Eren stared at the window as the sun rose, the light slowly transforming from dim grey to lavender to pink to gold. He didn't know how long it had been, but he watched until the sky was a normal, daytime color. There wasn't very much else to look at, and it was a bit more interesting than the inside of his eyelids. It was too quiet in his empty room. It made him itch to get out and find someone else to have around him, but he couldn't seem to force himself to do it.
He'd slept the night through, as well as half the day before, so he couldn't figure why he felt so tired. That would be great for the Titan hardening tests Hange had planned for that day. He'd been specifically ordered to be well rested. Ugh.
With a sigh, he forced himself to sit up. He felt heavy, like his whole body were made of lead. He rubbed a hand over his eyes.
A knocking sound came from his door and Eren looked up. Mikasa, or maybe Armin, but he'd put money on it being Mikasa. But whomever it was, Eren was grateful for the company, for someone to come and drone out the deafening silence, along with the static of thought in his head.
"Come in," he said to whoever (Mikasa) it was behind the door.
The door opened to Mikasa holding a tray of steaming soup and a piece of bread. Called it.
"How're you feeling?" She asked as she placed the food on his bed and sat in a chair beside him. He could see the worry in her face.
Right, the reason he'd been confined to bed for half the day was because he'd passed out from a profusely bleeding nosebleed. Dammit. He knew he could've done so much more. He knew he could be stronger.
"Fine," he replied, shrugging.
Mikasa nodded, then gestured at the food. "You should eat."
Eren looked back to the food. He'd just noticed it before, how had he forgotten it was there a second later? He nodded, forcing back the sick he felt every time he went to eat anything, and picked up the piece of bread.
"What time is it?" He asked around a mouthful of bread.
"A little after noon," Mikasa replied. "You've been asleep for a day."
Eren just shrugged again. Technically it was less since he'd just been laying awake for most of the morning. Whatever.
It was quiet in the room as Eren ate the food brought to him. Mikasa was, as usual, unobtrusive. She didn't say anything as he worked on finishing the contents of his bowl. He almost wished someone who talked more had come to bring him breakfa- lunch, he really could use a better distraction than quietly eating his food with her sitting silently as if she weren't even there. He glanced at her, beside him in her chair. She was looking down, half her face buried in the scarf. Her hands brought up to hold it against her mouth. She didn't look normal, more perturbed by something.
Eren swallowed a spoonful of soup. "Hey, what's wrong with you?"
Mikasa looked up, almost startled, then looked back down. "I was just thinking about something."
He regarded her warily. He didn't want to seem self absorbed, but he got the distinct impression whatever that 'something' was it had to do with him.
"Oh? What about?" He asked despite himself. Might as well get a conversation going, even if it would be on the side of uncomfortable.
Mikasa looked him in the eye for a second, then back down again. Yep, definitely about him. Dammit.
She frowned at the ground until Eren sat back again, about ready to let it drop.
She took in a breath before speaking once again.
"You..." She started. "You were going to let..."
Eren felt ice slide down his spine. She didn't need to finish what she was saying. He knew. You were going to let Historia eat you.
Still he bristled, but didn't say anything. If she'd read the report, or even just asked Historia, she already knew that. There was no point in asking him too.
"Eren..." Mikasa continued, her voice quiet.
He looked up at her, and his teeth automatically ground together. Shit.
"It didn't happen, so what does it matter?"
Mikasa looked startled, and Eren mostly regretted getting angry. This wasn't something to be angry at her about. The only thing to be mad at her about was that she wasn't minding her own damn business. Which she never did, so this was nothing different.
But he kept on glaring at her until her own face hardened, steely resolve there. Shit again.
"That depends on whether we can trust you not to make such a stupid decision again," She said, ice in her voice. "Seemed like Historia was the only one using their head down there."
Eren looked away this time. Historia had made her decision, yes. Whether it was the right one or the wrong, only time would tell. But sitting here and arguing with Mikasa whether it was or not didn't do anything. He wasn't even sure if it was right or wrong at all.
"I wanted to do what was best for humanity. And if giving up my life for that is the best way to do that, then I will," Eren said, hoping the resolve he felt came across on his tired face.
At that, Mikasa's glare narrowed. Maybe he was too tired for this. Then again, she'd always seen right through him.
"All the evidence we've found says that the first king's memories have consistently changed each descendant's mind about saving humanity. Historia wanted to break the pattern. It doesn't seem like you were trying to do the right thing. It seems like you were trying to find an easy way out."
It almost felt like his heart was trying to stop. Sputtering the way it was in response to Mikasa's accusation. Was that what he'd been trying to do? Would he be lying if he said he hadn't looked at it that way? Eren shuddered at the thoughts. That crushing responsibility he had thrust upon him, the key to humanity's survival. It was such a weight to carry.
