ganzel never happened. pre lewis, post stabler leaving
The bar was filled with smoke and the faint sounds of an Aerosmith song. It was busier than normal, there were only a few bar stools left open and a group of officers in the back playing pool. The pair sat close together, him resting his arm on the back of her chair.
"Three shots of tequila." He told the bartender.
"I didn't peg you for a tequila kind of guy." She insinuated, bringing her finger to mix the foam of her now warm beer. The bartender set the glasses down, pouring the bottle of Patron into them carefully. He reached for the first shot and brought it up to his nose, breathing the aging citrus flavor in. He let out a light moan and she rolled her eyes. He brought the glass to his lips and quickly poured the alcohol into his mouth.
"What about the salt and lime?" She quirked an eyebrow at him. He shook his head, baffled that she would even ask him that question.
"That shits for pussies." He replied, downing his next shot, "If you drink tequila with salt and lime, you don't like tequila."
"Good to know." She said before taking a swig of her drink.
Another shot.
"Hey man, can I get three more for the pretty lady to my right?"
"Oh, no. I'm good, really. I don't do tequila." She tried to persuade him but he was not having it. The bartender sat the shots in front of her and she gave him a look.
"Just put it to your lips and drink it. No, don't smell it." He instructed her, raising his hand to bring the glass back to her lips when she attempted it.
"You smelled it."
"Do as I say, not as I do. Now drink."
And just like that, their beautiful, yet, complicated relationship had begun. No candlelit dinner. No flowers. No holding hands down the streets of crowded people. Just a bar, tequila, and a sloppy one night stand. She wished she could say it was more romantic than that. But the cold hard truth was just that. He had gotten her drunk off her ass. Off tequila. Something she swore she would never drink again after college. But the way it felt when he placed his hand on her thigh, she would drink a whole fucking bottle just to feel it again.
He was her addiction. The high she needed when he would place kisses on her body. The rush she felt when he would take her up against the wall, mere seconds away from her coworkers walking in. The dependency she craved when he would bring her to the brink of an orgasm. He was something she just couldn't quit, no matter how hard she tried. And the worst part of it all, he had absolutely no fucking idea how much she loved him.
Loved.
Damn you Brian Cassidy.
"Liv, ya ready to go?" He asked, peering his head around the corner to her bedroom.
"Yeah, can you zip me up?" She turned around to meet his stare. He wiggled his eyebrows and let out a whistle.
"You look hot." He whispered in her ear, taking the piece of metal between his fingers and zipping up the back of her dress. Placing wet, quick kisses on the tanned soft skin of her back, she let out laugh.
"You really know how to woo a woman, don't you?" Olivia moaned as she turned around in his embrace, wrapping her arms around his neck.
It was the night of the annual New York Police Department Gala. Hundreds of decorated officers, commanders, and detectives would be honored and recognized by the state of New York City for their heroic and brave actions.
"It's a croc of shit, Liv." Brian rolled his eyes at the idea of attending a dinner alongside the cities biggest asshats.
"I know, and I get that you would rather be caught dead than at this gala. But will you please go? For me?" Olivia pleaded, grabbing hold of his jacket and pulling him close to her.
"Liv…" He tried.
"Please. I'll make it worth your while."
"Fine. But I'm only going because of the open bar."
She was ecstatic when Brian agreed to go with her, and now, looking at themselves in the mirror- her dress pulled above her thighs, panties around her ankles, pressed against the wall while Brian whispered dirty things into her ear, his hips moving at an unbelievable pace- she is sure there is nobody else she would rather go with.
"Come on, we're gonna be late." Olivia said hastily, pulling the black lace up her legs and her dress back down.
"What a shame. Wouldn't want to miss the royal ball, would we?" Brian smirked, zipping up his pants. He grabbed Olivia's purse and opened the front door for her. "Ladies first."
She had always loved Brian's place. It was a small studio apartment; the walls covered with exposed brick, hardwood floors that creaked when you walked across them, and wooden beams along the ceiling. Windows lined one wall leading out to his fire escape- decorated solely with a dead fern and a box crate covered with a blanket. He had a bookcase in the corner that was filled with thousands of records, a pool table in the center of the room, and her favorite part of his apartment… a swing. It was held by two long strands of road, tied numerous times around the beamed ceiling. The first time Olivia had ever stepped foot into the room, she was taken aback.
"What in the actual fuck is that?"
