ZUTTO ISSHO NI ITAI

By Mizuki

The papers rustled as he reached for them across the table, the sound lost among all the other noises of the café.

'This is your choice, then, Kozue?'

He was looking at her, as if trying to postpone the inevitable, although she was certain that he could read her answer from her face much better than from her handwriting.

She nodded.

'I'm sorry, Hideo-san.'

His expression was unreadable as he looked down to confirm his suspicions. And there it was, her signature, right next to his on the divorce petition he had given her two years ago.

'I cannot be your wife any longer. I finally know who I want to be.'

He nodded, as if he had been expecting this outcome all along. 'And… Does your life… involve him?'

If she hadn't been anticipating this question, she would have started, but as it was, she only shook her head. 'No.'

'Will it?'

'I don't know,' came the answer.

His eyes were wide, his lips pressed into a grim line. 'I see.'

'I'm sorry that I stopped mailing you,' she said after an awkward pause. 'My work is keeping me so busy that I hardly spend any time at the apartment.'

'No need to apologize,' he said before taking a sip of his coffee. 'You're living the life you want, I am glad.'

'Thank you,' she murmured.

'And you look really good,' he added with a twisted smile, pointing to her new red designer blouse with a V-shape, plunging cleavage. She barely restrained herself from squirming under his gaze, still not accustomed to receiving those kind of looks from men, especially if they were about to become her ex-husband.

'Well, then,' he said eventually, putting back his cup, folding the paper and placing it in his satchel. 'I'll take care of all the formalities, you don't have to worry about a thing.'

She watched as he stood, sent her a small smile and left, and her heart was filled with sad tranquility.

The apartment she lived in was much bigger than the one she'd started with at the beginning of her road. It was also no longer so bare – two years of living on her own were enough to accumulate all the things you only start to notice when you lack them. She still couldn't really call it home, though. How could she, if the only sound she came back to each evening was a resonating silence. Suddenly the simple words 'okaerinasai' and 'tadaima' meant the world to her.

She lay on her bed, her eyes wide open, and contemplated the ceiling. Everything was solving itself one way or the other. Little Nanohana once again had a father, as her sister had reconciled with her husband. Her parents were expanding the shop – even though Otou-san kept grumbling his disapproval every now and then – and it was starting to bring better profit. And as for Hideo-san…

He seemed to be doing fine. As far as she knew, he was enjoying his work and lead a peaceful, rewarding life. She was almost certain that he had long ago suspected that the divorce was inevitable. She remembered that day when he had shouted at her, his words dangerously true. She had really been a little bit in love then. But it had been impossible, irresponsible, completely wrong.

He had thought he knew what he was saying, but he had still been only eighteen. No one at that age could be so sure of their feelings. What if she had decided to grant his wish and become involved with him and then he found a young girl more worthy of his love?

Now he would be twenty. Legally an adult, even though if she really wanted to be honest with herself, he had become an adult a long time ago. A lonely life full of hardships and being denied the thing he loved most – all that had long ago changed him into a man.

Would he still remember her? Would his thoughts return every now and then to that first dance they had shared? To that bittersweet embrace, to those almost-kisses, to holding hands while sleeping? Or would he have already moved on, found someone else to love, someone else to save, someone else to forever be with?

The image of him with some other woman was painful, though she knew that she had no right to feel this way. She was the one who had hurt him, who had rejected him when he needed her the most.

Would he welcome her if she entered his life again? Would he forgive her? And could she really invade his space after so long a time?

So many questions, and no answers to be found. She closed her eyes and tried to search for them inside of her heart. One thing was certain – she really did want to see him again, even if it was just for a short moment. She wanted to dance with him, though that was no longer possible… But even more than that, she wanted to know how he was doing. If there was a young woman in his life now, this was good. It meant that he had moved on, that the hurt had passed with time.

And if not… Which was improbable, but if not… Then maybe they could start again. She didn't know if it would work out, but it was worth trying… Now she knew that sometimes doing the things you wanted was really worth the pain you had to endure. Now she was no longer the confused, underappreciated woman she had been then.

She turned on the bed and burrowed her face into the pillow.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow she would go to the dance studio and look for him.

The walk to the studio had been the longest of her life. Her chest kept burning and her heart pounding and she felt more like a teenager than a woman in her thirties. Choosing her clothes had been a nightmare – should she wear trousers, or a skirt? He had once told her that a woman should wear a skirt, but wasn't it too much? But maybe she should make an effort this once? But would it seem like she was being desperate for a younger man?

In the end she decided on hip-hugging jeans, a navy blue long-sleeve shirt and a small necklace that glittered against her collar-bones. She left her hair loose, framing her face. If it came to the worst, she could always hide behind them.

Her knees shook as she made her way upstairs, and when she heard the music coming through the door, her insides froze over. What was she doing, again…?