"I never asked for any of this," Eren muttered, more to himself than to Mikasa.
He made sure not to look at Mikasa, staring instead with heavy eyes at the corner of the floor the light from the window didn't seem to reach. Any other given moment, he'd clench his fist and spout his resolve, to destroy the titans, to take back humanity's freedom, to give his heart to this cause, but he just didn't have the energy right then. His shoulders slumped and he rubbed a hand over his face. He was just so tired.
Mikasa was quiet beside him, and for a while she didn't say anything. He'd almost forgotten she was there.
"Eren," she began slowly. "I need you to promise me something."
Eren looked up, not just at the words, but at the sound of her voice. It was the same tone she'd had back when he was recovering after fighting Annie in Stohess District. Scared, grasping his hand tight as if she were afraid he was going to disappear. The topic of conversation was similar as well, although he had different reassurances to give to her then. He didn't have those now. It felt like so long ago, but really it was only a few short weeks.
"What?" he asked.
Mikasa looked up, her face open, every emotion she seemed to be feeling laid out right before him. Her eyes shone in the afternoon light. Eren had to blink in startlement at the rawness of it.
"When all this is over, we'll keep on being together, like you said that day facing the titan who took Miss Carla. You and me and Armin, we'll travel the world, just like you've always talked about," Mikasa said quietly. "But to do that, we need to survive, so please… Please, Eren… do everything you can to keep on living."
She wrapped her arms around herself, pushing her face more into her scarf. In the streaming light of the window, Eren could see the moisture filling her eyes.
Eren swallowed dryly, unsure of what to say to that. He knew what he would've said a two months ago: Duh. It wasn't so simple anymore. Everything was so much bigger than him. His life, without the ability his father had… given him… was virtually meaningless. He wasn't strong like Mikasa, he wasn't brilliant like Armin, he wasn't a leader like Commander Erwin, nor was he anything like Captain Levi, 'Humanity's Strongest Soldier'. Whatever benefit he brought to the cause as 'Humanity's Greatest Hope,' wasn't even his. His father had stolen it from Historia's sister, and then forced it on his son…
His stomach lurched at the thought, the thought he usually tried to keep away from his mind, but Mikasa's words brought way too much to the surface way too fast. He hunched in on himself, pressing the back of his hand to his mouth as he tried to will his lunch to stay put.
"Eren!" Mikasa cried, worry in her voice. Her hands reached out, but she didn't touch him. For that, Eren was grateful. His skin was crawling in such a way, he was sure he'd actually puke with the slightest disturbance. "Are you alright?"
He closed his eyes, getting control of himself once more. Shuddering, he leaned back against the wall, but he kept his hand on his face, pressed to his forehead instead of his mouth now. The nausea passed as quickly as it came, leaving behind that sickened feeling that seemed to crawl through him nearly constantly nowadays.
"Yeah, yeah…" Eren waved her off, looking up at her. "It's alright, Mikasa."
The look on Mikasa's face said that she didn't believe him. Which was understandable, he was probably as pale as a freshly-bleached sheet. On top of that, he'd completely evaded her request for his promise (not that he'd intended to, but that's what happened).
"You don't need to worry about me," He said after another moment. "I'm not going anywhere."
That seemed to satisfy her more than his obvious lie. She sat back, looking at the ground once more.
"You should get dressed. The Captain said Squad Leader Hange would be here within the hour," Mikasa said in a flat voice as she stood, her eyes downcast and looking far more perturbed than she had been coming in here. I guess not as satisfied as I thought.
Suddenly, he reached out, nearly not even of his own accord, and grasped her sleeve. It was similar to how he had that day when he'd met her. Why? He asked himself, not even understanding his own actions.
Mikasa stared at him, wide eyed. His hand was clenched in a fist around the end of her sleeve, his knuckles brushing the inside of her wrist. She was a warm, comforting feel, and he just wanted to hold her hand tightly between his own.
Slowly he uncurled his fingers, letting her go.
"I'll see you later then," Eren got out, looking down at his knees with wide eyes.
She stayed for a moment more before turning to leave once more, and Eren resisted the urge to stop her again. The thought of being alone again was almost unbearable, and he didn't know why. Still, he didn't say a word as she walked across the room and shut the door.
Eren layed down again, curling himself towards the wall.
I wonder what she'd wanted me to say, Eren thought, forcing his mind to think of different scenarios for that, rather than of that cave, or Historia and the Reiss family, of his father… No, he'd rather think of what false words he could have said to make Mikasa smile.