"Ne, Shizu-chan?"
"Hmm?"
"Lookie, it's starting to snow. It's so pretty!"
I chuckled, "Yeah…you must really like snow."
His face flushed even more than it had been for many weeks, "Mm-hmm, even though, I never got to see much of it when I was little…or when I was a teen for that matter…"
"I see…" I rubbed his soft raven-black hair and he sighed. His voice seemed to dwindle.
"Shizu-chan."
"Yeah?"
"I wanna…I wanna go out today…"
My eyes softened at his only wish that he's repeated so many times before.
"I know…but-"
"I wanna go outside with you right now. I wanna catch snowflakes on my tongue and throw heaps of snow at you. Just you and m-"
I flinched when he coughed fiercely from the sudden lift in his voice, and I continued to rub his head.
"…Izaya…that's enough. I know how much you've been longing for an outing, I know, but…we're gonna have to wait until you're better."
His red eyes seemed to tear up, "But Shizu-chan-"
I pinch the bridge of my nose, "No: when you get better. I've been telling you that for as long as you've been here haven't I?"
"But it has to be now-"
"I SAID NO!" I scared him with the severity in my voice,
There was hurt written all over his face, making me feel guilty for yelling, but he swallowed his next few words for the rising argument and turned his back to me. He put his fingers around his stuffed panda bear that had the red bow I bought for him four Valentine's Days ago and squeezed its white, plushy cheeks. He still wouldn't let go of it despite the fact that he was twenty-three. He huddled up to his chest and kept his eyes focused on the window.
I sat there, being ignored by the man that I loved most in this world. It hurts me to raise my voice at him like that, but I just can't give what he really wants. It stings that I can't grant my lover his only wish, but losing him would end up killing me too. I sighed and pulled the covers closer to his shoulders and walked out of the room.
It's been like this for the past few months. Izaya has always had some illness that doctors can't put their finger on what it is, so taking him to a hospital wasn't an option. He always gets like this around the same time each year, except this particular time. His illness came around twice this year, and it's gotten much worse.
I can't even remember the number of weeks that have passed since he's been bedridden at my house, given that Shinra said that he should be put in an environment where he feels most relaxed and comforted, but his fever hasn't broken yet. He throws up just about everything he eats, and I have to help him to the bathroom. He's getting fragile and thinner by the day, but the only thing that remains strong is his smile.
Every time I walk in the room to help him with something, he'd always smile at me. It was never his trademark smirk or a jokey grin – it was warm and sincere. It racked my brain every day to figure out what he was smiling about. Was it because he was confident he would get better? Was it to reassure me that he loved me? I can't tell…
Despite this, I worry. Izaya's never been a very strong person. A while after we met, he started slipping, tripping, falling, getting hurt every time. After clawing his way back up, he'd put his best smile on for me. That's why I love him so much. I can't lose him now.
Shinra told me his chance of recovery looks grim. He lectured me that day about everything that should be done, but I didn't hear all that, or more like I didn't wanna hear all that. Shinra said one thing that got my full attention back before he turned around to walk down those tile halls of the mocking hospital rooms.
"Shizuo, despite all the warnings and advisories I've just given you, if Izaya happens to wish for something that seems like a risk…don't hesitate. Please just let him have it."
I've broken that rule so many times. It's been snowing lately, and Izaya's wanted nothing more than to go outside and hang out with me in the white-coated city of Ikebukuro. When he was a bit stronger during the beginning of the month, he would always joke about dumping a huge pile of snow on me when I wouldn't be looking. I used to wanna kill him for saying stuff like that, but I always laughed when he mentioned the idea.
He's also been having trouble sleeping. He's begun to whimper and kick more often in his slumber than he's ever been doing. Sometimes he murmurs while soft tears roll down his pink cheeks. One night, he even cried and threw his arms around me when I came in to see what was wrong. I just don't understand it…everything was so perfect…and I was so stupid to think that this would never change the effect we have on each other.
I break out of my thoughts when I hear him call, "…Shizu-chan…"
I rush to his side immediately, only to find his eyes closed and the labored breathing he's struggling with just to sleep. He furrows his eyebrows and mumbles, "Please…Shizu…chan…I can…"
It's literally tearing my heart to pieces to see him like this. He can't even find peace in his sleep…and it's all my fault. I struggle to keep my breath from hitching when I see the familiar teardrops fall off his face and make spots on the mat. I can't take it…I put my hand on his shoulder.
