Disclaimer:- I don't own Rizzoli and Isles, that privilege belongs to Tess Gerritsen and TNT. I'm just borrowing them for a while.
I don't own 'The Sound of the White', that belongs to Missy Higgins. Something about this song just kept pulling at me as I listened to it. I might not have interpreted it correctly but for once I won't argue with my muse and shall put forth what's been in my head for the last week or so.
Author's Note:- This will be my second Rizzoli and Isles fan fiction, and my second song fic. This isn't a follow up to 'All for Believing' but a separate piece entirely. I'd like to thank those that reviewed 'All for Believing' it meant a lot. Once again written from Maura's POV and again I apologise in advance if I haven't captured her right.
This will probably be the last song fic I write, not sure if I'll progress on to anything else but we'll see.
Reviews/Comments etc welcomed, flames not so much but constructive criticism is fine by me.
It's hard to believe that its been a year to the day and still I expect to see you walking through the doors to the Morgue with your trademark sway and irreplaceable 'Rizzoli' grin but I know that its never going to happen again. I tried Jane I really did to keep you from slipping away but it wasn't enough to keep you in this world and prevent you from moving on to the next. If there is one thing I regret then it would be my failure to keep you here and tell you what you truly meant to me.
Like a freeze-dried rose, you will never be,
What you were, what you were to me in memory.
The Morgue is strangely quiet this time of night and I find myself alone with only the dead to keep me company, the dead who I find myself spending more time with than the living since that day. The dead don't judge nor do they speak and ask how you are coping with everything, they are just silent and uncompromising. Sighing I power down my laptop not even the latest collection of Louboutin shoes can distract me today, a final glance at my sanctuary before I switch off the lights and head to elevator. I quickly walk past the front desk and out the precinct doors pausing only for a moment as the memory of that day flashes past and I continue to my car. I drive home in a daze, on auto pilot for the most part as I pull the car into the garage and take a deep calming breath.
But if I listen to the dark,
You'll embrace me like a star,
Envelope me, envelope me...
Pulling myself together I slowly embark from the car and head into the house, dropping my keys and my bag down as I enter before rather uncharacteristically kicking my shoes off and padding into the kitchen. Bass slowly shuffling along greets me as I reach for the wine rack and a glass, placing both on the counter top and pouring myself a rather large glass.
If things get real for me down here,
Promise to take me to before you went away -
If only for a day.
I remember that day like it was yesterday, the images replay constantly in my dreams and when I just stop for a moment; all rationality about that day goes out of the window and I left feeling empty and dejected. I try and remember the days before, the double date with Jorge and Brock and the yoga classes we took together. The way you looked at me when you were under cover at Merch and how you came back to the Morgue after Angela had tried to set you up with Grant, I remember then telling you that you were gorgeous not that you believed me.
If things get real for me down here,
Promise to take me back to the tune
We played before you went away.
If only I could turn back time and let you know just how I felt, maybe then you would have held on to your life rather than slipping away. If I'm honest Jane I was angry at you for a long time for just giving up when you used to have so much fight within you, the bravest person I'd ever met and yet all the fight seemed to leave you in that moment of madness.
And if I listen to, the sound of white,
Sometimes I hear your smile, and breathe your light.
Yeah if I listen to, the sound of white ..
You're my mystery. One mystery. My mystery. One mystery.
But as with everything else I dealt with the anger and the guilt at not having saved you and occupied myself with work, someone has to help catch those monsters in your stead still its not the same without you there; no-one quite has your gut instinct when it comes to solving crimes and the new homicide detective well I know I shouldn't compare Jane but he's nothing like you and that is a good thing all things considered because no-one can replace Jane Rizzoli.
Funny, my wine glass is empty and I don't even remember taking a sip let alone drinking it all. The silence in the house is deafening and I wish it wasn't, I'd do anything to hear your laugh echoing through these rooms once more but like everything else its nothing more than wishful thinking.
My silence solidifies,
Until that hollow void erases you,
Erases you so I can't feel at all.
