Once the rain had ceased, Nick looked up to the roof of Virgil's boat. The boat had a skylight at the top, which allowed the moon-lit azure sky to shine through. Millions of stars glittered in the sky and, for only a moment, Nick was finally able to forget about zombies, exhaustion, pain, the shitty southern towns he had passed through, fear, everything.
He sighed through his nose. He looked over and saw Rochelle and Ellis sleeping. Ro had curled up to Ellis' chest, wrapping her arm around his stomach. Nick smirked, wondering what Francis the greasy biker would do if he saw Rochelle and Ellis cuddling up together. Nick knew that Rochelle couldn't control who she cuddled up to during her slumber (shit, she had even cuddled up to NICK in the train car outside of the swamp town), but Francis was too stupid to realize this, and would probably punch Ellis in the face.
Not that Ellis didn't deserve a punch to the face, Nick mused, because DAMN he could be annoying. Ellis rambled on about random adventures with Keith non-stop; much to Nick's chagrin. Nick wondered if half the storied were even true. He had no reason to think Ellis was a liar, but either Ellis WAS a liar, or there was a dude running around redneck Georgia with cuts, burns, scars, broken bones, and other disfigurements over more than 90% of his body. Or, maybe Keith was a zombie, which would mean that there was a zombie out there with a tattoo on his forehead reading "I'm a moron." If Nick ever saw this tattooed zombie, he would be the first in line to put a bullet right in the middle of that tattoo.
Nick snorted in laughter before returning back to his previous train of thought- of Francis punching Ellis in the face. Nick guessed that he would allow Francis one punch in before jumping in and beating up Francis. Ellis WAS annoying and deserved one punch, but only one punch. He was, after all, one of only three other people left on this planet that Nick considered "family." It was a bizarre, hodge-podge of a family, but a sort of family nonetheless.
Nick sighed again, now beginning to think about that word- Family. Nick never had much of a family in his entire life. As a child, his parents were drug users and alcoholics, so there wasn't much in the "warm, fuzzy feeling" department there. Once Nick ran away from home, he never spoke to either of his parents again. Nick kept sporadic contact with his brother, Ross, but even that was strained as Ross had a "come to Jesus" fit after leaving their parents' house, and frequently urged Nick to find the savior as well. Every time he spoke to Ross, he would try to convince Nick that Jesus would heal his hurts. Nick would argue that whiskey healed hurts WAY better than God, and Ross would then adopt a tone of disdainful disappointment, so Nick didn't bother calling much.
Beyond his birth family, Nick had one failed marriage under his expensive belt. Yes, he was a heavy drinker, but he still remembered it all, clear as crystal. Nick had met Tracy in a hotel bar. She looked unbelievably sexy- her short blonde hair fell in ringlets, waves and curls all around her face, framing her dainty features beautifully. She had on a white dress that mixed class with sex appeal- it was slightly low-cut in the cleavage area, it was a tight dress, but fell at the knee rather than being short and skanky. She had a very Marilyn Monroe-esque appeal about her. It was this that made Nick's eyes fix unwaveringly onto her that night.
She had the kind of look that would make men both aroused and terrified, but Nick was smoother. A few guys had sat next to her in the bar and were shot down, but Nick took a different approach. Instead, he took a seat several chairs away, not even bothering to look at her, feigning aloofness.
He sipped on a whiskey, watching out of the corner of his eye as Tracy frequently glanced over. He knew that such a pretty woman was not used to men ignoring her. She was the type who was used to men fawning, mumbling and bumbling over her. It was this fact that made Tracy interested in him- because he was so different. Almost on cue, Tracy ran her fingers together before resting her chin in her hands, smiling at him.
"Aren't you going to buy me a drink?" she asked.
"Am I?" Nick said, barely even giving her a glance before looking back to his glass.
"Well, I mean….if you want to," Tracy said, very confused as to why Nick wasn't jumping out of his seat and running over to buy her a drink.
Nick gave a slick smirk, knowing his plan had worked. He finished the drink he had, got up and slowly walked over to the stool next to her. He pulled his designer wallet out of the pocket of his Gucci jacket, flashing a wad of cash stuffed inside the wallet. He pulled out a fifty dollar bill and nodded at the bartender, who immediately trotted over after spotting the large bill.
