I don't own Agents of SHIELD and never will. No copyright infringement intended.
Author's Note: Warnings for mentions of physical and sexual abuse.
Grant didn't want therapy (he didn't think he needed it) but when Jemma came back after her stint in Hydra with a formerly brainwashed therapist in tow, she insisted that he – and everyone else – needed it. "Based on what I heard about you and Garrett, this is something you should have. And you want to get better, right? For me and Skye and Fitz, please." Jemma batted her eyes innocently.
He stared at her. "I know you're trying to guilt me but it's working."
She bounced up and down. "Great! Lauren will be down to visit you in a few hours for your first session so good luck. I'll talk to you later, once I'm done yelling at Fitz for trying to get revenge."
Grant shook his head. "Please don't yell at him, Jemma. I deserved that and it's fine that he did it. I'm not angry."
Jemma clenched her fists so she wouldn't scream at him because that wouldn't solve anything (and would only make the situation worse based on what she heard from other Hydra agents). "Ward, causing others pain because they hurt you is never the answer."
He blinked at her in confusion. "But it's my fault that he's brain damaged. Nothing I do could ever make up for what Fitz is experiencing, what you both went through. There's no excuse for what I did, even though I did try to save you."
"Oh, Ward. This is what the therapist is for. You need a lot of help." He looked skeptical but she turned around and walked away.
Grant eyed Lauren Mavaleta suspiciously. "I don't need a therapist. I'm fine."
She turned her gaze towards the scars on his wrist. "Something tells me you're wrong, Grant."
He followed her gaze down before looking back up. "I went through a rough stretch before but I'm over it now. I want to live." He's not about to admit the truth to a stranger who wants to get inside his head. He can't let that happen.
"Well, we don't have to discuss your multiple suicide attempts right now. Let's talk about John Garrett and what he meant to you. He was like your father, right?"
Grant didn't answer at first, trying to figure out her game. "Yes," he finally admitted.
"I've reviewed the footage from Havana and Garrett beat you. Was that the first time?" Lauren just wanted to get somewhere with this mean but she had a feeling this was going to take a while. They had time, though, so it didn't have to happen right away.
"That was for the cover," he bit out angrily.
"Really?" She didn't mention that she and Jemma learned that wasn't the case from other Hydra agents they interrogated because she wanted him to figure it out himself. Grant could stay in denial for now but Lauren knew that needed to change.
He nodded. "Yes and I don't want to talk to you anymore." Grant turned around and sat down on his bed then refused to say another word to her.
An unsurprised Lauren just stood up and headed back upstairs to talk to the other agents that also needed her help (she had her work cut out for her here, something she looked forward to).
Lauren stopped by for another session two days later. "Did you think you got rid of me, Grant? Sorry about your luck."
He stood up and glared at her. "I don't need you."
"Director Coulson ordered you to talk to me now so you can't get out of it. He agreed that you need therapy." She sat down and waited for him to walk up to the barrier, which he did just a minute later.
"I don't have to listen to him." That was a lie but Grant was desperate enough to try anything at this point.
"Aw, I'm glad you tried that defense. It was cute. Now sit down and start talking."
He rolled his eyes but complied. "When did you meet John Garrett?"
"After I graduated from the Academy." The lie rolled off his tongue easily and he winced at himself before correcting it. "When I was sixteen."
Lauren raised her eyebrows. "When you were placed in juvie for burning your house down?"
"Yes."
"Tell me what happened the day he found you, Grant. I'm curious."
It took him about five minutes to work up the courage to finally explain what occurred and even then it was hard to start. "He showed up and offered to make me a man. I took him up on it and left with John."
Her pen stopped. "You went with him willingly?"
"Uh, yeah. He didn't kidnap me or anything if that's what you're thinking." He didn't understand why she seemed so shocked.
"That is exactly what I am thinking, Grant. You were a minor and couldn't legally consent to anything without your parents' permission. John Garrett kidnapped you." Lauren didn't blame him for not seeing it that way, however, and made a note to go back to that later.
