Title: Ignorance is Bliss

Summary: For MinervaSnape394. Red and Gloria gradually develop their friendship into something deeper. Takes place after Nicky is in Max and will cover many 'behind the scene' moments through the series. Red/Gloria future Femslash warning. Re-written & Re-posted.

Disclaimer: I do not own OITNB or any of its characters. They belong to Jenji Kohen, I do, however, own my writing so please don't steal- Johanna002©

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A/N: So, we're going to try this again. I wrote and posted a story under this title a few months ago but took it down along with a couple other ones, for my lack of productivity with writing and updating was disheartening and overwhelming. However, now that I've got some time, I wanted to try and finish this story, which led to me completely re-writing it. So, without further ado...

Scene: Post S3E7 Days after Red resumed her role in the kitchen.

-01-

Rain poured unforgivingly against the windowsill, and the thunder that clapped violently in the sky was eerily disturbing to her ears. In fact, it disturbed her more than it should have. She had never, not even as a child, been afraid of storms. In all actuality, she had always found comfort in them. There was something beautiful and frighteningly magnificent about the way nature reacted and expressed itself. Because, like her, nature had many sides. What was beautiful, and alluring, could be seen in another light as frightening, and damaging.

It was how, actually, she saw her situation now. The loss of her child. Her Nicky. A piece of her heart felt as if it had been physically torn from her chest. Every step that Nicky was lead, cuffed and in the arms of a CO, was every cut and tear that was made into her flesh, into her tissue, disconnecting her from the very beating muscle that kept her alive. It was tragic. Losing Nicky was tragic, and the unknown of whether or not she would ever see her again was stirring within her, making her crazy. Wondering if Nicky would be strong enough to endure the hurtles that came her way, without her support and love guiding her through, was maddening.

There seemed to be nowhere for her thoughts to go. There was no escaping her grief. All she could do was submerge in it. Allow herself to feel every part of it. She guessed that was where the beauty of the situation came in. Loving someone, loving Nicky, the way that she did, was a beautiful, soul-consuming connection that she was in awe of. She had never, before having children, loved someone so wholeheartedly that she would die for them. No questions asked, no pondering or debating about her decision—she knew, with everything that made her whole, that she would die for her kids. Her sons, her girl, they were her entire world.

And now, her world felt incomplete. Empty. The rug had been pulled from beneath her and she was stumbling to find her footing. She didn't feel like her, but she couldn't put a finger on who she was. Identity was all anyone had after all, but what did you do when it felt like nothing fit. In her lifetime of fifty-seven years, she had lived in three distinct worlds, with three distinct versions of herself. There was the young, Russian woman who dreamed of the impossible, and desired a world of choices and adventure. There was the devoted wife and mother that she had been, the businesswoman who was relatively pleased and humbled in the life that she lived. Finally, there was Red. Enough said.

As she continued to listen to the sound of rainfall, the book she had long ago given up reading, laid against her abdomen. Nothing held her attention much these days. She couldn't find comfort, or even stimulation, in her movements the way she once had. Not even getting back into the kitchen had fulfilled her. She hadn't had to slave long under Gloria's command, but in comparison to the slop she now she had to dish out, she can't say she wouldn't have preferred it. Rubbing a hand over her face, she sighed tiredly. Nothing made sense. Her own thoughts just ran endlessly in a circle, exhausting her beyond anything she had ever felt.

The sound of movement outside her cube caught her attention, and Red averted her eyes from where they had been focused on the ceiling. Recognizing Gloria, she immediately pushed herself up into a sitting position, her legs drawing inward toward her chest.

"What are you doing in here?" She asked sharply. "This isn't your dorm."

"I know," Gloria waved the yogurt she had in her hands. A strawberry peace offering. "You haven't been eating. Thought maybe you'd like the last one."

"The food is hardly appetizing these days," Red grumbled.

"Well, if you don't lay off the Cup O'noodles you're going to give yourself a heart attack," Gloria told her wisely. "Too much sodium for someone your age."

"My age?" Red repeated thickly. "Pretty bold of you, isn't it Mendoza?"

"You're gonna be wishing you listened to bold when they have to cut you open and unclog your arteries."

Red's features softened, a ghost of a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. She watched as Gloria crossed the threshold into her cube. Without invitation, the younger woman sat on the foot of the bed, tucking one leg beneath her. She ripped off the top of the yogurt easily, passing the creamy deliciousness and spoon over to Red without another word.

"Thanks," Red whispered. She exhaled a breath before dipping her spoon into the yogurt, and then slowly bringing it to her lips.

