Moving On

Chapter 1: Karma's Comforter
Part 1: Bed

I don't want to talk to anybody- in this school, in this town. None of them.

I just want to crawl under a rock and die.

I've just about lost everything- but I don't think I want it back. Liam and Amy are gone; with that, so is Shane and Lauren. Not that I care, though. I'll be out of Austin soon enough. Then, I can make anew. Start over and make new friends and fall in love and get married and have babies and become a famous musician and life will be great.

Great.

Yeah, life will be great. Just gotta give it some time. I can do that. Patience is a virtue I most definitely have. Or, at least, I think I do. My mom is always rambling on about it over tea. Maybe she's got something going with tea time. Since I have some standby time, maybe I'll get more into tea. Yeah, a cup of tea sounds great right now. Some nice, hot green tea…to throw into the face of some pricks here.

Fuck, what is wrong with me? I need some human interaction asap. I've been alone in my room all weekend thinking to myself. But who do I have? Just about no one. I have my comforter. It's very comforting. I think I could lay here within it's warm embrace all day. I think I will. No one will speak to me besides the soft cotton of my pillows.

I was able to manage doing that for a few hours- until my mom thought it'd be a good idea to bring some company in.

When Amy walked into my room, I couldn't look at her.

"No." I said firmly before she even opened her mouth, "get out. You're not welcome here."

She stared at me with doe eyes and I didn't want to feel emotion for her anymore. I couldn't. How could she be my best friend if she fucked Liam? Did she want revenge for unreciprocated feelings? That's not fair. It's not my fault I do not like women. I don't like vagina. Nothing is going to change that.

I figured out my sexuality some time ago. When a girl moved to Austin during our freshmen year at Hester. Her name was Emma and she was beautiful. I thought I could like her, love her. It was just a crush, ya know? You let you mind run wild with possibilities when you're 14 and you have a crush on someone new.

But then, I started to think about sex. Yes, I thought Emma was pretty- but her body parts. No, not her body per say. The fact that her body had boobs and a vagina. That wasn't attractive to me. I think all genitalia is, quite frankly, displeasing to see. Penises and vaginas are not pretty. However, when I came to the fact that if I really could love Emma in a romantic way- I'd have to be somewhat attracted to her body parts. I wasn't. I could only imagine being sexually aroused by a penis- and don't want to partake in sexual endeavors with a woman.

It's not like I haven't questioned my sexuality before. When I questioned mine, I didn't get mad at Emma for not being a boy. I feel like Amy is getting mad at me for not being interested in women- or her, per say. Amy is questioning everything right now, which is why I understand it's hard to deal with, but she's putting all of her frustrations into blaming me and being angry with me and…

and…

and sleeping with my boyfriend- someone who I thought I was falling in love with.

If you've ever fallen in love, you know how insane it can feel. How you're body is just falling over a cliff and you hope you're falling into a bed of clouds instead of a bed of knives and needles.

I feel like my entire body was punctured with knives and needles in every single nook and cranny.

But the other thing about love- whether it's familial, romantic, platonic, whatever- when they wrong you and hurt you, you're always hoping for and searching for a redeeming grace. Something that can help bring back what you once knew and felt and had.

When you're hurt, you're love doesn't go away, it just gets buried. If you don't try for redemption, eventually the love gets buried so deep it's practically none existent because those are inefficient means for survival. The love doesn't survive, it dies.

We call the death of love moving on.

You decide if you want the love to die- sometimes, the love must die.

I don't know what this time calls for. If I didn't love Amy and Liam, I wouldn't be so upset.

However, I can't see them until I've decided what I want. I can't act on anything until I've decided.

I need Amy out of my room.

"Leave." I command, avoiding eye contact.

"Karma, but-" She begins before I cut her off by saying, "Amy, no. I need you to leave. You seem to not give a fuck about me, but if you do- then you'll leave. No questions asked."

She left.

