"Why? Why is this happening?" Hyuuga thought as he held back his tears. He was sitting on the floor, with his back agaist his bedroom door and his knees pulled up to his chest.
Hyuuga's parents were downstairs, arguing again. The boy had gotten used to it, or at least he thought he did. Most of the time Hyuuga would intervene when things were about to get heated, or if he wasn't home when they argued, they would stop once he came home. But that wasn't the case this time.
He opened the house door to hear them shouting. He closed the door, and just stood there. Watching as neither of them bothered to acknowledge their son's presence. Watching as his parents who were once deeply in love, were now busy throwing insults at each other.
He took off his glasses and put them on the ground. He rubbed his eyes, then sighed. When was it going to end? Would it ever end? Those thoughts clouded his mind. He then thought of Kiyoshi Teppei, the smiling giant who, somehow, was always able to cheer him up. Hyuuga recalled his parents' first big fight, roughly a year ago. It was serious, insults were exchanged and plates were broken. It didn't come as much of a surprise, the two had rarely been talking to each other. Despite that, Hyuuga was relatively anxious. He ran to Kiyoshi's house and was greeted with open arms, literally. They sat on Kiyoshi's bed and the brown haired boy tried getting Hyuuga to talk with, but no avail. As night fell, Hyuuga thought one of his parents would call him. He was past his curfew, and one of them must have been worried.
But no one called. And that was when he broke down.
He started sobbing, forgetting about the fact that his "crush" was right before him. He buried his face in his hands. He didn't care about keeping it together anymore. All he could think about now was how happy him and his parents used to be and how much they used to care about him.
"Kiyoshi..." Hyuuga was tired, so much that only a single word fell from his lips. Kiyoshi, without faltering, had wrapped his arms around the other boy. "Shhh... It's okay, i'm here...I'm here." he rubbed circles on Hyuuga's back, whispering words of comfort into the others ear. The two stayed that way for as long as they could remember.
Afterwards, when Hyuuga was feeling slightly better, he wanted to go home. Kiyoshi had insisted on him sleeping over, saying that he shouldn't go back to a place which saddened him. "I appreciate the concern, but i can handle it Kiyoshi. Good night."
But now, with tears streaming down his face and the sounds of his parents shouting ringing in his ears, Hyuuga questioned the truth behind his statement from almost a year ago. After that day, Kiyoshi brought up the topic only a few times, never asking too much. It was as if they made a silent agreement between each other; Kiyoshi asked the question, Hyuuga gave the usual answer -something within the lines of "nothing to worry about."- and that was it. Kiyoshi never knew that Hyuuga's parents would argue more and more often with time passing.
Hyuuga took his phone out of his pocket. He sent a message to Kiyoshi.
The brown haired giant was at home alone, watching the re-run of a Korean drama on TV. His phone buzzed in his pocket. He took it out to see a message from his long-time friend.
H: Are you busy?
Kiyoshi sat up. What had happened? Hyuuga wasn't the type to text, unlike himself. He sent a quick reply:
K: No, what happened? Everything ok?
H: Parents fighting. Bad. Can i come over?
K: How about meeting somewhere?
H: Park near my house?
K: Ok, c u there.
Kiyoshi didn't bother to change his clothes. He just put on a jacket, grabbed his keys and left. He walked with a fast pace, wanting to reach his friend as soon as possible. He was worried about Hyuuga. Living under the same roof with two people ready to explode at eachother any given moment was not easy. And despite that, Hyuuga never told him about the situation at home. But Kiyoshi still knew that something was wrong. From Hyuuga being so tense all the time to him always giving the same answers when asked about his parents. Kiyoshi could tell that Hyuuga wasn't okay. So now, as he approached the park they agreed to meet at, he wasn't surprised to see the other boy sitting on a bench with tears streaming down his face.
Kiyoshi was walking towards Hyuuga, but Hyuuga didn't feel any better when he saw him. Instead he felt as if he was drowning. His chest tightened and his breathing became ragged. The tears weren't stopping, he was choking out sobs, his cheeks were a shade of crimson, his vision became blurry and he had no idea what was happening. He started shaking. He pulled up his knees. He tried to focus on the brunette who seemed to be miles away. He tried to take a deep breath, but he couldn't. He didn't know what to do. He couldn't even think about what to do. He cried harder. Was he always this pathetic? Was he the reason behind his parents' conflict? All of his bottled up emotions, his doubts came crashing on him. The stress, the loneliness... He curled up into himself even more, trying to shield himself from his own demons.
