SILENT TEARS

She didn't know why she'd said it.

He had just stood there shouting at her, telling her that she'd messed it up. It was mad, him being disappointed in her but it came out before she could stop it.

"I had it, okay? I had the fucking abortion!"

He stopped shouting. She saw a flicker of a smirk cross his face.

"You had the abortion?"

"That's what I fucking said!"

"Good. Well now you can stop moping around and wasting your life"

"Oh, don't you worry about that. I haven't ruined it after all. Happy?"

Sighing, he shook his head and turned around.

"Fuck it" She laughed at the irony of it all. "What is it, hmm? Am I never good enough for you? Ace and Lynton do nothing but sit around making up t-shirt slogans and silly little raps. But me, I can never do good enough just because I look like her. And then you had to bring her round to get me to do what you want. It's always what you want. You always said Chris and me never had a future. You actually wished for it! Well, I guess you got what you wanted. Fuck, it's his funeral tomorrow."

He didn't turn back. He just stood there, motionless.

"What a great dad you are eh? Remember when she went? You said...you said that you'd always keep bad stuff from happening. But you didn't, did you? You couldn't"

"Jal"

"Shut up. Only Chris made anything better. And now he's gone and I'm stuck with you."

"Calm down, okay Jal..."

"Piss off. Just leave me alone"

Jal watched as her father slowly left the hallway. She stood there in front of the doorway, shaking with anger, memories of all of their fights replaying in her mind. And then her mind changed to better memories, and worse ones. Chris.

--

Silent tears rolling down her face, Jal slumped against her bedroom door. Before she could help it, she started to sob violently, her head shaking in her hands.

"Why did you leave me Chris? Was it so hard to keep off the spliff? I...I don't know what to do without you."

She knew that she couldn't go back on what she'd said now. "Why did I tell him that?" she whispered to herself. Jal cursed under her breath.

"Shit. Shit! Why the fuck did I tell him that? Chris, help me! What do you want me to do?"

She closed her eyes, willing his arms to suddenly wrap around her. She hated herself for thinking it, but she would have given anything, anyone just to bring him back. She wished bitterly that it was Tony who had died, someone else's boyfriend. Or Cassie. What had Cassie done apart from get in the way, and then abandon Chris when he needed her the most? Cassie hadn't bothered to tell anyone, to wait for the ambulance. She had just fucked off somewhere with their lucky coin, somewhere that nobody knew about. If it wasn't for Cassie, then maybe her Chris would still be here, and then maybe she could have faced up to her dad better, without telling lies, disgusting lies.

"I would have moved in with you, you know Chris. I should have when you went to hospital the first time. I shouldn't have ever left you. It's all my fault that you're not here, that I got pregnant and that now I've told Dad that I'm not."

She imagined his response, "Course it's not babe. It's fucking fate's fault or something. "

She laughed under her breath, but she couldn't shake the indescribable feeling that nothing was ever going to be right again. She had fulfilled all the things that she'd ever wanted: reaching the final of BBC Young Musician of the Year; becoming the best clarinettist in the country; as petty as it sounded, managing to stand out with friends like Michelle and Maxxie who were always in the spotlight. But for all her talents and achievements, Jal felt empty. And the only thing that really mattered to her was gone, and she couldn't get him back.

She felt sick suddenly. She chucked her pyjamas into her bag, a bag which she bitterly remembered had been bought for her by Chris for her fifteenth birthday, before he started doing drugs more often than once or twice a year.

The tears started coming again. Crystal clear, pear-shaped and perfect, they ran down her face, falling onto her lap. Snot was plastered to her skin but Chris wasn't there to mop it up this time.

Gingerly, she folded her black dress and put it in her bag for the funeral. She knew that Chris wouldn't have wanted her to wear black but she couldn't bring herself to pick any of her other dresses. All of them held memories that reminded her of him. This black one was the only dress she had that didn't make her feel freer, more like herself. It made her wallow in her misery; blame herself and everyone around her for all of her bad luck.

She slammed the bedroom door behind her and set off down the stairs. She ignored Ace and Lynton's stares as she crossed the kitchen to get to the back door.

"Jal..."

"Please Ace. Just leave it"

"Did you really have the abortion?"

Jal looked into her brothers' faces. They seemed to reciprocate her dread, not wanting to believe that their sister could have done it.

"Yeah. I got rid of my baby"

Shit! She had to lie to them too now. She couldn't tell anyone the truth. She'd fucked up everything now.

"Look Jal, don't go. We'll come with you tomorrow"

"Lynton, I don't want you to fucking come. I can cope by myself. Without Mum, without you and now without Chris. "

"Sis-"

"I'm going to Michelle's. We're going out tonight"

She opened the back door and ran out quickly before they could stop her. She hated herself for being such a bitch. She had become everything that she and Chris hated – a compulsive liar and a cold-hearted cow.

