The Tragedy of Bart and Deidra
[curtains open]
(Principal Skinner walks in stage right.)
Skinner: Hello! And welcome to our humble little play of William Shakespeare's The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet. This is a play that has been done many times before and many more times in the future. (heh heh heh) Now before we start the play, I'd like to read you a sonnet to get the mood started.
(Skinner pulls out a flashcard and puts it to his face.)
Skinner: Two households, both alike in dignity, In fair Verona, where we lay our scene, From ancient grudge break to new mutiny, Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean. From forth the fatal loins of these tw-AAHHH!
(Skinner falls threw a trapdoor as the laughter of a 10-year-old boy is heard off-stage.)
Skinner: SIMPSON!
[Act One]
[Scene One]
(Bart and Milhouse, who are playing the roles of Romeo and his cousin Benvolio respectfully, are walking through town. Bart has a sad look on his face.)
Milhouse: Why the long face, Romeo?
Bart: (sighing) It's nothing, Benvolio.
Milhouse: C'mon, Romeo. (wraps arm around Bart) You can tell me anything.
Bart: …Gah. Alright! But promise me you won't tell anyone.
Milhouse: I swear!
(Bart faces Milhouse)
Bart: Cross your heart? Hope to die?
Milhouse: Sure do!
Bart: Stick I needle in your eye?
Milhouse: Did that this mourning! (Points to a spot near his eye) I was helping my mom with the sewing. It was my first time! And I had an accident…
(Bart looked unamused.)
Bart: Yeah…well, the thing is…there's this girl I like-
(Milhouse's eyebrows rise in amusement.)
Milhouse: (teasing) Oh! Do tell.
Bart: (Slightly annoyed) … Benvolio, don't make me punch you in the face.
Milhouse: (eyebrows go down, no longer teasing) Sorry.
(Bart gets closer to Milhouse and lowers his voice)
Bart: Now, the thing is-uh, she's right over there.
(Bart points over to the side of a building while a girl was putting up a flier. Her name is Deidra, who was playing the role of the fair Juliet. She possessed long, chocolate hair and a matching pair of emerald eyes. She turns to see Bart and Milhouse and she shyly smiled at them, waving at them as well.)
Milhouse: (waving at Deidra but muttering to Bart) Wow! No wonder you like her! She's gorgeous!
Bart: (mutters back) Yeah, but there's a problem…
?: Hey, Romeo!
(Nelson, who is acting out as Juliet's cousin Tybalt, walks into the scene behind Bart, grabbing his collar and turning him around to face him.)
Nelson: I see you eyeing my cousin! I catch you doing that again and I'll kick your ass!
Bart: Eat my shorts, Tybalt!
(Nelson proceeds to punch Bart in the gut and fling him on the ground. He then walks over to Deidra.)
Nelson: C'mon, Juliet! Let's get outta here! There's too many Montagues running around!
(The two of them walk away, but not without Deidra secretly giving Bart a loving smile. Bart responds with a goofy, love-filled chuckle and a wave. Milhouse gasped.)
Milhouse: You're in love with a Capulet‽ But your family hates the Capulets.
Bart: I know, but did you see that? She looked back at me! That proves she loves me too! (he grabs Milhouse by the shoulders and shakes him a little.) I just know it!
Milhouse: Oh, the wonders of hormonally-driven adolescence never cease to amaze me.
Bart: (turns and sees the flier Deidra put up) Benvolio! Look at this poster! (rips of poster and shows it to Milhouse) There's a party going on at the Capulet House tonight! I need to see that girl again!
Milhouse: Uh, I don't know Romeo. The Capulet House will be filled to the brim in guards. How will you ever get inside?
(Then from out of a neighboring pig-pen, Otto Mann, playing the ever-amusing Mercutio, one of Romeo's closest friends, crawled out of the mud and into the spotlight)
Otto: I can help you, little dude!
(Bart and Milhouse turned to Otto, both confused)
Bart: Mercutio? What were you doing in a pig-pen?
Otto: I live here now, ever since my parents kicked me out.
