AN: Meet the reason we swore never to co-write again. It just kept ... growing.

Spoilers: Character deaths? What's that? I have no idea what you're talking about.

Disclaimer: If any of these guys were ours, we wouldn't be so ruttin' poor. So sad, they always tell us.

Hard on the Knees
by Gatekeeper and AnitaB

Chapter 1

"Well, this is ... interesting."

Jayne groaned and flung an arm over his closed eyes. "Book, what the hell d'you want? I ain't on breakfast duty this week - let a man sleep another fifteen minutes."

"I can see why you might need it."

By this point, old self-preserving instincts had kicked in, finally picking up the implied threat of death in the Shepherd's voice. Curious now (with his cooking, they should be grateful he wasn't in the kitchen) he lifted an arm up and cocked one eye open, blurry eyes finally focusing on the figure at the foot of the bed. After a moment, something else kicked in. "Hey, what happened to all my stuff?"

"I would guess that it's still in your room," Book clipped out, arms folded and his expression that of a man who was holding on to his temper with both hands.

"My room ...?" Rubbing his eyes, Jayne tried to do a bit more focusing on the room around him, which now that he thought about it was starting to look suspiciously not like his. In fact, the place it really looked like was ...

Oh shit.

Very carefully, Jayne lifted up the sheet and reached a hand downward. Yes, he was very definitely naked. And, from the feel of things, hadn't been wasting the opportunity.

Oh double shit.

Hoping that he was going to wake up screaming any second now, Jayne very, very slowly turned his head to the other side of the bed, not at all surprised at the mass of tangled brown hair he found there. The mass of crazy, barely nineteen-year-old tangled brown hair.

There aren't the words.

With the air of a dead man, he turned back to Book. "I don't suppose you'd believe me if I say I have no idea how the hell I got here, would ya."

"Probably not."

"Any chance of a head start?"

"About nineteen seconds, I would say."

He'd seen the shepherd move way too fast for a 19 second head start to be all that comforting. Tugging a sheet from the bed, Jayne wrapped it around his waist and moved towards the door, talking quickly to gain time. "I swear to you, Book, I never touched her." He stopped in the doorway, nearly tripping on the edge of the sheet and fighting to keep covered and moving. "I don't remember laying a hand on her. I didn't do it. I swear I didn't do it." He paused. "Did I?"

"Hmm, yes, Quite well in fact."

Oh fuck. He knew that voice and recognized the tone in it. Jayne turned towards her, feeling fear in every inch of his body. His every muscle flinched at the sight of her. The smile on her face screamed sexual satisfaction. Oh double fuck. River leaned up on her elbows and Jayne saw his death in her kiss-swollen lips and the stubble burn on her throat. I'm dead. Room, locks, guns, now.Hiking up the sheet, Jayne turned and ran for the questionable safety of his quarters.

There wasn't anywhere safe enough on this ship.

000

Hmm.River stretched her pleasantly aching muscles, enjoying the evidence of her successful experiment. Raising up on her elbows, she watched Jayne's nail-marked back disappear out the door. Book turned quickly as if to follow, then stopped. The Shepherd turned back and knelt at the side of her bed.

The concern on his face was touching, if unneeded. Book touched one hand to her cheek. "River, are you all right? Are you hurt?"

Slipping Jayne's shirt over her head, River smiled softly and patted his hair. "Don't look so scared, preacher man. I have to go save Jayne before they hurt him too badly." Another smile and River padded out the door on bare feet, leaving a thoroughly confused Book to watch her go.

000

"Jayne?" Kaylee stopped short at the sight of Jayne clutching a sheet around his hips and running like reavers were chasing him. And it looked like he was running from ...River's room. As she moved brokenly towards the door, her suspicions were confirmed. River trailed down the hall after Jayne, wearing only what looked like his shirt.

Face wiped blank by shock, Kaylee met Book's equally shocked expression. "Was...was that what I thought it was, Book?"

"Yes, Kaylee. On both counts." His arms crossed over his chest.

"Oh." A pause. "Does that mean what I hope it doesn't mean?"

"I'm afraid so, Kaylee."

"Damn." Kaylee started down the hall, then froze as the full scope of the situation hit her. With a vague shudder, she decided what must be done. "Book, you follow her and keep her away from Jayne. I'm gonna go get Simon 'fore he gets into trouble and call the Cap'n." Turning back the way she'd come, she grumbled under her breath, "Not that he's gonna be any calmer ..."

A few feet away, Kaylee pulled her comm out of her pocket. "Um, Cap'n ... we got ourselves a situation."

"I don't like that tone, Kaylee. What's wrong with my ship and how fast can you fix it?"

"It's not the ship, it's the crew ..." Kaylee trailed off, suddenly at a loss as how to explain the last five minutes.

"Kaylee, make sense. That's an order."

She took a deep breath. "Well, Captain, Simon's gonna try and kill Jayne and odds are you should probably go help him."

"Kill Jayne? You're disobeying orders, girl."

"No ..." Oblivious to Mal's comment, Kaylee went over the scene again in her head. "Better stop Simon for now, see what's goin' on. Then maybe you can kill him."

"Simon?"

"Of course not!" Kaylee's eyes widened in alarm. "I ain't lettin' ya hurt the Doc, no matter how crazy he gets. I was talkin' about Jayne."

There was a sigh. "Kaylee, I can't shake answers out of you over the comm. I repeat, explain the problem. Now."

"Um, well. Book and me, we saw Jayne running out a' River's room wearin' nothin' but a sheet and movin' like his tail was on fire, and then River came out after him wearin' nothin' but his shirt and lookin' like she'd just had on less." The words came out all squished together, like they tasted bad on the tongue and had to be spit out. "And when I tell Simon he's gonna kill Jayne." Honesty forced her to re-evaluate. "Or die trying ..."

"Not if I get to Jayne first, he won't." Kaylee heard what she thought was a gun being cocked before the connection cut off.

Damn. Sometimes she wondered if she was the only sensible one around here.