A/N: I know I haven't uploaded or updated in about a million years, but I'm going to work on that. I've written myself a list and everything. In the meantime, I just finished FFVII, and I have to say, even knowing basically ever facet of the story ahead of time, I still really liked it. This one just kind of rolled out really quickly, and frankly, I'm not very happy with the ending. But then, I'm out of practice. We'll see if I can't fix that.
Warnings: Language and heavy inuendo
He's Not There
I've seen a lot of faces of Cloud Strife. I've seen him beaten by bullies, tears brimming, but mouth set hard and fierce. I've seen him crying to his mom, though he would deny it to the end of the time. I've seen him smiling and cocky, so sure that he's practically immortal (because as far as I can tell, he practically is.) I've seen him mumbling and red-faced, whispering a promise under the stars, eyes turned upward and glistening with far away dreams. And I've seen him steady with determination and strength. But I've never seen him this helpless.
His head lolls slightly, as though his neck no longer as the strength to support it. They've covered his legs with a blanket, but I can still tell that his left foot is dragging limply on the ground. His hands are listless in his lap, occasionally clenching, maybe aching for his sword. They've removed his armor and weaponry, even his earring. Instead of the familiar standard issue Soldier gear, he's wearing a thin cotton hospital gown and sleep pants. The shirt hangs open on his chest, the ties undone for his heart monitor. I can tell that he's lost weight and muscle mass, though his physique is by no means ruined. Soldier enhancements and all that.
"Please explain to me again. I'm just trying to understand what he's going through."
"Well, as you know, Mako in small doses is relatively harmless, so long as its not prolonged exposure. It accelerates the body's ability to produce adrenaline and endorphines, enhances muscle mass, stimulates higher brain activity. It's not unlike giving someone a shot of adrenaline to the heart, but significantly less jarring. Shinra exposes Soldiers to mako to enhance their abilities.
"But imagine getting one thousand shots of adrenaline to the heart. It's system overload. I'm frankly amazed that he's still breathing, given how long he was in the Lifestream. His brain is like a fried circuit. I don't even know if anything beyond the primitive brain is functioning or not. We don't have the kind of equipment necessary to test that."
"And how likely is recovery?"
The doctor's silence is enough of an answer, but after a moment he says, "There's always hope."
I nod, biting my lip and turning away. I won't cry. I have to be strong for him.
The doctor clears his throat before continuing. "I know you don't live around here, so he's quite welcome to stay for the time being. It's getting close to closing time, so why don't you head back to the inn and you can see him again in the morning."
That gets me up in a heartbeat. "I'm not leaving him alone here with people he doesn't even know. Maybe if there's someone familiar he'll…" The wind goes out. I can't even bear to think it.
The doctor backs away, hands raised in a placating gesture. "Of course Miss Lockhart. I'll just leave you with him then. You're quite welcome to stay." He flees before I can even apologize. Given my spiked fighting gloves and glowing materia, it's not hard to guess why.
I glance at Cloud, and have to fight back the lump in my throat. "Come on Chocobo-head. I bet some sunlight will do you good."
The nurse brings his dinner, and I tell her I can feed him myself. She gives me a kind smile, but her eyes are full of pity. She's thinking the same thing they all are. Poor girl. Lost her boyfriend so young. They think he's gone. And looking at his vacant eyes, I don't even know what I think.
I painstakingly feed him. More food ends up on his shirt and chest then in his mouth, but by the end of it, I've gotten the hang of slipping spoonfuls of tomato soup down his throat. If I hold his jaw shut, he swallows instinctively, but if I don't help, his mouth is slack. He doesn't even respond to my touch.
I follow his glazed eyes out to the sunset, tinged an awful red by Meteor. He seems to be looking right through me. Maybe he's still seeing the Lifestream, even now. Maybe he's seeing her. I wheel him back inside to clean him up. When the nurse sees what I'm doing, she offers the bathtub. Looking down at his limp, dull hair and shiny skin, I can only guess when last he was properly bathed.
Nodding, she shows us to the back and draws up bathwater. She easily undresses him, all professionalism, and unhooks all his wires. I help her lift him to the toilet and then hurriedly look away, thankful at least that his body seems to be functioning, even if his mind is a million miles away. Once he seems to be finished, we shift him to the bathtub and she bustles out, humming a jaunty tune. It seems so incongruous when I look at his unresponsive expression.
I consider him for a moment, trying to overcome my own embarrassment before taking up the washcloth and soaping it. Dirt lifts from his skin, and I'm suddenly angry with the doctor and nurse for not properly cleaning him. After a thorough scrubbing, I very carefully pour water over his head. He blinks reflexively to clear his eyes, but his gaze is still a million miles away.
