I Keep Bleeding

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Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry April Auction - Day 1, Auction 2
Prompt - [Dialogue] "Let me eat my cake and cry in peace, please."

Summary - Hermione struggles to come to terms with her emotions until a friend offers some advice.

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Hermione returned to the Gryffindor common room after a long day, rubbing at the back of her neck with her hand and trying to ease some of the tension that was there. She was exhausted from studying so much - somehow the coursework had gotten even harder this year, which she hadn't really thought was possible after OWLs. And it didn't help that Harry was using that stupid book to show her up in Potions. Honestly, wasn't it enough that he was the best student in Defense Against the Dark Arts by a kilometre, did he have to try to best her at Potions too? It was infuriating. And with Ronald being an absolute arse… well, being irritated all the time really did drain a person.

She mumbled the password and barely let the portrait hole swing open before edging through, exhaustion pulling at her limbs and her mind. Her ears were assaulted with a cacophony of shrieking and laughter and whooping. Someone thrust a piece of cake at her, and Hermione took it without even looking. A rush of purple and pink caught her eye and Hermione finally took stock of the room, noting a crowd of people - mostly girls, and Ron - gathered around Lavender Brown. She had a birthday hat perched on top of her curls and pink and purple streamers were floating through the air. Hermione sighed heavily - this was the last place she wanted to be today.

Wearily, Hermione climbed the dormitory stairs until she reached the little terrace on top of Gryffindor Tower. It was almost always a quiet place to be alone, since few Gryffindors had figured out the trick to get through the door. (You had to whisper to it your most courageous deed of the day. And somehow it always knew if you were lying.)

"I stayed when they sat down with Harry and I at breakfast," she whispered, her heart clenching as she revealed her secret to the door.

With a quiet groan, the door swung open, allowing her to pass. She stepped up onto the stone terrace, feeling the cool air calm her flushed skin. As she walked over to the parapet, Hermione felt anger well up within her, and she wanted to throw the piece of cake in her hands over the wall. Instead, she turned her back to the wall, sliding down until she was sitting on the ground, legs curled beneath her.

Unbidden, tears started to slip down her cheeks, and Hermione was simply too tired to fight them. She had been pushing down her anger and frustration and hurt for weeks, and she was just tired of it. She just wished that her friends would, just this once, care about her feelings as much as she always cared about theirs.

Another groan of hinges caught Hermione's attention and she looked up to see red hair visible through the slowly widening gap. She stiffened immediately before recognizing the red-head as Ginny and relaxing slightly.

"Hey," Ginny said quietly, "I thought you might be up here. Everything okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Hermione sniffed, looking away.

"You don't have to lie to me, you know," Ginny stated, and Hermione bristled at the implication. "I'm not stupid, I can see that you're upset. Just talk to me."

"I just feel so… so angry," she answered with a deep sigh. "Every time I see those two idiots together, I just get so mad."

"Ron and Lavender?" Ginny clarified, and Hermione nodded. "Why?"

"I don't know," Hermione said, pushing away all the thoughts swirling in her mind - thoughts about Ron and kissing him and… No.

"You like him," Ginny said, more of a statement than a question.

"Oh just let me eat my cake and cry in peace, please," Hermione snapped. She really, really, didn't want to talk about this.

The truth was, Hermione wasn't sure who she was most upset with. Irrationally, she was angry with Lavender, but of course the other girl really wasn't to blame in any of this. To Lavender, Ron had been a free man, completely unspoken for - why shouldn't she try to court him? Even if she had known about Hermione's feelings, it wasn't like they were friends, there was no 'girl code' between them. So it wasn't really fair to be angry with her.

Ron, on the other hand, she was furious with. She had asked him to go to Slughorn's Christmas party with her, and she'd thought he'd understood. But then he'd been cold and angry toward her, and she had no idea why, and then this… And she knew it wasn't like he'd cheated on her, they weren't even going out, but somehow she still felt betrayed. Every time she saw him wrapped around Lavender's thin frame, she felt like she was being stabbed in the heart. She wanted to punch something, or cry until she was as dry as a desert, or just scream until all the glass in the castle shattered. Her mind filled with self-doubt - was it because she wasn't skinny enough? Wasn't pretty enough? If she cared more about her appearance and did her hair or put on makeup, would he like her then?

That was what Hermione truly hated. The feeling of inadequacy that swept through her and completely overpowered her mind. It was terrible. She had always been so proud of herself, so sure of who she was. Even when she'd had trouble making friends that first year, she hadn't doubted her own worth, and she had told herself time and again that eventually the others would see how wonderful she was. And she genuinely believed they did, but Ron… well, apparently he only thought she was wonderful when she did his homework.

Mostly, Hermione was angry with herself. She hated that she was this person, this sad, insecure person, all because a boy didn't like her. She was angry with herself for caring so much about what Ron thought. She was angry with herself for letting this stupid crush get out of hand. He's not that special anyway, she told herself, but she knew it was a lie. Ron really was wonderful. He was smart in a way that was all his own, and he was funny, and sweet, and so loyal. Just not to her, it would appear. She hated that she couldn't just move on, angry because she had no idea how to make it happen. Try as she might, she just couldn't get Ron out of her heart.

