really, it was sheer stupidity
by mistsplash
He's surrounded by a wall of shrunken gloom, cold and alone and maybe a little bit desperate. He's clinging to memories—distant mirages of happiness and warmth and laughter. And as if by habit, his thoughts wander into that deepdeepdark part of his brain, the one that's secured even more tightly than the part about his so-very-terrible past.
His thoughts stray to Lily.
Whenever they met, she had worn a shy smile, with her long hair let down and her greengreen eyes dark and mysterious. He rather liked that side of her—gentle with a touch of persona, not the red-faced, enraged teenager she was whenever in the presence of James.
James—his best friend, his worst enemy, his brother…the one person he never got around to apologizing to.
James had been so, so painfully oblivious that it nearly made Sirius want to rip his hair out with frustration. Because James didn't notice, and everyone else did—everyone else noticed the oh-so-very coincidental disappearances, the so-simply-sly smiles, the winks, the blush, everything; James had too much faith in friendship to even begin to suspect Sirius. And now, James had paid the price for that naïve sort of trust.
It hurt Sirius at a numbing rate.
Because she, the Lily Evans, was the greatest mistake of his life, but he couldn't stop—how could he, when he just realized all the reasons James had fallen in love with the very same girl?
It was a bitter betrayal, but these things only have effect in hindsight.
He sighs, running a hand through his increasingly-greasy hair, a sudden memory coming to him in a sort-of haze.
It had been a warm evening of laughter and drinks and the works—one of their usual nights out. Sirius buried his face into the crook of her neck, painting sloppy, butterbeer-coated kisses along the skin there, moving upwards, upwards, towards her jaw line, her cheek, the edge of her mouth—
"Sirius. Stop."
It was the sudden boldness in her voice that made him pull back, eyes struggling to focus amidst the firewhiskey-butterbeer mix and confusion. "Mm?"
"Look, Sirius, this has been…" She paused, frowning as she glared sullenly at the ground. Sirius felt a led ball drop in his stomach.
"Yeah?" he prompted, nonetheless.
She took a shuddery breath. "We can't do this anymore."
He was used to her bouts of denial and goody-two-shoe-ness, so he only moved closer and began his tender line of kisses once more, not expecting to be interrupted.
She pulled back suddenly, eyes fierce. "Stop kidding around, Sirius! I'm not joking!"
He leaned back slightly, not used to this harshness. Risking his safety, he cupped a side of her face in his hand. "What happened, Lily?"
He wasn't entirely surprised to find tears washing away the shine of her eyes. "I'm not sure how to tell you," she blabbered, "but—but…James and I…we're—uh—dating."
The air left his lungs immediately. After a few, meager moments of contemplation, he released her from his hold and asked, "Why didn't he tell me?"
"I told him to keep it a secret. Even from you."
"Even from me," Sirius echoed hollowly.
She stood, eyeing him with a stir-fry of emotions. "Well."
"Well," he mimicked. Though he was attempting to sound teasing, there was still a thread of emptiness laced into his tone.
"It's been—er—nice, Sirius."
He nodded. "Yeah."
With a turn of her head and no more words, she disappeared from their little haven of secrets, never to return—though sometimes he thought he saw her shadow there, a image of her thinking deeply, but he managed to convince himself it was only an illusion and to keep his distance.
A cold feeling distances him from this forbidden memory, and as if by habit, he jumps to his feet and begins to chant inwardly: I am innocent—I am innocent—I am bloody innocent. It's his only defense against the dementors, and he's used it so many times by now it's a reflex.
As soon as he knows they're gone, he sinks to his knees, trying not to tremble with loneliness and fear and a whole slew of other emotions.
It's times like these that he misses them (his best friend in the entirefuckingworld and the most beautiful girl that ever existed) a bit too much.
Author's Notes:
Meh. Old stuff. Posting to get it out of my mind. But I wouldn't mind if you reviewed anywaaaaays~ :3