Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, but the WWF does, so Vince, please don't sue me!!
Soap Opera
Vince McMahon entered Titan Towers for yet another day full of meetings and agendas. He sighed to himself resignedly, wishing for the kind of excitement and soap opera in real life that he produced on his TV shows.
"It'd be nice if something exciting could happen, instead of all this goddamn paper work." He said to himself as he walked into his office. His secretary looked up from her desk, with a puzzled and wary expression on her face as her boss walked past.
Old man's finally losing it, she thought, now he's talking to himself. She smiled, and turned back to her computer screen.
Vince, who never failed to notice anything, saw his secretary's look, and scowled. He hated people noticing things like that. They never get funny looks when they talk to themselves in Sunset Beach, he thought as he sat down behind his desk.
There were a lot of things that people don't know about Vince McMahon – his love of gardening, his collection of old English coins, and his bookshelf full of trashy romance novels – these were things that only his close family and friends new about. But there was one thing that no one, not even his wife Linda (who even knew about Vince's habit of stuffing his dirty socks down the back of the radiator in his bedroom, a habit he had passed on to his son Shane) knew about – and that was Vince's passion for daytime soap operas. Sunset Beach, The Bold and The Beautiful – these were Vince's secret love. He had nearly cried when Santa Barbara had gone of the air. He loved the excitement of never knowing what new disaster was going to befall one of the hapless (but always beautiful) characters; what new tragedy was going to stop one of the heroines marrying her love; and what evil scheme was going to be cooked up by the evil step father/sister/mother/uncle/whatever. In fact this was where Vince had gotten a lot of inspiration for the WWF storylines over the years; the evil brother standing in the way of his beautiful sister's love, the massive plots against the hero by just about everyone and anyone.
Vince grinned as he thought about the latest instalment of Sunset Beach, which was about to be aired; he couldn't wait to find out what Annie was going to do next in her evil plot. He loved the bad-guys.
Vince was still grinning when his secretary ran into the office, looking half hysterical.
"Mr McMahon come quickly! Something terrible has happened!"
"What? What's happened?"
"Just come in here… oh God, it's all my fault, you'll never be able to forgive me…" she began crying weakly, hitching for breath, and looked pathetically at Vince.
"Alright calm down…What's wrong?" asked Vince as he followed her into the outer office area.
" It's the computer…there's something wrong…I…I think I uploaded a virus. I'm so sorry! Please forgive me?"
"Sylvia…Sylvia, look, it's ok…" Vince said soothingly. Jesus, looks like she hasn't taken her Prozac this morning, he thought.
Vince looked at the computer, and saw that one of the programs had crashed. He shut it down and restarted the system.
"There, it should be fine. There was no need to get so upset about it!"
"Erm…oh, yes. Sorry, I don't know what came over me." Replied Sylvia with a sheepish look on her face. "I'll just, erm, get right back to work. Sorry."
"Ok…You sure you are alright? No problems at home or anything?"
"No… no." She answered.
"Ok, then."
Vince went back to his office, shaking his head. That was weird, he thought, why would she overreact like that?
"Oh, to hell with it," he said to the walls, and went back to his work, checking his watch every couple of minutes to check that he hadn't missed his favourite soap.
He'd barely started reading the morning memo's before his door crashed open yet again.
"Sylvia, what's wr…" he stopped as he looked up to see his only son, Shane standing before him, looking even more harassed than his secretary had five minutes before.
"Shane! What the hell are you doing here?"
"Dad! I need your help! Please, Dad for the love of God, help me!"
"What? Why? What's happened?"
"It's Marissa, she's gone missing! What am I going to do? On dear God, what should I do…" he started sobbing as he fell to his knees.
"Shane…Shane, please let go of my leg…when did you last see her?"
"This morning…" the distraught Shane answered, tugging at his father's shoe. "Help me find her! I know who's got her…it's that bastard, Austin! He's kidnapped her, I know it!"
"Shane don't be ridiculous," answered Vince as he tried to extract himself from his son's grasp. What the hell is happening to everyone this morning?
"Marissa has an interview to record this morning with the Hollies, she's probably with them."
" No! Dad, I know him! He even said to me yesterday, with that damn sneer on his face, that he was going to get her!"
" No, Shane, he said he was going to pick her up, because they are doing that photo shoot later on today. Remember?"
"Oh my God!" Shane said, looking up at his father with a look of sudden recognition.
"What? What now?" Vince asked.
