The Dodo Bird and The Pineapple

A/N: Ehem. Hai. This is my very first fic, and it may or may not be a little plotless, since my boyfriend is positively forcing me to write it. But you should totally read his fic The First Cigarette! (revenge, hehe) I wrote chapter four. I really don't know what might happen in this fic, btw.
Anyways. Warnings: This story will contain some slash. Don't like, don't read. Rated T for language, sexual references, a little bit of ick….the usual.
crack!fic
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, but I do own the plot, however little of it there is, and I am the Great Goddess Nikohl.

Harry opened his eyes to find a dodo bird on his head.

"Woah, woah, woah, woah. A fucking dodo bird?" He said, looking up at the ceiling, where I reside, on my bed, at five in the morning, writing this fanfiction.

"Yes, a dodo bird Harry. Watch your language. There might be children in the audience. " Said I.

"Screw the children, I want a fuc-" But he was suddenly cutoff, mostly because I'm allowed to do that.

"There is a dodo bird on your head, Harry, my dear, simply because I want a dodo bird on your head."

"Oh." He pouted. "WELL THAT'S NOT VERY FAIR AND BLAH BLAH BLAH YADA YADA YADA NOBODY CARES ABOUT WHAT IM SAYING RIGHT NOW."

"Wait, what! That's not what I meant to say!" He shouted as the dodo bird squawked and flew into the sun, only to die a horribly, fiery death, that involved much pain, suffering, and dodo bird tears. Which, I am now enjoying a nice, cool glass of.

At that moment, Ron Weasley had finally had enough of Harry talking to himself. Unfortunately, Ron is a non-believer, so he fell and broke his foot as soon as he stood. Then, POOF, he was gone, probably to shag Hermione or something, even with his broken foot.

Meanwhile, through all of this, Harry was still shouting about the injustice of being controlled by a deity higher than himself, especially a female one.

"Harry, you're so sexist!" said Hermione as she hit Harry with a book. Wondering how she got there, she jumped out the window and flew away on her newly formed moth wings, which were rather ugly, I must say.

Now, we must wonder what Ron is up to, since he isn't shagging Hermione like he was supposed to. ….Meh. Who cares. Now we venture back to our main hero.

"Why did you let her hit me in the head with a book?" he asked.

"Well," I began, as a pineapple dropped in front of him, caused by mwa. "it is all because this pineapple is lonely. This pineapple is the reason for all existence. If this pineapple's mate is found, everything will cease to exist, and we will all ride narwhals into oblivion."

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS A NARWHAL?"

"Why, Harry!" I shouted, "I am disappoint." A computer open to a Wikipedia page about Narwhals suddenly appeared.

He started hopping around and getting all excited. "The unicorns of the sea!" He shouted. "I want one now! I don't want to wait!"

"No."

"But…."

"No."

"But I-"

"No."

"But-"

"No."

This went on in the same manner for quite some time, until it got terribly annoying and boring, and I painlessly removed his vocal cords and threw them at his face. He proceeded to swallow them whole, and somehow, in this crazy world of mine, they reattached themselves.

"How could you do that to me? Remove my vocal cords!" he scoffed.

Then suddenly, he fell to his knees and screamed at me that he was hungry. So, I sent him to the great hall, where Neville Longbottom came, smacked Harry's arse, and kissed him full on the mouth.

"Um, Neville, I'm not gay."

"Yes you are" I told him.

"What?"

"You're gay."

He sighed. "I know."

"Now, go snog Malfoy."

He did just that, and rather happily, too.

Neville, however, was not very happy about this. So he stalked over to Malfoy and punched him square in the jaw.

"Gimme back mah man!" he said.

Harry did not want Neville, for Neville is not very pretty. Except, now that he has grown up, he's damn fine.

And so, Draco and Neville began to scuffle over a certain green eyed boy. That green eyed boy, however much he loved Draco, was drawn toward a certain greasy haired git.

Said greasy haired git noticed the attention, waved, and fluttered his long, girly eyelashes.

Harry kissed him, and they had a heated snog and a shag right in the middle of the great hall. Then Snape got up and made out with Dumbledore, and apologized for cheating on him. Dumbledore gladly excepted his apology and he proceeded to turn the whole schools robes lime green and poop brown.

Draco Malfoy was appalled by his fashion sense, and started an all out fashion war. He did not notice that Harry was sobbing.

By the end of said war, Voldemort showed up and proceeded to tap dance in the bright pink jumpsuit that he got hit with. Then, he snogged Professer McGonagall.

She was powerless against his awesome powers of seduction, and could only make small noises of pleasure. All the students watched this, and gagged a bit. One Theodore Nott threw up all over Pansy Parkinson, who slapped him.

Harry was too grossed out, and he forgot why he was crying.

"Why are you doing this to us?" shouted somebody.

"Because I'm bored, and I can."

"Oh."

Then suddenly everybody started doing the Thriller dance, and it was pretty awesome, because they were in perfect sync, and the music had started from somewhere.

Once that bit of tomfoolery was completed, Voldemort killed Dumbledore, and Bellatrix killed Dobby, even though Dobby only meant to maim or seriously injure. Many tears were shed, including my own.

And so Bellatrix died, and so did Voldemort, and all was well, at least for a few minutes.

….

Meanwhile, back in the dorms, a certain cat with a squashed face was cuddling a very important pineapple.

….

…..

….

BANG!

….

…

….

Darkness.

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!"

"The pineapple found its mate."

"Oh. Fuck. Where's my Narwhal?"

_The end! I hope you all enjoyed. It was short, but oh well. Constructive criticism welcome, and flames will be used to toast my letlows.
ONLY REVIEWERS SHALL RECIVE NARWHALS.

-The Great(Loving, Gorgeous, but sometimes malevolent)Goddess Nikohl