Grant denied it immediately. "They were going to try me as an adult so I'm pretty sure I could consent."
"But that hadn't yet happened. You had been charged with arson and attempted murder but you were in a juvenile detention facility and that hadn't yet been changed. It is kidnapping, and I'm sorry to break it to you this way." From what she had already learned about his life, Lauren was shocked he hadn't broken sooner.
"You're wrong." And then Grant clammed up and refused to speak to her any further so she vowed to come back another day. Meanwhile, he curled up in his cot and tossed and turned all night, trying to push that session out of his head. Garrett hadn't kidnapped him – he had only been trying to make Grant stronger (and had succeeded, even though he definitely regretted his actions. He was drowning in guilt and wished he could turn back time to make better decisions).
By the time the next session rolled around, he was ready for her. "Are you going to clam up again?" Lauren questioned.
"I'm a monster and you can't deny that, Lauren. And it's not because of what John Garrett may or may not have done to me."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because I tried to burn my house down with my brother inside. I knew he was there." He could drive her away and never have to worry about another session again.
Lauren knew exactly what he was doing and wasn't impressed. She told him so. "So why did you set the house on fire, Grant? Something caused you to snap."
He tried to ignore the flash of pain the memory caused but ultimately failed. "None of your business."
"Grant, this is a safe place and everything you tell me is in confidence. I know that your older brother is a senator now but word won't leak to him, I promise you that." She worried about him (and Fitz) constantly. Everyone on this base needed help but these two more than others.
Grant bit his lip and struggled to say what he wanted to. He looked at the floor for a few seconds before finally working up the courage. "My little sister Rose called me in tears. She told me that Maynard finally went too far and he touched her and did something he really shouldn't have."
Lauren wanted to rush in there and comfort him but they weren't comfortable enough with each other to do so. "Sexually?" she pressed and her heart broke when he nodded.
"I couldn't let him do that to her. I tried so hard to protect her and Bryan but then they sent me away to military school and failed. But that's what I always do anyway." He hung his head and clammed up again after that.
Lauren sniffled. "Grant, that is not your fault so please stop blaming yourself. It is on Maynard only and that is that. I want you to remember that every time you start beating yourself up over it, okay?" She had a lot to delve into with this man and it wasn't going to be easy to get past all of Grant Ward's walls but she refused to give up on him. That would never happen on her watch.
Grant continued denying Garrett kidnapped him and refused to believe her that the psychopath who took him under his wing was also abusive. "He only tried to make me stronger," he informed Lauren two months into their sessions. His defenses kept crumbling however and he held onto them with everything he had.
Lauren was thrilled they had made some progress – he was giving intelligence to people that weren't Skye or Fitz. Grant had also realized that he couldn't depend on Skye so much nor take her to her father and apologized to her for even thinking about it (surprisingly enough, she accepted the apology). "Grant, how many times have we been over this? You know that your parents and Maynard abused you so why won't accept that Garrett also abused you?"
Grant angrily pounded at the padded walls. "Because he didn't!" he screamed.
She got up and left him to stew in his anger but not before telling him that his next session was a joint one with Fitz.
Grant and Fitz eyed each other in worry and shared fear only two days later. "There's something you wanted to say to Grant," prompted Lauren, who had no time for this macho bullshit.
Fitz bit the bullet and sighed. "I apologize for depriving you of oxygen. That was cruel and I only wanted revenge, and that isn't right. I was angry and took it out on you and for that, I'm truly sorry." He looked worried as he awaited a response.
He smiled nervously at the scientist. "Fitz, you don't owe me an apology. I'm so sorry that you ended up hurt and brain damaged. I only wanted to save you from Garrett but I fucked up again, just like I did with Buddy. It means nothing when you ended up hurt anyway and nothing I could ever do will make up for what happened in that pod. It was supposed to float but that's not an excuse and never will be."
"I accept your apology too. But who's Buddy?"