"You…you're in on it too, aren't you? You don't want me to take over the company, so you're trying to destroy my life! My God, Dad, how could you? How could you do this to your own son?" Shane said, his voice gradually rising in pitch, until he was almost screaming.
"What?" repeated Vince, now totally confused. He felt like screaming himself.
Shane rose to his feet. "Well, I don't care. I'm going to get her back…with or without your help." Shane turned around with a flourish, and slammed the door behind him.
Vince looked at the door for a few moments in disbelief, before walking back to his desk in a daze.
He sat down, and continued to stare at the closed door, as if by doing so he could make sense of what had just happened. He slowly picked up the phone and called his wife's extension number.
"Linda McMahon."
"Linda, it's Vince." He said, slowly. "I'd like to talk to you about our son. I was wondering-"
"Oh God, I was wondering when you'd finally ask about the truth." Linda said, a sad tone in her voice.
"The truth? About what?"
She continued talking as if not hearing him.
"I've always known this moment would come. And I've dreaded it for the last 29 years."
"Linda…please, listen. Shane was in here-" Vince was growing more and more uneasy.
"Is that how you found out, did Shane tell you?"
"He told me something, he was acting crazy, screaming about Austin…"
"Oh my God, he did tell you! Yes, It's true. Steve Austin is your son."
"Linda please listen, Shane was…" It occurred to Vince what Linda had just told him. "What did you say?"
"Steve Austin is your son! And my son…"
"Linda, how in God's name is that possible? Don't be ridiculous."
"When I gave birth to Shane, I also gave birth to another child. I couldn't face life with two children, so I gave one away to a friend who was unable to have children after being injured in an almost fatal car crash, that not only left her barren but wiped out her entire family, and subsequently left her emotionally scarred for life."
Vince stared at the phone in his hand, wondering if he had dialled the wrong number and somehow connected to the Twilight Zone.
Ok, lets think this through rationally, he thought. He readjusted his thoughts and mentally straightened himself out.
"Alright Linda, lets talk about this. Steve Austin is several years older than Shane. He could not be his twin. Plus, they look nothing like each other!"
"Neither did Luke and Leia."
"What? Who?"
"Vince I'm sorry I've waited so long to tell you, but I…I just didn't know how. I understand if you don't want to see me again. I'll be leaving today."
"Leaving? Wait Linda…"
"I'm moving to a remote village in Africa, where no one will be able to reach me, and it is impossible to get a mobile phone signal. I may come back in a few months, and I will be a changed woman, and everyone will have forgotten about my treachery. Except for Austin, who will still hate me and will continue to drag up the past at family reunions and will be the only person who wont accept me back into society."
"Linda…" Vince repeated, feeling that he was the only sane person in an insane world.
"Bye Vince. And remember, I'll always love you, even though you can no longer love me." There was a click as the usually sane president of the company hung up the phone.
"Oh my God - Oh shit, now I sound like them!"
Vince looked at his watch. Only two hours until Sunset Beach. The thought calmed Vince, as if TV was part of the real world, which he, Vince was clearly no longer a member of. No, he, Vince, had somehow traversed in to a world where his entire family was mad.
"Maybe Stephanie is ok?" he thought, and a sudden hope was born in him. "Maybe she has some clue as to what all this is about." He picked up the phone and was about to dial her number, when he remembered his phone call to Linda. He quickly replaced the handset. "Just to be on the safe side," he said, looking at the phone with the wariness a person might usually attribute to a deadly snake.
He stood up and rushed to the door, so recently slammed by his son, Shane. He opened it up with vigour, convinced that his daughter would hold the key to the whole mess, only to find a large angry looking man staring down at him, fist raised.
"Waaaah!" cried Vince in alarm, as he stepped backwards. His feet caught in each other and he landed on his rear with a bump.
He looked up at the towering menacing figure, walking steadily towards where Vince was lying on the floor. As his eyes focused, he realised who it was.
"Dwayne?"
"Vince, are you Ok? I didn't mean to startle you, sorry."
The wrestler helped Vince to his feet.
"Oh, er, yes, sorry. Dwayne….hrm, hrm, erm, what can I help you with?" Vince said, trying to regain his composure.
"Well, there was something I wanted to talk to you about, Vince…" The Rock said, with a hesitant tone in his voice."
"Yeah…." Replied Vince, warily. Could anything else go wrong today? he thought to himself.
