WARNING: DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN'T FINISHED THE MANGA. MAJOR SPOILERS BELOW. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.
Every day, there's not a time I don't think about her. She was my strength. My desire. The reason I was alive, and I left her. I regret the choice of leaving so much every day it's eating a hole inside my heart. All I want to do is hug her, whisper to her, tell her I love her, but I can't. I vowed to myself I would not return until I finished what needed to be finished.
But even then, I lied to myself. Once in a while, I returned to the twentieth ward at night, all alone, and simply stared at the place I once called home, the place where she called home. I couldn't stay separated from her. But I had a job to do. My feelings didn't matter. Once it was over, I could love her all I wanted.
This was far from over. In fact, it was more like the beginning, even though I've been at this for so long. It saddens me, actually, but I could never let my team know that.
Today, though, was a different day. After waking, I sighed, not wanting to get up. I stared at my ceiling before forcing myself out of bed and put on my clothes. I had to visit the manager today. The first day I've actually been inside Anteiku. I took a deep breath and left, arriving in the twentieth ward sooner than I had hoped.
Walking into Anteiku, there was a new worker and the manager. "Welco-" the new worker cut off upon seeing me. The manager took me inside to have a talk. He told me his past, and answered some of my questions.
"Won't you come back to Anteiku, Kaneki-kun?" They wanted me back. And I wanted to come back. I couldn't though. I went up to the roof, thinking things through, and hoping to catch a glimpse of Touka.
As I hoped, she came running up the steps, and our eyes met for the first time in who knows how long. Neither of us knew what to say. I managed to get out "Touka..."
She said nothing. She still didn't say anything. I guessed I'd have to explain myself. "Touka... at Anteiku, I talked with the manager. I have a feeling it was the first time he'd told his story."
"Oh." That was all she said. I continued.
"He told me to come back to Anteiku."
"And...?"
"I don't know. I don't know if by joining the manager, I'll get what I want-or if I can't."
"So what exactly... do you want?"
I clenched my fist. "I... want to protect everyone. I want to protect Hinami, Banjou and his friends, Hide, and you, Touka. I don't want to lose anyone important to me. That's why I pulled out any interfering weeds." I cracked my fingers. That'd become a habit of mine.
Touka seemed sad as she replied, "But who? Who are you going to protect? Who are you going to 'pull out'? Aogiri? The Doves? Humans? Ghouls? All of them? To throw yourself into this endless bullshit, is that what you want? Besides, no one is yours to do what you want with. There is no reason we have to be protected by you. You pretend to care about other people, but in the end, it's all about you. You're just afraid of being alone, aren't you? What you want is nothing more than self-satisfaction." Touka smirked at me. "It's all so stupid"
"You think you know me better than myself?" She asked.
"Yeah. I do." I answered.
"Because you're mistaken."
"Well, that's OK. As long as you're never left alone..."
Wake up. I demanded. Wake up! You promised Hide you'd fight! You promised him, now get up you bastard! I couldn't get up. Even though I was mentally yelling at myself, I couldn't get up. Maybe it was because of the memories. Maybe the memories were so heavy that I couldn't get up.
Why was it all black? Why couldn't I see? Was I going to die here? I was dying, wasn't I?
I was dying, and I never once got to tell her...
I love you, Touka... I'm afraid I won't be returning to Anteiku.