Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from Rizzoli and Isles.
A/N: A very special thank you to my awesome beta, emalinourie!
Triggerwarning: Suicide.
It was exactly five years. 1826 days since Maura had left her, leaving her alone in an empty house with a yellow sticky note. A yellow sticky note which smelled like her and had her beautiful handwriting all over it. A sticky note Jane still had, and cried whenever she looked at the yellow piece of paper taped to her closet door.
It had been fifteen years since Jane and Maura had met each other, ten years since they had started dating, five and a half since they started talking about having children.
Four years since Jane had moved away from Boston and tried to start a new life.
''The number you dialed has changed, disconnected or is no longer in service.'' Jane grew frustrated again, she had heard this voice every day since Maura had left her, hoping she'd pick up. She kept trying every day, she needed to hear her voice, needed to talk to her.
Just like every day she dialed her mother after she called Maura. Every day she would accuse her mother of speaking to Maura, she knew she did, she had heard their conversation once when her mother thought she was alone. Her mother would deny it every time, telling her she didn't. When Jane asked for Maura's address, her mother would say she couldn't, just like every day.
Jane cried after angrily screaming at her mother and hanging up the phone, wanting to throw it against the wall. She knew better, though. She had done it numerous times, and regretted it afterwards; she always had to ask people if she could lend some money. No one wanted to lend her money, though. They all knew she couldn't pay them back. She knew only one person who would lend her money for a new phone; her little brother Tommy, he had a big heart.
After she was done eating, she decided to go to sleep. She was tired of crying, she was tired of not speaking to Maura. It didn't take her long to fall her sleep, her eyelids felt heavy and closed within seconds.
When she woke up the next morning, sweaty from having a nightmare, she made a decision. She would try to find Maura one last time, she needed to. She couldn't live like this any longer; Maura was her soul mate, her best friend, her only friend.
Jane grabbed her phone and dialed the number she hadn't called in years. ''Janie, are you okay?'' Frankie asked, his voice filled with concern.
''Frankie, I need to talk to her.''
''You know I can't Janie.'' He sighed.
''Please. I need her, I'm going crazy.'' She had been going crazy since forever, but she couldn't stand it anymore. She couldn't deal with the pain she felt, not anymore.
''Ma is going to kill me if she finds out.''
Jane sobbed into the phone. ''Please.''
Frankie had picked up Jane from her apartment to drive her to Maura. He knew she would find out her address one day, anyway. Knowing how his sister could get if she was angry or upset, he preferred to drive her than visit her in the hospital because her eyes were too clouded with tears to see anything on the road.
Jane had had a long night after Frankie agreed to drive her to Maura's, she couldn't sleep. She was too excited to see her Maura again, and just a little bit scared of what was to come. What if Maura didn't want to see her?
Jane was pulled out of her thoughts by her little brother, who clapped his hand on her tight and smiled at her. Reassuring her that it would be ok, even though he knew it wouldn't.
''This is it.'' Frankie said as he stopped the car in front of a huge house.
''This is huge!'' Jane gasped, not being used to Maura wanting to flaunt her money. The house was twice as big as Maura's old house and the yard was bigger than her own apartment, filled with flowers and statues.
Jane kissed her brother's cheek and hopped out of the car. She swaggered towards the front door and knocked thrice, just like she always did when she visited Maura unexpectedly.
''Just a moment!'' A voice, so familiar to Jane, came from inside the house.
Jane bit her lip, she had been waiting for this moment since the day Maura left her. She wanted to know why Maura packed up her stuff and disappeared, she wanted to know what she'd done wrong. Jane rubbed her sweaty palms together, looked at her brother who still waiting in his car, and smiled.
''Jane?''
Jane's eyes went wide and she turned her head so quickly she could've gotten whiplash. ''Y-Yeah.'' Jane quaked. Maura was looking gorgeous as ever; her hair was still the same honey color as before and still had those beautiful curls in them, just how Jane loved it. She hadn't seemed to age at all, except for the few wrinkles around her mouth and eyes, she still looked like five years ago. When Jane looked into Maura's eyes she gasped, she'd forgotten how breathtaking they were, she could stare into the hazel colored orbs for hours, just like she'd done that night after they had had hours of love making, they'd just lay there and stare into each other's eyes until Maura fell asleep. It was the best night of her life.
Jane took a big breath and smiled. ''Hey.''
Maura narrowed her eyes. ''Jane, how did you find me?'' She hissed.
''Frankie drove me.'' She threw her thumb over her shoulder, pointing at the car. Jane was getting more and more nervous by the second. She'd never heard Maura sound angry like that. ''I just- I needed to see you.'' She stammered while looking at her shaking hands.
''Jane, I don't think-''
Jane shook her head. ''Maura, please let me explain why I'm here.'' She pleaded.
Maura glanced behind her and then back at Jane. ''Okay.'' Came the whispered answer.