"Izaya…" I call softly so he won't hear my voice cracking, "…I-Izaya…"
He shifts, and then gradually opens his crimson eyes. They set their gaze on me, adjusting to my image, yet happy to see me. It makes me glad that someone is.
He coos, "Hi…Shizu-chan…"
"Izaya, "I look at him determinedly, but lovingly, "didn't you say that…you wanted to play in the snow?"
"…Mm-hmm…"
I rub the wetness off his hot cheeks.
"…And didn't you say that…you wanted to spend time with me in Ikebukuro to see everything covered in huge, white blankets?"
His eyes show a bit of excitement, and he tries to sit up, "Uh-huh…"
I press my hand against his back to keep him from falling back down.
"…And don't you wanna…dump a huge pile of snow on me to play a dirty trick…?" I try to chuckle, but it just won't happen. Luckily, he does it for me.
"…Y-Yeah…does that mean…?"
I smiled, "If you say we gotta go now, just you and me, then I guess we have to."
His eyes widened in shock, but softened as mine did. Joyful tears were beginning to bubble in his eyes. I wipe them away with my thumb.
"Hey, now," I chided him, "Why're you crying? We're gonna have fun together, just like we've always have, right?"
He nodded after he sniffled a bit. I patted his head, "Okay, what do you say we get your jacket on, ne?"
His jacket, the only one he owns, is the most precious thing he cherishes other than me and the panda bear, Shippa. I'm not being self-centered – he told me that himself when he was in better conditions. He does fine with the first sleeve, but he struggles with the right one. I don't go over to help him in that instant because I can already feel myself ready to hug him to death and tell him that he doesn't have to try so hard. When I finally get the guts to control myself, I put his arm through the furry sleeve and flip the hood over his head. He gives me a weak, yet grateful smile, and it takes every ounce of strength I have to return the sweet gesture.
Every second, it's getting harder and harder to believe what I'm about to do.
"Okay, time to go." I glance back at the futon Izaya just go out of and see the little panda bear on its back, "Do you want Shippa with you?"
He looks over in the same direction and negates with his head. He puts two fingers up to my face in a "V" symbol to let me know he'll be just fine without him. I kiss both of the digits, one at a time, and gently take hold of his hand. Slowly, enjoying each other's warmth, we shuffle out of the door.
I had no idea where he wanted to go, and he never told me. I can't even remember how long we had been walking or how far we were from my house. We just kept going, hand in hand, like nothing could ever separate us. He stomped a few times to get the feel of the snow on his shoes.
"…Even though my feet are covered, "he breathed shakily, "it still feels so…tingly."
"Y-yeah," I put my head down, masking my face in my blonde bangs to prepare myself for what I'm about to say next.
"Izaya, do you need me to carry you?"
He squeezes my hand, "No, I can still walk-"
"Don't force yourself to do this."
He flinches, then gives me another warm smile regardless of the cold air all around us, "I don't wanna be on your back, just by your side. We've been doing that a long time for each other, right?"
I look at him deeply with my mocha eyes before running my fingers through his black hair under the hood.
"I understand, "I finally say, and we continue to trudge through the white wonderland of Ikebukuro.
I realize that we haven't even been walking for half an hour, and Izaya's pace has begun to slow. His steps take more effort, and he's grunting as he lifts his feet. His breaths are constantly being uncovered by the chill in the air as he exhales. I also can feel my hand not only being held out of love but also for dear life. I don't say anything but just continue to watch as the man of my dreams seems to be slowly slipping away from me before my eyes.
Suddenly, he loses his footing and stumbles. I grab the hood of the jacket to prevent a fall and hoist him up. His face is red from his rising fever, sweat pooling from his cheeks, and his panting is shaky and raspy. His hair is now unkempt and sticking to his clammy forehead. I try my best to scold him, but my voice betrays me by showing a sign of pain.
"Izaya…stop. You've done enough. We need to get back home."
He doesn't respond but keeps breathing heavily. It's not until something wet and cold touches his nose that he looks up. I do the same to find hundreds, thousands, maybe even millions of tiny snowflakes surrounding us, all falling from the same cloudy sky.