"No problem," Gloria waved her way. She licked her tongue across the top she had peeled from the yogurt. Humming as the small, heavenly taste coated her tongue. Crunching the foil in her hand, she surveyed her eyes around the small space. It didn't look any different from Spanish Harlem, not that she had really expected it to, but still, it was weird to find herself here.

With so much animosity between the tribes, it was easy to build up in your head that one had it better on the other side. She was realizing now, not for the first time, that prison was prison. It was going to suck whether you were Latina or Black, fuck, even Russian. They were all the same pons, just in a different chess match.

"Good?" She asked. The sound of Red's spoon scraping against the bottom of her yogurt pulled her from her thoughts. She smiled at the nod she received in answer. Watching as Red slowly pulled the spoon from between her lips, she rolled her eyes at the smears of lipstick she could see stained against the yellow plastic.

"How do you wear that stuff?" Gloria asked. She stood up from where she had been sitting and walked over to Piper's side of the cube. She touched her hands along the items on her locker, frowning at a picture of Piper and her mother.

"What stuff?" Red asked, raising her brow as she watched Gloria scrutinize the photo.

Gloria set the photograph down and turned to face Red's locker. "Makeup," she said.

She sat in the chair tucked beneath the older woman's makeshift vanity and flipped her fingers through the stack of books that were pilled on the corner. She could feel Red's eyes burning into her, but she didn't care. It was so unlike her to be as brazen as she was, but she reasoned that she may never have another opportunity to snoop through Red's belongings.

She opened a drawer and reached inside for the large manila envelope that had been stored away. She had just been about to open it when she felt it ripped from her hands.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Red asked angrily.

"Oh, come on," Gloria sighed. "Between the CO's and Nicky, I thought you'd be used to someone always going through your things." She reclined back in the chair and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Don't you have people you can bother?" Red asked her dryly. "Aleida, or your one friend with the bushy brow? Or better yet, what about your sons? You had such a fit the other day, I'm surprised you're not spending every moment you can with them."

"My son hung up on me," Gloria told her quietly. "He's angry," she explained. "Rightfully so, I guess." She scratched nervously at the back of her neck, her bitten fingernails nicking her uncomfortably. "I'm not… entirely sure what to do, or where to go from here."

Red all but rolled her eyes. "Welcome to the club. Motherhood is not a one size fits all." She laid the manila envelope down on her lap as she adjusted her body to lean against the cement divide that separated her from the cube next door.

"Yea," Gloria agreed. "I just didn't think it would always be so difficult. I didn't think it would always be this difficult."

"I don't know if it's always this difficult," Red countered. "There's a lot of beautiful moments in it. Makes it worth enduring the difficult times. That's what I keep telling myself anyway. What I have to tell myself if I'm going to make it through this."

Gloria frowned at her sympathetically. "It's never easy," she whispered. "Losing a baby, being taken from your baby. They're practically the same side of the same fucked up coin."

Red grazed her fingers along the flap of the envelope. "It wasn't easy to leave my sons," she said. "But they had their father, they had his family. I think about Nicky and I wonder who has it worse. Is it wrong of me to think that it might be her?" She asked. "A part of me feels guilty that I'm so worried."

Gloria studied her composure but didn't comment. A frown pulled across Red's lips, her brows furrowing in distress as she focused on the shoes neatly placed under Piper's bed. The fear that coiled within in her was one that was nearly foreign. Dmitri, as boneheaded as he could be, was a decent father. He had been a decent husband. She would never go so far as to say he was the worst, but she wouldn't dare inflate his ego and call him the best either.

Despite the trouble he always seemed to draw her into, she had resided very little fear about his ability to get their sons through her absence. Her distress had purely resonated around herself and how she was going to serve a twenty-year sentence. She had run their family home, their business, and as she had allocated to a judge, the agreement of her plea deal, their involvement in the laundering money for the Mafia.

For so many years she had co-existed between these two worlds of Galina and what was left of her, and what she had to look forward to, and Red, who she currently was, and who she had to be, to survive tomorrow. But now, she was clueless as to who she was or who she was supposed to morph into. Her sons were grown men. Her business was gone. Her marriage was over. What did Galina have left to live for? Not much, by her accounts. But Red was hardly better. Her kitchen was not her own. Her meals—couldn't even be considered meals, and Nicky, her sweet, infuriating, stupid-decision making Nicky, was gone. So, who was she? What was she, besides the same side of the same fucked up coin?

"What if she isn't okay?" Red asked worriedly. "I mean, she's obviously not okay." She ran a nervous hand through her hair. "I've lost Tricia-"

"You didn't lose Tricia, Red," Gloria told her calmly, though her face was contorted in alarm. "It was a tragic loss, and I'm very, but you did not lose her. It wasn't your fault."