(brief awkward silence)
Otto: Can I live with you?
Bart: Never mind that, Mercutio. Can you sneak me into the Capulet House tonight?
Milhouse: (getting chipper) Can I come too? I always wanted to see the Capulet House from the inside.
(Bart looks unamused at Milhouse)
Bart: Uh, sure. Why not? (back to Otto) So, can you do it?
Otto: (Grins) Don't worry, Kid. I'll get you in! (huddles closer to Bart and Milhouse) Now, here's the plan…
[Scene Two]
(Bart, Milhouse and Otto walk into the Capulet House dressed as overly-dressed ladies. Once they were past the security, Milhouse and Bart removed their disguises and took off their make-up.)
Bart: (laughs) That was easier than I expected.
Milhouse: Tell me about it; I could have sworn that guard winked at me!
Bart: (jokingly) Did you get his number?
Milhouse: (pulling out a slip of paper) I did, as a matter of fact.
(Bart rolls his eyes)
Otto: (still in a dress) Well, I'll catch up with you guys later.
Bart: (confused) How come you haven't taken off you disguise?
Otto: I have a date tonight.
(just then, a man with a pencil-thin moustache and jet-black hair approached Otto)
Man: Shall we go, M'lady?
Otto: (in womanly voice) Coming! (secretly whispers to Bart) It's only until he lends me some money to buy a house.
(Otto and the man walk away as Bart and Milhouse come up with a plan)
Milhouse: So, what do you want to do first? Egg the ballroom or clung all the toilets with paper towels?
Bart: Uh, actually Benvolio, you can start without me. I gotta find that girl. I know she's here somewhere.
(Bart runs off as Milhouse pulls out a roll of paper towels)
Milhouse: (to himself) Oh man, I always wanted to try this!
(Meanwhile, in her room, Deidra and her Nurse, played by Lisa, were preparing to join the party.)
Deidra: Nurse, do you believe in love at first sight?
Lisa: (deadpan) Juliet, the emotion you call 'love' is just a rearrangement of hormones produced by the brain in order to pass on your genes to your offspring. And on top of that, as a teenager, you're experiencing an enormous hormonal change to prepare you for the aforementioned passing of genes.
Deidra: You don't have a boyfriend, do you, Nurse?
Lisa: (annoyed) You say that like I should have one. Why does every female protagonist have to be in a romantic relationship? It just paints woman as creatures that can't do anything without a man!
Deidra: (getting upset) You know, people like you are the reason why it's so hard for people to fall in love, with your whole [taunting voice] 'Oh! I'm such a victim of what God intended!' [normal voice] routine.
Lisa: Well, you know what? It doesn't matter. You need to stay away from that Romeo! He's nothing but a pointy-headed nuisance!
Deidra: How so?
Lisa: Well, for starters, he's a Montague! They're all nuisances! And second, he has a history of pulling pranks all across Verona.
Deidra: What can I say? I like bad boys.
Lisa: (getting fed up) Just stay away from him, okay? Now let's go! Your guests are expecting you.
(The two of them walk out of Deidra's room and into the party. Almost immediately, Bart pulls Deidra around the corner.)
Bart: Juliet!
Deidra: Romeo‽ How did you get in here‽‽
Bart: That doesn't matter! Juliet, I can't stand another second without you!
Deidra: Well, I'm flattered. But what if someone sees you?
Bart: Don't worry, we'll just hang out in the courtyard. No one will be there, right?
Lisa: (from around the corner) Juliet! Where are you‽
Deidra: (turns to the sound) Uh oh. (turns back to Bart) Gotta go, Romeo. I'll meet you at the courtyard.
(Deidra walks off, leaving Bart alone but Bart smiled softly anyway. Just then, Milhouse showed up.)
Milhouse: Hey, Romeo, you got anymore paper towels? I was going to flush them down the toilets, but I used all of them washing my hands 'cause I had to use the bathroom really bad.
Bart: (confused) Why didn't you just flush them down the toilets when you were done?
(Milhouse looks blank.)