Hermione hadn't realized she was sobbing until Ginny threaded their fingers together, squeezing tightly, and laid her head on Hermione's shoulder. With deep, shuddering breaths, Hermione tried to calm herself, attempting to focus on the sensation of Ginny's thumb rubbing soothingly back and forth across her hand instead of the thoughts swirling in her mind.

"It's alright," Ginny hummed as Hermione struggled to gain control. "It's okay, he doesn't matter."

"Easy for you to say, with every guy in school chasing after you," Hermione hissed. Ginny stiffened slightly, and Hermione immediately looked mortified by her words.

"Hermione, you know I understand," she whispered, her free hand picking at a loose thread in her jeans.

"I know, I'm sorry," Hermione wailed, her hatred for herself increasing exponentially. There was something seriously wrong with her brain.

"Look, my brother is a peabrain, we all know that," Ginny huffed, snuggling closer to Hermione. "But if I had to try to untangle his stupid ass thought process, my guess would be this. He really does like you, we all know he does. He might not be sure about it yet, but everyone can see that it's there. But… he doesn't think he's worthy of you. And not because you're smart and he's a moron or anything like that, because I think anyone with eyes can see that you complement each other well. But he's… inexperienced, and you're not -"

Hermione gaped at her, but Ginny shook her head adamantly.

"- in his mind you're not, because you went out with Viktor, and I may have told him that you two snogged, and now McLaggen's got a thing for you, and even though he's repulsive, Ron sees that and he just thinks, 'Wow, I've got some catching up to do.' He knows that being with you would never be a fling, it would be serious, and he needs to just get a little bit of fun out of his system first. And he didn't realize that he was getting left behind. He didn't know that you'd had fun with Krum, and now he feels like he's got to get a move on, because until he does that, he won't be ready for you."

Hermione was quiet for a moment, before frustration welled up inside her again.

"But that's stupid! I don't care how experienced he is!" Hermione nearly shrieked, and Ginny winced at the sound. "I'd rather do everything together for the first time than have to watch him…" Her voice started to shake and she let her sentence hang, unable to complete it.

"I know that, but… Hermione, what if you hadn't gone out with Viktor?" Ginny asked, trying to make her friend understand. "Would you be eager to get into the relationship you knew was going to be the relationship without ever dating, or even kissing, someone else?"

"Wouldn't you trade all the time with Michael and Dean if you could've been with Harry the whole time?" Hermione replied quietly.

Ginny thought carefully for a few seconds, her eyebrows scrunching together the way they always did when she was considering something deeply.

"I don't think I would," she said at last. "Maybe when I was twelve I would have said yes, but Hermione, being with the wrong people has helped me to learn so much. I've learned about myself and what I want from a relationship, I've learned how to get better at doing the relationship thing itself, and yeah, I've learned about the physical stuff too. And somewhere down the road, when I am in whatever relationship ends up being the one, all those things that I've learned are going to be really valuable."

"I guess I just don't see the point in being with anyone else when you already know who that person is," Hermione answered, shaking her head.

"Well, I guess try to think of it this way," Ginny offered, tilting her head a little as she tried to reframe the situation. "Ron just needs a little more time to become that person. He'll get there, and then you two can ride into the sunset together, but he's still growing and developing, and he's just not quite there yet. So I think, for now, you just have to be patient."

"Patience has never been my strong suit," Hermione sighed.

"I know, but this time it has to be," Ginny shrugged.

"How do you know so much about this stuff?" Hermione mused, leaning into her friend.

"It's all those failed relationships," she joked, laughing wryly. "They make me wise."

"It doesn't really hurt any less," Hermione stated, her chest still aching.

"No, it doesn't," Ginny agreed.

They sat there for a while, leaning on each other and picking at the slice of cake with their fingers, not really caring how messy they got. It was nice, in a way, to just sit in the open air under the velvet sky, with just the two of them. It was peaceful, and relaxed, and eventually Hermione's pain faded into the background.

o . o . o

The next morning, Hermione went down to breakfast feeling more at peace and relaxed than she had in weeks. Until she got to the Great Hall and saw Lavender perched on Ron's lap, running her fingers through his hair and looking adoringly at him. The familiar jolt of pain surged through her like an electric shock. But as she walked past, she noticed that Ron looked up at her briefly, his blue eyes following her, boring into her like he was trying to evaluate the damage he was doing.

He wants to make sure he's getting what he needs without hurting me too much, Hermione thought to herself, keeping Ginny's words from the night before in mind. They didn't really make the situation hurt any less, but somehow it was easier to deal with it now.

She offered Ron a small, tentative smile, a peace offering of sorts. He grinned, and Hermione thought he might have even given a small nod of acknowledgement before turning his attention back to Lavender and Parvati.

She slid into the seat across from Harry, still feeling a bit lighter than she did most mornings. Ginny reached around behind Dean's back to grab Hermione's hand and give it a quick squeeze. Sometimes, Hermione supposed, you just needed to borrow a little bit of strength from your companions. It was a good thing she had some pretty bad ass friends.