It's a translation again. I hope it's okay.
I don't own Fairy Tail or the song Trying not to love you by Nickleback, unfortunately.
Trying not to love you
You call to me and I fall at your feet
How could anyone ask for more
And our time apart like knives in my heart
How could anyone ask for more.
But if there's a pill
To help me forget
God knows I haven't found it jet
But I'm dying to
God I'm trying to 'cause
To argue, that he didn't know from the start that his feelings for her run much deeper than morally acceptable, would be a lie. However, he tried his very best to hide his own feelings from himself. She was twelve years old when he met her for the first time, after all. And he was seventeen. Five years! Sometimes he wished that Acnologia hadn't attacked them on their island. Then she wouldn't be five years younger. But you would be two years younger and she wouldn't want you, the rational part of his brain often reminded him. But she don't want me now, too, answered the broken heart. But he wasn't right to be heartbroken. She didn't love him. That was a plain fact. It happened hundredth of times, every day on this planet. He felt deceived, nevertheless.
Later, when he finally dared to talk to his best friend and his so to speak brother, it sounded ludicrous to him. It was only a simple, unreturned, immoral love. But it is still love, Rogue said to him once. So what, he wanted to answer but couldn't. Because he knew that Rogue was right – like always. But as much as he wanted her to be his, he wasn't allowed to ask for her. She was twelve, he was seventeen. But he couldn't leave her alone completely. So he decided to become her contact person, her good friend and her brother. Without thinking about the consequences.
Trying not to love you
Only goes so far
And trying not to need you
Is tearing me apart
Can't see the silver lining
From down here on the floor
And I just keep on trying
But don't know what for
'cause trying not to love you
Only makes me love you more
While she grew older, she fell in love. Not with him, of course; he had to admit bitterly that things weren't this easy. But it got worse. The last two years, he had fought for a place by her side. Maybe it wasn't the place he truly wished for, but it was better than nothing. When she asked him for his opinion about love matters for the first time, the hope that was left shattered. He needed all of his willpower to not ask her for the name and turn this guy upside down. He found out the name anyway. Romeo. Teeth grinding, he had to admit that it might had gotten much worse.
One year long she adored him from afar. And he endured it more or less well. But one day before her fifteenth birthday he became weak for the first time. She came to him to ask for some good advice because she had a date with Romeo on her birthday. He had answered to all of her questions without letting his inner displeasure shown. But when she eventually asked him to show her how to kiss, something inside him stirred awake. There was something he could beat Romeo to. Dazzled from greed and jealousy he couldn't form a rational thought anymore. He had wrapped one hand around her waist to bring her body as close as possible to his. His other hand was buried in her long hair. Sighing, his lips covered hers. He kissed her restlessly and longingly. When the touch of her lips wasn't enough for him anymore he conquered her mouth. Her tongue was soft and tentative and she tasted incredibly sweet. When her hands came to rest on his chest, he pushed her onto his bed to fully posses her. Her body felt awesome below him and he moaned. And suddenly he came to his senses again and pushed himself off of her. Her lips were red and swollen, her hair was a mess and her eyes looked at him inquiringly. He send her away and vent his wrath on his furniture.
When Rogue found him later sitting in a heap of ruins that once where their furniture, he seemed to know what happened. One mistake in three years, he explained Rogue with an indifferent expression. Stop denying it from yourself, was Rogues answer. And he was right – once again.
And this kind of pain only time takes away
That's why it's hard to let you go
Nothing I can do without thinking of you
That's why it's hard to let you go
But if there's a pill
To help me forget
God knows I haven't found it jet
But I'm dying to
God I'm trying to 'cause
He wanted to apologize for the kiss. He really wanted but when he saw her the next day, Romeo was holding her hand. It was a great effort to swallow the jealousy and he didn't dare speak to her afterwards. His gaffe was embarrassing enough, but when she saw him like that – hurt and eaten away by jealousy – he couldn't stand it. He didn't want to give up the place by her side. Even when she didn't love him, maybe never would, he wanted to have the chance to watch over her at close range. To take his mind off of her, Rogue suggested a mission. That said mission would take him away from her for nearly five month strait, wasn't known by him when he agreed.