The other boy saw Hyuuga hugging his trembling knees. He quickened his steps. His brows furrowed. Hyuuga was shaking. He looked as if he couldn't breathe. His face was hidden. In spite of that, Kiyoshi was sure he was crying. As he came closer, he could hear Hyuuga's sobs. He was rocking back and forth. A dreaded feeling came upon Kiyoshi.
Is he having a panic attack?
Hyuuga heard footsteps close by. He looked up, still trying to breathe properly. He was greeted with warm, brown eyes.
"Hyuuga... It's okay, it's just me. You're okay. Can you try to breathing slowly?" Kiyoshi spoke in a soft voice. He didn't want to stress the other boy any further. He was crouching in front of Hyuuga, staring right into the shorter's eyes.
Hyuuga tried focusing on Kiyoshi rather than looking at his surroundings. He was still struggling to breathe and couldn't stop crying. He felt like a mess. He probably looked like a mess too. His hands were shaking more than before. He looked for something, anything to hold on to. He felt so...unprotected, so vulnerable.
"Don't ever touch a person who's having a panic attack without asking and obtaining definitive permission to do so." Kiyoshi remembered that sentence from an article about panic attacks he read. But Hyuuga really looked like he could use a hug. Or maybe it was just his imagination.
"W-what i-is this?" Hyuuga asked through tears. He managed to fix his eyes on the boy in front of him, even though it was still blurry.
For only a second, an expression of surprise could be seen on the brunette's face. Was this happening for the first time?
"Hyuuga, you're having a panic attack. But you'll be alright. I'm right here. I need you to take a deep breath, can you do that for me?"
The shorter boy looked away, then back at Kiyoshi. He gave a quick nod. There was still some redness on his cheeks. He took a breath, shallower than he wanted. But the brunette still gave him praise.
"That's good Hyuuga, keep going. Deep breaths. Slowly. You're okay, i'm here."
Then another breath, this time deeper. Another followed, and then another. Little by little, the shorter boy was gaining control over his breathing. Kiyoshi made sure to encourage him the whole way. A while later, Hyuuga slumped backwards. Exhaustion started to creep on him. He looked around, taking in his surroundings. The park was empty and there were gray clouds hovering over.
The brunette stood up. He sat next to his friend. Now Hyuuga was looking at him with a tired expression plastered on his face.
"Give me a hug."
Kiyoshi was surprised by the boldness of that wasn't really a touchy person. And he definitely wasn't someone to voice his needs so clearly. But, Kiyoshi thought, if he wanted a hug, who was he to deny? The brunette wrapped his arms around Hyuuga and Hyuuga rest his head on Kiyoshi's shoulder.
Neither spoke as they silently enjoyed eachother's company. He's really warm the shorter boy thought. He played with a few strands of Kiyoshi's hair. He felt warm, safe. Safe from his own thoughts and safe from the voices in his head. He closed his eyes and breathed in the brunette's scent. For some reason, Hyuuga didn't want to let go. He didn't want this to end. However, he was reminded that all good things come to an end by a raindrop falling onto his arm. The boys let go of their embrace. Kiyoshi looked at the sky to see that the previously light gray clouds had darkened and rain was pouring out of them.
"Hyuuga, we should go to my house before the rain gets worse." His tone was concerned. He didn't want himself or his friend to get sick. Hyuuga gave a silent nod and they stood up. They briskly walked to the brunette's house, taking cover under trees when they found any on the way. Their trip was quiet. And although it hadn't rained too hard, both were soaked when they arrived at their destination."Where are your grandparents?" Hyuuga was surprised to see that the house was empty.
"They're out of town visiting relatives. Make yourself at home. You want anything to drink?" Kiyoshi was still a big bunle of happiness despite being drenched in rain. He had taken off his jacket and shoes. He flased the other boy a smile in hopes of making him do the same and, well, he succeded. Smiling was contaigous. Hyuuga couldn't help but chuckle. "Something warm would be nice." After saying that, he looked around. The place wasn't too big, it wasn't much compared to his own house. It's plain, no, not plain. Humble. Hyuuga thought. Kiyoshi emerged from the hallway, holding a t-shirt and a pair of shorts."Here, i think these'll fit you.The bathroom's at the end of the hall." He handed the clothes to his friend. Hyuuga wordlessly made his way down the corridor. The tired expression hadn't left his face yet. His mind was still hazy. He entered the bathroom, closed the door and began stripping himself of his wet garments. Once he had put on the dry clothes, he put his wet ones in the laundry basket where Kiyoshi's wet clothes also lay. He exited the bathroom and headed to the livingroom. He found his friend on the couch with a blanket around himself and two cups of hot chocolate in front of him on the table. Kiyoshi had another blanket folded next to him too. "Hyuuga, come here. I made us hot coco and I got you a blanket." He said while patting the spot next to him.