Lauren was shocked that Grant brought up the dog Garrett needlessly murdered but kept her mouth quiet. "He was a dog I used to have," Grant explained. He missed him so much he could barely stand it sometimes.
"What happened to him?" If Fitz had known the answer ahead of the time he never would have asked.
His voice cracked during his response. "Garrett told me I couldn't have any weaknesses and ordered me to kill him but I couldn't do it so he did it himself."
Fitz gaped in horror. "Oh my God. Fuck, Ward, I'm not sure how your mind works but it is not your … effort? No, fault! Not your fault," he firmly declared.
Grant shook his head. "It is."
Lauren watched as Fitz tried to convince him for over an hour that Buddy's death was Garrett's fault. By the time he was done, Grant was willing to see his side and she considered that progress.
During her next solo visit, Grant was unusually silent and that worried Lauren. "What's wrong? You seemed fine last time we talked."
He looked at her with haunted eyes. "Nobody loves me."
"That's not true. Your team loves you."
"No they don't. They might have felt something for me at first but I ruined everything. There's something wrong with me, Lauren."
She wasn't about to let him think this way. "There is nothing wrong with you. You are not unlovable, Grant Ward. You've experienced hate – and a lot of it – but the problem lies with them. That's what I've been trying to tell you."
He couldn't believe her. "You're wrong. Nobody has nor will they ever love me. I think they knew that I'd fuck up their lives and that's why no one ever trusted me."
No matter how hard she tried to get through to him, Lauren couldn't convince Grant of the truth and it pissed her off and saddened her at the same time.
Skye showed up for a joint session a week later. "Lauren's been really helping me out too," she explained to a smiling Grant.
"Seems like you two have a lot of issues to work through but things have been getting better," Lauren interrupted. God, had Grant always been this obvious about the fact that he was head over heels in love with Skye? She should ask the others.
She grinned at them. "I see that he's trying to get better, that he wants this help and that it's working. That's good enough for me for now but what exactly did Garrett do to you, Grant?"
"Nothing, Skye. I made my own choices and I fucked up my life all on my life."
Lauren's head dropped down disappointingly. She knew it'd take a while for him to come to terms with Grant's abuse but the denial drove her up the wall just a little. "Skye, you'll get your answer when Grant is ready to accept the truth."
Skye stared at them in confusion but shrugged and then the therapy session continued.
Grant couldn't stop thinking about everything that Lauren had been trying to tell him later. He conceded her point that feelings weren't weaknesses and Garrett had been wrong about that but he couldn't have been wrong about everything. He needed the beatings to become stronger, to become a man. And the other thing he hadn't yet mentioned to her? That was fine too, he kept telling himself. He was thrilled when Skye showed up to visit the next morning.
"You seem like you're doing a lot better," she observed.
"My head feels clearer. I didn't like her at first but it's nice to be able to talk to someone." God, he loved her so much but he had to move on. She deserved a lot better than him. No matter what Lauren said, he was still a monster.
"Well, I'm happy about that. Ward, I'm really sorry that I told you to kill yourself. I talked to Lauren about it the other day and I've felt guilty since I said it but had no idea how to bring the topic back. It was wrong of me."
"Skye, I'm not angry with you for it. We were both in bad places at the time but if it makes you feel any better, I do accept your apology." He hadn't even blamed her the instant the words came out of her mouth because he understood.
"Ward, stop letting people walk all over you." That bothered her so much and she couldn't figure out why he let people do that to him.
"So, how's everything going?" Grant questioned, changing the subject. He needed to talk about something else.
Skye brightened immediately. "Great! Hydra's numbers are dwindling slowly, thanks to Jemma and your intel."
"You're welcome. You enjoy this agent thing?" He grinned when she started beaming.
"Yes! It's hard but this is exactly what I wanted to do. And it thanks to you and May that I can. You were a pretty great SO, by the way, even though you annoyed me ninety eight percent of the time."
Grant burst into laughter. "Good to know."
