Of the members of the Mabudachi Trio, Hatori and Shigure were skilled at keeping personal secrets. Hatori due to the ethics of his profession-respecting the privacy of his patients-and Shigure due to his rather twisted personality and, of course, his penchant for scheming.
And Ayame? Not only was Ayame unable to keep a secret, he had no concept of why such a thing was even desirable.
Thus, the day that Mine's home pregnancy test came up blue, his entire email address book received news to that effect. Though the phrase 'news to that effect' is not close to doing the message justice.
To my family, friends and correspondents of all kinds:
Let it be known this day the the mighty sperm of Ayame Sohma has fertilized the precious ovum of Mine Kuramae! Yes, gentle readers, the child that is destined to be the most brilliant of their generation has been conceived! Though medical science has confirmed it, truthfully, your present interlocutor already knew it to be the case from that night in the recent past, when I roughly took Mine's flesh under my own and…
Those who were not that well-acquainted with the couple were shocked at the message excerpted above, and assumed that Mine must have been mortified at its contents. Others who knew better were well aware that Mine, in her own way, was as shameless as her lover, almost to the point of exhibitionism.
The only one to punish Ayame for his message was Hiro Sohma, who slugged the ex-snake in the stomach for using the word "sperm" in front of his girlfriend. Fortunately, Hiro deleted the message from Kisa's email before the sensitive girl got to the parts of the message that were, in a word, pornographic.
That initial message, predictably, served as a portent for messages to come. Certainly there were emails, blog posts, and tweets that any expectant parent might send: pictures of baby clothes, nursery decorations, a radiant (and growing) mother-to-be. Of course, fashion designs for the baby inspired by Gothic Lolita were to be expected from Ayame. And then there was the completely inexplicable: videos of Mine vomiting during her earlier morning-sickness days, logs of her late-night refrigerator raids.
It is sufficient to say that more than one recipient of Ayame's emails was dreading what the flamboyant shop owner had up his (gorgeously hand-stitched) sleeves for the actual childbirth.
"He's a lunatic. He is a complete, barking, nutty, batshit insane lunatic."
"Yeah, and?"
"What, aren't you going to defend your precious commander?"
"Nah. I got tired of contradicting you all the time, Yun-Yun. I thought I'd try agreeing with you instead and see if it annoys you more."
"It doesn't"
"I'll take a note of that."
"Please do."
"Okay, so then instead I'll say 'No, your brother isn't crazy, he's just nervous.'"
"Nervous? Try and tell that to someone who isn't related to him. Nervousness, shame, and self-consciousness are all completely foreign to him."
"Say, Yun-Yun, have you ever heard that Charles Manson was a vegetarian?"
"... what ?"
"No kidding! Vegetarian, didn't drink alcohol, didn't smoke. A real health nut."
"What the hell are you talking about, Kakeru?"
"The Dalai Lama is a vegetarian, too. So in conclusion, Charles Manson and the Dalai Lama are the same person."
"I repeat, what the hell …"
"Different people act in different ways. One vegetarian wins the Nobel Peace Prize, the other leads a crazy murder cult. Different people also react in different ways. You think that if the commander were nervous that he'd react like ordinary nervous people do? There's nothing even vaguely ordinary about him."
"...Dammit."
"The guy is going to be a father, and he feels totally out of his depth. So he's reacting by trying to act his normal fabulous self, but he's overcompensating, ergo, he's behaving like a madman."
'And he still might be nervous that he'll mess up his relationship with his child, like our relationship got screwed up when I was little,' Yuki thought.
"Eh? Yun-Yun? Still there?"
"Yeah. I just had a thought-I think I know the best way to respond to him."
"Ooh, spill."
"I go to a chain retail store and buy baby clothes off-the-rack. The tackiest imaginable."
"I like. Be sure to check the tags and only buy 100% polyester."
Notes: This story was originally written in 2009, and never published before this year. And a few years ago, I misplaced the notebook it had originally been written in, and I feared it was lost.
But I found it, and so this has finally come to light. It is mostly exactly as I had written it nearly 10 years ago, apart from one joke which did Not Age Well, and so was removed.
This story takes place in the latter part of the 00's. Hence the emphasis on email. Modern social media hadn't quite hit its stride at that point.
Obviously this story was written before Fruits Basket Another, but it doesn't contradict that series in any way, so, sure, this could be about when Mine was pregnant with Hibika.
I hope you enjoy.