One Christmas Dumbledore decided to throw a Christmas party at Hogwarts. But since they had one every year, it didn't make a difference. He walked down to the main hall stumbling a little as he had indulged intensely in holiday spirits. Literally. He pushed his glasses askew and staggered to the two sets of double doors he saw. Barely missing the door, he made his way up to the podium and began his pre- party speech. "Floberhusum, chiliwing, dreams. Thank -hic- you." He slurred incoherently as he hiccupped. Somehow he made it to his chair and sat down. "Eggnog. Eggnog! " He yelled to no one.
Down in the kitchens a house elf rolled his eyes. "He's drunk again!" " I heard that, midget!" Boomed Dumbledore from above. The house elves crossed themselves in fear and sent up the food and eggnog hastily.
Harry sat with Hermione and Ron, who were talking about Sirius and didn't notice Dumbledore's drunkenness. "…I mean, who wants to morph into a mangy old dog anyway. Couldn't he at least make it a wolf?" said Ron. "You're right Ron. He smells, too." Said Hermione. " And what about those fleas. Eww!" said Harry in disgust. "Lets face it guys, he is a total bum." "I'll drink to that!" said Ron, enthusiastically drinking down his eggnog. As soon as he set down the cup it instantly refilled. "Ooh. More!" he said, emptying its contents. He kept drinking, occasionally eating something, before downing yet another cup off eggnog. "Should we tell him its alcoholic eggnog?" Hermione whispered to Harry, concerned. "Naw. Lets see what he does." She smiled at the prospect. "Maybe I can finally have my way with him." She muttered to herself. "What did you say, Hermione?" asked Harry. "Uh…nothing, nothing." She blushed. Harry felt it would be better if he didn't know what she meant and so ignored her blushing face and busied himself in his eggnog. Hermione downed some 'just to relax.' she told herself.
Hagrid meanwhile surveyed the hall while enjoying the vast array of deserts that were in front of him. He looked over at Dumbledore, who was singing "Here's to you Mrs. Robinson. Jesus loves you more than you can know!" rather enthusiastically. He knew it was best if he didn't drink the eggnog (which he had secretly spiked with fire whisky when the house elves weren't looking, just to see who would pass out first), because he'd probably have to cart Dumledore back to his room by himself (and soon, Draco Malfoy by the looks of things, who was drooling and singing "she'll be coming round the mountains when she comes!" as his head lolled back and forward).
Then the weird sisters appeared and tables were moved to the sides of the room. They set up their instruments and began to sing. "Oh I love this song!" Dumbledore slurred heavily. Then he grabbed professor McGonagall by the hand and led her to the dance floor. "Dance with me, Minny!" he yelled over the noise, spinning her around. "Looks like we're dancing already!" shouted McGonagall back, giggling as she twirled. She was a little drunk herself.
Harry suddenly got up and brought his glass of eggnog to where the goblet of fire stood. He raised his goblet and shouted "Three cheers for Dumbledore!" drunkenly and threw its contents into the goblet of fire. "What a beautiful speech!" Dumbledore said, wiping a tear from his eye. Harry came back to the table and set down his goblet, which instantly refilled. Picking it up, he went back to the goblet of fire and emptied it into the goblet of fire again. He kept going back and fourth until the goblet of fire was filled with eggnog. Then it began to overflow onto the dance floor. Dumbledore slipped and pulled McGonagall with him. He kissed her. "Lets go swimming, Minny!" he cried, swimming around in the eggnog. Standing up, he dragged her outside to the grounds. "Can we go skinny dipping?" McGonagall asked enthusiastically. "Excellent idea!" he said crunching through the snow towards the frozen lake.
Meanwhile Ron had passed out cold and Hermione swiped Harry's invisibility cloak while he was busy drinking from the goblet of fire. Placing the cloak over herself and Ron, she began to drag him out of the hall. As she was attempting to haul him up the seven flights of stairs to the room of requirement thinking of things she would require, they passed by Mrs. Norris. But even though she was making quite a racket in trying to drag him up the stairs, Mrs. Norris didn't hear them. She had lapped up some spilled eggnog and was now busy chasing things only she could see.
Snape was sitting in a dark corner holding a goblet, thoroughly wasted. He was muttering to himself about square spiders and rabid puppy bones. Absentmindedly, he was pulling wizard crackers. Every time it made a banging noise, he would tilt his head closer and closer to the source of the noise. He had one pressed to his eyes. "Oh, it's a wizard cracker." he said as he pulled it. With a boom, it blew off his head and he fell forwards. Draco crawled over his body and tripped, falling unconscious into the blood.
In the morning they were found and even though it was to dark in the corner to see anything (even if everyone didn't end up wasted) word spread that they had had a drunken argument about wizard crackers, and accidentally killed each other.
Harry was still lying in the eggnog until a hung over Filch poked his limp form with the handle end of a mop. Luckily, Hagrid had caught Dumbledore and McGonagall running around the grounds, before anything really disturbing happened. They were covered in primitive body designs and were screaming profanities at Hagrid until he knocked them over the head and dragged them up to madam Pomfry for treatment against frostbite.
As for Ron and Hermione, they had made it to the sixth floor before Hermione passed out. Weather this was due to how heavy Ron was or due to how much she had drunk, is still up for debate. Harry found them days later, as he tripped over their comatose forms Taking them to madam Pomfry for detoxification, he felt relived that they never made it to their destination, and imagined the talk he would have with Ron about the virtues of not getting drunk around her. Just then moaning myrtle had snuck up behind him and attempted to tickle him despite the fact that she was dead. He screamed like a girl and tripped on his own feet, falling down the last flight of stairs very ungracefully and wound up on his face. "Oh dear." Said moaning myrtle. " I guess I shouldn't ask him out just yet." She then left him lying there comatose and sped back to her toilet.
THE END.