As I massage shampoo into his scalp, he suddenly moves of his own accord, mumbling and rolling his head into my chest. I freeze, hearing what might be my name, before wrapping my arms around his shoulders and pressing my cheek to his. Soap from the shampoo stings in my eye, but I could care less. "Please don't be gone. Don't leave me here alone."
After a moment of fighting back tears, I finish his hair and carefully rinse it out. The ends seem dry, so I go ahead and work some conditioner through. He'd probably laugh and tell me I was being girly if he was coherent. At long last, I drain the bath and rinse his body of the last of the soap. There's some inanely stupid part of me giggling that I just spent a half an hour with a very naked Cloud, but the rest of me can only feel annoyance at my own immaturity.
Once I've gotten him as dry as I can, I lift him from the tub, amazed that I can handle his weight. Even with all my training, I didn't think I'd be able to lift a man who must weigh nearly two hundred pounds, even without his gear. The compacted muscle and dense bone structure more than make up for his relatively short stature. I guess I really have gotten stronger on this quest. Strong enough to take care of him, at least.
Once he's in the chair, getting him in fresh clothes is easy, except for the last stretch with the pants. Finally, I just sling his arms over my shoulders and lift him while sliding the pants up. With my shirt soaked and Cloud's bath time done, I wheel him out. It's already nightfall and the doctor and nurse seem to have left. The desk lights are off, in any case. Silently grateful that I don't have to put up with their pity or concern, I put Cloud to bed.
Once I'm sure he's settled, I go back to the bathroom and take a quick shower. I'm grateful Nanaki had the thought to bring me some of my clothes from the airship. In pajamas, I head back to him, exhausted and hungry. There are a few rations in my pack. I'll just eat those.
As I slowly work my way through instant noodles, I notice Cloud's awake. His vacant stare is aimed to my left, and his mouth is moving. I edge closer, and then wrench myself backward when I make out what he's saying. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Over and over the words stir in the dead night air. What's worse is that I can't tell if he's talking to me…or her.
oOoOoOoOoOo
Two weeks in Mideel has taught me that I'm awful at sitting and waiting. But I knew that already. There's a reason I left Nibelheim after it burned. I couldn't just sit passively waiting for Cloud anymore. Hell, that's why I started acting as a guide in the mountains. To preoccupy myself. To keep me from thinking about my empty house, my workaholic father, and my absent friend.
I go out to the store every day to buy food for Cloud and me. I hate to impose on the doctor any more than we already are, and Barret left me with plenty of gil. And taking care of him does require a lot of time. But even so, the rest of my time is spent watching and waiting. I've almost gone out into the forest several times to look for monsters. I could use Cloud's materia for a boost. But I'm afraid to leave him for so long. What if my presence is the only thing that's keeping him here?
It's a selfish thing to think, but I don't want him feeling abandoned. Not when he needs me most.
At the store I hear rumors. The town's only got one television and the reception's not great, but with all the warnings about terrorists, it sounds like Barret and others have succeeded in stealing Shinra's Huge Materia. At least some of it. I'm sure Rufus is thrilled.
With a resigned sigh, I go back to the dim hospital room. The doctor, Carrel, and the nurse, Ella, have already gone home for the night. Cloud's still awake, his eyes glowing strangely in the red light of Meteor. Every night, when it's only the two of us, he keeps mumbling. If I can make out the words at all, it's usually an apology. I wish I knew if he was really with me or not.
After a moment's hesitation, I climb onto the bed with him. I've been taking their spare bed, but I'm exhausted and I need a hug, even if he's not really there. Staring at the rise and fall of his chest, the tears well up. I've done a good job of holding them back, but I have my limits. He soiled the bed this morning, something he hadn't done up until now. He's slipping away from me.
Would he have wanted this? It's not like he left a living will or anything. Nothing that said "If I'm useless, just end it." He probably figured death would be his only out. But I feel so sure that he wouldn't have wanted this. He wouldn't want to be caught in this stupid limbo of life and death.
The tears are coming faster now, and I feel faintly hysterical.
"Cloud, if you're in there, give me a sign. I trying to stay positive, but I can't keep going on nothing. Please."
His face remains unmoving, slack. He doesn't even blink. Shifting so that I'm half on top of him, I turn his head until I'm more or less looking into his eyes. They're so far away.
"Come on, Cloud. Remember what you promised? If I ever needed you, you'd be there? Well, I need you now. Please. I need you."
I can hardly see him through the tears, and I'm nearly sobbing now. There's no response.