When she was about to turn and run, the door opened.

'Oh! Hello!'

It was an older woman with short black hair. She gave her a kind smile. 'Are you here to dance?'

'I… Uh,' she hesitated, caught a bit off-guard. 'Actually, I'm looking for someone… I don't know if he's still here, though…'

'What's his name?' the woman asked pleasantly.

'Fukazawa Takuma.'

The change in the woman's face was immediate. She grinned widely and a wild glint appeared in her eyes. 'Takuma-sensei!' she cried excitedly. 'Of course he's here, he's the best instructor ever! Come on in!'

The woman dragged her inside before she could take a calming breath. Suddenly she was in the familiar, warmly-lit dance studio, her ears filled with soft music. There were several couples twirling on the dance floor, but he wasn't there.

'Over there, by the windows,' said the woman, having noticed her blank expression.

It quickly became apparent why she hadn't seen him. His hair was black and his back had been to her… He was dancing with a high school girl who smiled at him shyly from underneath her bangs, her hand uncertain on his shoulder. She was a petite, pretty thing with long black hair and big, doe-like eyes.

'Ichi, ni, san,' she could see him chant to the rhythm of their dancing, leading the girl through the most basic steps of the waltz.

Once again she felt like running, but her feet didn't move. She watched as they danced, experiencing a bitter feeling of déjà vu.

'Takuma-sensei!' called the woman, breaking into her thoughts. 'There's someone to see you!'

She held her breath as she waited for him to turn around and see her. The moment stretched infinitely as he let go of the girl's waist and looked at her, his eyes widening and his mouth falling open…

It seemed to take forever for him to cross the distance between them. And when he was finally in front of her, she knew that all of the feelings she had experienced two years ago had only become stronger.

'Kozue-san,' he said, staring at her in confusion. She smiled, a bit uncertain.

'Hello. I hope I'm not interrupting.'

He didn't answer, seemingly too speechless.

'How have you been…?'

'Why are you here?' he asked instead of answering, his eyes burning holes in her face.

'I… I wanted to know how you are doing.'

'Is that really all?' he pressed.

He wasn't going to let it go. He was like that, once he got an idea, it was difficult to persuade him otherwise. She had to admit defeat.

'No.'

Suddenly, she became painfully aware of the woman still standing nearby, eavesdropping on their conversation.

'Why don't we… go somewhere more private?'

The expression on his face was unreadable as he lead her outside. He had grown a bit taller since she'd last seen him. The new, shorter hairstyle suited him, made him look more mature… And even more handsome, too.

It wasn't long before they were alone. The atmosphere couldn't have been more awkward.

'What's wrong?'

His question startled her. 'Nothing's wrong,' she replied.

'Then why are you here? There has to be something wrong, otherwise you wouldn't come to see me.'

It hurt to know that she was the reason for the painful resignation in his voice. She decided to tell the truth.

'I'm getting divorced.'

His sharp intake of breath allowed her a small glimmer of hope. She continued before he could respond.

'I'm a free-lance writer now,' she said proudly. 'I still work for the Maga magazine, but no longer as a part-time worker… I've become an independent woman.'

'Is that why you're getting divorced?' he interjected.

'Partly,' she nodded. 'I finally know what I want.'

There was a silence, during which he stared at her in silence.

'Are you…'

'I know it's been two years… And probably you don't… And I'm sorry that I hurt you… But…'

'Kozue-san…'

'But I realized that I really want to learn how to dance…'

'Kozue…'

'…Are you still willing to teach me?'

For the longest of moments he didn't answer, and then, finally, he wordlessly held out his hand. Without thinking, she reached out as well. Their fingers met and she felt the familiar tingling sensation.

'Let's go then,' he said with a boyish grin and pulled her back to the studio.

Soon they were dancing, his 'ichi, ni, san' right next to her ear, her lips spread wide into a brilliant smile.

They did not notice the rest of the students pausing to watch them.

For the first step of a dance had been taken. Perhaps, as the time passed, more would follow, leading them to a path towards 'forever'.

A/N: After seeing the ending of 'Sore wa, Totsuzen, Arashi no you ni' the ultimate fangirl cannot possibly be okay with Kozue not being with Takuma... Even though we all know it's impossible. So here's an impossible bit of fluff, intended as a kind of closure, not necessarily very in-character... so bear with me :)

The title is a fragment of Takuma's line during episode ten: "I want to be with Kozue-san forever." I'm not sure if "Zutto issho ni itai" is grammatically correct without the subject, but it sounded okay, so once again, please bear with me :)

And lastly - I'm Polish and English is my second language, and this story was not beta-read, so I'm very sorry for any mistakes you might have noticed. :)

I hope you liked it! Leave reviews:)