Hi guys, I guess I should warn you that this really isn't a typical Fan Fiction. It's just something I felt the need to write, and a way of me communicating something about myself. So be warned if you are going to read. I guess I should *insert trigger warnings here*
It was one of those nights again. It didn't matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't find that perfect balance between sleep, eating and generally being attentive during the day.
She sighed as she tried to untangle herself from Ezra's grasp, and walked over to the kitchen. She paused to listen out for any movements to make sure she hadn't woke him up. It was around half 3 in the morning, and it was normally around this time that she would give up trying to sleep.
"If I can't sleep, I might as well do something productive, right?"
That's what she kept telling herself. Maybe this was the way her body balanced everything. For every two nights of sleep that she missed, on the third day she would sleep the entire day away.
Food was the next big issue, she only ate one real meal a day, whilst trying to drink as much coffee, and eat as much sugar during the day to keep her alert. That was not healthy, and she knew it. It was a problem she was trying to solve, because food was supposed to be something easier to control than sleep, but that too, was causing trouble.
Aria sat down on the couch with a glass of water, and picked up her journal. She read everything she had written before any of these problems had started to occur, and tried to pin down the last time she had been genuinely happy with herself.
She loved Ezra, she loved him more than anything, and she definitely loved him more than she loved herself. But that's where the problem laid. Yes, Ezra made her happy, being with him made her feel complete and whole. But could anyone be truly happy when they couldn't love themselves?
Ezra made her happy, and that's why she loved him, but did she still have the ability to make herself happy and love herself?
Aria was in the second year of college. She and Ezra moved to New York two years ago, for her to attend college at NYU, whilst Ezra taught at a local high school. Her first year was tough, living with Ezra full time was new to her, but she and Ezra got through each individual problem together. College was okay, but as much as Aria hated to admit, she found it difficult to fit in. She was comfortable communicating with people by all means, but she didn't really feel like she belonged anywhere in this great Big City.
She started to wonder when it was that she exactly lost herself. The first year was hard, but she was still happy. The second year was almost coming to an end, and she couldn't remember a really happy moment where she had been truly enjoying life. She pretended to be happy, because that was expected of her. She was attending a great College and she had the perfect partner anyone could ask for. Her friends were all at different colleges, but they were all still really close. Without any reason she could find, Aria just felt lonely, tired and frustrated with herself.
She didn't want to worry Ezra of course, but part if her realised that he was picking up little clues, and knowing him, he would eventually confront her about this situation and she needed to be prepared for that.
She eventually closed her journal and took a short walk around the apartment. She looked at the many picture frames hanging on the walls, her smile, Ezra's smile and the glowing shine around both their faces. They were happy then. Why wasn't she happy now? Aria walked across to a mirror and started straight through it. She really shouldn't have looked at her reflection, but it was too late. Her cheekbones were sticking out more than usual, and the bags around her eyes were deeper than ever before. She had lost a lot of weight, and her skin didn't even look healthy any more. What was she supposed to do?
People all over the world were depressed, some had terrible lives, and some had perfect lives. But it was never in the control of the person. Anyone could be the next victim. Aria was just looking for another way to survive.
She wanted to laugh without feeling guilty, sleep without the weight, and eat without the fear of being sick. She wanted to love herself as unconditionally, as she loved Ezra. She wanted to make Ezra as happy as he made her. She just wanted to feel whole and complete again.
But that feeling was far gone.