Lie
After a hard day of work where I was called to a crime scene where a woman was shot, I was on my way back to the agency. Atsushi and Dazai accompanied me, due to my lack of orientation sense. They were walking some steps behind me, close enough so I could hear what they were talking about. "Ranpo truly is really great!" I felt proud as Atsushi said that. I mean of course I'm great, I'm Ranpo the greatest detective in history after all. "Oh, I could've figured out half of it by myself too!" I heard Dazai talking. "But Ranpo must've caught a lot more details than I ever hoped to." "The ability of his must be one of the best and most useful one's, no?" "Oh right you don't know it yet Atsushi." "Know what?" Atsushi asked. I also was interested. Know what about me? My ability? "Ranpo does not have an ability, though even he himself seems to believe it. While he put on his glasses I touched his hair and as you might know can no ability be used while I touch a part of their body, no matter how strong this ability may be. He could still solve the case which tells us that it was his mere intelligence and deduction skill and not some ability. You know he has solved many cases before and he has never been wrong either. And you know despite his looks he is already 26! He is just a normal person with great skills. You might understand now why he is never admonished at the agency, even with that attitude of his. We all respect him, we know that his 'Ultra deduction' is not an ability. We might also kind of fear him." I was shocked. My Ability… wasn't real? The people at the Agency were just nice to me and never said anything against my behaviour because they feared my skill? How was I so dumb to not notice I was not an ability user?! What do the Agency members really think about me? Probably that I was just an adult that had never grown up from being a 6 year old boy who plays detective. That's pitiful. I'm pitiful. My eyes widened and I froze in plays. I didn't want Atsushi and Dazai to notice so I turned around and yelled: "Hey I can't find the way back to the Agency on my own!"
I tried to put on my everyday behaviour when I went to the Agency the next morning. It somehow worked, no one seemed to notice any change about me. I actually didn't want to come here in the first place, but I figured it would be suspicious. But as soon as I saw the other members I felt sadness and anger, but also some kind of shame crawl up inside me. I tried to calm myself but it wouldn't work. I opened up a bottle of Ramune and sat down on a table. One of the part-time workers walked towards me. "Ranpo, would you take this case?" she asked with a sugary sweet voice and gave me a case file. This was the point where I couldn't control my feelings anymore. "Hell I do!" I yelled and threw the file in her face. She fell on the ground, I glared at her and left, completely ignoring the stares of the other members. While running home I felt hot tears in my eyes. Luckily Atsushi hasn't been at the Agency when all this happened. I would've been very embarrassed if he had seen me like this.
When I arrived at my apartment I immediately locked all the doors and windows so it seemed like no one was at home. Then I sat down in a corner cried. Only thinking about my stupid and worthless self that had believed to have an ability and all the members of the agency that had lied to ever since I joined them.
~ Atsushi~
When I arrived at the agency today I was already prepared for Dazai and Kunikida to have some stupid argument again, but to my surprise everything was silent when I entered. All the members were sitting in a small circle. Dazai walked up to me as soon as he had noticed me coming inside. His face was unusually serious and worried. "Atsushi, I have a question." he said in a serious tone. "What is it?" I asked him. "I… no… we would want to know whether you have heard anything from Ranpo this morning, like did he call or messaged you or anything?" "Um… no he didn't… why are you asking? Did something happen?" I said, slightly worried. "Well, you see, there was an incident this morning, involving Ranpo and since you two are dating we figured he might've gotten in touch with you after that." Dazai responded. "He didn't get in touch with me… but um could I maybe take the day off and go visit him to look if everything's alright?" I asked in a shaky voice. I really wanted to see him and make sure everything was alright. "Sure, go." Dazai said. "Tell us everything when you come back, okay?" I simply nodded and quickly left the building. On my way to Ranpo's apartment I could only think about him. I really hoped that everything was okay and that nothing bad had happened. When I arrived at Ranpo's place, everything looked like no one was at home. I rang the door bell several times, but even after an hour there was still no sign of Ranpo. Before returning to the Agency, I left a small note saying: "Ranpo, please message me as soon as you read this note. I'm worried about you are you alright? -Atsushi"
At the Agency I told everyone what had happened. They seemed more or less worried but decided to go on with their everyday work. I couldn't continue work, so I went home and hoped that Ranpo would message me soon.