Brian chuckled and plopped himself onto the piece of wood. "It's a swing. You ever seen one before?"
"In parks. Where children play. But never in a grown man's apartment." She cocked a brow.
"What a shame, I was planning on rocking your world on this swing." He shot her a toothy grin. She just rolled her eyes.
But, just like Brian, she had grown to love that rotted piece of garbage in the corner. Olivia had to admit, he brought out a side of her she never knew she had.
"You want a beer?" His question brought her back to the present.
"I'll have whatever you're having."
"Tequila it is." Brian poured them both a glass. Making his way across the room, he handed her one and plopped down on the sofa. The pair sat in silence for a few minutes, Olivia nursing her drink and Brian channel surfing.
"So?" She finally said, breaking the silence. He felt her mood shift and set the remote down, turning to face her.
"So."
She paused for a moment, opening her mouth to speak and then closing it.
"What're we doing, Brian?" Her voice was quiet, unrecognizable.
The question hit him like a ton of bricks. She had left him truly and utterly speechless.
"Uhh, we're about to watch a movie?"
Typical Brian move; deflecting confrontation with humor.
"No, I mean 'us'." Olivia instantly regretted even bringing it up. She wanted to laugh at how clingy and ridiculous she sounded. She was most definitely not like this with any man, ever. Oh the things this man did to her.
"Oh, that." He poured the rest of the tequila into his mouth and set the glass down on the table.
He was going to need way more than a shot to get through this.
"Look Liv," He paused for a moment, wracking his brain of something to say. Anything to say.
"I'm not into all that lovey dovey shit, you know that. But I think you're a great girl, and we're just having fun here, right?"
Fuck.
That was dumb.
She wasn't sure of how he was going to respond, but she most definitely didn't think it would be like that. She would be lying if she said that his remark hadn't hurt her, and it was visibly written all over her face. How could she be so stupid?
"Liv, look. That came out wrong, that's not what I meant…." He tried.
"No, you're right. It's fine, it was a dumb question. Just forget about it. Please forget I said anything." She cut him off, discarding the glass onto the table and gathering her things.
"Hey, hey, hey. Come on, Olivia. You don't have to go." He jumped off the couch and chased after her. His hands came up to wrap around hers, stopping her from picking up her coat. He leaned his head down, an attempt to meet her eyes with his.
"I think it'd be best if I left."
Damn her stubbornness.
"Look, alright? It's late and it's raining and I wouldn't feel right letting you walk the streets of Brooklyn alone. We've both had a long week and plenty enough to drink. We'll just pretend it didn't happen, okay? Forget any of the dumb shit I said back there." Brian tried to persuade her, and for a moment he thought he had won.
"I'll call a cab." She broke free from his embrace and grabbed hold of the jacket.
This was not how she saw the night ending. She was embarrassed and ashamed of how naive she had been. She knew the kind of man he was, and yet, like the true dumbass she was, she fell madly in love with him. There was something about his roughness, his inability to let anyone close to him that had sucked her in. Olivia had spent the past three months weaseling her way in, an attempt to find that connection she knew was between them.
She knew he took his coffee black. She knew his takeout order from General Tsao's. He loved baseball, vinyl, and tequila. His favorite band was Cream and he had came from a big family. She knew the small details of his life, his past. But she didn't know his favorite color, if he wanted kids. She didn't know the whole Brian. And in that moment she realized it.
He was never going to open up to her.
So she left.
It was hard and it took everything in her body not to turn around. To wrap herself in his arms. To make love to him until the sun came up. But, instead, she kept walking. The tears didn't escape until she made it home. She poured a glass of wine and before long she opened the bottle of vodka.
She was going to need something a lot stronger to get through this.
Back at his apartment, Brian sat on the fire escape- a cigarette in one hand and the half empty bottle of tequila in the other. He took a puff, then a swig, then another puff.
He really did like Olivia. She had a great personality, a great vibe, a great body, and she was really great in bed. She was just…great.
He cursed himself for managing to fuck up another relationship. He could blame it on his childhood- his father's abuse. But he knew deep down it was his own fault. His own demons. He was closed off, independent- but it was all for a reason. Everyone he ever let in always fucked him over in the end. And he knew he should have told that to Olivia, atleast gave her a warning for the way he acted.
He just wasn't ready.
He never saw himself growing old or settling down. Dragging this thing on with Olivia was wrong and fucked up in so many ways. Maybe it was for the best. She deserved the world, even if he couldn't be the one to give it to her.