--

Jal got Sid to go on the bus with her. They sat in silence because they both knew how it felt to lose the people that mattered to them the most. Apart from them, the bus was completely empty; the only sound was the wheels turning and the faint hum of the road. Anyway, Jal was scared of being on her own all the time. Tony was probably at Michelle's and Sid could get rid of him for her. Unfortunately for Jal, soon Sid started being, well...Sid.

"You alright Jal?"

"I'm fucking fabulous Sid"

"Sorry, I just...wondered"

"Hmmm"

"So, looking forward to tomorrow?"

She turned to look at him, raising her eyebrow

"I guess not"

"You ever hear from Cassie, Sid?"

Sid looked at Jal, noticing her puffy eyes and how vulnerable she looked. Since Chris died, nobody knew how to talk to her. Fuck, nobody knew how to talk to her from the very start of Chris's illness. When he was in hospital, they couldn't do anything but watch her. She stayed there for weeks, sat by his side waiting for him to magically wake up and be better forever. Once, Sid, Maxxie and Anwar had sneaked in at nightime to bring Chris some vodka, only to find the both of them curled up inside the hospital bed together. Jal had been asleep, not realising that Chris was lying awake, stroking her hair and wishing that he was better for her. The boys had left quickly before Jal and Chris had realised they were there. It seemed unfair to intrude on the little time they had left together in between all the nurses, doctors and visitors.

"Nah, she's being a complete pillock"

"Sid!"

"Yeah well, maybe she shouldn't have buggered off to wherever the fuck she is"

"Maybe"

"Jal..."

"Yes Sid?"

"It's not your fault, you know"

"My fault?"

"We all know that something else's been going on with you but whatever it is, it's not your fault that he's gone. When my Dad died-"

"Sid! Shut up! There's nothing going on with me, okay? Apart from the fact that the best friend I ever had's died and that all of my other pucking friends have pissed off and started treating me like a bloody alien, everything's hunky dory."

"Pucking?"

"It's a long story"

They looked at eachother and started laughing. For a moment, Jal forgot all about Chris, the baby and her lies.

As the bus pulled up at their stop, they pulled themselves together and picked up Jal's bags. When Michelle answered the door, she was wearing some flimsy, green sparkly micro-dress.

"Shit Jal, you shouldn't be carrying all of that"

"Shut the fuck up 'Chelle," Jal whispered angrily when she passed Michelle, "I'm not a fucking invalid"

"Tony's in the lounge, Sid"

"Right. I'll just, erm...go, then."

They watched Sid sidle off into the nearby room, shuffling his feet and muttering under his breath.

"So, you want to go to my room?"

Jal shrugged and followed Michelle down the blank white corridor. Thankfully, Michelle had figured out how to work the blinds, so for once they weren't actually exposing her to the world.

"Are you alright, Jal?"

"hmm"

Michelle watched Jal, sitting in the corner of her room. It was so strange; normally Jal was the grown-up one, who always knew what to do and what to say. Now everything was different. Jal had no idea what to do, and for once Michelle realised and wasn't just dreaming about her latest date with Tony.

"I'm sorry, Jal"

"What for?"

"Well, for not being there, I guess. And for messing everything up with Cassie and Sid. And for... making you tell Chris. I didn't - "

"It doesn't matter 'Chelle"

"Oh, well, I'm sorry anyway"

"It doesn't matter"

Jal clenched her teeth, wishing that she hadn't come here, that she had gone to Chris's flat instead.

"Do you want to go out?"

"Sure"

"Well, we could go to that bar, the new one in town. Actually, that's probably not a very good idea, is it, with the ba-"

"Club's good," Jal forced herself to smile, "This dress okay?"

Michelle glanced at Jal's dishevelled green dress and knee-high yellow socks. Her eyes were puffy and red and her lip gloss had long since worn off. Still, she knew Jal would hate to have to get changed in her current mood, and Michelle didn't even know if her clothes would fit Jal anymore.

"Course it is, Jal. Let's get your make-up sorted, yeah?"

--

Jal sat at the bar, swilling a mouthful of pineapple juice. Michelle was dancing with Tony to some 'up-and-coming, hot new band' and Sid was talking to Maxxie, Anwar and James about, what Jal suspected, her.

"You alright?"

A tall, red-haired girl was staring down at her. Jal ignored her, but she sat down next to her anyway.

"You don't seem very pleased to meet me"

Jal glanced at the girl, shook her head and took another gulp of pineapple juice.

"You're friendly aren't you? Anyone would think something terrible had happened to you"

"Hmmm"

"Hey, are you that Ronnie Fazer's daughter?"