And then they sat down and talked for over two hours about random shit just to pass the time.
Grant experienced a breakthrough three weeks later (something Lauren was proud of him for). Talking to her about the time Garrett beat him for fucking a mission shortly before he joined the team, he stopped dead right in the middle of a sentence. "Grant?"
He opened and closed his mouth a few times before he finally came up with the words he needed. "Garrett abused me."
A shocked Lauren responded by briefly turning off the barrier and rushed to hug him. Unfortunately, Grant flinched so she backed off immediately. "I am so proud of you for this, Grant Douglas. It took you such a long time to come to terms with this."
Grant choked on a sob and tried to stifle them but ultimately failed. "Not a weakness," he mumbled.
"That's right – crying and feelings aren't weaknesses. Garrett never should have hurt you like he did. He took away your choices, and yes, you're ultimate responsible for your own actions but it explains a lot, doesn't it?" This time he didn't protest when she pulled him in for a hug. She finally stood up and gently pushed him down when he cried himself to sleep.
Today had been a big day for Grant Ward. Finally realizing the truth took a lot out of him and he slept for a long time afterwards.
The next day, Lauren gathered the whole team in for a group therapy suggestion, something only a few people complained about. Lance waved his hand. "Um, I don't know Ward and I wasn't around for his betrayal. Why exactly am I here?"
"Shut up and deal with it," Skye hissed.
Lance inched his chair closer to Trip's. "You scare me sometimes."
Grant laughed. "I like you, Hunter, but no." He wouldn't put up with people disrespecting Skye.
Skye smiled at him. "It's just a joke, Ward. You don't have to defend my honor or anything." She thought it was sweet, though, even though she'd never admit it.
"Grant has something he wants to tell you and asked me to gather you here so he only had to do it once. It took him a long time to accept this."
Grant chewed on his fingernails before he finally blurted it out. "Garrett kidnapped me when I was sixteen years old and although this isn't an excuse, he abused me for fifteen years. He beat me whenever I messed up or he felt like it – that didn't really matter to him. He fucked me up so badly I didn't see it until it was too late and when everything came crashing down, I shattered completely. May, I am sorry for our fight. I went too far and I will always regret when I said to you because it wasn't true. Skye, I don't know what I was thinking either – I can barely even remember most of what happened and it's a blur but I know I said something I shouldn't and I am so fucking sorry you have no idea. I would have stopped him if I knew he was going to order Quinn to shoot you but that's my fault too. Fitz and Jemma, nothing can ever make up for ejecting the pod. I may have done it to save you but what happened afterwards never should have happened. Sir? I wish I had told you before about Garrett but I was too far gone to realize what he was doing to me. And Trip, I'm sorry about your partners and who Garrett turned out to be." By the time he stopped, tears poured down his face.
Skye and Jemma both tried to pretend they also weren't crying. "I accepted your apologies a long time ago but I forgive you again. And I'm proud of you for accepting help," Jemma responded.
"We just want you to become the man we know you can be, Grant. Therapy is really helping and I'm proud of you too," Skye sniffled.
"I can't forgive you, Ward, but I'd like to see you become who you were meant to be. That's all anyone can do." May smiled when Gran t turned to face her.
Trip spoke up next. "Sounds like Garrett fucked you up bad and I know what he was like from working under him for a few months. You were a kid he took advantage of and you're not letting him win now. That's pretty awesome."
Coulson didn't speak for a few minutes but when he did, he surprised Grant (but not everyone else). "Grant, I think it's time to talk about letting you out of here but there will be conditions. A tracking bracelet, like Skye's, for one, and no missions for a long time. Keep going to therapy. Everyone deserves a second chance, including you. But if you fuck up? You're right back here and there will not be a third chance. What do you say?"
Grant was so relieved he nearly burst into tears with the girls. "Thank you so much, Sir. I promise that I won't let you down."