"Single malt scotch," Nick said, "And…" He nodded towards Tracy.
"Martini. Dirty," she cooed in a sexy whisper and a smile at Nick.
Nick furrowed his brow at her suggestiveness, and looked back to the bartender, handing him the fifty.
"Keep the change," Nick said coolly as he took a seat next to Tracy.
The bartender almost fell to the floor at such a hefty tip. He sprang into action, immediately serving Tracy and Nick their drinks. They both sipped them slowly, staring at each other and smiling.
"Thanks for the drink….?" Tracy said.
"Nick." He said with a nod.
"Nick," Tracy reiterated, "I'm Tracy."
She offered her hand, which Nick took and softly ran his thumb over her wrist.
"So what brings you to Vegas, Nick?" Tracy asked.
"Business," Nick said. He did not seek to divulge further.
"What about you?" Nick asked her.
"I live here," she said.
Nick nodded and smiled, "So what do you do?"
"I'm a cocktail waitress at the Palms," Tracy said.
Nick's brows furrowed yet again. He knew that she probably made a good amount of cash herself.
"So what do you do?" Tracy asked.
"A little bit of everything," Nick replied flippantly.
That night they talked and laughed for three hours before going up to Nick's hotel room for what was the best sex of his life at that point.
At first Nick had all intent of making Tracy a one-nighter, but something drew him to her, and he decided to stick around in Vegas. Nick went to the Palms sometimes while she worked. She would see Nick on the casino floor, and then she would meet him in the parking garage on her work breaks to have sex in his car. It was heaven for Nick- she was a woman who made her own money, was independent, mostly left him alone except for sex, and didn't require much work. Occasionally they would get a drink together, or go out to dinner, but these "dates" were usually just a result of Tracy having the day off work and Nick still wanting to see her for sex.
After six months of their casual relationship, Tracy began growing annoyed with this style of association. She bitched because her friends said it was slutty to have a sex-only relationship. Nick didn't want to lose such a vixen, so he clenched his teeth and asked Tracy to move in with him. They moved into a condo in a high-rise just moments away from the strip.
They spent the next six months together in relative peace. Tracy and Nick both were out during the days- Tracy would work and Nick would con. They would come home in the afternoon, have sex, take showers and go out at night- Tracy would usually go out with her friends and Nick would go out to do some more gambling and scamming.
Occasionally, when Tracy would be a little restless, Nick would take her out for a romantic evening, which would make her a lot happier. This was a routine Nick was very pleased with
However, after their one-year anniversary passed, Tracy started up her bitching again about their relationship. This time, she complained that their relationship wasn't serious, so Nick proposed. A part of him told him not to, but a bigger part of him reasoned that she didn't complain all that frequently, and when she did there was always an easy solution- so that was a girl he could marry. He also reasoned that she allowed him to run his cons and do his gambling without any hassle, so he assumed that if there was one woman on the earth he should marry, it should be her. So they eloped in a Vegas chapel, much to the annoyance of Tracy's friends (whom Nick grew to hate).
Nick had heard of the "honeymoon period" of marriage wearing off after a year, but he was floored at how true that rang in his marriage to Tracy. After a year, Tracy began growing mopey, sad, pitiful, angry, and discontent. Most of her friends moved away from Vegas, including her four best friends who moved out of state. This made her hate her job, which she then quit. Jobless and now friendless, Tracy started giving Nick grief every time he went anywhere without her. Unfortunately, though he offered to take her with him to a casino, she refused- saying that working in a casino for years made her hate them. Nick began growing resentful at her helplessness and constant complaining. He was baffled at how she could give him grief for gambling and conning, but she refused to give up the luxury condo they lived in, and she refused to give up her expensive spending habits.
One major thing she now griped about was children. Usually when Tracy wanted something, Nick would do it just to get her to be happy. This, however, was a life-time commitment that he wasn't willing to give in to. Nick couldn't explain why, but he didn't want children at all. She always demanded an explanation, which Nick simply didn't have. He also didn't believe in having children in hopes that it would repair a strained relationship- that wouldn't be fair to a defenseless child. For Nick, a child should be something both parents want because they love children, not a band-aid for a bad marriage.
