Character List
Alice
Mad Hatter Jr.
Sapphira
Grey Dancer
Dark Monarch
Matrix Hatteress
Black Queen
White Queen
Dr. Stone
Duchess
Sir Ian Dottington
March Hare
Spade King
Carrie Hart
Cheshire Lion
Mad Zero
Mad Zero Deus
Bishop Franco Spade
X-Dodo
White Rabbit 3000
Caterpillar
Gloomy Firefly
Goth Alice
Negative Hatter
Tweedledee
Tweedledum
Melinda Esposito
May Seductress
April Fool
Autumn King
White Prince
The Polka Dot Boy
Skiing Crane
Aquatic Beagle
Chipper Skunk
Sexy Spade Periwinkle
Succubus/ Tammy Spade
Succubus/ Elsa Spade
Dormouse
Faithful Jerk
Reverso Adnilem
Hatteress's Mother
Hatterella
Patterned Lily
Stripped Daisy
Nesting Crow
Two-Toad
Owl of Spades
White Knight
White Princess
Black Queen's Liaison
Grey Archer
PART 1: Alice X
ACT 1: Enter the Pawns
SCENE 1: The Grey Garden
ARCHER: (Prodding an unconscious blonde with a sick) Hello? Wakey, wakey? Oy! Get up you lazy bugger!
CROW: (Squawking) I think she's dead!
LILY: (Smacking Crow with a bejeweled hand) Of course she's dead you nimrod! God, you'd think of all the birds the queen placed here it had to be the retarded one!
DAISY: (Twirling the ribbon: which covers her chest, rear and pelvis) Please don't tell me we have another stiff amongst us. One bitter Daffodil is enough!
ALICE: (Stirring) No… Dane! Mmm… Stop!
DAISY: (Flexing her Vein-y arms) Summon the Grey Dancer! He must see this peculiarly queer specimen… (Archer heads off) Crow please fetch a flask of water for this- this- thing! (Crow flies off towards the dismal patch of vegetables in the distance) Hello?
ALICE: (Slowly flutters her eyes open and is taken aback by the woman above her) What the fuck?! (She gets onto her knees and backs away quickly) Who are you people? Where am I?
LILY: (Approaches slowly still trying not to exacerbate the situation) Well I'm the Patterned Lily, this is my sister… well stepsister the Stripped Daisy, and this is Wonderland!
ALICE: (Looking around) This can't be Wonderland! This is too bleak, too- too grim, this is the opposite of Wonderland!
GREY DANCER: (Marches into the clearing, he is twice as tall as Alice is) So, this is the little weed that's popped up into my garden? (He grabs Alice by the cheeks) Pity! She's too pale to be a Daisy, too blue to be a Lily, too tall to be an Orchid, yet too small to be a Daffodil. Those are the only flowers that grow in my garden… maybe you're a neighboring animal or bird, only I've only seen Crows, Toads, Cranes, Skunks, Mice, Dogs, Cats, exetera (He pauses and looks at her hand which has a faint print upon it) A-ha! Ladies and Gentlemen, this here isn't your run of the mill stranger… this is the Alice of the legends. Once upon a time there was a girl who about one hundred and fifty years ago stopped the Queen of Hearts from turning Wonderland into a card game. Then fifty years later she overthrew the Red Queen before she could destroy Wonderland and turn it into a ruby-encrusted kingdom with not a lick of green to be found. Now she's returned to stop the impending war between the five feuding kingdoms as legend dictates.
ALICE: (Unsure of what to make of all of this) I- er… that was only fifteen years ago!
GREY DANCER: (Laughing uncontrollably) Hahahaha! Oh that's a good one Alice! (Alice doesn't find this humorous) You're serious? You do know for every five years in your world is equal to fifty years here.
ALICE: (She stands up) I'm sorry, I don't believe I know what you mean by "my world"? Isn't Wonderland on a tangent universal plain co-existing with Earth? Hatter told me that.
GREY DANCER: (Looks at Lily and Daisy) You hear that? Hatter's Dad has been feeding his hocus pocus on Wonderland to poor Alice here. (Lily and Daisy bust out into a fit of giggles)
ALICE: (Getting angry with this man) Who are you to mock someone on their beliefs? I have half a mind to tell Hatter and he'll rain down on you with facts to support- (The trio laughs harder) –his theory! (Alice punches the man in the crotch and he recoils)
GREY DANCER: (Grabbing her by the wrist, weezily) Hey! I won't stand for hitting. I could just turn you in to the Black Queen and have you tortured until you lose your mind.
ALICE: (Fiercely savage) I'm sorry for hitting you. Where's the Mad Hatter? I wish to see him now!
GREY DANCER: (Coyly twirling a silvery lock of hair) Haven't the foggiest! (Bending down to be at eye level with Alice) No one does. Since the Black Queen took over she sent out her assassins to kill off her predecessor's enemies. Mainly, the leaders of the resistance. The Mad Hatter and his family, the Duchess and her servant, as well as the May Seductress and her party. Hatter died over forty years ago, and now his son Mad Hatter Jr. has begun to follow in his footsteps.
ALICE: (Not showing any fear) Then will you take me to the new Hatter, please?