A week had passed and Ranpo still didn't respond nor did he show up at work. No one of us knew his reason for doing so, we could only speculate. It was hard without Ranpo. Not only was he needed at work but I also missed him on a personal level, I missed his voice and warm body. I just wanted to be happy together with him, see his smile and beautiful eyes…
But I could only dream of them.
Fukuzawa decided that when Ranpo would not appear to work within the next week he would look for a new detective, though this decision was hard even to him.
I wrote Ranpo everyday what had happened at work and how much I missed him. I hoped that he might come to work again after hearing this. But he didn't.
~Ranpo~
I had locked myself in for two months now, only went out at night to buy food and such things. I had started to self harm. It was the only thing that could make me feel better for a short time, even though later I felt even more worthless. I was still angry at my stupid self and the agency. The people who had lied to me all this time. I bet they didn't even miss me. Except for Atsushi who wrote me everyday what had happened that day and how much he missed me. I missed him too but I couldn't let him see this pitiful side of me.
At first, around the first two weeks where I was missing from work, two or three members of the agency would visit my home every evening to look whether I was home. I never opened the door, nor gave them any sign of me being home and alive. After two weeks they stopped coming. Only Atsushi stopped by at my place every other day. Today he would come again. It was shortly after 7pm when I heard the door bell. It was Atsushi. Normally he would wait for an hour while remaining silent or eventually call out my name. This day was different. I heard sobbing noises from outside. Atsushi was crying. With a broken voice he started talking; "Ranpo … I know you're here. Please open the door! I miss you so much. Please let me see your face one more time. Ranpo please!" I looked through the small hole in the door. Atsushi was sitting in front of my door, sobbing and crying while begging me to open the door. My eyes then wandered to the mirror next to the door. In the mirror I could see the reflection of myself. I had eye bags, my skin was sickly pale and my hair greasy, my body covered in cuts and scars. "Ranpo, I beg you! Open the door please!" Atsushi almost screamed those words. I just wanted to return to the living room as I heard him whisper:" Ranpo… I still love you." I froze. I felt tears running down my cheek. I couldn't stand hearing Atsushi cry like this. I opened the door and hugged him while still crying.
~ Atsushi~
I was sitting in front of Ranpo's door, crying and begging him to open the door. I first didn't notice that he came out. I first noticed it when he hugged me and I felt his hot tears on my shoulder. I started petting his greasy, black hair. We sat there in silent, crying and hugging each other for a long time even when it started raining we were still sitting here, until I broke the silence. "Ranpo… could we… go inside? We're all wet from the rain and it's getting cold." He first didn't respond, then nodded slightly. I helped him to stand up, his body was light and he looked very frail. I helped him to walk to the living room where we sat down. His house was dark and smelled like alcohol. I went to the bathroom to get some towels, then went to Ranpo's bedroom to get dry clothes. I helped him to get changed and dried his hair and skin with a towel, I then did the same with my hair. While getting him changed I noticed the countless cuts and scars on his pale, very sick looking skin. His eyes looked almost lifeless and were swollen red from all the crying, not to mention the eye bags. He really looked terrible and sick. We laid down on the couch together, his head on my chest. I began to talk again: "W-would you tell me what happened? Why you didn't come to work and why did you never answer any of my messages? I was really worried… and I really missed you…" "I…I…" Ranpo tried to talk but tears blocked his throat. "Ranpo it's okay. You don't have to tell me now. Take your time. Now rest a bit we can still talk tomorrow." Ranpo looked at me with his big eyes, which were filled with tears and nodded.
I woke up pretty early the next morning. Ranpo was still lying on top of me, sleeping. He looked cute while sleeping, even with his sickly appearance. I looked closer at his scars. It seemed like he had cut himself. Whatever it was that bothered him, it must've hit him really hard. I smiled sadly and whispered: "I'm always here for you, I love you."