Jal stared at the girl, who seemingly had not caught the message that Jal wanted her to piss off.

"Unfortunately"

"Your dad's mint! Can you get him to listen to my demo CD?"

"He'll just want to shag you. And screw you over. Like he does for everyone else."

"Shit. Not so friendly then?"

"Look, can you just go away? I'm not really in the mood for pleasantries"

"Jeez, what's up with you?"

Jal scoffed

"Why should I tell you? Some stroppy little tart who's only interested in getting my dad to produce her shitty little CD"

"Oi! You're a real bitch, you know?"

"Yeah well, maybe you'd be a real bitch if your boyfriend had a), not bothered to tell you he was dying, b), just happened to forget that he was suffering from acute brain trauma so smoked a bloody spliff and c), died as a fucking result. That good enough for you?"

The girl was silent. So was everyone around them.

"Fuck!"

Jal ran out of the club, not bothering to tell anyone where she was going.

Michelle and Tony wandered over to Sid and Anwar, who were watching Maxxie and James dancing extremely energetically on the dancefloor.

"Where's Jal, Sid?"

"Dunno"

"Anwar?"

"Oh, I think she went outside for a mo"

"Outside?"

"Yeah. She looked a bit upset actually"

"Course she's fucking upset, An! Shit, I was meant to be looking after her. "

--

Jal got her key out and tried to open the door. She didn't know where else to go, but her key didn't work.

"Fuck. Fuck!"

She fiddled with the lock but it didn't work. Jal banged on the door, kicked it and even attempted to open it from the inside via the postbox.

"Shit!"

"What's the matter Jal?"

Jal spun round and saw Effy sitting on the plastic railings, carrying a bottle of vodka and a spliff.

"I can't get in"

"The council came and changed the locks this morning. Tony said"

Effy took a drag of the spliff and breathed out the smoke in hearts, which seemed to break in half before disappearing into the air. Jal stared at her, noticing how Effy always seemed to demand the attention of the world around her naturally, like Tony did before the accident.

"What are you doing here Effy?"

"Just hanging around. Got some stuff to sell"

Effy took a small plastic bag filled with white powder out of her top and dangled it in front of Jal

"Want some?"

"No."

"Sure? It'll take all your worries away "

Effy looked straight into Jal's eyes, daring her to rise to the challenge.

"It's okay, thanks. I'll just stay here"

"Up to you"

"Yeah. So's everything else"

Effy wandered off, and walked to a huddle of boys in the park . Swearing, Jal wished that the locks hadn't been changed. She peered in, and noticed that his stuff was still in the flat and his drug packets were still on the wall. Jal picked up a nearby brick. She would never have done this a few months ago, but all she could think about now was getting inside. She hurled the brick at the window, but she wasn't strong enough to leave more than a crack on the yellowy, smoke stained glass.

"Bugger!"

It started to rain, and soon Jal was left sitting at the blue front door, sobbing in the pouring rain.

"Just come back Chris. What the fuck were you thinking, leaving me here to deal with this mess? It's not fair, you know. Ace and Lynton won't be able to trust me again after what I told them. And sometimes the only thing I can think about doing is ending it all."

"Jal..."

Michelle was standing in front of her, a stripy pink umbrella over her head.

"Help me 'Chelle"

Michelle sat down in the puddles next to Jal and put her arms around her. It was the first time in weeks that Jal had let anyone touch her.

"I don't know what to do without him. Everything's turned to shit."

"Did you throw that brick at the window?"

Jal glanced up at Michelle, her tears glistening in the moonlight.

"Yeah, I couldn't get in"

"You really loved him, didn't you?"

"Yeah. I really love him 'Chelle"

They sat there for ages, Michelle being a good friend for once, and just staying. Jal cried in her arms, the umbrella trying to keep their hair dry, even though they were soaking wet already.

"Can we go home now 'Chelle?"

"Yeah Jal, let's go home"

--

Jal had lain awake all night. She felt terrible about everything: the argument with her dad; telling Ace and Lynton that she'd had the abortion; telling that annoying girl in the pub to piss off. But most of all she couldn't shake the thought that maybe it was her fault that Chris died. If she had been there more, stayed with him that night, then maybe it would have turned out differently. She couldn't forget his face when she told him that she was pregnant. For just one second he looked bewildered before breaking out into the most excited, Chris-y smile. She had only seen him that happy once before, and that was when they first got together. Telling Chris that she was probably going to get rid of it was horrible. She'd never seen him look so disappointed and upset at the same time. It was even worse than when they went to see Mary and Peter's grave. Being Chris, he'd tried to cover it up, but it was too late. Jal knew that she had really hurt him, more than his parents did, more than Angie, even. For half an hour, they had just sat together on the sofa, Chris holding her in his arms. He kept breathing more quickly and hugging her tighter, as if he was trying to get her to change her mind. The problem was, was that Jal's mind was already undecided, and it just made everything harder. She'd known that whatever she did with the baby would change their relationship forever.

