BlissfulNightRain: Hello, hello lovely readers, and welcome to this crazy collab fic with the wonderful SoraxKairi7 (who you are totally going to go check out and follow/fav if you haven't already!)! Just based on the summary, you can probably guess this fic's gonna be hilarious, but be warned: this fic is not for the over-sensitive *cough*Axel*cough*. Also, the rating of this fic will more likely than not go up!
I'd say more, but who wants to start off a story with a crazy-long author's note? Enjoy!
o-o-o
"Mr. Fair, this sucks!"
"Oh, come on, I know you can do it, Tidus!"
The sandy-haired boy just rolled his eyes and groaned as he ran up ahead to rejoin his friends. His teacher looked on and let out a sigh.
It was just another day for Sora Fair at Destiny High.
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, taking in all the usual sensations that surrounded him. The familiar sounds of feet clambering up and down the parquet floor, the screams and moans of students complaining about the pain they were in, about how much they would rather be doing anything else but this, were plainly audible. The stench of humidity and perspiration—what Sora liked to call "teen spirit"—was in the air.
His eyes opened once again, only to be greeted by the familiar sight of the large area he spent almost all his time in as a teacher. There were many names for this particular part of the school, affectionately given by his students. He'd heard it all, from "sweaty ball room" to "sausage city." Although it was amusing to hear their creativity from time to time, he preferred to use the old-fashioned, normal term—the gym.
While the job could get overwhelming every now and then, Sora found that he really enjoyed being a P.E. teacher. Sure, the area stunk, the kids got pretty annoying with their bitching, smart comments, and occasional vomiting, but the way his students' eyes lit up at the end of the period when the bell rang always made it worth it.
Sora took a look at his watch to see how much time there was left in the period until he could see that look on his student's faces that he relished so much. Sure, they were all fussy and pessimistic because of the customary laps they were required to run during the last ten minutes of class (Sora accounted this to the fact that they didn't believe in themselves as much as he did), but once the bell would ring, huge grins would appear on their faces and the atmosphere—despite the smog of adolescent pheromones—would visibly lighten. Because, of course, after reaching the end of class, they all realized that they accomplished all the goals and pushed themselves in ways they never would have thought they could, right?
'I really shouldn't kid myself.' Sora shook his head in amusement.
Before he could determine what time it was, the sound of the bell echoed through the gym. His students stopped dead in their tracks, demeanors transforming instantaneously from glum to eager.
"Well, you know what that sound means!" Sora cheerily announced. "Great job, everyone! Go get changed!"
"Finally!" a girl cried out.
"Thank goodness, we're done with this crap," another girl sighed, relieved.
"Let's get outta here, before the cafeteria gets filled up!" Tidus yelled as he led the stampede of students towards the locker rooms to quickly get cleaned up.
"Happy holidays!" Sora called to them as the students sprinted by, giving him no heed.
With that, Sora could walk off to the teachers' lounge to grab his lunch. He held his head up high with a sense of pride in feeling that he was able to end the semester with that group on such a perfectly high note. So they weren't olympians, but his kids had come a long way. They weren't using coarse language at him anymore, they tried to do as they were told as best as they could, and no one threw up this time. What more could he ask for?
Stepping out into the hallway, a small frown flashed on his face, before it was quickly replaced with a smile. Sure, he missed his students already, but he knew it wouldn't be long until he would be reunited with them next semester!
"What's up with the goofy grin?" asked a familiar female voice. Sora turned to the direction of its source, only to see...her.
"K-Kairi, hey!" He could feel the blood rush to his face as he spotted the beautiful auburn-haired woman trotting toward him, carrying a silver lunch box. He gulped as he mustered the confidence to casually reply. "Just finished up class! Can't believe today's the last day of the semester."
"Well, you do have one more class left today, don't you?" she reminded him.
"Oh, right, I almost forgot! You know I can't think straight when I'm hungry."
"That's true. What would you do without me?" She giggled. Her laugh was always so infectious. Sora chuckled along with her as he shyly scratched the back of his head. "Anyway, Axel sent me to track you down; he wanted to talk to you about something."
"Oh, he did?" Sora began to shift nervously, and it wasn't because of the woman in front of him this time.
Vice Principal Axel was… interesting to say the least.
"Yeah, not sure what it's about, but it sounded pretty urgent." Kairi shrugged. "I'd go to him as soon as you get a chance! He said it wouldn't take too long."
"Oh, okay. I'll go over right after lunch. I have a break period then, anyways."
"Oh, you're lucky!" she sighed. "I'm booked until 3:00 today. So many kids signed up to talk to me."