But if I never feel again, at least that nothingness
Will end the painful dream, of you and me...
I avoided all invitations from your family, Vince and Barry to attend a memorial in honour of you tonight. A year on and the pain is still too much a burden that they say I shouldn't carry alone but its my burden to bare. Don't get me wrong your family have been wonderful to me, I go every Sunday to dinner and out for drinks with Vince and Barry when we solve a case just like we always did before that day.
If things get real for me down here, promise to take me to
Before you went away, if only for a day.
If things get real for me down here, promise to take me back to
The tune we played before you went away.
I leave the empty glass and open bottle on the counter and head to my bedroom, stripping down before pulling on a matching silk pyjama set and crawling under the covers; I just want to forget about today and everything that goes with it but even in my dreams memories of you won't fade away.
And if I listen to, the sound of white
Sometimes I hear your smile, and breathe your light.
Yeah if I listen to, the sound of white
Sometimes I hear your smile, and breathe your light.
And if I listen to, the sound of white.
The sunlight filtering through my bedroom window alerts me to the fact I've possibly overslept. I roll over and glance at the alarm clock and the picture that's been sitting on my bedside table for a year, one of us together taken at the Dirty Robber after we solved a big case. Its a candid shot of two best friends enjoying each other's company, to me it means the world and for a moment the pain leaves and the weight on my shoulders lifts before reality comes crashing back down. Groaning I get up and go about my morning routine, feed Bass and head out the front door. I drive to a place I know no one will visit today, they all would have gone yesterday; today is my day to spend with you. I walk through the various rows of marble and stone until I reach yours, the groundsman has done a wonderful job at keeping this place looking tidy and inviting for those that come. Your family have been already and laid fresh flowers, Vince and Barry have left a bottle of your favourite beer and a Red Sox hat. I kneel down and lightly trace my fingers over the fine lettering and your Detective shield.
I knelt before some strangers face,
I'd never have the courage or belief to trust this place,
But I dropped my head, 'cos it felt like lead,
And I'm sure I felt your fingers through my hair...
A slight breeze rustles through the cemetery as if its your way of greeting me and letting me know that I'm not alone today but I know that's scientifically impossible although for once I feel like letting go of science in order to feel something. Slowly the tears start to fall and the floodgates that I had been holding at bay come crashing down, its only in this place that I allow myself to grieve for my best friend and before I even realise I'm doing it I'm talking to you as if you are standing right beside me.
Jane, can you hear me? What a silly question but I'm compelled to ask it. I miss you Jane more than I think you will ever know. If I regret one thing about my life its that I never told you that I loved you, more than a friend I mean. And if I could turn back time and start that fateful day all over again I'd make sure to tell you. You were my best friend and my life feels so empty without you, I miss you smile and your laugh. I miss you making fun of my 'google' talk, I just really miss you. Not one person has ever questioned why I took today off work, its as if they know I'll be here talking to you. We solved a really big case last week but something was missing, you could tell that myself, Vince and Barry noticed it but we didn't say anything until we were drinking at the Dirty Robber. We made a toast that night to you Jane. You are our missing link and its going to take a while before we find our stride again, but I promise you that I'm going to do better despite wanting to spend more time in the morgue; I know that I have to live for you Jane.
I soon realise that I'm talking aloud to no-one but myself and stop, the redness that forms across my cheeks reminiscent of embarrassment yet there is no-one here to judge me for it unless you really are watching me from afar and if you are I bet there's the classic 'Rizzoli' smirk tugging at your lips as you try really hard not to laugh out loud.
And if I listen to, the sound of white sometimes
I hear your smile, and breathe your light.
Yeah if I listen to, the sound of white.
The sound of white,
The sound of white,
The sound of white.
Once again my fingers trace the outline of your name and I place a soft kiss on the cold black granite and whisper softly. 'I love you' before standing up slowly allowing that breeze to wrap around me and warm my soul a little knowing that although you've gone from me in this life, your still always with me.