Afterwards, she had to let herself back into the flat because she'd left her mobile on the table next his room. Jal heard what Chris had said, but more importantly, what Cassie said,

"You could make her change her mind"

Jal snatched up her phone, ran out the flat and kept running all the way home. Then she had to sit there talking with her dad for an hour, recounting how her audition went that afternoon. As if either of them really cared about that.

Could she really cope with a kid now, on her own?

"Jal?"

Jal realised that Michelle had been watching her, her hand resting on Jal's shoulder. Jal ignored her. She didn't want to be reminded of what had happened the previous night, and what was going to happen today. Instinctively, Jal began to rub her stomach, wishing that somehow it could bring him back, like some sort of paternal link. She knew that deep down, she didn't want to have an abortion, especially after Chris's reaction to the news. But she probably had to now, having told her dad, Ace and Lynton that she had. Suddenly, she felt scared again and the problem about the baby just seemed to get bigger and worse. Jal wanted only one person, but she couldn't have him. She didn't want to listen to Michelle trying to get her out of bed for the funeral.

"Have you ever climbed inside a duvet cover?"

They pulled the sheets over their heads and Jal and Michelle snuggled inside the duvet, Jal wrapping Michelle's arms around her stomach. Jal wished and wished that it was Chris behind her and not Michelle. It finally dawned on her that Chris really was never going to come back, she was never going to feel his lips on hers or his arms around her or even just hear him breathing next to her in bed. Jal didn't want to think about the baby. She had to get rid of it now; she didn't think she could bear having to look after a kid who looked just like him, or even have to go through the whole thing again, if it had inherited the same illness. Michelle was jabbering about how "nice" it was inside the duvet. Jal hated how her friend always seemed nervous and protective around her now. It made her angry and even more upset, which didn't seem possible. Her mind flickered back to the argument with her dad, and she knew that now she could never go back to what it was like before Chris.

"I had the abortion"

"I would have come with you"

"No. I needed to do it alone"

Immediately, Jal hated herself for lying to Michelle too, but it seemed like no-one understood anymore. If she did have an abortion, she didn't want anyone else there – she was too ashamed to think she was going to get rid of the one thing she had left of Chris. Maybe if she actually did it, it wouldn't exactly undo her lies, but it would make them, well, more true.

--

Michelle had convinced Jal to go to the zoo. Of course, Jal's mind wandered back to the baby. Michelle had been odd around her all morning, talking about anything but Jal, Chris and the abortion. Jal was sick of it. She knew that Michelle thought that she'd done – or was going to do – the wrong thing.

"You think I've made a mistake, don't you?"

Jal wanted her to say yes, to convince her that she should have kept it, and then Jal could turn round and say that actually, she hadn't had the abortion after all and then maybe Michelle could help her confess to her dad and brothers. Jal tried to catch her eye, but Michelle didn't look at her until the last moment.

"No. I think you've made the hardest decision that I've known anyone to make"

"Shit," Jal thought, "what the fuck am I meant to do now?

She shook her head and chucked her ice cream, but it didn't relieve her frustration. She shouted at Michelle, and got dragged to the aquarium; for the first time in weeks, Jal laughed properly. It was the first time since Chris's jokes that Jal laughed without scoffing or being bitter.

"Fuck it!"

Jal managed to forget about her problem all morning. Michelle convinced her to wear one of her purple dresses and Jal knew that forgetting about Chris really wasn't the right way to send him off. It was unbelievable what Sid and Tony had done, but Jal felt like this was the way Chris would have liked it. It wasn't until they read out their results that Jal remembered. Two As and a C. She didn't hang around to discuss them with anyone, she just went straight to the boy she wanted most.

Jal didn't notice Chris's dad sneaking up on her, but it shocked her how much he sounded like Chris. For a few seconds, she actually believed that Chris was with her, but as soon as she opened her eyes and snapped back to reality, she realised that he wasn't.

The two of them sat there, Graham and Jal, recounting memories of Chris. Graham did seem guilty; he did seem to want a second chance, a second chance to be a parent and to know about Chris. It was strange, how a stranger could make you think so deeply, but Jal realised that she had done most of her deep thinking in the presence of strangers recently. She knew that she definitely had to go to university now. After all, now Chris was gone, the only thing she had left for sure was her clarinet. She didn't know what to do about the baby though. Chris dying messed everything up in her mind and Jal didn't want to have to deal with anything from the past anymore. Maybe, just maybe, if she ignored it hard enough, then she wouldn't have to think about it again.