However, even if their marriage was perfect, Nick didn't think he would want kids. They just weren't appealing to him. He didn't understand why people wanted kids- why people would give up happy social lives to stay shackled to their homes because they have to watch their children. Maybe Nick was selfish, but he enjoyed his life without children and saw no reason to change it.
However, he did feel bad that she was unhappy. Nick thought of himself as not being the worst guy on the planet. She was his wife, after all, and he didn't WANT for her to be miserable. Nick, himself, felt helpless in not being able to make her happy. He felt less adequate as a husband for not being able to sweep away her misery.
This dragged out for over a year. It was a vicious cycle of him going out, him coming home, her yelling at him, and him buying her something expensive to get her to stop being mad at him, but having it rarely work. Nick was miserable. He felt insufficient and worthless. What was once gambling just for money was turning into gambling to stay away from his wife and the misery he felt being around her.
A few months before their third wedding anniversary (four years total of being together), Tracy started going out again, which Nick enjoyed. She seemed a little bit happier, which she contributed to meeting new friends. She also brought up children a LOT less frequently, which made Nick happier. On the day of their three year wedding anniversary, Tracy told Nick that one of her girlfriends was going to Europe and the girls were going to have a girls' night to say goodbye. She told him to go out gambling and have fun. She kissed him goodbye and left. Nick got dressed himself and went to the casino.
However, Nick couldn't shake off a feeling of guilt. It was his third wedding anniversary, and he was alone at a casino. His guilt caused his game to suffer, and he was losing a considerable amount of money. He decided to call it quits early, grabbed a bouquet of flowers and headed home. On the way home, he was struck by a peculiar determination to make things right with Tracy. Spending their third wedding anniversary alone was a wake-up call for Nick. He knew that living separately while married wasn't right. They barely saw each other anymore, because Nick gambled all the time and Tracy spent almost every night out. He was determined to fix it, because he still cared for her.
When Nick got home, he opened the door and saw lit candles on the floor. He smiled and his stomach fluttered. He was thrilled that Tracy had done something romantic for their anniversary. Nick felt that, although they weren't a perfect couple, there was still a foundation of love there- and that's what mattered. It was like a house- the house can always be repaired and over-hauled, but if there isn't a good foundation then it's pointless.
Nick heard the muffled sounds of what he guessed was television in the bedroom. He worried that perhaps he had made her wait too long, so he wasted no time walking back to the room and opening the door, smiling.
Unfortunately, the smile quickly flipped into a face of rage, as he saw his wife facing the door, naked, riding the cock of someone whose face was obscured by his wife's naked body.
Tracy's eyes snapped open, and she looked at Nick in terror.
"N…NICK? What are you doing here?"
Nick threw the flowers onto the floor and stomped over to the bed, pulling his wife up by her arm.
"What am I doing here? It's MY house that I PAY FOR!"
He pulled his wife off the bed and pulled the man underneath up as well. He slammed the man into the wall, crushing the dry wall under the man and leaving a considerably large hole.
"NICK!" Tracy yelled.
"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?" Nick hissed, teeth bared and his face flushed scarlet red with fury.
"I'm…I'm…J…JOHN!" the man said, terrified and tearing up.
Nick pulled John forward and slammed him back again, digging him more into the dry-wall and causing the hole to get bigger.
"If you EVER touch my wife again or come even NEAR her I will KILL you! And if you think I'm joking, then TRY ME!" Nick yelled in the man's face.
He then pulled the man out of the dry-wall and threw him to the floor. The man was only able to grab his pants as he ran out of the door. Nick grabbed the rest of the man's clothes, as well as Tracy's on the floor, shoved them into Tracy's arms, as well as a wad of cash.
"GET OUT OF MY FUCKIN' HOUSE!" Nick yelled.
"No! I'm not leaving. This is MY house, too and I demand we talk about it!" Tracy yelled back, teary eyed.
