Title: Bills, Bills, Bills!
Author: KAIN (TheEmoCookie/XSilverLiningsX)
Rating: K+
Genre: Parody/Humor
Summary: Based on the quote: "In Act IV, Tyrael will resurrect your Hireling but he will charge you. What does he do with that gold? Angels got to pay the bills too." Takes place between Act II and IV in Diablo II: Lord of Destruction.
"Oh, joy." The archangel murmured sarcastically as he sifted through the messy piles of wasted paper and ink. Tyrael, the one and probably only archangel that ever cared about the human race, couldn't help but sigh tiredly in the silence of his darkened quarters as he flipped through the numerous stacks of bills, junk mail, and letters that had found their way into his mailbox.
In his absence in Heaven, where he actually was captured and left to slowly and painfully die in a stuffy room while chained to a rock and guarded by Duriel, the bills for housing and utilities racked up to the point where he felt that he didn't have enough gold to pay them all off!
"Hmm... lighting bill, junk, junk, a letter from Izual... more junk, life insurance bill..." Tossing all the junk mail he came across his room and into the roaring fireplace that never extinguished despite the amount of water he'd thrown on it, Tyrael swept all the letters from his annoying 'fanclub' onto a messy pile on the floor, leaving all the bills that had an ugly red stamp proclaiming 'OVERDUE' on his table.
Opening up the first bill and examining the contents, Tyrael almost raged even harder than Baal when he saw the amount due.
"WHAT? 72% TAX INCREASE ADDED? When did that happen– I oversee the Tax division for Hero's sake!" Incredibly tempted to just throw the bill into the fireplace, Tyrael breathed in a shaky breath in an attempt to calm himself down and laid aside the bill.
"Okay, just calm down, Tyrael, it's just a bill... it's just a bill..." Gingerly picking the next bill as if it was a bomb about to blow up, the archangel tore open the seal and paled dangerously under his hood. Leaning back in his chair, Tyrael tossed the bill next to the previously opened one and slammed his forehead onto the desk hard; thankfully, though, the desk was specially made for the ridiculous strength that angels had and therefore did not break upon contact with the archangel's thick skull. Groaning in anguish, Tyrael shook a clenched fist at the ceiling.
"When all this Three Prime Evils nonsense is finished, the first thing I'm going to do is petition for the eradication of taxes!" Raising his head from the desk and sitting back in his chair, Tyrael then realized that he had to not only pay the bills themselves, but also for the shipping costs of all the sending he would have to do for the gold!
Scratching the back of his hooded head, Tyrael wondered how in the Hero's name would he get all of that gold until he realized his inner Hero-radar was beeping, which meant that the Hero was going to arrive at the Pandemonium Fortress very soon. Leaving the rest of the bills and letters unopened, Tyrael rushed out of the doors of his quarters and flew towards the mortal realm at breakneck speed.
Tyrael was glad that he had arrived a moment before the Hero had, but after exchanging a lengthy greeting with the human the archangel couldn't help but notice that they did not have their other companion with them.
"Hero, it is good to see you again, but I have a question of importance I would like to ask you." The Hero looked perplexed that he, the almighty archangel, had a question of all things to ask, but nonetheless shrugged and said,
"Sure. What is it?" Tyrael inclined his head so that the Hero could look directly into his completely shadowed face before saying,
"Where is your companion? I recalled when you were engaged in battle with Mephisto you had a companion that helped you subdue him." The Hero looked sad at this.
"Well, they died in the middle of the battle. I wasn't able to find someone who could resurrect them in here, so I'm alone in this place now." Tyrael inwardly danced in glee; he could resurrect the Hero's hireling for a fee and be able to pay off his bills without a sweat!
"Hero, I will be able to resurrect your companion, but will it require a fee..."
On the very day the Hero managed to banish Diablo and Mephisto to Hell and destroy their Soulstones, Tyrael reaped enough money to finally pay his very overdue bills.