A/N: Please... Don't ask where this came from... I have absolutely NO idea whatsoever, and think I may be going insane... It deals with the idea of spirituality, religion and God knows what... Basically me allowing my brain and imagination to go insanely wild - something I doubt I will ever allow again. I think it grew out of me questioning religion (and no, I'm not that religious), and that sparked off a whole lot of "what-if's."
This is not necessarily my own belief - it was just interesting to see what would happen if I could develop it... I'm not entirely happy with it, but hey...
Disclaimer: ...Do you really think Dr Who belongs to me? Do you really think that if I owned Dr Who then David Tennant would keep his clothes on in the TARDIS? What If?
Rose stood by her window, looking out to the city beneath. It was raining – the weather matching her mood. Rain didn't stop the busy crowds bustling through the London streets. She pressed her hand against the cold glass, thinking back to the Doctor.
6 months… 6 months she'd been here with her family; trying to make a life, but not really caring. She'd thrown herself into her work. Anything to take her mind off her aching heart… But at night, there was nothing she could do. At night, her dreams took hold, and her whole life lit up… Because at night he was there. He was with her. Holding her hand. Laughing with her. Breathing the same air as her… But then she'd always wake up. That moment when she realised that it had all been just a dream. That moment ripped a piece of her heart out every time… And yet, everyday, the dreams were the only things that she lived for.
She sighed, allowing herself to think back on all the memories of him. All the things that they'd shared. She didn't cry anymore. The last time she'd cried had been that night after he'd returned to her. The night after he'd almost told her he loved her. The night after the first time he'd let her down…
He'd told her that back in her own universe she was dead. She laughed bitterly to herself, thinking back on his words – she wished she had died, then she wouldn't have to feel so much pain.
And with that thought, came a memory. Something the Doctor had told her after they'd dropped off Margaret on Raxacoricofallapatorius. Jack had gone to bed early, and Rose was talking to the Doctor, asking about Margaret's execution. This of course led to the topic of death… Rose thought back to the conversation…
"Right, so do Timelords have some sort of God? Do you go to him when you die? Or her?"
The Doctor thought carefully for a moment before answering, trying to choose the right words to explain. "Gallifrey was not like Earth. Look at your Earth – you have so many religions, all with millions of branches heading off them… You have the 6 main religions; Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, Sikhism and Buddhism; and then you have the other not-so-well-known religions like Baha'i, and Zoroastrianism. And then, of course you have the atheists and agnostics."
Rose sat there, absorbed by his every word, nodding at it all, and he'd continued, "So, you see, your Earth is a very confusing place to life. Many of the conflicts arise from Religious disagreement, or are at least blamed on religion…We, as Timelords avoid this conflict, because we all believe in one thing. We are not sure who or what it is, but we believe and accept as one, that there is a creator or creators who are more powerful than us. More powerful than any other living creature in this universe. We do not believe that he needs to be praised. We do not believe that we need to beg his forgiveness… We understand that he has superior knowledge and his reasoning cannot be understood; and for this reason we do not feel the need to do anything for him, as we understand that he does not want anything from us, and that the best thing we can do is live our lives in peace and harmony – trying to help others find peace in their own way. Can you understand this?"
Rose thought she could, and nodded again silently, awed by this new-found reasoning. "So what do you believe happens in death?"
"We believe that we are given a choice. We can watch over someone. One person. Just one. We can show ourselves to this one person. A 'guardian angel,' if you will. Guide them. Comfort them. Love them.. We will have no physical form, and no other person will be able to see us; save the person who was chosen… It can be a very lonely life, having to spend it with one person, but sometimes loneliness is worth it if you can spend forever with the one most important person in your life..."
Rose was absolutely intrigued by this way of thinking, and had to ask. "But what happens when that person dies?"
The Doctor gazed at her softly, "We do not know… But we know that they will be together. Joined for eternity."
Rose was jolted out of her memories as a thunderclap sounded, but the Doctor's voice echoed within her mind, "A guardian angel, if you will." And suddenly she knew what she had to do. She knew how she could be with him forever. She'd have to leave her family, her best friend Mickey, her job… Her life. But the Doctor was right. It was worth it.
She knew what she had to do. Torchwood had killed her spirit anyway – it's parallel twin could damn well finish the job.
She considered leaving it tomorrow; giving her family one more day of her company – but she realised that if she had more time, she'd probably bottle out of it. No. She had to do it today.
Where should she begin? There was so much to consider… Rose had no idea that something as simple as suicide could be so complicated. Should she write a letter to her parents? What about Mickey? They would blame themselves of course… And just how could she go about doing this? She didn't want any blood… she was way too squeamish. And she didn't like the idea of a bullet. She remembered hearing that sometimes people used their car exhausts. Carbon Monoxide was painless… Mind you; sometimes it didn't work…
Rose considered her options. It was strange, she thought. It was as though she was not in control of her body. She couldn't believe how calm she was being, and how she was actually going through with this. It was as though her body and her muscles had taken over, and she was free to sit back and watch – and marvel at what she was about to do.
She figured she'd write a letter to her parents. But what could you put in a letter? She couldn't describe what she felt in words, but she hoped her mother, at least, would understand.
She got a small scrap of paper and a biro and poised her pen, trying to think. Five minutes later, and she still couldn't think straight. Too many thoughts were whirling around her head. In the end, she scrawled;
Dear Mum, Dad and Mickey.
I have loved you so much for everything you have done for me. You all tried so hard to cheer me up and make life worth living. But I couldn't do it. I'm sorry I've done this to you, but I can't stand it anymore. He was my life. He would always be my life. Without him my life is meaningless.