"You're not leaving? FINE! I WILL!" Nick yelled, grabbing his money back from Tracy and walking out with a hard slam of the door behind him.
He spent that night at a casino hotel nearby. He got a bottle of whiskey, chugged half the bottle before looking into the mirror, miserably.
"Happy FUCKIN' anniversary, prick!" Nick said to his own reflection before turning around, falling face-first into the bed and passing out.
The next day, after throwing up his whiskey from the night before, he checked out of his room and dragged himself home miserably. When he opened the door, he saw Tracy had packed up all of her belongings and was standing there, waiting for him teary eyed.
"Nick, I am SO sorry!" Tracy said when Nick came in. She tried to hug him, but he slowly pulled her arms off him and wiggled out of her grasp.
"Nick, PLEASE talk to me!" she cried.
"There's nothing to talk about," Nick said.
"Nick! Please! We have to talk!" she begged.
Nick looked in the kitchen and saw that Tracy had put the flowers he bought her into a vase. They were slightly wilted from being stepped on by Nick and John, but Tracy had put them in her nicest vase nonetheless. Unfortunately, Nick took this as a slap in the face. It felt like an insult to have his wife's peace offering on display- a mockery of his emotions because he had bought them in hopes of repairing their relationship, only to find his wife in bed with another guy. Enraged and prodded by the flowers, and fueled by a hung-over rage, Nick finally decided to confront his wife.
"THOSE flowers," Nick said, jabbing his finger towards the vase, "Were an apologetic peace offering for YOU! I came here last night, looking to patch things up and make things right because you're my WIFE. Instead I came upon the scene of your romantic evening with your BOYFRIEND! So EXCUSE me, but I'm a little lost for words."
"Nick, I'm sorry!"
"You should have thought about how SORRY you were BEFORE you planned a little candle-lit fuck session with JOHNNY BOY! And you should have thought about how sorry you were BEFORE I looked like a moron, trying to win the heart of an unfaithful WHORE!"
Tracy looked enraged at this last comment, but choked it down.
"Nick, the candles weren't for John. They were for you!"
"Sure they were, cupcake. Sure they were."
"I'm SERIOUS!" Tracy said, crying again, "I went out with John, but I felt horrible and wretched and guilty, so I came home and lit the candles for a romantic night with YOU. John showed up and…and…."
"And you welcomed him with open legs!" Nick said with a maniacal laugh.
"You don't have to be so vicious, Nick! I'm sorry! It was a horrible mistake!" she cried.
"Mistake?" Nick mocked, "A random guy didn't just show up at our door and you just fucked a stranger. He wasn't the UPS guy, cupcake, and this wasn't a cheesy porno! How long have you been fucking him?"
"That night was the only time! I swear!" Tracy wailed.
"Well, how long have you been SEEING him?" Nick said.
"A few months." Tracy admitted, hanging her head in shame, embarrassment, and misery.
Nick sucked in his cheeks and shook his head, "I'm supposed to believe that you've been seeing him for MONTHS and the other night was the first and ONLY time you've fucked?"
"Yes!" Tracy said, "I know it's hard to believe, and you have every right to distrust me, but PLEASE believe me, Nick. It started out as just a friendship, and then it kinda turned into a relationship, but I've only kissed him. Every time he's tried to have sex with me, I've turned him down because I felt so horrible for even being around him."
"THEN WHY DID YOU DO IT? Usually when people don't like doing something because it feels horrible, then they DON'T DO IT!"
"BECAUSE HE WAS THERE!" Tracy yelled back, "He was THERE and you NEVER are! Being with him felt bad, but being alone felt worse! I hate being here alone, knowing my HUSBAND would rather spend time at a casino than with his wife. John was there for me! He always treated me with respect and listened to me! You are ALWAYS so dismissive, especially about having children."
This hit Nick in the gut hard. He knew that his refusal to have children would cause something bad to happen, and now he was looking it in the face.