Red shook her head in objection. "I pushed her away," she whispered. "I wasn't… a very good mother to her. You're supposed to be there for your kids, not outcast them. I didn't even realize Nicky had slipped. I don't… I don't understand."

"If we understood everything that happened, it takes away the element of surprise," Gloria said. She moved closer to Red, dragging the chair with her. She leaned forward to prop herself up on her elbows.

Red traced her fingers along the corners of the envelope. "Don't tell me you're one of those people," she scoffed. "One of those blind believers-everything happens for a reason, nonsense."

Gloria smiled at her. "I don't think things happen for a reason," she assured her. "Thinking that way would lead me to question my faith, and in here its all I have." She paused, the silence of her words settling peacefully between them. "But I do believe everything comes with a lesson. Whether we choose to learn from it or play blind is another matter, but, I don't know," she shrugged. "It helps me sleep at night."

"At least one of us is able to sleep at night," Red sighed. Leaning her head back, she smiled sadly at Gloria. "Thank you," she whispered.

"For what?" Glroia quietly quiet when Red didn't bother to explain. The pair of them smiled at one another, a sparkle igniting deep in Gloria's eyes as she watched Red begin to relax more fluidly into the moment.

"Checking on me?" It was a question more than it was a statement. "Listening to me. I don't really have anyone to talk about this with. I keep trying to make sense of it in my head, but," she shook her head. "I'll never understand her addiction."

"Understand that it isn't personal," Gloria reached out to touch her arm. "It's not because she wants to hurt you, Red. It's something in her, or maybe it's something with her parents, or, who knows. I won't pretend to understand it. It's not something I've ever dealt with."

Red nodded in understanding. She covered Gloria's hand where it laid against her. "Thank you."

"What are friends for?" Gloria smiled.

"We're friends?" Red asked her, smirking.

Gloria chuckled. "Well, I certainly wouldn't be so nice to my enemy. I did give you back the kitchen after all. I would hope that makes you think more highly of me." Her hand continued to touch Red's arm and Red's hand still covered her own.

"Hmm," Red considered to ponder. "I guess you aren't so bad."

"Thanks," Gloria said dryly. Shaking her head and rolling her eyes upward, she couldn't help but be amused by Red. As frustrating as she often found her, she enjoyed her company. She enjoyed talking to her and listening to the wild thoughts and ideas that raced through her mind.

In a lot of ways, Red was much more hopeful than she could ever remember being. She was a dreamer. She was smart and funny, though she often didn't mean to be, and Gloria found herself drawn to her in ways she had never been to anyone else. She had never felt particularly challenged (in a good way) by a relationship before, not platonic or personal. Arturo was a nightmare, and she hadn't ever been someone who had many friends. Though she loved Aleida, and she loved Daya, those relationships didn't challenge her intellectually, she was always more mentally exhausted than anything.

Red challenged her though. She always had to be on her toes. She never knew what the older woman was going to do next, let alone what she was going to say. It was intriguing to argue back and forth with her, not to mention a little amusing. She was often underestimated, and she enjoyed the moments when she was able to catch Red off guard. It took a lot to rattle her, and Gloria prided herself in being able to do so. At the feel of faint scratching against the top of her wrist, she averted her eyes downward, catching the light stroke of Red's scarlet nails as they grazed along her skin. Her movements were so soft and delicate, Gloria wondered if she even realized what she was doing.

Grabbing the envelope from the bottom, Red tipped it over. The pictures and letters that had been neatly folded inside fell into her lap and she sighed as she sorted them into their piles. She could feel Gloria's surprise at her actions, but she wordlessly handed her the largest paper among the dozen on her lap.

"Certificate of divorce," Gloria read aloud. She shook her head in amusement. "Well, congratulations."

"Thank you," Red chuckled. "You're the first one who's been thrilled by the news."

Gloria set the paper down and reached for the picture that had fallen closest to her. "Your kids?" She asked, studying the smiling faces grinning up at her.

Red nodded, watching her features as Gloria picked up another picture. She seemed more interested than she had when she had been scrutinizing Piper's picture.

"Cute," she said simply. "What about your husband, what does he look like?"

Red found one of the two of them. It was from the early years of their courtship when they were still in Russia.

"This is you?" Gloria asked in amassment.

"I was a young girl once," Red said thickly. "I wasn't always old, contrary to your belief."

"I don't think you're that old, you act like I called you ancient or something." Gloria defended herself. "I didn't expect you to look this good either, though." She smiled as the younger, thinner version of Red, who couldn't seem any more annoyed if she tried, glared at her. "Your husband's really cute," Gloria smirked. "Why do you look so angry?"

"Because he was an idiot," Red scoffed.