I spent another hour or so just lying here staring at the ceiling. I then got up, careful not to wake up Ranpo, and went to the kitchen to make something for breakfast. There wasn't much inside the fridge, but enough to make some Omurice.
~Ranpo~
I must've fallen asleep, then when I woke up I was lying on the couch. I couldn't see Atsushi but I smelled something delicious. The smell was coming from the kitchen. I decided to get up and go to the kitchen. When I entered the kitchen I saw Atsushi cooking something. He didn't seem to have noticed me so I walked up to him and hugged him from behind. He seemed rather surprised. "O-oh Ranpo I didn't know you were already awake! G-good morning." Atsushi blushed a bit. "Good morning" I said "What are you cooking?" I asked him after some seconds of silence. "I decided to make some Omurice with what was left in the fridge." "Oh~ nice!" I said. "Um Ranpo… you can take a shower if you want, the food will still take some time." I nodded and left the kitchen. When I entered the bathroom I was surrounded by mirrors. I couldn't avoid seeing my sick looking body and the scars that were all over the skin. I yet again remembered my worthlessness.
After I finished the shower I went back to the kitchen and sat down on one of the chairs without saying a word. Atsushi put my plate with the Omurice in front of me and sat down on the opposite side of the table. We ate in silence, and cleaned the kitchen in silence. Neither of us dared to break this silence. After finishing to clean up Atsushi was about to leave but then broke the silence and said: "Ranpo, how about you come to work tomorrow again? We got some new members… and I bet everyone would be happy to see you again." I just shrugged and mumbled: "Yeah maybe…" Then Atsushi gave me a quick kiss and left. I went back inside and looked into the mirror. I still looked pathetic and sick. I quickly went to the bedroom and laid down on the bed and started crying. I didn't know why… but the tears didn't stop.
When I woke up next morning it was already 1pm. My eyes were even more red from the tears. I washed my face and then decided to visit the Agency. It was Atsushi's wish after all.
When I arrived there, everyone was already inside. I could see through the little window in the door. Everyone was smiling and happy, carrying on their everyday life as always. I didn't feel welcome at all. I just wanted to leave as I heard an unfamiliar voice. "Oh! Are you new here or so? My name is Katsuo and I'm the Armed Detective Agency's great detective!" I was shocked. The Agency already had a new detective? Fine. Then who cares? They apparently don't need me anymore. I probably am way to childish and pathetic anyways. "I must be at the wrong address." I said in a sharp voice and went away. I was just walking through the building as I heard weird noises coming from one of the normally empty rooms. I went closer. The door was slightly open so I could peek inside. What I saw in there broke my heart into thousand pieces. In there was Atsushi making out with someone I couldn't identify. Tears started to fill my eyes. I started crying. My chest hurt. "A-atsu..shi?" I stuttered while tears started streaming down my face. "Eh? R-Ranpo?" Atsushi whispered and pushed the person away. Then he said: "R-Ranpo, it's not what you think it is! H-he forced me to do this!" "How am I supposed to believe you?!" I screamed, tears running down my cheeks. 2P-please Ranpo believe me!" I saw tears in his eyes, but I just couldn't believe him. I ran away, far away. And did what had to be done. My only way out, the only option I had left, the thing that would finally bring me freedom from my pitiful, worthless and pathetic self.
And so I did it.
~ Epilogue~
~ Atsushi~
Today was the day of my beloved boyfriends funeral. My boyfriend Ranpo. The one I loved more than anything in this world, the one I loved more than myself. The love of my life whose death was my and only my fault.
I cried. I couldn't stop crying, not since he had taken his own life. No one was able to cheer me up.
I just couldn't live on without him. It was impossible, he was the reason I was living each new day.
But now that this reason had vanished from my life I saw no reason in continuing to live. There simply was no way for me.
And so I was buried next to my beloved boyfriend, so that we could be together forever.
If he ever forgives my doings.