How to Die in Middle Earth 101

by REMdream

A guide on how to die in Middle Earth. Started writing this at sleep-deprived o'clock. R&R if you'd like more. btw These are worst case scenarios. Now follow Mary Jane as she proceeds to make every mistake in the book.

1. Case One: Foot in Mouth Disease

Case One: Foot in Mouth Disease

1. If you are from the East Coast, do remember to say so. They will associate you with Easterlings and kill you.

2. If you are from the South, proclaim it shamelessly. They will take it as you being a Southron and kill you.

3. Say the inscription on the Ring in Black Speech. Everyone will be very impressed and kill you.

4. In fact, if you mention the Ring at all and you'll probably get killed.

5. Don't conceal your knowledge of characters and their pasts. They totally won't get freaked out and kill you.

6. Whatever you do, you have to talk to some Trolls. They will most definitely invite you to dinner, and the great thing is that you'll be served as the main course!

7. Call any and every Elf you come across a "Tree Hugger" and a "Land Lubber" for good measure. They love that.

8. And tell every Dwarf "Yo Mamma" jokes. It's a really great conversation starter. I wouldn't be surprised if they threw you down a mine shaft in pure joy.

9. Also, make sure to tell the Hobbits that they're short and weak. You definitely won't be on the bad end of a mob after that.

10. In any case, keep your mouth open and ears shut. You never know what you're going to say so it'll be a surprise for both you and the unexpected person.