When he saw her the next time, she was sitting on Romeos lap and looked really grown up. The jealousy that was silent within him for the last five month suddenly made itself noticeable again. It weaved through his guts, burning hot and acidly. But he had learned to withstand these emotions. At least he supposed that he did. Teeth grinding, he turned away and didn't look in her direction anymore. Three days later she spoke to him. Why, she asked and he thought about a way to confess the kisses background to her when she spoke anew. Why didn't you say good-bye? He felt like his heart was made of glass and she hit it with a hammer over and over again. The shards dug in his throat and prevented him from saying anything. He still had raised his hopes. He wasn't able to learn. You're not denying it from yourself anymore, said a voice in the back of his head that sounded ominously like Rogue.
Trying not to love you
Only goes so far
And trying not to need you
Is tearing me apart
Can't see the silver lining
From down here on the floor
And I just keep on trying
But I don't know what for
'cause trying not to love you
Only makes me love you more
Frowning, Rogue looked at him during breakfast. He didn't need to say something; after all these years they spend together they could communicate without words. Because it feels good, he explained. You're using one after the other, Rogue criticized. It helps to forget, he explained. And it leaves me dreaming, he added in silence. And he hated Rogue for reading his thoughts on his face.
A year later, she suddenly appeared on his doorsteps. It was raining cats and dogs and she was soaking wet. He let her into the flat, brought her a towel and searched his closet for clothes that might fit her. After she was dried off and got a tea to drink, they sat on his bed and she told him about the argument. It wasn't her first argument with Romeo, he knew that. But it was the first argument that brought her to his door in the middle of the night during a downpour. Two years ago he would've gotten his hopes up that there could be more between them. He only felt resignation by now. As much as he desired her, she would never belong to him and he would be left dreaming of her night after night and searching for satisfaction with possible substitutions of her. While she told him about Romeos faults and their misunderstandings, he wished that she had never come in the first place. You kissed me, too, she remarked suddenly. He looked at her incredulously. She always pretended that the kiss back then never happened more than a year long. And now she wanted to talk about it. And, he simply answered. You didn't like it, she sounded depressed. He gulped and scratched his neck embarrassed. This isn't about whether I liked it or not, but about it being not right, he sighed. She looked at him quizzically. He cleared his throat. You were fifteen and I was twenty. I shouldn't have kissed you. That was… He didn't get the chance to finish his sentence because her lips covered his. Her lips gently moved on his and he only noticed that she pushed him on his bed when his back touched his mattress. He sighed and buried his hands in her hair. It was ethically still completely wrong, but it didn't stop him from enjoying it.
So I sit here divided
Just talking to myself
Was it something that I did?
Was there somebody else?
When a voice from behind me
That was fighting back tears
Sat right down beside me
Whispered right in my ear
Said I've been dying not to tell you
When Rogue found her in his bed the next day he didn't say something about it and he was grateful about it. They had kissed for a long time the last night and her body had been nuzzled against his eventually. He was surprised when he discovered that she wasn't a little girl anymore. Her curves hugged his body gentle. He pushed her away from him carefully and looked her deep in the eyes. I'm sorry, he whispered to her, but I love you. I always have. She put a finger on his mouth and smiled. I know, she smirked. He looked at her bewildered. She just shrugged expressionless and placed a quick kiss on his mouth. But it doesn't matter, she explained, because I love you, too. Warmth trickled through his heart and the shards she had impacted month ago grew together again. But I'm five years older than you, he argued hesitantly. She just shrugged again. Our age is only a number. I don't care, she reassured him. When he asked her about Romeo, she smiled weary and shook her head. That was enough for him, for now.
I really wonder how she knew about my feelings, he mused out loud. Caught, Rogue put his mug down on the table and walked to the door. No clue, he mumbled embarrassed and wanted to hurry out of the room when she walked through the door and winked at him conniving.
That trying not to love you
Only went so far
And trying not to need you
Was tearing me apart
Now I see the silver lining
And what we're fighting for
If we just keep on trying
We could be much more
'cause trying not to love you
Ya trying not to love you
Only makes me love you more