And with that, Grant was granted release from his cell. The tracking bracelet was attached to his wrist and then he was given his own room (right next to Fitz and Mack, to which Skye dissolved into giggles and wished him luck. He learned the hard way why after everyone went to bed).
Grant met up with Lauren in the living room to talk to her just three days later. He debated telling her this but knew he needed to be honest. "I have to tell you something I haven't told you yet."
"What is it, Grant? You can tell me anything."
He tapped his foot up and down a few times before he rushed into it. "Garrett did more than just beat me."
Lauren gripped his hand for support. "He sexually abused you too?" she guessed and her heart broke when he nodded.
"I never wanted it but he told me that it was okay to do that. And that made him happy and sometimes, he didn't beat me. I tried to forget about all those times it happened but that didn't work. And you don't seem surprised."
"You've thrown up several red flags and there were rumors when Jemma was undercover that she told me about before I met you. Grant, none of the abuse was your fault. It all lays on your family and Garrett. They're sick, not you."
"It feels like my fault. I feel dirty every time I think about it." He had kept this secret for a reason. Grant felt ashamed to let anyone know and it hurt him to think about what occurred.
"That's normal but you don't need to feel that way. I'm glad you felt safe enough to tell me the truth. You were raped by Lorelei too, and never really dealt with that, right? Well I'm here to change that for you.
Grant Ward wasn't alone and never would be. She'd help him deal with the horrors of his life for as long as he allowed her to. And he had family by his side for support too.
Nightmares invaded Grant's subconscious and prevented him from sleeping that night but he felt better now that Lauren knew pretty much everything about the hell his life had been until he met the team. He'd have to tell Skye eventually and definitely wasn't ready for that but knew things like this took time. But he pushed all that aside when he joined them all for a movie that evening.
"Our rule is no sad movies because people get upset … and then…," Fitz trailed off. A surge of guilt hit Ward but he tampered it down since Fitz was getting better. He'd never be the same again but he had vastly improved lately.
"Cry," chirped in Mack.
"Thank you." Fitz's smile warmed Grant's heart but he groaned when the scientist leaned over and kissed his boyfriend.
"Guys, do you realize what it's like living next to you? I heard it enough last night," he complained. Grant laughed when Fitz threw a piece of popcorn at it and then immediately regretted his action as he stared in the bowl mournfully.
"We're back and better than ever!" a thrilled Skye shouted.
"We are trying to watch a movie here and it'd be nice if the volume wasn't at full blast." But May laughed loudly when Skye jumped up and started playfully attacking her.
Everyone slowly drifted off to sleep near the end of the movie, leaving Skye and Grant to watch by themselves. "You know, I think it's pretty awesome that you realized you want to wipe the red from your ledger. I'll introduce you to Nat soon – she's amazing and kickass."
"You've met Natasha Romanov?"
Skye bounced up and down, careful not to jostle Coulson and May. "We met all the Avengers and they're pretty mad at Dad for not telling them he was alive again but they helped us on a case. Thor is so dreamy and godlike and Dad went all fanboy on Steve Rogers. It was hilarious." He frowned and she stared at him. "You have no reason to be jealous, Grant."
"Damn it, I promised I'd never lie to you."
She buried her head in his shoulder as laughter shook her body. "God, this honestly policy is so going to work out in my favor, isn't it?"
"Probably," Grant grumbled but was caught off guard when Skye kissed him. He melted into it and pulled back, dazed. "Wow."
"Grant Ward is speechless because of me. Damn, I'm good." She snuggled up next to him. "I am so in love with you."
"I am hopelessly in love you with, Skye."
"And you're a romantic. I shouldn't be surprised. It's sweet."
Grant still had a long way to go in his recovery but he settled in next to her, content for the first time in his life. Redemption was definitely a possibility for him but he knew it'd take a long time and he was fine with that. Working hard to fix his mistakes shouldn't be easy. And he'd continue attending therapy because he knew he couldn't handle this on his own again. Hitting rock bottom for the second time was not an option. Grant Ward could define himself for once and learn how to make his own choices.