He told me once that when we died, we could remain together. I believe him. I trust him with my life, because in the end, it's all I have left to give.
Mum, thank you for putting up with me throughout everything. I may have not been the best of daughters, but I love you with my heart.
Pete. I know you wanted to be my father. I wanted it too… Be a Dad to my yet-to-be-born sister. Be a husband to my mother. I'm sorry for the time we will never spend together.
Mickey… I don't know how I can tell you everything. I know I was always mean to you. I practically used you – then abandoned you. But still you were there for me. Still you comforted me… I can't express what you meant to me. Always know that I loved you. I loved you so much… I'm so sorry for the pain I ever caused you. Please forgive me. You were never the tin dog to me…
Thank you for everything you ever gave me. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough.
I love you all so much.
Your Rose
Xx
She frowned at it and sighed. It was no masterpiece, but she hoped that they'd understand. She took it with her as she went downstairs to the garage. She picked up some tubing on the way, and carefully opened the door.
She used her Torchwood van. Torchwood had killed her inside. So it was only fair that they'd finish the job.
As she fed the tubing into the exhaust pipe the only sentence running through her head was 'Death by Torchwood.' She almost smiled at the absurdity of it.
She slid round to the front of the car, and switched on the engine before returning to the pipe. As she knelt down in front of it, she realised she was shaking. A tear trickled down her face. I'm sorry. She closed her mouth, sealing the tube so none of the toxic gas could escape. Forgive me. She could feel the warm air rushing down her throat and she instinctively held her breath. After realising it was pointless, she reluctantly began to breathe in the gas. Forget me. She was already noticing the lack of oxygen, and tried breathing faster and deeper – all the while, tears streaming down her cheeks. I love you. Her body sank and she slumped forwards, still inhaling the car fumes. Goodbye. Her thoughts began to fade as her body's functions began to shut down. She felt sleepy. It felt quite comfortable and warm. Not like how she imagined death to be. She smiled as she snuggled down in the comforting warmth. I'm coming Doctor.
And that was how Rose Tyler died. But it was not the end, because it is impossible for things to just end. The Doctor knows this. He controls time, and knows that it is impossible to go to the end of it, because things can never just cease to exist. And so, in the last few seconds of her life, Rose felt the strangest sensation ever imaginable. She could not pinpoint the exact time, but it was almost as if she were peeling away from her body. She could see her body from above, and yet… she was not in it. Fear gripped her then. Had it not worked? Had something gone wrong? Was she hallucinating? How come this was not death? Surely this wasn't right?
She tried calling out, but she could not hear her own voice.
Before she could do anything else, her vision began to… 'Fade' was the wrong word. It seemed not only to fade, but to fizzle away into nothingness. All feeling in her body had disappeared, and with it, the light also vanished, leaving Rose in pitch black darkness. It was almost pressing into her.
She's surrounded by silence. A silence so absolute it's almost deafening…
Then she hears a voice. A voice so infinitely old. So full of wisdom. So full of love. So full of hope… A voice that reminds her of half forgotten melodies… A voice that reminds her of her childhood… A voice that reminds her of the Doctor…
She turns to where she thought it was coming from.
"Where are you?"
But there is no physical form… The voice comes from all around her. From within her.
She cannot distinguish what it is saying… Only that it is so amazingly calming. She wants to fall into its loving embrace and forget everything that has brought her here… But she can't. She is here for a reason. A purpose. She must not be allowed to forget.
She stutters, not sure where to direct her voice. "I. I'm here to choose…"
Because she's already chosen who she will guard over. She made that choice so long ago.
And this time, the voice answers her.
"There is no choice."
Rose freezes in disbelief. "What?"
"There is no choice…" the voice repeats kindly.
"But… But he said," Rose manages to choke out as the panic constricts in her chest.
"He is mistaken… He was wrong."
Rose is shaking… Her Doctor can't have been wrong…
But before she can allow that impossible thought to fully take hold of her, she feels something that she hasn't felt before…
She thought she and this voice were alone… But she can feel something else now…
Another presence… No.
Not one presence… A hundred. Thousands. Billions.
More lost souls…
All wandering… Alone… But happy. Unbelievably joyful.
But she does not feel it… She thought heaven was supposed to be happy. Full of love. But she cannot feel it. All she feels is loss and utter sadness and despair.
She had believed him.
And now…
She suddenly feels a wave of happiness crash down on her…
She jolts in confusion… This happiness is not her own…
Another.
More and more waves of bliss crash down on her..
They pound into her. Crushing her. Squeezing her. She feels almost claustrophobic from their overwhelming weight.
That is when she realises. Heaven isn't the heaven she believed it to be.
Heaven is corrupt.
The dead do not feel happiness because they want it– they are forced to. Forced to feel happy. Forced to feel loved. Forced to feel joyous.
She stays still as they drift around her. She refuses to give in to the false bliss.
She stands there alone, surrounded by the billions of other souls, hoping that this is all one big terrible mistake… It can't be this… wrong.
She can't be wrong. The religions can't be wrong. Society can't be wrong.
He can't be wrong.
Her Doctor… He was never wrong…
Heaven is good. It has to be good. It can't be corrupt. What can we live for if heaven is corrupt?
She hopes… She is not entirely sure what she is hoping for anymore.. But she must keep hope, for without hope, she will lose the will to resist Heaven..
A/N: Wow, if you've read this far I'm seriously impressed. I'm even more impressed if you followed it all... I would be SERIOUSLY impressed if you reviewed :P
Oh, and by the way, in case anyone was interested, that part where Rose died - that peeling away part - was based on a dream I had (hmm cheerful dreams). Sorry if I couldn't explain it; it's hard to put dreams into words