"Well, it's just that…well, I'm…I want a release from my contract."
"What did you say?" asked Vince, for what seemed like the millionth time that day.
"I'm leaving the company, Vince. I've been offered a contract with…well, somewhere else."
"Where?" asked Vince, tiredly. He couldn't believe he'd only been here for half an hour.
"Well…where else is there? WCW. I'm sorry Vince, but I just couldn't continue like this anymore. It's affecting me mentally, emotionally, physically…I'm sorry. I hope one day, Vince, you'll find it in your heart to forgive me."
Vince looked up at the wrestler in amazement. It's like De Ja-Vu, he thought to himself.
"Everyone wants forgiveness today, don't they? And what the hell is going on with these long-winded, melodramatic speeches?"
"Vince, are you OK?" asked Dwayne.
"Yeah, yeah, fine…can we talk about this later, I have to talk to my daughter…either her, or my psychiatrist, anyway."
"Er, ok…but take it easy, Ok, Vince? You don't look so good."
Vince ran out of the door without bothering to answer, leaving the wrestler and his secretary staring after him in amazement.
As he belted down the corridor, Vince became more and more certain that Stephanie would be able to tell him what the hell was going on. He ran towards the elevator, shoving his employees out of the way, left, right and centre. He was just about to step inside, when he stopped, and took note of his surroundings.#
As usual, the main floor of Titan Towers was full of people. Except today, things were slightly different. People were lounged around all over the place, talking in groups of twos and threes, but nobody actually seemed to be doing any work. The usual typing sounds were gone; in their place was a kind of meaningless chitchat. And also, Vince noticed, everyone was in here. Not just the normal secretarial staff, and administration juniors, but senior staff, accountants, the company's on site legal advice team, everyone was in here, conveniently placed as if waiting for something to do. He over heard snatches of conversation; one group of secretaries were huddled around one desk, obviously conspiring against the assistant accountant at the desk in front, and even though they were speaking loudly enough, no-one seemed to take any notice of their strange behaviour, least of all the assistant in front of them.
Vince looked to his left, where two men were exchanging heated words, and pushing each other roughly. This went on for a few minutes until a pretty girl pushed between them, loudly declaring that she would not choose either of them until the father of her baby was determined by a DNA test.
To his right, another pretty girl was almost down on her knees in front of a male employee, begging him not to leave her, as she couldn't live without him.
Vince thought about screaming "What the hell is going on here?" loud and clear into the office space, but then thought better of it and ran as fast as he could into the lift.
"It's ok, it's ok, you can get through this. It probably goes on every day and you've been working too hard to notice, that's all. Yeah, that's it."
Feeling better, Vince pushed the button for the third floor, where his daughter's office was. He clung to the hope that Stephanie would be ok, that she would be able to help him through the insanity that had engulfed his beloved company.
"I know I wished for excitement, and soap opera, but this…" a thought struck him. Soap Opera? Is that what's happening to me? he thought to himself.
"Oh, that's ridiculous…but these things don't happen in real life, do they?"
The doors of the elevator opened and Vince dived through them, racing down the hall to his daughter's office. He burst through the door without bothering to knock, and there fore was not prepared for the sight that struck him.
His daughter was sat in her chair, but not of her own will. She had been bound and gagged and was tied to the chair by her arms and legs in a haphazard, and somewhat loose fashion. A plastic looking device sat on her lap, and wobbled about as she struggled to free herself. She looked at Vince with frantic eyes.
"Stephanie!" Vince screamed as he realised what he was seeing. He stared at his daughter in shock. "Oh my God, who did this to you?"
"Me…" a gruff voice from the other side of the room said. Vince whirled around to see…Steve Austin.
"Hi Dad." Steve said in a sarcastic tone. "Nice to see you again."
"What?" Vince answered, helplessly, feeling his last hope of sanity slipping away.
"You heard me, Pops. I got your daughter here, my sister, tied up with a little bomb on her lap. And if you don't give me my rightful shares in the company, I'm going to blow us all to kingdom come. Because, I am your son, and I want what is rightfully mine. My mother abandoned me to a mentally deranged woman, and I have grown up not having the things that Stephanie and Shane had. I have grown up not having the love and care of my real family. I have grown up without a father! And now…it's time for revenge…"
"Right. Lets stop this idiocy right now! I'm Vince McMahon, dammit! And you are not my son!"
"I beg to differ, Dad…and I got the contract right here. I want the shares that are rightfully mine, mine since the day I was born, and my mother abandoned me."
