A/n: This is the first HP I've ever done, and I have no idea why I did it. I think it's retarted. But I'd love to hear what you think.


The Game of Play

[Setting: it is early morning, on a summer's day. Harry is asleep in his bed. He yawns, opens his eyes, and stretches. Reaching for his glasses, he opens the shades on the window. It is snowing heavily outside.]

Harry: (thinking) Hmm ... that's strange. It was clear last night. (shrugs) Who knows anymore! Since finding out I'm a wizard, my parents didn't really die in a car crash and Sirius Black is my godfather, I could believe anything. (closes window)

[Harry walks downstairs for breakfast. Halfway to the bottom, he assumes a shocked expression and nearly trips the rest of the way down]

Harry: (thinking) Hey! It's my birthday today! That would explain it! I bet Ron and Hermione planned the snow. I wonder what else they've got in mind?

[grins and leaps the rest of the way down] (THUD)

[No yelling comes from Aunt Petunia or Uncle Vernon]

Harry: (shrug)

[Harry opens the fridge. We see eggplant, plums, cabbage, a pomegranate, some moldy stuff, purple potatoes, purple carrots ...]

Harry: Hey! All we have is purple stuff! What's going on?

[He opens the freezer. In it is blueberry pie, concentrated grape juice, and some maroon-coloured popsicles. Cupboards contain only purple candies and a purple box of pop-tarts. The pantry holds a basket of turnips and some more purple potatoes.]

Harry: What the -

(Pause)

Harry: Is this some sort of new diet for Dudely?

[Harry walks into the living room, where we can see the top of Uncle Vernon's head over his armchair.]

Harry: Uncle Vernon?

[no answer]

Harry: Sir? Could I please get something to eat? I don't know what's happened to the food in this house ...

[no response]

[Harry cautiously circles the chair, to face Uncle Vernon]

[Vernon is not moving. No breath, no sound at all. His eyes seem glassy and dead as they stare at the newspaper in front of him. We notice Aunt Petunia and Dudely, sitting on the couch in front of the television. Dudely has a spoon full of pudding halfway to his flabby mouth.]

Harry: Hey! How come you get pudding?

[Bemused, he picks up the remote and tries to flip channels. He gets only still pictures. Voldemort crosses his mind and he tries to panic]

[Harry rocks back and forth on the floor, a crazed look in his eyes]

Harry: (sings) Down by the bay, where the watermelon grows, back to my home, I dare not go, for if I do, my mother will say, did you ever see a fridge, full of purple food, down by the bay! Down by the bay ...

(BOOM)

[Harry looks up at the explosion. A large amount of blue smoke is coming from the kitchen. A shadowy figure in a dark robe emerges, laughing raucously.]

Shadowy Figure: Mwahaha. Mwahaha, MWAHAHA!!!! MWAHA - (inhales smoke) *cough, cough*

Harry: Uh ... sir ... are you okay?

Shadowy Figure: (nods) Just - *cough* a sec - (coughs violently)

[Shadowy Figure regains composure and straightens up, raising its arms.]

Shadowy Figure: (in a booming voice) How do you feel, eh, Harry?

Harry: Uh, who are you?

Shadowy Figure: I am the all-powerful, majestic - hey, wait a minute! I asked you first!

Harry: Did not.

Shadowy Figure: Did too.

Harry: Not!

Shadowy Figure: Too!

Harry: Not!

Shadowy Figure: Not.

Harry: You did too! I remember!

[Shadowy Figure laughs a little]

Harry: (scratches head) Wait ... what were we arguing about again?

Shadowy Figure: (hesitates) Uh - do not waste my time with your ignorance, mortal! You lost! Now, how do you feel?

Harry: (shrugs) Okay, I guess. But I'd like something to eat that's not purple or moldy.

Shadowy Figure: Haha, so you discovered the food, eh?

Harry: (suspiciously) What did you do to it?

Shadowy Figure: Oh, I hate the colour purple, so I decided that as long as I was going to freeze time, I would switch all my purple food with yours.

Harry: Why would you do that?

Shadowy Figure: I told you, I don't like purple. It's such an ugly colour.

Harry: Oh. Right.

[Pause]

Harry: Well, since you're in my house and I answered your question, do you mind telling me who you are? Can I at least see your face?

