Chapter 1

Will walked past the Captain, Geordi and Beverly as they stood in the shuttle bay to welcome he and Data back from their mission … the peace talks on Xenaldi 4. He'd nodded his head in their direction, with a quick word of greeting and not much of an excuse for suddenly leaving as he took quick strides toward the nearest turbolift. A single bag thrown over his shoulder that carried what he had needed while gone, he stood impatiently in the lift that was known for its speed over predecessors, yet it wasn't going fast enough for Riker. He needed to get to her. Riker walked out of the lift dressed in the civilian clothes he'd opted for on the way home from the planet he had been on for over a week and felt anything but comfortable as he walked toward the quarters next door to his…he would walk past the comfort of a shower and resting amongst his own things to see Deanna.
Riker had been worried about the most important person in his life a day or so after the conference began, more from the things missing than the signs that something may be wrong. They had talked on the three day trek to the planet via communications on the shuttle and then the first day of the "talks," then nothing. He hadn't heard from her by her own effort and she hadn't returned the messages he'd sent … any free thought that wasn't occupied with talks and mediating had been focused on the counselor. When she hadn't been in the bay with the others when they'd come aboard it did nothing to soothe his instinct. The look he caught from Beverly as he swept past her only backing up his hypothesis…understanding was it? Sadness? Concern?
Will punched in the access code he knew by heart a bit surprised she had the door that usually opened upon his arrival…locked. He wasn't quite prepared for what he found inside. Dropping his bag to the floor, he was stilled for a moment.
Deanna was on the couch in her quarters her knees pulled close to her chest, she had her arms crossed over her stomach and her face was hidden as her forehead was resting on her legs. Her hair was pulled back into a pony tail, curls falling loose here and there and she wasn't in her uniform. Dressed in a pair of worn gray sweatpants that read Starfleet on the side in green and a white T-Shirt with a sweater that had a zipper up the front and seemed to swallow her tiny frame & thick white socks…Deanna never wore socks, preferring to leave her feet bare, unless she was sick or upset…She was sobbing, her shoulders shaking.
He knelt down next to her, beside the couch and lay a gentle hand on her back…he felt her jump at his touch as if she hadn't sensed his presence at all…her own emotions blocking out those that she sensed most strongly. Riker hadn't seen her jump at being caught off guard since she had lost her empathic abilities two years ago.
"Deanna," he said softly. "Shhhh…Dee what is it? What's wrong?" He felt her struggling, hiccupping and attempting to get control over her emotions…stifle them long enough to speak. She still hadn't moved from the position she was in on the couch when he'd entered the room.
"Please, Deanna…just look at me, Imzadi…you're scaring me love…he told her squeezing her arm affectionately, attempting to send her some strength. What was going on here? He thought to himself. Why the hell hadn't someone contacted him? If not Deanna then Beverly or the captain? He had a sinking suspicion he knew why…without even knowing the cause of her pain.
He watched as she lifted her head but continued to face away from him. "Dee – anna?" He drew out as soft as a whisper as he took his hand and tenderly forced her to look him in the eye. His breath caught in his chest and he physical hurt for her as he saw firsthand the pain she must have been experiencing during his time away. Deanna's beautiful eyes were red and swollen from more than one time of submission to tears. There were dark circles under her eyes…accentuated even more by her too pale skin…he wondered to himself how much she must have slept over the past week. He watched her intensely, those onyx orbs seeming to be pleading for any sort of relief from what she was experiencing. He ran his hands gingerly over her face as if afraid to add to any discomfort but wanting to touch her to soothe her in some way. He wiped at the path of tears with the pads of his thumbs, placing a small kiss on her forehead.
"Deanna let me help you…tell me what's the matter…"
She locked her arms around him, clinging to him…her face once again hidden in the safety of his neck. He held on to her tightly one hand running up and down her back and the other lightly caressing her tummy before asking, "Dee, is it the…" he stopped mid-sentence feeling her shake her head no. Then he waited as she took a sharp breath, exhaling the words-
She brushed a name into his mind, Ensign Alby.
Aloud-"She…she died. I could have stopped it, I let her-I let her die."

"Beverly," Jean-Luc said as he sat down next to her in Ten Forward, handing her a fresh drink.
"Thanks."