"How many problems do high schoolers have?" he quipped. He watched the grin return to her face. The butterflies began to beat around in his stomach.
"Actually, you'd be surprised! I've learned a lot about these kids, being their guidance counselor and all. A lot of them are pretty stressed out after final exams and midterms and the like. They need someone to vent to and to help them out!"
"Well, you are pretty great at listening to people's problems," Sora observed. "Definitely something I need to work on. Normally I just roll my eyes and tell them to suck it up. Life's too short to worry so much."
"Oh, you don't have to tell me twice about that," she smirked. Although it was all in good-natured humor, Sora couldn't help but feel that all-too-familiar twinge of regret begin to stir inside of him. "Well, I'd love to stay and chat more, but I've gotta run! Got an appointment with a student in—" she glanced at her watch "—oh, five minutes!"
"You're not gonna eat lunch?" Sora inquired.
"Already did; had a little half hour break." she assured. "I'll see you later, and don't forget to meet up with Axel!"
"Alright, yeah. Thanks." Sora waved, as he watched her smile and begin to walk off. He sighed to himself; as much as he loved teaching and spending time with his students, it was having lunch with Kairi that was definitely the highlight of his day. "Well, at least I got to talk to her for a few minutes," he perked back up.
'What would I do without her?'
o-o-o
Sora stood in front of the Vice Principal's door, not sure what to expect. Axel usually called him to his office for simple errands or just to complain, so he wasn't really looking forward to this. The door was cracked slightly, so Sora poked his head in. The windowless room was quite dim, the only thing illuminating it being the small lamp on Axel's desk. Axel was focused intensely on his computer screen and at the rate he was clicking his mouse made Sora feel like he could get carpal tunnel just from watching. "Sora, hurry up. Sit down. Almost done. Must. Win. This."
"Uh, alright." Sora sat in the chair in front of his desk. Axel paid him no mind. "What are you playing?"
"Solitaire. This game is a fucking bitch."
'Ah, so complaints are on the agenda this time.' Sora thought. He watched as Axel's eyes moved around the screen, fire flashing across them.
"DAMMIT!" Axel threw his arms in the air. "So close! So fucking close!"
"You lost?"
"Yes, I fucking lost. Fucking queen of hearts, man! Dumb bitch was trapped under the jack of spades and king of diamonds, that whore!"
"You must be terrible at it," Sora smirked. Axel glared at him. "So… what did you need me for?"
Axel straightened up in his chair and clasped his hands together as he leaned forward. His demeanor had changed completely. "Here's the deal. Sephiroth has been fired and we need a replacement. I need you to drop your 10:30 class and teach Sex Ed next semester."
Sora stared at him incredulously. "Are you crazy?"
"You know, I was never really one to get into the details, but I'll tell you since I guess it's a pretty big deal. Sephiroth wasn't handling the children quite well and parents were complainin'. Said things about him bringing toys to class that didn't quite belong. Now, I'm all for a hands on experience, but Sora, you've got to admit, even high schoolers aren't that crafty when it comes to learning. In my opinion, Sephiroth had their best interests at heart and I always looked forward to going to Aqua's Adult Play Pen with him to get the supplies. There was this secret back room area for the VIP's that had the most hardcore stuff! You had to watch out for the occasional creeper, but it's one of my favorite spots."
Sora was speechless. He didn't know whether to be surprised, angry, or if he should just let it go and roll with it.
After a few moments, he decided to go with the latter. He straightened up and cleared his throat.
"So…you're telling me that I have to come up with an entire lesson plan by the end of Christmas break?" Sora deadpanned. "What if I wanted to enjoy the holidays?"
"With who?" Axel said almost too quickly, as if he knew Sora wasn't exactly attached to anyone. "Besides, you don't have to plan out the entire semester. Just the first month or so and then plan as you go along. Class is only three times a week."
"Still, it's really short notice. Why does it have to be me? I don't exactly have the experience..." Sora pouted.
"But Sora, you're the bomb-diggity-dawg! Ya heard?! You work harder than a Chinese immigrant on the continental railroad in the 1930's."
"Uh, that was the Transcontinental Railroad and that was built in the 1860's. The 1930's revolved around the Great Dep-"
"See? You're a smart dude! You could figure out sexual positions and anatomy! Bet you already google it anyway."
'Fuck, he got me...'
"It's like I used to say - you can't just tip a cow without milking it first, then run like hell after. Gotta give the kids something tangible and let them experiment a little. In this case, free condoms from the pregnancy center will do. I'll need you to pick those up discreetly, claiming they're for your own exploits."