Nick now knew that it was his fault. He had been absent as a husband, and dismissive as a partner. Whenever she brought up kids, Nick insisted that she drop it and that was that. Not ever wanting to talk about children, Nick adopted a broader "not wanting to talk about anything" stance in their marriage. He knew his dismissive behavior caused his wife to seek companionship elsewhere. She just wanted to be heard, and Nick didn't provide that. Guilty about being so unconcerned and absent for so long, Nick finally caved and agreed to let Tracy stay in their home.
Unfortunately, the damage was done. He had repaired the hole in the wall, but spent many, many nights staring at it from their bed. Their relationship, he thought, was like that wall in a lot of ways. Although it was patched up, it never was the same. It was always weaker, it was always different, and it was always broken underneath the layer of patching.
Nick had lost all trust and respect for Tracy and was barely able to look at her, much less sleep with her. He wasn't able to engage intimacy for a long while without remembering that horrid night. Instead, Nick decided to seek intimacy elsewhere- anywhere. Over the next year, he cheated on Tracy more times than he could count. He stayed married to her because he knew that's what she wanted, and because he felt like he owed it to her. She had nowhere to go- her friends were all married and had kids, so she couldn't move in with them, and she refused to go back to Oregon with her family. Nick knew that she never cheated on him again, but that didn't stop him from cheating on her. He felt like cheating on her was the only way to make up for what she did to him, but it wasn't the same. She had a relationship with John, and his trysts were just casual sex with strangers. It was meaningless, stupid and hollow. Her relationship was deeper—and it was a deeper stab at Nick's heart that casual sex with sluts wouldn't be able to match.
Instead of trying to match the level of insult, he instead focused on getting back at her. He remained feeling unshakably burned by Tracy, because she had been sneaking around behind his back to be in a secret relationship. He felt burned because he had brought home flowers only to find his wife riding John like a horse. He felt so burned it made him sick. Therefore, his motives for cheating became less "trying to get even" as much as it was "hurting her as much as possible because I'm still hurt."
This went on for a year. Inevitably, as Nick guessed it would happen, it came crashing down when Tracy found panties in Nick's suit pants.
"WHAT is this?" She shrieked through tears.
"I've been cheating on you," Nick said emotionlessly.
"What? HOW COULD YOU!" Tracy wailed, "Who was it with?"
"I don't remember," Nick answered honestly.
"How many people have you slept with?" she wailed.
"I don't know. Maybe 15, 20."
"Wh…what? Since when?"
"Since you and John," Nick said, getting a glass of scotch from the kitchen.
"How could you do this? You are a horrible human being and a horrible cheater!" Tracy yelled.
"There's the pot calling the kettle black!" Nick sneered.
"It's different, I'm actually SORRY! I only did it ONCE! You've done it 20 times!" Tracy said.
"Apparently, it's only okay if YOU cheat, but not me." Nick mumbled.
"I did it ONCE and it was a mistake that I've never repeated! You've done it SO many times!" she cried, "I want a divorce."
"Fine. Just get the papers and I'll sign them. You can mail them to the front desk at the Bellagio." He didn't even bother drinking the glass of scotch. Instead he just walked out of their home and never returned. She, as instructed, mailed divorce papers to the Bellagio. She also had packed his stuff (albeit haphazardly) into boxes and put them into a storage unit.
And that was the end of a four year marriage.
Nick sometimes thought back to the hole in the wall, such as nights like tonight. He wondered what it looked like now. He always imagined that another couple- one that was more in love- probably moved into their war-torn condo in Las Vegas. He pictured a man and his pretty wife moving in, falling in love with every inch of his old condo-THEIR old condo- except for the one poorly patched spot on the wall. The man probably would fix it, doing a better job at repairing it than Nick did; and the couple would then probably paint the walls a warm brown or beige color, rather than the cold, stark white he and Tracy had it as. The wall would be perfect again, erasing all memories of a broken family that inhabited it once upon a time.
Nick looked over to the sleeping members of his make-shift family. Nick knew he would never have a perfect family- it simply wasn't in the cards for him- but he thought that this family was the best one. His past families have been all devoid of trust. This family, however, could always be trusted to be there, which was something Nick was grateful for.
He looked around the boat once again, not seeing a single patched wall on it. Just a skylight that was now allowing the first glimmer of sunlight to shine through.