Under the Stars

By: Hoshi Ayaka

Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki.

It's evening. The stars have already spread across the sky. There's a slight breeze. It ruffles my hair and warms my skin. That's the first clue that spring is coming to an end and summer will be upon the world soon. I close my eyes and lean my head back against the tree behind me. The grass is cool and slightly moist beneath the fingers of my left hand. The softness is familiar, reminds me of...

I take a long, deep drag from the cigarette in my right hand. The tendrils of smoke escape from my mouth and drift off in to invisibility. I think about the pack that's almost empty and wonder if I should stop smoking. But really, there would be no point. Everyone dies in the end anyway. Why give up something I enjoy? They're worth the few years of my life I might lose.

When I open my eyes, the stars are still staring down at me. It's completely dark now. I like the night. It's quiet while the rest of the world sleeps. I'm not a fan of the rest of the world. Not when it's filled with such nonacceptance. Filled with a hatred for things that can not be understood. Filled with a war I'm left to fight for the world that could do without me. At least, that's the way they see it.

I finish off my cigarette and flick it away from me. He'd be grouchy if he'd seen that. I shift against the tree and look down at my hands that are now in my lap. I hate it when I become...emotional? I don't like thinking too deeply. Unfortunately that's what I've been doing. I'm wondering when I'll have a chance to rest. Wondering when I'll be in my own place, with my own bed, eating my own food.

I've seen enough of the desert, the forests, the mountains. I've seen enough of the world. What I'd like to see is the back of my eyelids or a freshly made pot of sukiyaki on the kitchen table and just the four of us...

Damn. There they are. Even in my daydreams I'm stuck with them. I'll be stuck with them forever. If one of us doesn't die first that is. A wave of sadness washes over me and strangely, I wish I was back inside curled up on a futon in our cramped little room. I really hate when I get like this.

Another cigarette is what I need. Something to make my head fuzzy and warm. I chuckle quietly to myself. Who am I kidding? Another cigarette ain't gonna do shit. It's just an excuse anyway. Beer. Beer would be nice. I'm too lazy to find some place to drink one and too lazy to put up with the inevitable advances of the women I'd find there.

He's suddenly there beside me. His movements are graceful as he sits down near me. His back is rigid for a moment before he allows himself to relax against the rough bark of the tree. I can really only see him from the corner of my eye. I don't want to turn to look at him. It's easier when my soul isn't being pierced straight through by emerald daggers.

We sit closely, not touching, our legs out straight. The silence is comfortable. I can smell earth, the green grass, him. I once again think about that cigarette. I challenge myself to think of something else, to avoid smoking while he's sitting here with me. I let the silence go on. I know he'll wait for me to speak.

I begin to map out the few constellations I happen to know. There are no clouds so I can see them clearly. Like an idiot I straighten my arm above me and use my fingers to draw lines connecting the stars. I can feel him watching me and I really don't mind.

"I..." My hand drops to my side again. "I'm tired and I wish we were home."

He just nods. He understands that I'm not really complaining. Sometimes it just feels good to say what I'm thinking out loud.

"I want to have a bath. Wash my hair. I mean really wash my hair. Then I want to crawl into my bed and sleep. I want to sleep until I'm tired of sleeping."

When he finally speaks, his voice sends a razor of heat through my heart.

"Sukiyaki."

I turn in surprise. My eyes roam his face, searching for whatever it is that makes him capable of reading my thoughts. He half-smiles and turns his head slightly in my direction.

"You read my mind."

My eyes give up their search and instead focus on the cuffs barely visible in the starlight. My thoughts wander to an unexpected place. What would it be like to slip those little metal clips from his ear? Would he rip me to shreds with his claws if I begged him to? Would he carve my heart from my chest and hold it while it was still warm between his hands? It's his anyway isn't it?

I swallow hard and turn away. Thoughts are bad enough, dark thoughts I could really do without. My fingers twitch in my lap. They ache to feel a cigarette between them. I remind myself of the challenge. No more tonight.

"Gojyo..." My head snaps back up. "Why don't you come back inside?"

I smile and shake my head no. "I can't yet. I'm thinking."

"Wishing upon stars?"

I chuckle a little. "I gave up wishing long ago."

"This will all end."

His words strike deep into my heart. I fear they contain more meaning than he realizes.

"Sometimes that's what I'm afraid of."

"We can only do our best Gojyo."

"My best is never good enough."

"Your best has always been good enough for me."

I can feel the tears burning at the back of my eyes and throat. I really fucking hate myself like this. I don't think I can answer him so I stare straight ahead. He understands when I nod. He won't push me but I also know he doesn't want to leave me alone with my thoughts. I allow my hand to stray from my lap. My fingers find the hem of his shirt and run along the seam there. I can feel the heat from his body. I want to bury my head in his lap and breathe deeply.

I suddenly realize that I'm feeling better. He's sitting here with me under the stars, expecting nothing, only wanting to be near. It's enough for me.

"Hakkai, I..."

I can't seem to put into words everything I want and need to say.

"I know Gojyo...me too."

My whole body relaxes as Hakkai's hand gently grasps mine. My fingers entwine in his and I think I never want to let go.

A/N: Thanks for reading. I know it's been awhile since I've posted any new stories. RL gets in the way sometimes. . I swear I'm still working on Time to Choose for any readers who may be following it. There won't be any updates to it until I finish it completely. Don't want to tease anyone any longer. Also, I finally have a place where you can read all my stories and see my drawings together. hoshiayaka (dot) blogspot (dot) com Please feel free to stop by there (or my profile!) to see updates, leave a message, and read everything in one place. Thanks again!!