"Where's Will?" It's a shame that he's missing this congratulatory reception. "Starfleet command is thrilled with the outcome of the talks and very impressed with his mediation skills. Who knows if he keeps turning down ships of his own, they may drive him into a life of diplomacy?" Picard smiled good-naturedly in her direction.
She forced a grin and hoped he didn't notice the effort it took.
"At least we could have heard some humorous accounts of the Xenaldian way of life and Data's being part of his delegation during the peace talks."
"I'm sure he's with Deanna." She told him, not keeping some of the shared pain of her friend off her face.
Concern washed over the captain and Beverly felt a little guilty for bringing down the relaxed mood he was in…fellowshipping with his crew.
"How is the counselor?"
"She's coping," Beverly stretched the truth a little, but what would she tell her commanding officer, miraculously Deanna had been making to all the right meetings and even adding to the conversation….make-up covering the hell she'd been living through for the past 5 days. She couldn't figure out who was going to be angrier, Will when he realized they knew his significant other was suffering and no one bothered to contact him or Picard when he found out the awful pain the woman he considered a surrogate daughter was truthfully in. "Should we have contacted him, Jean-Luc?"
"And tell him what Beverly? We lost Ensign Alby in a most tragic way…he was in the middle of a mission…two days away."
"How about…the woman you love, lost her first patient?"
He shook his head. "She's a grown woman Beverly, it wasn't effecting her duties and…and he's back now. She would have told him herself if she wanted him to know."
Beverly drank down the remnants of the liquid in her glass. The look she gave him was lit with barely hid anger, if he only knew.
"She has him now Beverly and things are about to get a little more difficult…he can be there for her."
"How?" She asked, fearing any more pressure being heaped on the Betazoid. "How are they going to be more difficult?"
"Kara's parents are coming on board in a few days to escort her body back to earth…also a lot of the younger crew members that graduated from the Academy in her class would like to have a memorial before that happens. I gave my support…the crew needs it."
He watched as Beverly's eyes watered and then as she seemed to force them to dry as if on cue. He knew she was hurting too, but he felt that she was thinking ahead to the next few days for their counselor.
"Has she talked with you any…about, about Kara's death?"
"No." Beverly stood to her full height and glanced toward the door. "I have some patients to check on before I go to bed."
"Bev…" He said attempting to catch her by the arm. She pulled away, leaving the noise and merriment behind for the solitude of her Sickbay..

She knew he wasn't expecting her to exhale the word she had and she shielded her face from the inquisitive, concerned look he wasn't sparing her. She wasn't ready for him to see everything…and he could see right through her..
"Deanna I've known you for a long time, longer than anyone onboard this ship and I know that you would do anything you could to help someone if they needed you…I also know that you are harder on yourself than I've ever seen one person be. .. What happened," he asked, putting his hands on her waist and pulling her towards him until he enveloped her…her back to his chest. "Was there an accident at the helm? Did something happen on the Bridge?" He set his chin on her head and held her there. She tried once to pull away and then she relented and spoke,
"Suicide." It was hard for her to even form the word, to speak at all when she remembered what she saw… Had it been a week already? Deanna felt Will tense and being so caught up in her own pain, she didn't take the time or the effort to analyze what that meant. Pulling free from his arms, she walked over to the view port and stared…as she had been doing for days. If she wasn't crying she was staring, or putting on quite the performance, with mask, during crew meetings.
"What?" He called after her as if she were light-years away, not a few mere steps from him. "Kara killed herself? I don't believe it. I had a bridge shift with her the night before I left…we were joking around, she was fine. She wouldn`t do something like that."
"She seemed fine." Deanna said, hollow and as if she was talking to herself. As if she hadn't heard him at all.