"Well, I've known plenty of those." Gloria empathized.

Red smiled at her. "What about you?" She asked. She turned Gloria's hand over in her own and began to scratch her nails along the inside of her wrist. It felt so incredibly natural that it was weird.

"What about me?"

"Are you divorced?" Red asked. "I've never seen a man come to visit you."

"You have to get married to get divorced," Gloria said softly.

Red looked surprised. "Never?" She questioned. "You have two children."

Gloria raised a brow at her disapprovingly. "You don't have to be married to have children."

"It certainly helps," Red countered.

"I don't know about you," Gloria began, "but being unmarried had very little effect on how quickly I was able to conceive or give birth."

"Don't be a wise ass," Red reprimanded her. "You know what I mean. To raise them, to guide them. It's always wise to have two parents in the home."

"Igh," Gloria shook her head in disagreement. "Not if it's an unhappy, violent home. No one deserves to be surrounded in that." She sighed tiredly. "I wish I had thought as clearly as I do now about it," she whispered sadly. "But once you're out of it, I guess you begin to see things more clearly."

Red's eyes widened. "Abusive?"

Gloria nodded. "It wasn't always bad, but, it wasn't always good."

"I'm surprised," Red said. "You don't seem like the type-"

"What type is that?" Gloria asked defensively.

Red arched a brow in response. "I just mean, you have a strong personality. I would have never guessed." She sighed. "Dmitri was more of an idiot than anything. Aside from the trouble toward the end, I would say we had a relative happiness."

"You don't sound convinced."

"It wasn't what a little girl dreams of," Red stressed. "It wasn't all horrible though. We had a beautiful family, and for the most part, we made it work." She handed Gloria another picture. It was one of the last family photos she had before her arrest. "I look at how happy we were, and I don't see how, despite the lack of passion, it could have been wrong to shapeshift myself and live the rest of my life in that role. I see Nicky and it saddens me that she never got this, that she was denied this. Her mother was cruel-"

"Hey," Gloria said, closing her hand around Red's. "You only have one side of the story. There are always three, everyone knows that. Her side, Nicky's side, and the truth. Nicky's angry, so, keep in mind that you have to take what she says with a grain of salt. I know you love her, but she is not an angel. If she were, she wouldn't be in here."

"That's entirely unfair," Red scoffed. "Considering you don't even know the story. You hardly know Nicky."

"Until she came to prison you didn't know Nicky," Gloria countered. "You of all people should know parenting is not easy. I've heard how she runs her mouth. I'm sure her mother just… surpassed her limit."

"Her mother never even tried," Red hissed. "What kind of mother just checks out on her kids? From what Nicky's said she was practically raised by her nanny." She shook her head in disgust. "I would never do such a thing," she declared passionately. "Neither would you and you know it. As protective of your kids as you are Gloria, you know you wouldn't just walk away from them. Is there ever an excuse for that?"

Gloria stayed silent. She could come up with a hundred reasons why the pressure would be too much, but she knew well enough to know that Red would rebuttal them without listening to reason.

"Women were meant to be mothers," Red said passionately. "I truly believe that. Whether or not all should become one is another matter, but by nature alone, it is our calling."

"I don't think I was meant to be a mother," Gloria confessed with a shake of her head.

"How could you say that?"

"Don't get me wrong I love my kids. I would do anything for them, but look at where I am," Gloria whispered. She shook her head sadly. "And I mean, not just because I am in here," she said. "But it's hard. Being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever done. I love them so much, but sometimes I wonder if bringing them into this world was a mistake. From where I sit that decision now feels entirely selfish, and unfair."

Red waved her free hand, stopping Gloria off from continuing. She didn't want to sit and listen to her say things she'd later regret.

"But it's true," Gloria breathed. "I have two little—well, they're not little. But I have two teenagers that practically hate me in all the ways you can hate a person. I have two grown girls who I haven't seen in God knows how long, and they're only doing God knows what."

"You have four children?" A look of surprise pulled across Red's face.

The corner of Gloria's mouth pulled into a smile. "Four," she confirmed with a nod. "And I feel like I've ruined each and every one of them."

Red squeezed her hand. "I don't think you have anything to worry about," she told her sincerely. "If they have even half of your strength, I'm sure they'll be just fine."

Gloria nodded her head, but it was obvious that she didn't believe her. However, that didn't stop her from offering Red the same kind of support. "If you believe that, then you need to believe that after all the time Nicky's spent under your care, that she's picked up enough strength from you that she will be okay, too."

Red squinted at her. "I feel like you set me up for this conversation."

"If it makes you feel any better," Gloria smiled, squeezing her hand. "Then of course."