"Tell me how that is being discreet with my reputation as a high school P.E. teacher?"
"Fine, say they're for your grandmother, but my point is, we need them and we're not stretching the school budget just to prevent girls from auditioning for Teen Mom's new season. That's not what this edumacation place is about. We don't need that sort of publicity. We were founded on the freedom of our forefathers!" Axel yelled dramatically as he got up out of his seat and slammed his hands on the desk. "So, what do you say, Sora?"
"I say you're insane, and it's pronounced education. There's no way I'm giving up one of my classes just to teach something that they can clearly learn elsewhere."
"Like where? The internet? Surely they cannot write "pussy" and "bukkake" on their exams." Axel stated. Sora's jaw dropped. "Besides, all students are required to take this class before they graduate. You know how it goes - three years of P.E. and one semester of sex ed. So go teach those little rascals how not to be promiscuous little sperm buckets."
"You are fucking gross, you know that?"
"I pride myself in my ability to touch people's hearts in the most disturbing ways imaginable. It has become my most memorable trait."
"Ignoring that…" Sora rolled his eyes. Axel felt that he needed a little more convincing.
"Sora, I've been around the block more times than I can count. I've had my fair share of strip clubs, drunk texts and Russian mail brides," there was a brief pause, "but I've learned to just roll with things. I can't do it because I know I will strangle the first child that uses the term "BBW" incorrectly. But you Sora, you have the patience that we need. You're the most dependable teacher here. You get your shit done, son!"
"Why are you calling me son?"
"It's ghetto dialect. Picked it up on the streets. Seriously, man. You need to lighten up."
"Right… and am I teaching sex education or how to be a porn star?" Sora asked uneasily. "Because you don't seem to know the difference."
"When you've grown up in the industry like I have, those things just sort of blend together. If you'd like, I can hook you up with a gig. Surely they have something with masks so no one knows-"
"No." Sora mentally stashed that away as he tried to regain his composure. "Is that all?"
"You will start the Monday classes resume. Have a lovely Christmas and New Years!"
A stunned Sora cursed under his breath as he left the office.
o-o-o
Sora returned to his apartment, eager to relax after an exhausting final day of the semester. Pulling his key out of his pocket, he reached for the door handle, but hesitated when he heard something going on inside.
"Warning, contains nuts? Really, Riku?" A familiar woman's voice sounded.
"Oh, come on, these boxers were on sale!" Riku reasoned. "Now, come on, let me unlock your keyhole, babe," he continued in a seductive tone.
"You suck at talking dirty."
"Oh, yeah? You suck at sucking."
Sora groaned. 'Great, just when I thought I could kick back.' Riku, his roommate and best friend would often bring girls home, so he was pretty used to it. Although, now that he thought about it, it had been awhile since the last time he'd been sexiled. Although the sacred "Bro Code" was telling him to not disturb them, Sora was too tired to care at this point.
Suddenly, there was a loud thud, as if something had come crashing onto the floor.
"WAIT! THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT! AMAYA, STOP!" Riku screamed.
'Wait, he can't mean—!'
"Amaya?!" Sora flung the door open, only to find his very own lingerie-clad sister pinning his nearly naked roommate to the ground.
"SORA, HELP!" Riku cried out.
"W-What the hell is this?! What were you trying to do to my sister?!" he yelled, ignoring the fact that this may have been consensual.
"Uh… it's not what it looks like?" Riku said in an innocent yet nervous tone.
"Oh, Riku, just tell him." Amaya groaned.
"Alright, alright, but it would help if your ass wasn't compressing my lungs! Seriously, it's getting kind of hard to breathe!"
"Did you just call me fat?!"
"No! Wait, what?" Riku coughed as Amaya pushed herself down even harder on his chest.
"You know very well that I can whoop you! I don't know why you still push my buttons!"
"That was ten years ago!"
"Please, just put some clothes on!" Sora begged as he covered his eyes in horror.
After Riku and Amaya were dressed decently, they came back into the living room. Sora was still trying to get over the initial shock that his best friend was having sexual relations with his older sister.
"H-How long has this been going on?" Sora asked uncomfortably.
"Hmm...about a month now?" Amaya guessed.
"A month?!"
"Yeah! I came over here to drop some food off from Mom, and you weren't here, so Riku invited me inside, and, well, one thing led to another and here we are!" Amaya shamelessly explained with a huge grin on her face.
"You what?!" This time, the question was directed towards Riku.
"Come on, Sora. You always knew that I had a thing for Amaya."
"I never thought it would actually happen…she can do so much better than you, no offense." Sora shot a glare at Amaya.