Very carefully, even though my face is sopping wet and I probably have snot dripping out of my stuffed nose, I lean down and kiss him. At first gently, and then more desperately. I kiss him until I can't hold my breath anymore. Nothing.
"No. No. Not like this."
Looking down into his face, it hits me for the first time. He's really gone. Even though he's breathing, he's not there anymore. Maybe I should just…
My hands are on his throat, not even close to spanning the circumference, but certainly wide enough that with a little pressure... I'm still sobbing and hiccupping, but I'm aware of the slight movements in his airway, the pulse in his carotid artery. He wouldn't want this.
…But I lay there for ages, maybe even hours, with my hands spread across his neck, and I just can't do it. There's still some stupid part of me that holds out hope. With a gasp, I let go and collapse on him, my face buried in his shoulder.
"Come back to me."
Coming to the first and only thing I could think was, "Where's Tifa?"
I could still feel her presence in my fractured mind, the soothing touch of her hands piecing the shards together, making it whole. Without her…
I can remember bits of the hospital: the heat of Meteor on my face, Sephiroth whispering in my mind, Tifa's hands on mine, the pain of being helpless.
Barret told me I was the mostly "insane-est, luckiest muthafucka I ever met."
Now I'm waiting for her. How stupid, that I'd wake before her. I'm the one who was completely fucked up. But I'm worried about her mako exposure. The others assured me she woke briefly after they got us out, but even so, what if she's been altered? Injured?
I resist the urge to cast Esuna on her. It's not like someone put her to sleep. She wouldn't wake. I'm also hesitant to use Cure. As far as I can see, there are no bruises, no cuts, and no broken bones. Nothing to really warrant my need to be active rather than passive.
It's late at night, but I'm wide-awake. I've barely slept since I came to. The others are sleeping in one of the holds where we have makeshift cots and hammocks, but they let me put Tifa in the planning room for privacy.
She stirs suddenly, the first time she's moved since I took a post at her bedside. Come on, wake up, I will her. She turns on her side, the blanket slipping off her shoulder. We gave her the most comfortable cot, not that that's saying much. Her eyes flicker open, and I suddenly can't breathe.
She looks sleepy, but her clear cinnamon eyes are lucid. She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
After a moment, she sits up and sees me. "Cloud?"
She sounds wounded, and I hate myself all over again for what I've put her through.
"Welcome back, Tifa."
"Is this a dream?"
"No."
And then my arms are full of her, her grip so strong that I briefly worry for my ribs. I hug her back, checking my strength, and just glad to see her moving, breathing, awake. And then she goes further and before I know it her lips are on mine, desperate and demanding. I'm not stupid enough to deny her.
Between kisses, she's whispering to me. "You're here. You're really here."
She's straddling my waist, and I'm worried if she keeps at it, I'll do something we'll both regret, so I gently ease up on the kiss to look in her eyes.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to leave you so long."
She looks shocked. She probably wasn't expecting me to remember that bit from the hospital.
"You heard me?"
"Part of me heard you. Just like part of me was in Nibelheim when we were kids and part of me was in Hojo's test-tube. I'm sorry I left."
"It wasn't your fault." Her face is turned down now, but I'm pretty sure she's crying.
I pull her back into my arms, her face against my shoulder. "Thank you for pulling me back. I'd still be floating out there if it weren't for you."
She hiccups, and it turns into a wry laugh. "Nobody else is stupid enough to dig around in your head."
If she's noticed that her continued presence in my lap is making a certain part of me very happy, she's completely ignoring it, because she leans back and settles her weight more evenly across my thighs. Her eyes are bright and searching, and I'm tempted to kiss her again. "No voices now?"
"No."
"You don't' have an overwhelming urge to go throw yourself in the crater?"
"Well, I do, but that's just 'cause I want to kill that bastard."
"You'll tell me if you start to feel out of control, right?"
"Right."
"Ok then." She smiles, and she overwhelms me. I don't deserve this woman. "What comes next?"
"Well, it's actually about two in the morning, so sleep seems like the logical answer."
She looks panicked. "How long have I been out?"
"About two days."
"No way. How long until Meteor."
"We think about seven days."
"Well, shit, we've gotta…"
I press my finger to her lips.
"It can wait 'til morning. The others are sleeping."
"Oh, right." She looks sheepish and begins to shift off my lap. "What if I'm not sleepy?"
"Then we'll go to the bridge and watch the sunrise."
She stands and glances around the operation room. "I would like to see the sky."
I stand, hoping my pants mostly hide my erection. "Alright."
She turns away as I gather up my sword and clip it to my back harness. "Tifa?"
She looks back at me questioningly.
"I'll be here. Until the end."
She freezes for a moment and then flashes me her show-stopping smile. "I know you will."