''Five years ago you left me without telling me why, and it killed me. It still is killing me to not know what I did wrong. To push you so far away that you felt like you couldn't stay with me one more second to explain what was wrong.'' Jane rubbed at her eyes furiously, she didn't want to cry anymore. Especially not in front of Maura. ''I tried searching for you when you left, you know. I tracked your phone, but it was turned off. I tried tracking your credit card, but you haven't used it in ages. I tried to find out where you lived, but nothing came up.'' Jane wiped the tears that escaped her eyes. ''It killed me, emotionally. I tried to go to work every day, but not having you there was horrible. That place reminded me so much of us, of our happy memories we shared in that building. So, I moved away.'' Jane shrugged and laughed. ''But that also didn't work; you followed me everywhere. Everywhere I walked I thought about you, thought about how you'd like that dress or how you'd love the scenery out there.''
''Jane, I never meant to hurt you.'' Maura wiped at her own tear streaked cheeks and sniffed. ''I thought it was best for you.''
''Maura, I loved you so much and I still do. You are best for me.'' Jane stepped forward and held Maura's face between her hands. ''Please come home with me.'' She sobbed.
Maura shook her head. ''I can't.'' It came out strangled, her voiced laced with hurt.
''Maura honey, who's at the door?'' Before Maura could reply a handsome man came into view. He had a clean shaven beard, blue eyes and dark hair.
Maura quickly wiped her tears away and smiled. ''Jane, this is Brandon, my husband.''
Jane wanted to scream, this wasn't how it was supposed to go. She was supposed to take Maura home with her and live happily ever after.
''I've heard a lot about you Jane.'' Brandon extended his hand for her to take.
Jane shook his hand and politely smiled back at him. ''All good things, I hope.'' She forced herself to laugh out loud.
He nodded, confirming her. ''If you two beautiful ladies would excuse me, I have to get to work.'' He pecked Maura on her mouth and offered a wave to Jane.
When he was gone, Jane coughed awkwardly. ''I should probably go, too.'' Jane blinked furiously, trying to keep the tears in.
Maura nodded. ''I really did love you, Jane. I did what I thought was best for you.''
Jane's blood boiled. ''How would you know what was best for me? You leaving was the worst thing that ever happened to me. We were planning on having a family, for god sake! How could you do that to me?!'' Jane fumed. She couldn't believe this, how was this best for her?
''I thought you deserved someone better, someone who could truly make you happy.'' Maura sobbed. ''I didn't believe I was good enough for you.''
''You could've just talked to me, ev-'' Maura laid her hand on Jane's mouth to silence her.
''It doesn't matter anymore, Jane.'' She whispered. ''I think you should go.'' She closed the door while silent tears leaked onto her cheek. When the door was closed, Maura leaned against the door and sat down, her tears flowing out of her eyes like rivers. She couldn't come back in Jane's life like that and hurt her again, she knew she wasn't good enough for Jane and it wasn't fair to both of them. They both went through immense pain the past few years, even though Maura had a husband, she still was hurting. She believed Jane deserved someone better, someone stronger than herself. She twisted her wedding band, she regretted the decision of marrying someone she didn't love, but Brandon was the second best option after Jane.
The week had gone by slowly, Jane had lain in bed all week without eating anything. She was exhausted from crying, exhausted from everything. She was emotionally drained.
She was going crazy; her phone was constantly going off, piercing through her ears with the familiar ringtone for when her mother was calling. She'd called at least ten times the past week. Jane knew it was normal for her mother to call her every day, though. Either Jane called her once a day or her mother called her, if she didn't. Jane hadn't called her for a week now; she didn't want to get up from her comfy bed to answer the phone, having to explain why she hadn't answered her phone for a week now.
She sighed and turned around to look at the safe that was standing on her bedside table, she'd been looking at it since she came back from Maura's house. The visit to Maura had drained her, she didn't feel anything anymore. The crying had stopped a few days ago, when everything in her body went numb. She didn't feel the need to cry anymore, she didn't feel the need to eat anymore, she only got up to go to the bathroom. She didn't care that she hadn't had a good workout for over a week, she didn't care she hadn't brushed her teeth for over a week. The only thing that swam through her mind was how her life was pointless. No Maura, no family, no job, no friends. Her life meant nothing, everything she loved was gone. She used to call Frost and Korsak once a week to catch up, and met up with them often. Since she quit her job four years ago, she hadn't talked to them and they hadn't made an effort to see how she was doing, she hadn't either, though.
She hadn't talked to her father for more than 4 years, either. When she'd moved away she hadn't heard anything and when she tried to call him he didn't pick up. She didn't know what happened why he didn't want to talk to her, just like with Maura. People obviously liked to leave her by herself without letting her know what she'd done to fuck things up so badly.
She punched the code in and fished out the only item that was in there. She stood up and picked up the sticky note that she still had and walked to the bathroom. Taking a piece of tape, she taped the yellow piece of paper to the wall in front of the bathtub, and sat down against the bath. She sat with the gun in her hands looking at a sticky note her ex wrote her five years ago. How pathetic was that? She laughed.
She looked at the gun in her hands, she'd never used this weapon before. It was always just laying around for emergencies, if someone broke into their house. She had kept it when she'd moved away, to protect herself when it was really needed.
She loaded the gun and took a big gulp of air and pointed the gun to her head. Jane pulled the trigger.