GREY DANCER: (Drawn up to full size again) Sorry, love! I would if I could; sadly, I haven't the slightest inkling as to his whereabouts either, but perhaps you may be able to help.
ALICE: (Looking up into his face) How?
GREY DANCER: (Looking down the row of decayed corn) The Crow's back.
CROW: (Landing, hand Alice the glass of murky liquid in the crystalline flask) Sorry, about that wait. I was talking to Archer.
ALICE: (Takes a sip modestly, but then spits it up) What the hell is this?!
CROW: (Taken aback by her rudeness) It's water!
ALICE: (Spilling the rest onto the ground, which turns the soil an unfriendly black color) This doesn't taste like water! This tastes like cat piss!
CROW: (Doubling up at Alice) Who the fuck are you to yell at me about the water? It isn't my fault this place has shit for water! And another thing-
GREY DANCER: (Holding a hand to silence the Crow) Calm yourself friend! This is Alice. I believe she may be able to help us.
ALICE: (Coldly) What makes you so sure I'll help you?
GREY DANCER: (Smiles dangerously) Because unless you help us you won't be able to get back through the Looking Glass.
ALICE: (Feeling as through she had forgotten something) Oh shit! Melinda!
DAISY: (Conversing to her stepsister) What is she going on about?
ALICE: (Frantically failing her arms) My friend Melinda, you see, was carried off by this gargantuan bug and I followed them here though the Looking Glass. I'm afraid I lost track of it because you woke up in this area some time later, so I think I hit my head or passed out or something.
LILY: (Mortified beyond belief) Did you say gargantuan bug?
ALICE: (Nodding 'yes' and getting closer to her) Do you know what that thing was?
GREY DANCER: (Grabbing Alice by her wrist as they sprint off) Unfortunately yes! It also means we're all in danger out her in the Garden. Keep up, I'll explain more in the S.U.R.F.!
ALICE: (Running as fast as she can so she doesn't trip) S.U.R.F? What's a S.U.R.F.?
GREY DANCER, LILY, DAISY, CROW, and ALICE jump into what seems to be a giant anthill in the ground.
ALICE: (Landing onto solid ground) Ugh! (She spits out some dirt) Yuck! (She looks around and theirs a lot of technology around her) Where are we?
CARRIE: (Emerging from a shadowy corner) Why you're at S.U.R.F Alice.
ALICE: (Looking at Carrie in confusion, she didn't seem older than she did during their first encounter in Wonderland) Carrie? (She gets up and approaches her old friend) Carrie… you haven't aged a day how?
CARRIE: (Beaming brightly) Well after you stopped my mother the White Queen was put back in charge and since I was no longer needed I finished my time-traveling cloak. I traveled across the years in mere weeks. I stopped just before the whole White and Red fiasco took place. I helped you, Hatter, Hare, and the rest of the resistance. Shortly after the skirmish I went even further and spent a week in territory ruled by the White Queen and then left for this year and I found my home needed me once more, so I called upon my duties as a princess to assist my homeland in anyway. Unfortunately, my cloak doesn't work anymore, so I couldn't just up and leave to see if it was just a short-lived era of the Black Queen in charge. I am now one of the ten heads of the resistance to overthrow the Black Queen. The other nine being the Grey Dancer behind you, (Alice turns to see the Grey Dancer is now her height) the May Seductress, Mad Hatter Jr., Duchess, the Cheshire Lion, the White Queen, Caterpillar, the Faithful Jerk and Sir Ian Dottington. We are each in control of an area that hasn't been taken over by the Black Queen. I was in charge of the Serpentine Wilds… (She pauses) until the Black Queen destroyed it all. I am the only survivor of what is now christened as the Massacre of the Black Serpents.
ALICE: (Putting her hand on her shoulder comfortingly) You can't blame yourself…
CARRIE: (She holds back tears) It's just that cruel bitch didn't give a damn how many lives she destroyed. (She bites her lower lip)
GREY DANCER: (Walking over towards them) You see Alice, since the Black Queen took over we've been forced onto hiding, lest we become her next victims.
LILY: (Scurrying besides Carrie and whispering into her ear) The Dark Monarch is back from her world…
CARRIE: (Jumps back in alarm) This is horrible! We- we have to warn the others, but communications are still down…
ALICE: (Beleaguered quite a bit) I'm sorry warn who about what?
CARRIE: (Holding Alice by the shoulders) Alice! I need to know if you saw the Dark Monarch?
ALICE: Excuse me? The Dark what?
CARRIE: (Shaking her) The Dark Monarch! The Queen's right hand assassin!
ALICE: (She gasps in fright) The thing that took Melinda?
CARRIE: (Ceases shaking her) Who?
ALICE: (Looking down) My friend- Melinda Esposito…
DAISY: (Skirting about the computers) It is to fried for even me to fix! Someone needs to deliver the message by mouth!
CARRIE: (Releasing Alice) I'll do it!
ALICE: (Grabbing her hand) I'm coming too!
GREY DANCER: You two'll need protection, it's not safe for two huge anarchists to waltz around Wonderland in the best of times. I'll go too!
LILY: (Moving next to Crow) Go to Duchess first! She's closest and will have more manpower in her area.
CARRIE: (Putting her hands on her hips) It's settled then! Tomorrow morning at dawn we shall head out for the Duchess's house!