"Oh, thanks!" Riku said sarcastically.
"Sora, I know you mean well, but I can fool around with—no, I'll be straight up, I can bang whoever I want." Amaya deadpanned. Sora nearly gagged. "And, I've got to say, Riku's pretty darned good at it." Riku proudly puffed out his chest. "He gets the job done."
"Damn straight. Sora, did you know that your sister was a little vixen?"
"Stop it! I don't want to know!"
"Oh…" Riku paused, giving Sora a sympathetic look, "Is Captain One Eye in hibernation for the winter…and the rest of the year?"
"RIKU!"
"Captain what?" Amaya seemed confused.
"Amaya, guys have this phase they go through where they believe naming their penis gives them a humungous sense of pride. They refer to their little soldier as one that thinks for them, gets them into trouble and in some situations, out of it. Mine is named Pinocchio, if you were interested. Girls seem intimidated by me for some reason, so they feel like they have to lie to get my attention, yet I still get turned on and, you know, grow. I don't know what it is. I'm a very romantic and caring guy." Riku winked.
"Riku, my childhood! I'd like to hold onto it!"
"I thought the name was quite fitting! Sora, fist bump."
Sora face palmed. "No. I don't know where your hand has been."
"Come on, we didn't even even get naked!" Riku whined. Amaya just stared ahead, wide-eyed, seemingly not sure how to react to the situation.
Sora desperately wanted to change the subject. "A-Anyway, I had quite an interesting day…"
"Oh yeah! How are those little shits of yours?" Riku asked.
"They're my students."
"Same difference."
"Anyway… Axel told me I have to drop one of my classes and teach Sex Ed…"
At first, it was quiet. Too quiet. Sora gave them confused looks, but suddenly they burst with laughter. 'I should not have expected any less...'
"He is... definitely... going to need our help," Riku said as he tried to stop his laughter. He failed as he doubled over and fell into Amaya's lap.
"Agreed! Seriously, have you ever even gotten laid?" Amaya asked. Sora didn't want to have this conversation with her.
"Whoa, hold on, sweetie." Riku interrupted, "Just because Sora's muffin hasn't been buttered doesn't mean he's incapable of teaching." They only laughed more. Grunting, Sora got up to leave, but then Riku shot up and stopped him with a serious look on his face.
"We were just thrown off guard. Bros for life."
"Whatever."
"So you haven't gotten laid?!" Amaya asked again, ignoring Sora and Riku's little moment.
"Even if I said yes, you two would not believe me." Sora sighed. "Anyway, my holidays are ruined. I have to spend them researching the reproductive system and other shit."
"Other shit like crabs." Amaya intervened.
"And chlamydia." Riku added.
"And syphilis!"
"Herpes!"
"The gift that keeps on giving."
"Totally Christmas related," Riku nodded.
"STOP!" Sora covered his ears. His sister and best friend were bonding over STD's, for crying out loud! He couldn't take it. He fled to his room and slammed the door shut behind him.
"...So, my room?" he heard Riku ask through the thin walls of the apartment.
"Sure!" Amaya agreed.
Sora picked up his headphones and plugged them into his lap top, making sure to turn the volume up as loud as possible. 'Might as well start studying...' Since it was fresh on his mind, Sora googled STD images.
He regretted it the moment it loaded. Covering his mouth with one hand, he pulled off his headphones and reached for his trash can, but stopped when he heard the overly dramatic sounds coming from the next room over.
"Mmm...Oh, yes, Riku! Spank me harder! I want to be red as an apple!" Amaya's screams of pleasure were plainly audible from Riku's room.
"Okay, now they're just fucking with me." Sora groaned in annoyance.
It was going to be a long night.
o-o-o
BlissfulNightRain: Oh, before I hand it over to my awesome partner in crime here, just a quick note: Yep, Amaya's my OC. She's a little different here than what I'd picture her canon version to be like, but isn't that the case with every other character? Haha let us know what you thought of her, as well as, of course, everyone and everything else! :)
SoraxKairi7: It's about to get cray. Be prepared for a hefty dose of awkwardness, cute SoKai moments, disturbing talks with Axel and much, much more! We will not hold back, so this fic will know no bounds.
This is my first time doing a collab fic, but fear not! The lovely and wonderful BlissfulNightRain is just as crazy as me which is why doing this together is only going to make it a million times more awesome! Please follow, favorite and of course, review! You know you loved this chapter. It's only going to get better (or worse? depends on how you look at it!).
We hope everyone enjoyed this and had a lovely Thanksgiving~!