Day 1
This world is full of really bad people, people that are not worth much. I am one of those people. The world would be better off without me. I only seem to hurt people like my mother and I am a burden to Soubi. Why are people born? What purpose can be served when in the even end everyone and everything will be gone? Why do I try so hard if it would change anything?
When Seimei died, everyone from everywhere came to cry and console my grieving family. So many people loved my brother. My funeral will not be the same. The only ones I believe will be at my funeral will be Seimei, Soubi, Yuiko, Natsuo and Youji, with the possibility of Kio and Yayoi. Seimei will be devastated; just as I was when I believed he was dead. Soubi will become a zombie again, like Kio told me he did when Seimei faked his death. Yuiko will be a big crybaby as she always is. While Natsuo and Youji will probably giggle and try to poke my stiff body with a stick or something. Kio and Yayoi will take the opportunity to try to comfort the ones they hope to be with now that I will be out of the picture.
I see no point for tears. Everyone will be able to move on. Lives go on until their own ends. So what is the point for anything? What is the point in trying to figure out how I feel about things? I am nothing special; no one cares, so I shouldn't put so much thought into emotions. Numbness is what I disserve. Soubi is the only one who seems to keep emotions pumping in me. He pours a mix of many emotions through me. I hate it, love it, and hate it all the more for loving it. Damn him! Why can't he just let me stay numb where it is safe and comfortable? When I feel emotions, I do stupid things that I know I will regret later in one way or another. Mother's words never hurt me as much as Soubi's sweet "I love you"s do. Why? Is it because I am scared to love him back? It is all too confusing and I don't know why it all hurts so much. Is it because mother says I shouldn't have been born and I agree, but then Soubi gives me reasons to survive and I can't give them both what they want?
I wonder what the old Ritsuka would do if he had to handle everything I do… Mother would love him, so I guess he wouldn't have to worry about being beaten. How would he handle Yuiko? Would he be nice to her? Mother makes her Ritsuka sound like such a nice kid, so maybe he would have many friends and would never make Yuiko cry. Would he maybe even date her? I don't know if I want to think about that right now. So then, how would he react to Soubi? Would he tell him he loves him? No! I don't want to think of that! I don't want Soubi to know the old Ritsuka and not know me. I don't know why though… Maybe I just like knowing that I have control and I don't want to think about what someone else might do with Soubi while using my name and body.
Would Seimei have even had to die had I not taken the old Ritsuka's place? Am I in some way at fault, for whatever happened to him? Would the old Ritsuka have forgiven him in the library and told him he would love only him and be with only him forever? Why was Seimei like that anyways? This is all too much for me to understand and want to think about at the moment.
This world is filled with too much pain and things no one can control, and yet we could if we all worked together. Why is the world the way it is? Because too many people disagree. Yet everyone's goals are the same, self-fulfilling happiness. Bad people do not believe they are bad and good people are sidetracked too easily to make the changes in the world that need to be changed. What would this world be like if everything worked out the way it was made to be and no one could intervene? What was the purposes of everything in the beginning? Maybe, we are never to know.