Title: And This, Lil' Remmy, Is Why We Clean Up After Eating

Rating: T

Pairings/Characters: [Remus L./Sirius B.]

Warning: Slash, some swearing

Disclaimer: I, Millie, own only the plots of my stories and any OCs I happen to slip in. (In this case the characters and place and other thing belong to J. K. R.)

Notes:

For Pirate Ship Battles: ABS, prompts: Summer, Frog, Chimpanzee, Pasta, Fever, Elephant

Secret Santa (Hogwarts)

Beta: Er, none

Dedication: A very special person.

Feedback: Pretty please

"Yes, you see, it says right here. 'By signing this you agree to be the legal guardian of him, or her, until he, or she, is eighteen and can live on his, or her, own.'" Sirius gaped at the words.

"Are you serious? I can't keep a kid!" Sirius' lawyer sighed.

"You signed the paper. There's no go back." Sirius groaned, mumbled something about stupid fine print and left the room.

When outside Sirius smacked a man holding a baby with the contract he was holding.

"What? Where should we leave him?" Remus indicated the baby. Sirius glared at them both.

"Let's try... our house. For eighteen years." Remus raised his eyebrows and Sirius handed him the contract. "Two words. Fine. Print." Remus read the whole contract then looked up at Sirius and said softly,

"Fuck." Sirius nodded.

"Yeah, no shit. Well, let's get home."

Sirius was one grumpy person. Remus tried to cheer him up, he really did, but nothing would make Sirius happy.

Remus gave him food. All his favorites. Pasta, pizza, meat.

Remus tried to kiss Sirius, but Sirius, Sirius Black, pulled away from him.

Remus offered the baby to hold to Sirius, but Sirius gave Remus a look of utmost disgust and stalked off to their bedroom.

A little while later, Remus got an owl from Albus Dumbledore asking for them to meet together. Remus decided to go so he had to leave Sirius with the baby.

Remus knocked at the bedroom door.

"I have to go out," he said. Sirius grunted from inside.

"I'm leaving the baby with you." Another grunt.

"Please be good. Read him some books. He loves animals. All kinds. Zebras. Frogs. Chimpanzees. Elephants." Grunt.

"And be careful. He might get a fever in this heat." No grunt.

"Well bye." Remus turned and walked out the door into the summer heat.

Sirius peeked out the bedroom. He heard a wailing and groaned. The stupid baby was crying. He stomped over to the baby's room, mumbling, which, evidently, made the baby cry more.

He slammed open the door and the baby, took by surprise, stopped crying.

Sirius looked into his crib.

"Good," he growled at it. "Now, stay quiet!" The baby took one look at him at started bawling again. "No, no, no, no!" Sirius shouted, looking like he was about to start crying.

A foul oder filled the room.

"Is that you?" Sirius asked the baby. He reached other to him and picked him up gingerly. Holding him at arms' length, he sniffed. It was definitely the baby. Sirius fumbled around in his pocket, holding the baby with one hand. From his pocket he extracted his wand and pointed in at the baby's pants.

"Scorgify." The diaper filled with soap. Sirius shrugged. "Good enough." He mumbled. "So what do you do?" He asked the baby. The baby was looking curiously at him.

"You want food?" Sirius asked, brightening at the idea of food. Sirius brought him out into the kitchen and placed him on the floor. Searching around in the cabinets, he came across a jar that said, Thomas' food, in Remus' handwriting. Sirius wondered who Thomas was. It could be the baby...

At that moment, the baby, whose name was Thomas, started to wail.

"Okay, okay! I'm getting you some food!" Sirius looked in another cabinet and came across something.

Remus' stock of chocolate.

"Oho!" Sirius exclaimed, quoting his ex-potions professor. "You like chocolate... What should I call you? Lil' Remmy, let's go with that. Anyway, Lil' Remmy, you like chocolate? Because I have Daddy's special stock here, just for you and me." Thomas clapped his hands in delight. Sirius gave him a thumbs up and placed him on a stack of chairs, so he could reach the table.

"Okay, chocolate, let's have some pasta, bacon, meat." Sirius placed a large amount of chocolate on the counter and started to boil some water. Sirius sat down with Thomas and started munching on some chocolate. Thomas was smearing it all over his face. A little while later there was a little BANG noise. Sirius looked around. The water had boiled over and the lid fell over.

"Oops." Sirius said, but waved it of. He would clean up later. Maybe.

Pasta's was off, but not meat and bacon. Sirius put the pan on the stove and turned on the fire. He started to wash his hands, but got distracted as Thomas was climbing out of his chairs. Abandoning the sink, Sirius placed Thomas back onto his chairs. In the meantime, water was flowing from the sink and bacon was getting burnt. Sirius turned around and stared at the water flowing down. He turned to Thomas with a glint in his eye.

"Do you want to go swimming, Lil' Remmy?"

"Whoo!" Sirius was cheering and Thomas was shrieking.

"Okay," Sirius said, slipping towards the sink. He turned off the water and picked up Thomas.

"Time for more chocolate, Lil' Remmy!" He held up a hand for Thomas and a little, pudgy hand hit it softly. "That's my little boy." Sirius muttered, ruffleing Thomas' hair and hugging him.

"What the hell happened?" Remus looked around the dirty kitchen and at his dirty boyfriend and son. Sirius waved. Thomas mimicked him.

"Hey Remmy!" Remus' eyes grew wide at something on his son's face. Chocolate. He rounded on Sirius.

"What did you do with my chocolate?" He screamed. Sirius turned to Thomas.

"And this, Lil' Remmy, is why we clean up after eating."

"And now you're about to find out what happens to bad little doggies." Remus whispered into Sirius' neck. From outside Thomas heard a shriek mixed of delight and pain. Thomas, though he was small, wonder what was happening. But he would never hear of it until he was much older, and not experience it until even later.

A/N Well do you like it? I may make it into a series, tell me what you think.