Why does he keep repeating himself? Thought Vince to himself. Does he think I'm going to forget what he said about five seconds ago?
"But, wait a minute…aren't you supposed to have kidnapped Marissa, not Stephanie?" Vince said hoping that if he played along he might make Austin put down the remote control detonator he was playing with. "It doesn't make any sense!"
A voice spoke behind him from the still open door. "Since when did soap opera make any sense, Dad?"
Vince turned around slowly as the sound of Shane's voice. His son was standing in the doorway, grinning from ear to ear.
"What did you say?" asked Vince, with wild eyes.
"How many times you said that today, Dad?" Shane asked laughing.
"I don't get it…what the hell is going on?" Vince turned back to look at his daughter and Austin. Stephanie had freed herself of the absurdly loose bonds, and was leaning against the wrestler. Both were laughing hysterically.
"I'm sorry Dad," said Shane, still giggling. "But when we found out about…your little addiction, we just had to do something about it."
"Er…what addiction? What are you talking about?" Vince replied, a sudden dread descending on him.
"Come on Dad." Said Stephanie. "We know you've been hitting the soap opera's for sometime now,"
"Oh my God." Vince said, as he fumbled for the nearest chair and sat down with a thump. "You mean…this was all a joke?"
"Not just a joke, Vince…" Linda McMahon, Vince's wife walked through the door. "This is your birthday surprise."
An employee wheeled a large trolley with a giant birthday cake into the room. Vince recognised her as the girl who was pleading with her boyfriend outside the elevator.
"But, how? And my birthday isn't for another two days…how did you find out?" Vince asked, still in shock.
"Well, Sylvia tipped us off first of all. She let it slip a couple of months ago that she could hear the TV from your office, and she knew exactly what you were watching. " Shane replied, while cutting the cake and handing out large slabs to everyone in the room.
"And," Linda continued, "One of the maids at home walked through the TV room one day and saw what your were watching. But you were so engrossed you didn't even notice her."
"So we decided to play a little joke on you. We know you think life around here is boring, so we thought we'd liven it up a bit." Said Stephanie through a mouthful of cake.
"And we knew that if we tried this on your birthday, you'd cotton on straight away." Continued Austin, still laughing and spilling cake crumbs all over the carpet.
Vince looked at the paper plate that had been shoved into his hands, still digesting the fact that everything that had happened had been a birthday prank.
"So…let me get this straight. You got almost everyone in the company, including my own secretary, to play as if they were in a soap opera?" Vince asked, incredulously.
"Yep! And you never suspected a thing!" Laughed Shane. "It's taken months of planning, but it was worth it just to see your face…you are ok, aren't you Dad?" asked Shane, now slightly worried at his fathers pale complexion.
Vince looked up at his son, and burst out laughing.
"Oh thank God!" he said, laughing until tears rolled down his face.
"See, I told ya he'd see the funny side," said Stephanie to her family.
"I'm just relieved." Vince said, still laughing. "And I gotta hand it to ya, Shane, this was good. This was very good." This sent Vince off into another gale of laughter, which his family soon joined in with.
"So…so, Marissa hasn't left you? And you don't believe I'm trying to ruin your life?" Vince said, wiping tears from his face, as he looked at Shane.
"No Dad. Don't worry, Marissa is fine." Shane answered, grinning.
"And I'm not leaving you to go live with some African tribe," said Linda, giving Vince a hug.
"And Austin is not really my son, and Shane's twin?"
"Hell no! There is no way you are my father," said Austin with a grin.
"Oh that's reassuring," said Vince. "And, Dwayne isn't really leaving to go to WCW?"
The laughter tailed off. Everyone in the room looked at Vince.
"What? Dad, that wasn't us…" answered Shane.
"What did you say?" asked Vince, standing up.
"I said, that wasn't us, Dad. Dwayne wasn't in on the joke."
"Oh my God," replied Vince, echoing his family's words through the day.
"Right…Shane come with me." Vince said, feeling he was finally in control of things again. He looked at his watch as he strode purposely down the corridor.
"We've got…an hour and a half to convince Dwayne to stay."
"Why? What happens in an hour and a half?" Shane said as he struggled to keep up with his father.
"Why, Sunset Beach is on, of course. And you are going to stay and watch every damn minute of it with me." Vince smiled as he heard Shane groan behind him. It was going to be a good day after all.
The End
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