Which is good. I need to take solace in my comforter.

I understand where the name comforter comes from now.

Chapter 1: Karma's Comforter

Part 2: Hell-ster

School has finally rolled around, and so I must finally roll out of bed. Despite every fiber of my being begging me not to do so, I finally crawl out from under of my comforter.

I look in the mirror and see the greasy mess my hair is in, and am motivated to shower. I take a cold shower this morning. I let the icy droplets moisten my skin as I scrub the shampoo into my scalp. It feels good and freshening.

I climb out of the shower and look at my bare face in the mirror. I look drained. Maybe it's the lack of make up, maybe the lack of energy- maybe both.

The only way I can better myself is by continuing to move forward. So I go into my room, dry my hair, get dressed, and put much less makeup on then usual.

I don't feel like looking like a completely done up Karma, but I also need to feel good. If I dress like a sad sack, I will feel like a sad sack.

I leave the house, skipping breakfast and end up at school. I feel the looks of pity and the looks of hate. I feel isolated and alone- but that may be good for me right now.
I feel like I've been defining myself based on others- it's time for some self-exploration. Some alone time sounds good.

So I go about classes minding my own business. Avoiding Liam, Amy, Shane, Vashti (especially Vashti) and more.

Then lunch rolls around and I'm eating alone outside. I look at my lunch- a salad and half a sandwich- and am uninterested. The looks of it make me sick.

I neatly pack my lunch back up and place it back into my book bag. I pull out a book I'm reading, and just keep to myself. I'm hardly finishing a page when Shane sits at my table.

I make aggressive eye contact with him and he smiles that fake smile of his. "What do you want?" I ask.

"Hey! Drop the weapons- I'm here as a friend" Shane says.

I roll my eyes saying, "bullshit. You're probably here as either Amy or Liam's little bitch doing their bidding."

Damn, did not expect that to come from my mouth.

"Karma, calm the hell down. There's sides to every story. I just saw you alone, and I don't think you should be alone right now."

I drop my book and stare Shane in the eyes. I study his features to see what he's really meaning. I think he's being genuine, but I don't trust him. I ask, "Why do you suddenly feel like a good samaritan?"

"Because, I do" Shane starts, "This is why I don't do nice things. When I do, nobody believes me."

"Ever think it's hard to believe because you never do nice things?"

"Whatever, Karma. Sorry for trying to be your only friend."

I stare at him wide eyed and offended. "Fuck you, Shane" I say standing up from the table, gathering my things, "I don't need anyone. I don't need your pity. Don't use me as your good deed of the day! I don't need to invite more assholes into my life!"

I realize everyone is looking at me, and tears begin to brim my eyelids.

I make eye contact with Liam on the other end of the quad. He's been watching this entire exchange between me and Shane. I then turn away and break from his eye contact to be greeted with Amy's on the other end. I quickly break that as well, and leave school.

I don't care about the rest of my classes. I need a mental health day.

I don't end up going home. I feel my phone rigging. Calls from Shane, Amy, Liam, Hester, and my parents. I don't give a fuck.

I turn my phone off and keep moving.

The only way I better myself is by moving forward- whatever that may entail.

Author's Note:

So, I'm taking some lee-way with this. It's really only taking place right after Farrah and Bruce's wedding. I will be kinda meshing together the rest of the season. No Duke, maybe some Theo. Felix will most definitely come into play. Reagan and Sabrina- haven't decided yet. Wade- maybe, I liked him a lot, just gotta see if he fits.

I don't who will end up with who, but I can tell you Karma and Amy (Karmy) is not the end game.

Disclaimer: I hated the series finale, so just know I'm going to stray away from a few key things from that- to an extent.

I guess we'll see! I can promise it will be super interesting though! I have yet to find a fanfic anything like what I'm going for, so stay tuned! I'm writing this because there is nothing written like it- and I am so excited!

R&R Please!

Muchos besos,

rockets love