Milhouse: (face-palming) Oh, Man!
[Scene Three]
(After the party died down, Deidra was now standing at the balcony that faced the courtyard.)
Deidra: (sadly) Oh, Romeo. Oh, Romeo. Oh, why art thou Romeo?
(Bart, from below the balcony, calls up to Deidra)
Bart: Why can't you come down here and talk?
Deidra: Because my Nurse found out I was talking to you, so I can leave my room. Besides, this is the most iconic part of the play.
Bart: (groans) Of course.
Deidra: So, anyway…O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name; Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, And I'll no longer be a Capulet.
Bart: (a bit confused) Uh… (looks at the palm of his hand) But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the—evicious-no-evasive—edve-edve—
Deidra: (correcting) Envious?
Bart: Yeah, that! Envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief, that thou her maid art far more fair than she: Be not her maid, since she is envious; Her vestal livery— (wait, did I read that right?) is but sick and green and none but fools do wear- (puts his hand down) ah, the hell with it! (looks at Deidra) I love you Juliet. You wanna get married?
Deidra: (surprised) Oh, Romeo! This is so sudden!
Bart: (getting desperate) Well, do you?
(Deidra tries to find the right thing to say when suddenly…)
Nelson: (off-stage) Hey! Romeo! I know you're around here somewhere!
Bart: Uh-oh. Gotta go! We'll talk about it later!
(Bart then runs off and meets up with Milhouse and Otto, who was still in a dress.)
Milhouse: Romeo! You made it out! We were thinking the Capulets got you.
Bart: Well they almost did. And I almost got one.
Otto: Oh yeah, that Juliet chick! You told her you liked her?
Bart: Yeah! And she liked me back! I think—
?: Romeo Montague!
(Marge and Homer, playing the roles of Romeo's parents, walks in.)
Bart: Mom! Dad! What are you doing here‽
Marge: We were about to ask you the same thing, young man.
Homer: We were?
(Marge looks annoyed at Homer)
Homer: (realizing and acts angry) Oh! Yeah! We were!
Marge: We told you a thousand times to stay away from the Capulets. Now you're in serious trouble, young man!
(Marge then grabs Bart by his ear and pulls him away, Bart is yelping in pain. Homer turns to Otto.)
Homer: Hey, Mercutio! Nice dress.
Otto: Thanks, Montague-Dude.
(Homer walks away.)
Milhouse: (turning to Otto) Why do you still wearing that, Mercutio?
Otto: I forgot to bring my normal clothes.
(Romeo and his parents are having a talk in his room.)
Marge: Romeo! How could you fall in love with a Capulet‽ Your Father and I raised you so much better than that!
Bart: Mom, I—
Marge: (interrupting) We told you once, we told you twice, we told you thrice, we told you at least a hundred times that the Capulets are to never, I repeat, never to be trusted. And what do you do? You become smitten over one! How could you do this to your own family?
Marge: You don't even know her, Mom.
Homer: Boy! Don't talk back to your mother!
Bart: But it's true! You don't know her, (turns to Homer) and neither do you!
Marge: We don't have to know her, Romeo! She's a Capulet! There all the same!
Bart: She isn't!
Marge: (furious) That is it! You're grounded! And you are forbidden from even breathing the same air as that girl!
Bart: But Mom—
Marge: No buts!
(Marge and Homer leave Bart's room)
Bart: (looks out his window) Don't worry, Juliet. We will be together! Mark my works!
Hi, Everyone! You enjoyed that story?
Who here likes the Simpsons? And who here likes Romeo and Juliet? Well, now you got the best of both worlds!
This Fanfiction is actually a request by LiveFoREVer93. If you want my to write a fanfic for you, don't be shy to ask. My massage box is always open. ;)
The character Deidra is actually LiveFoREVer93's OC in case you were wondering.
So we see Bart, er, I mean Romeo, getting grounded for seeing Juliet. How will they be with eachother now? Will Romeo and Juliet ever get married? Find out in Act II of 'The Tragedy of Bart and Deidra'.