The black haired boy sat next to Kiyoshi, took the blanket from his hand and wrapped it around himself. He sat Indian style. His eyes landed on the drink in front of him. He brought the steaming drink to his lips. He put the mug back to its place after taking a sip. Kiyoshi watched him intently. His eyes went downwards. He noticed lines on Hyuuga's thighs. Thin, pinkish scars littered across his skin. Some of them were faded, some looked like they'd been inflicted no more than a few days ago. Kiyoshi slid his thumb across the marks. He looked up to see Hyuuga's eyes staring into his own.
"For how long?" he asked. Hyuuga looked down. He was embarrased. Not because someone saw his scars, but because Kiyoshi saw his scars. He couldn't bring himself to look at the brown haired boy.
"About a year. On and off." Hyuuga mentally slapped himself. Of all people, that boy had to see. He was so drained that he forgot about those scars. They went unnoticed while he was changing his clothes. He couldn't quite point why it mattered so much to him that Kiyoshi learned his secret. He wasn't one to judge, especially not Hyuuga. "You don't deserve this. You know that right? I don't know everything you've been through but... it gets better," Kiyoshi didn't really know the right words to say. He had heard of self harm, but it seemed like a very distant reality to him. He would've never expected such a thing from the shorter boy. Hyuuga always seemed so well composed. "maybe you feel desperate, maybe cutting gives you some sort of relief. But, um, it makes me sad that you're doing this to yourself." The taller hoped his words did some good. He wasn't thinking too much, he just wanted his friend to stop. "I'm sorry." Hyuuga blurted out.
"I'm sorry i cut. I'm sorry i'm such a failure. I'm sor-" Kiyoshi put his hand over the other's mouth. "It's okay. Don't apologize." he removed his hand. "I don't really know much about this stuff, but there's always a way out. Nothing lasts forever. And, um, i don't think you're a bad person. So, if you feel like that's the reason you're doing this, then, you're wrong," he took a moment to think. "Or maybe... you think you did something bad? You think something is your fault?" he inched closer to Hyuuga and took a hold of his arm. "Well, whatever you think it is, it's probably not. We aren't always in control of things that happen around us. And that's okay. I don't want the person i love to hurt himself."
Wait, what? Person i love? Did i just say that? Oh no.
Hyuuga blankly stared into the other's brown eyes for a few moments. He furrowed his brows. Did he hear that correctly?
"You love me? Why?" the boy was confused beyond words. Sure, him and Kiyoshi have been friends for quite some time. But love? What does he even see in me? Hyuuga wasn't a warm and fuzzy person like his friend. In fact, some would even call him heartless. "Well...um. I-I guess so. Because uh," Kiyoshi started blushing. "you're- i mean i think you're a responsible and determined person. And, um," he wasn't looking into Hyuuga's eyes anymore. The floor seemed much more interesting for some reason. "i admire you in a lot of ways. And, i'm just really surprised you managed to keep all that stuff bottled up. It-it must have been so difficult. But, you've overcome a lot of things," he was looking at Hyuuga again. "and seeing you stand tall through everything, it turned my admiration into something else. I don't really know what it is, but if it's love, then, i'm more than happy to be in love with you." Kiyoshi swallowed hard. Hyuuga's expression was so blank, it looked like that of a person who had just received bad news. A few moments later, Kiyoshi saw the shorter's eyes filling with tears.
"You idiot..." Hyuuga laid his head on Kiyoshi's chest He tightly wrapped his arms around the taller, pressing the two of them together. "I love you too." he sobbed. He moved his head up so that his mouth was in line with Kiyoshi's ear. With tears running down his face, "I-I've loved you for so long. But i was so scared Kiyoshi. Scared of my own feelings. Scared of rejection." he said. At this point, Hyuuga was practically on the taller boy's lap. Arms and legs wrapped around his torso, chin resting on his shoulder.
Hyuuga sighed, "I love you." His hands tightened their grip on the brunette's shirt. The two held each other in silence. With only the sound of their breathing accompanying them. Kiyoshi stared at the view outside his window. The rain had stopped, leaving a clear blue sky in its place. He thought of a similarity between the clouds and Hyuuga. Dark and alarming at first, then after pouring out whatever was in them, brightened once again.
"Hey, Hyuuga," the taller one pulled away, "are you feeling any better?" They were looking into each other's eyes. Kiyoshi still had the gentle expression from before. He threaded his fingers through the other's hair. Hyuuga gave a small but sincere smile. "Yeah, a little. Thanks for everything." Kiyoshi inched closer. Close enough for them to feel each other's breaths. The brunette gently took Hyuuga's face in his hands, "Can i kiss you?" he asked. The shorter chuckled and brought their lips together.