And that's when he remembered. Ensign Kara Alby had been seeing Deanna in counseling for awhile now. Fresh out of the Academy, Kara had been assigned to the Enterprise. It would have been two years next month if he remembered correctly…he having welcomed her in the Transporter room along with the other members of her flight class…they had all managed to get a posting on Starfleet's flagship. They were so excited to be serving and then the following year he and Deanna had decided to promote her to helm officer. Ensign Alby had begun seeing the counselor in her professional capacity not long after her promotion. It wasn't information Deanna would have shared with him, she was loyal to her patients and to her vow of ethics…he had suggested Kara Alby see Deanna when she had missed a few shifts on the Bridge. He hadn't meant to pry into her personal life, but it was so unlike Kara to neglect her duties and he had sat down next to her one night in Ten Forward, lending a listening ear. That night he learned that the Ensign's younger brother had died in a shuttle accident during a routine exercise at the Academy. Kai was in his first year at Starfleet Academy, 18 years old. The following day she'd made and appointment with Troi after his encouragement and suggestion and had shared with him that she had gone to the session despite her aversion to talking about his death. Trusting she was in capable hands, it was never brought up again…but he had noticed the healing taking place as her usual spirit returned during her duties and when he bumped into her around ship.
"She was fine." He heard Deanna say once again and it snapped him out of his reverie. Will remembered what she'd said earlier, when she finally spoke to him and he realized where she'd been all week. She'd been alone…alone and blaming herself. Probably going over ever detail, every session, every movement she could remember.
"Dee, look at me. This was not your fault." She wouldn't turn around, so he went and stood in the space in between her and the port she was looking out. "Deanna." Her gaze followed him slowly until she met his eyes…her own raw from crying. "I will not let you carry the blame for, for Kara's death. You are not responsible for what happened to her."
"Wasn't I Will?" She said with such emotion in her voice, such fire…he knew was directed toward herself. "She trusted me. She trusted me and I…I didn't do my job."
"Imzadi, I will not listen to you beat yourself up over something you didn't have control over…"
"Didn't have control over!" She raised her voice, a sound he had rarely heard come from the serene counselor of the Enterprise. "Of course, I had control…I - I could have stopped her. I should have been paying closer attention! It is my job to intervene…! She would be alive right now if…if I hadn't been…"
"If you hadn't been doing what Deanna? Helping your other patients…taking care of the crew…dealing with your own life?" He asked, trying to break through to the rational part of her, to get her to see how ridiculous it was to paint herself as, as some kind of inadvertent murderer.
"My life…" she mumbled, almost inaudibly.
But he heard her and he knew what she was referring to…he was sure she had been distracted lately, as she should have been-considering. But normal was not something Deanna Troi was going to let herself be…especially not after the death of a patient.
"Deanna, have you talked to anyone…I mean I know you didn't contact me-" She felt a sliver of hurt seep past the wall she had built around herself. It was miniscule compared to the love and concern he was feeling, but it was there just the same.
"I'm sorry." She said softly. He shook his head.
"It's not what I meant Deanna…I mean if not me Beverly…" He knew she hadn't opened up to her best friend either. Not only from the look on her face, but the fact that he knew what a private person Deanna was, so at odds with her own feelings at times. "Dee, we've all lost people under our command…Beverly has lost patients-close friends like Tasha, God she's come close to losing you and I a time or two…"
"It's different, Will. It's just not the same." The sadness in her voice and the shame in her eyes scared him more than he wanted to admit. He watched her try to stop the quiver in her chin, she bit down on her lip slightly, forcing the tears to stay in place…
"I've never lost a patient before." He couldn't help but smile sadly as the words formed in his head. From the first day he'd met this woman that he loved so much, she had been involved in psychology in some capacity. She'd never lost a patient in all those years…it spoke volumes about her talent as a counselor, but it also made him realize the magnitude of pain she was feeling now.
The look on her face told him he'd get no more from her right now. Her emotional reserves were low and it seemed to be taking its toll on her body and her mind. He went over to where she stood leaning against a chair in the living space of her quarters and he took her hand leading her over to the couch and pulling her down onto his lap.
He watched as her hand absently fell to her abdomen, she quickly moved her slender hand into his larger, protective one.
"Dee? Baby, when's the last time you've eaten anything? Slept even?" He asked gently, his lips close to her ear.
"I can't remember." She told him, looking down. "I can't…" She said, meeting the blue of his eyes.
"Deanna?"
"I had some soup yesterday. I've been sleeping…when I can." He kissed her forehead, running his hands, soothingly up and down her arms.
"Imzadi, you've got to think of the b…" He began, but she interrupted.
"I can't right now Will, I need you to do that for me…please…Imzadi, just for a little while."
"I'll take care of you as long as you need me to, love. I'm here now. I'm here."