, choking on the soft sobs in my throat, "I love you Adrian." And I feel you move, your head slipping away from mine. I can feel your fingers clenching back against mine, those rough digits grappling at mine as if I'm the only thing keeping you here. I can hear the steady beat of your heart, marching across the monitor's screen in a series of strong beeps.
And then I can hear your broken voice, the fear in it, "Leland…?"
In my chest, my heart lurches, and I'm crying more now. The tears are slipping down my face, and I press closer to you. "I'm here, Adrian."