Small Town Back Stabber
You know those nights when you step out for a breath of air and it all comes rushing back into your lungs, fresh and frozen, and crystallized like stone? Those nights when the stars shine brightly in the night and the frozen clouds shiver making way for the moon, hoping for some light. The nights that all you want to do is lie down, cry…and then stab a knife in the middle of your chest and die?
The nights that mars comes to life, red and molten, the perfect image of a breaking heart having been ripped apart, strings of flesh still attaching the once beating muscle.
'Take a deep breath, look around you…sooner or later; you'll eventually notice…that…you're all alone…'
Those nights are some of the worse.
Filled with tears, and maybe if you're a little bit lucky, murder on the side.
Don't count your chickens before they hatch…don't expect that you're going to have a happy life, don't be surprised if the one you love the most, stabs you in the back.
It's happened before, who says it won't happen again?
It's happened to me, who says it won't happen to you?
Don't expect, because…expectations only lead to the worst endings. I should know, I've been there. All alone in that deep dark pit, immersed in lukewarm blue that takes over your being. I've been there, and I'm telling you doll-face, it's damn hard to get out.
I'm telling you kitten, there's no one there to toss you a rope, because, face the facts sweet cheeks, no one's going to want you, no one's going to save you, because why?
You, my dear, are unimportant…
You, Baby, are all alone…
Just like me, just like you. We're two pea's in a pod my dear, two pea's in a pod.
Who said that once you moved from the oppressive behavior and Sunday dresses, and all the rule and restrictions, that you were going to be free?
Freedom in the city?
Ha.
Don't make me laugh.
One week, you're starving, two weeks, you're addicted, three weeks you're pregnant, a month later the little lump on your belly is gone, and, here's the truth pretty honey. You're selling yourself in an alley, scraping together all your feeble hunky dory measly small town talents that'll land you a snort and a half-decent alleyway for the night.
When you came back, did you expect clarity? A hug? Maybe a kiss from your old Papa? A warm embrace from your mother, God Rest Her soul—you let her die—did you expect things to be the same? You turn to your old boyfriend; he takes you in for the night. However, just like the others in the city, you're a monster. Moreover, dearest, you're nothing but a common tart.
'Take a deep breath, look around you…'
You'd sell yourself for a bowl of soup, maybe a cheap burger from some greasy joint…
You'd sell yourself even if there was no pay, because after the city, you knew nothing of a small town, knew nothing of the kindness and the friends, and the love…
You knew nothing of what happened to the friends that you turned your back on.
That is what happens when you stab them in the back and leave with your nose turned up, meager savings spent on a boat ride to the seventh level of hell. What happens is, you come back…
And it's their turn now.
Honey, why did you expect truth and kindness? When all you gave them, was a goodbye…and after all, who can care for you after that goodbye, turned into a good riddance?
When you stayed at your old boyfriend's house, did you expect the local librarian to come in twisting a silver ring on her finger and offering him dinner? Did you really expect him to sit there and wait for you?
Outcast…
Whore…
Slut…
You did didn't you? You expected things to stay the same, you expected forgiveness, and what did you get?
A knife set deep into your shoulder.
One hurt for another.
One pain for an anesthetic…
One shot of heroin for another disease.
It's all worth it…
'Look around you…'
Did you expect to hear your mother calling out to you from the dock, Aja, Aja, Aja…? Did you really expect her to die a year after you had left…? Die from the pain of losing someone?
Of losing you?
Did you expect anything different?
Of course you did Darling, that's why you came back, to try and make things different. Things are different, your Mother, she was going to be a grandmother… (The baby was bad for business) Your boyfriend, he might've proposed the day after you left, you're best friend…she might've smiled…
Instead, she drank herself to death.
Damn that Jack Daniels…
And you thought that between the two of you, you'd be the first to kill yourself.
Do you see how much people change when you betray them? Do you see how much people hate themselves—and you— when you use their kindness, their friendship, and shove it back down their throats when you're through?
What I'm getting at is that here, in this town, where all your friends used to chase each other through the streets, and your mother used to call you in at supper time, and you would watch the stars with that special person… In this town where you used to be loved and respected…
Now, after the drugs and abortion and alcohol, and many other things… All they say when you walk down the street is:
"You're trash…"
'Sooner or later'
You'll have to go away again. You opt for another small town, another chance, another life.
The next day, your tongue is swollen, your eyes are bloodshot, and all you can think about is that hit that you've been meaning to take. It's too bad you flushed it down the toilet when you promised to change.
The next week, you're in that alleyway, smoking through a cheap plastic straw, eyes rolled back as your face is flushed in fever. Screw your mother, she never existed, screw your father, he's gone, screw your friends, you'll never go back there again.
This is all you need, the city, the smoke, the sin…
Your mother's voice rings a dull tone in your head as the high takes you into the clouds…Aja…
Your friends, your family…
I love you Aja, Aja…you're my best friend, let's go Aja, can I kiss you Aja, Aja…Aja…Aja…
Calling out to you…
You open your eyelids, choke back a sob, suck harder on the empty straw, and wish for a moment that someone could bring you a nice cup of tea, or maybe some sweet hot milk fresh from the stove. You wish for a moment that you could just lie in the grass and take a nap, or hold his hand, or maybe brush your hand along the waters cool surface, just to see the tiny fish swimming for their lives.
Before things were bad, when you were a child, and there was school and playfulness, warm spring days and cool rainy autumn days, Halloween treats, and packages wrapped in foil under the newly chipped Christmas tree. Back when there was happiness.
'You'll eventually notice…'
In the alleyway, you can catch a glimpse of blurred figures walking back and forth, the walls caving in on both sides. The reeking smell of garbage and yesterdays meager lunch in a liquid pile off to the side, the vibrating of cars on the highway, the smoke of a thousand cigarettes and the screams of a police siren.
The walls start to cave in…
'That…you're all alone…'
You start to ask for help. But, Sweet Cakes, you're in a world where nobody cares…because frankly, you're not their friend…frankly, you've stabbed them all in the back… Because you left them, they left you.
When you're squished between life and death, gasping for air, eyes rolling back into your head, you think of everyone back then. Back when things were simple…
You think about them, and silently start to sob.
You quietly feel the tears rolling down your cheeks…
You take a shuddering breath…
You close your eyes…
Think seriously about screaming…
And conveniently…
Forget to breathe.
A/N
Seriously? I don't like this one very much. But it really did help me get through all these things I've been going through. I've pretty much been in a really angry mood, so this just helped set it off. Expect something a bit nicer coming next.
I had to get my feelings out, and this is the only way I could do it without hurting someone. If you don't have it, Aja is Manna and Duke's Daughter who left small town life for a big adventure in the city. The narrator really isn't anyone significant in the game. It's just me telling the story in a different point of view.
If you have questions, feel free to ask.
TMoh