Shadowy Figure: How dare you ask such a thing of me, you blasted mortal! To gaze upon my face, such elegance, such beauty! You couldn't handle it!

Harry: How dare you enter my house, you blasted ... uh ... whatever you are. Just try me!

Shadowy Figure: Wouldn't you at least like to know why I'm here?

Harry: No! I want to know who you are.

Shadowy Figure: (mutters and sighs) Blasted mortal ...

[Snape lowers hood and looks contemptuously at Harry.]

Harry: (looks shocked for a second and then bursts into laughter) Hahaha!!!

Snape: (looks insulted) oh, fewmets, wait a sec - (peels off mask) There, that's better. (Shadowy Figure is now a girl, about fifteen or sixteen, with shoulder-length brown hair and green eyes.)

Girl: (sternly) silence, mortal! I rule all!

Harry: (clears throat and becomes relatively respectful) Uh ... ma'am ... okay, what do you want?

Girl: (ignoring him) First of all, Harry, it's probably a good idea, when some omniscient being enters your house in a puff of smoke, not to be so belligerent about everything. And secondly, my name is Dana R. Luder, and I am the author of this fic. You are -

Harry: What does the R. stand for?

Dana: That is not for you to know. I am the author of this fic. You are totally under my control. I can make you do whatever I like, whenever I -

Harry: (laughs) no way! I don't have to do anything you say.

Dana: Oh, yes, you do, Harry. You should see what some other authors have had you do. Even - (she leans in and whispers something in his ear)

Harry: (looking mortified) No! Not Malfoy!

Dana: (nodding sagely) Yes. Malfoy. And I can make you do worse than that, if I feel like it. Now -

Harry: What do you want with me?

Dana: (irritated) It doesn't matter. You're my character - you will do whatever I command.

Harry: I'm your character?

Dana: (hesitates) Uh - well - actually - you're J.K. Rowling's. She created you. I'm just borrowing you for my fic.

Harry: (indignant) I was not created! I'm me!

Dana: Yes, yes of course you are. Now in this fic, I've decided to have you rescue Hermione.

Harry: Hermione? Why? Is she in trouble?

Dana: Well, not yet, but she will be, Harry. It's all up to you now.

Harry: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HERMIONE?!?

Dana: Calm down, Harry. It's not like she's trapped in an ancient castle, guarded by a fire-breathing dragon, or anything.

Harry: (suspiciously) Really?

Dana: No, actually, she really is in a castle. But all the better for our audience!

Harry: Audience?

Dana: Yeah, see them, right out there? (points) That's our audience. Hi! (waves at you)

Harry: Oh, right. I was wondering what they were doing there. (waves) Hi there!

You: (speechless, because you have been greeted by the almighty Harry Potter)

Harry: (turning back to Dana, sarcastically) So, when do I start this gallant adventure?

Dana: Now. Well, actually, in the next chapter. I can't write much more for you now, because I have to leave for my ferry in about fifteen minutes.

Harry: When will you be back?

Dana: Probably not until next weekend. I don't have a computer at my house hooked up yet.

Harry: (frantically) What happens until then? Am I just going to be stuck here? With Dudely? And Aunt Petunia? And Uncle Vernon? In a time freeze? WITH A FRIDGE FULL OF PURPLE FOOD? (clutches at Dana's robes) PLEASE DON'T DO THIS TO ME!

Dana: (horrified) Mortal! Stop groveling! Grahh! (snatches her robes away from him and wipes them off) Fewmety mortal ... why didn't I write about someone sensible, like myself? I have to finish that story anyway ...

Harry: (sniffling)

Dana: (glares at him for a moment) Fine. I will lift the time freeze until I get back. Feel free to try to contact Hermione. It won't work.

Harry: Does this mean you'll take back all the purple food?

Dana: Oh, fewmets, I suppose so.

Harry: (grins) All right, Ms. Author, I'll be seeing you then.

Dana: Don't feel so lucky, Mr. Potter. Remember you have to live with your Muggle family for the next week now. And my name is Dana R. Luder.

Harry: (pointedly) Right. Of course. I'll see you later.

Dana: Okay. My ferry's leaving now, so I will leave you. (waves her hand.) There. The time freeze is lifted. Goodbye, young Harry ... (fades)

Harry: (opens fridge) All right! Broccoli!

End Chapter 1


A/n: All right, so that was Chapter one -- let me know and I'll post another one soon!