June 19, 2012

I forgot to take my pills today. OK, so I didn't forget. I just didn't take them. I hate taking them. They make everything worse. They put me in some fantasy world, where everything is bright and full of wonderful colors. It's when the pills wear off that reality comes crashing down on me, and I'm sucked back into this cruel world where I'm alone, and have been for the last 4 years. OK, well, maybe I'm not completely alone. Nathan & Haley stop by once a week to check on me, and Brooke calls me every Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday night at 9:00 PM. I haven't heard from Lucas in almost 3 years. Last I heard was that he moved to New York to become a writer, and that's where he met and married the so-called love of his life. I assume that Nathan and Haley still talk to him, maybe even Brooke, too, highly doubtful, but if they do, they are careful to never mention his name around me. They think I'm too fragile.

Peyton was interrupted from her journal by the sound of her cell phone ringing. She glanced at the clock and realized it was 9:00 on a Tuesday night. That meant it was Brooke calling from California to check up on her. As much as Peyton loved that she still had Brooke in her life, she dreaded these phone calls. All Brooke ever wanted to talk about was Peyton, and making sure that Peyton was taking her medications, that Peyton didn't have anymore episodes.

"Hi Brooke," Peyton said, answering the phone.

"Hello Miss Peyton!" came the cheery voice on the other end. "How is my girl today?"

"I'm fine," Peyton replied, glad Brooke couldn't see her roll her eyes.

"How's the weather in good old Tree Hill?"

"I wouldn't know. I haven't been outside since Saturday," Peyton shrugged. It was getting harder and harder for her to leave the house lately.

"Peyton! You need to get out and get some sun, girl! Tell you what. Dave and I are planning a trip to Tree Hill soon. I mean very soon. As in like this coming weekend soon. You and I are going to hang out at the beach all weekend long. No ifs, ands, or buts about it."

"Are you really coming?" Peyton asked hopefully.

"I promise, Peyton. Even if something comes up for Dave, I will still come. I won't let you down again."

"Will you stay here with me?"

"Of course, P. Sawyer. There's nowhere else I'd rather stay!" Peyton smiled for the first time in days. It had been almost 8 months since the last time Brooke came to visit. She had planned a least a dozen since then, but something always came up for her husband, Dave. Brooke worked in the fashion industry in Hollywood. She designed clothes for lots of movies. Dave was a movie director, mostly horror movies, but occasionally, he'd direct a comedy.

The two best friends spoke for a while longer on the phone. Mostly about Brooke's upcoming trip this weekend. She couldn't remember the last time she had heard such excitement in Peyton's voice. She knew that she couldn't cancel on Peyton this time, or ever again for that matter. As the phone call was coming to end, Brooke made Peyton promise that she would take her pills, and as always, Peyton promised Brooke she would take her pills.

Promises are made to be broken, right? I mean, lots of people have made promises to me and they've been broken, so why can't I break promises too? Brooke always promises that she's going to come see me, but rarely shows up. Nathan and Haley promise that they will stop by more often, but they never do. My mom promised that she'd always be here with me, and she's not. My dad promised that he'd spend more time at home with me, but he didn't. People always leave. Lucas once taught me that even though people leave, sometimes they come back. He promised he'd always be here for me, to save me, but he lied, too. They all lied, and now I'm all alone. Sometimes I wonder if they would even miss me if I was dead. Brooke won't call again until Thursday. Haley and Nathan only come over on Saturdays. If I killed myself tonight, no one would know until Brooke called and I didn't answer. I could be dead in here for two whole days and no one would know.

Peyton put her journal down and walked away from it. Lately, it seemed like all of her entries ended in thoughts of death and wondering if anyone would miss her. Her whole life has been filled with nothing but pain, loss, and disappointment. She lost her mother in a car accident when she was 10. She lost Lucas to Brooke when they were 16. She finally got Lucas when they were 17, but she lost Brooke. She found out she was adopted that same year, only to lose her birth mother to cancer 6 months later. Things between her and Lucas seemed great for the first year, but suddenly, things went downhill, and they haven't turned around since. For 4 years, Peyton has been on this downward spiral, and it seemed like no one was there to help her.