"Heh," Izaya giggles, "…Shizu-chan…it's snowing again…it's so…pretty, ne?"
I nod, not taking my eyes off Heaven's winter gift.
"Yeah, I take it you like watching it fall, huh?"
He nods cutely, "Yep...I…never could play outside when it snowed…it's so much better…now that I have you with me…Shizu-chan."
I blush and then stroke my finger up against his cheek. I remember him being tickle-sensitive, so he giggles once more. It's feeble, but it makes us both happy.
"Izaya, why don't we stop for today? It'll probably snow again tomorrow."
He shakes his head, "No, I can…go further. I promise…"
His foot steps forward on the fresh layer of snow, and he moves the other one in synch. I give him a worried look that he can't see, but he seems confident that he can't fail as long as I'm with him, holding his hand the whole step of the way. He's becoming tired, I know it, but he manages to keep his stable stride a few more minutes. I almost want to run in a corner somewhere and hide so I won't have to take this ache in my chest anymore.
The snow continues to fall, his steps begin to lag once more, I'm ready to beg him to come back home with me. The way he's squeezing my hand is actually beginning to hurt me, but I don't say a word. His complete upper body is no longer the pale and creamy color it used to be, but it's flushed pink and red. Then, he groans in deep pain and collapses toward the pavement. I completely forget about holding back my strength and grasp him as quickly as I could.
We're both on the ground now. I'm crouched on my knees, holding my frail lover in my arms. His eyes have lost their boyish gleam and are completely glazed over. I call his name, getting frantic with each one.
"Izaya! Izaya! Can you hear me?!"
He looks up at me and weakly pulls up his hand to cling onto my own jacket.
"Shi…Shi…zu-chan…"
"It's okay – I'm right here." I stroke his hair as my way of confirming it.
"Shizu…chan…is it still…snowing?"
I'd been ignorant of the little white snowflakes for some time, and they were beginning to diminish.
"It's-"I choke, "It's…slowing down a bit, but yeah."
"Oh…I can't…see it anymore…"
I can't help it. I'm tearing up quickly. Can you imagine? The strongest man in Ikebukuro about to cry his eyes out over the man he used to hate with all his heart and soul.
"Shizu-chan…"
"Yes, Izaya?"
"…I…I love you…"
Tears are officially rolling down my cheeks and dripping onto his wilting body. The snow around us is getting lighter and lighter. I kissed his face over and over again.
"Mm-hmm," my voice cracks, "I-I love you, too, Izaya. So, so much and forever and always…you know that, right?"
If he nodded, I could barely tell. As the snow hardly fell anymore, the grip on my jacket gets tighter, then the body in my arms slowly begins to go limp. The red eyes that I could never stop gazing at were barely open.
Then he whispered. I will never forget the last smile he gave me.
"I'm…I'm so…happy…Shizu…chan…"
The very last snowflake falls on his numb cheek as his eyes close. I'm completely destroyed. I'm crying hysterically over his body which had begun to grow cold. As I'm weeping and coughing violently, I'm constantly squeezing myself near his chest, praying that it would move or make any sound. Silence reigns over the city as well as his once-beating heart.
I shake uncontrollably from my chilled tears and weep, clutching Izaya closer to me to give my life and warmth into him. I was in complete denial.
I'm literally screaming, "Izaya! Don't die on me, dammit! Izaya! Izaya!"
I can't count how many times I shook him. God, please, show me anything. A quick breath, a rise of his chest, a glimpse of his beautiful crimson eyes – anything.
"Izaya! Please, God, Izaya! Say something – anything! I love you so much, so don't die, please!"
Memories of him meld together, all at the same time.
His irritating smirk when he pulled out his pocketknife on me.
The blush on his cheeks when he first asked me out.
His giggles and laughs whenever I tickled him.
His childish pouts when I teased him.
His overjoyed eyes when I tied the red bow on that stupid bear.
The tenderness in his voice when he spoke.
The way he cried in my blood-stained arms when I got shot.
His woman-like figure running to me in a pink apron when I got home.
His warm touch on my face to reassure me that nothing could ever break us apart.
It's all gone now. The last snowflake finally melted and dripped off his pale face.
Yeah, this is a REAL great way to kick off my first upload...ah, well, nuttin' like a good angst bomb to get you goin, ne?