Chapter 1: Lustful Wanderings
Leia had always been a good girl...for the most part. Never partook in any of those sinful sins of the flesh...that was until this night. Leia stepped out of the shower, water
dripping down the full length of her body. She could feel every drip cascade down her skin, tantalizing her, she imagined if those drops were actually the hands of a lover...more
importantly the hands of Han. She smiled, he was off with Ben...he left her here all alone...alone and vulnerable. She thought, just for a moment, what it would be like if
someone were to come in right about now. She bit her lip at the thought of it. She couldn't...no she had to. her inner godess roared as she gave into her temptations and
decided she would fulfil her own desires. She slowly traced her hand down towards her nether regions. She felt a world of pleasure rip
through her, as she imagined a large pale green Trandoshan coming into the room, tearing her towel off then sucking her massive erect wang.
Wow wow wow! What's this? A new story!
The Great Pretender (Reboot)
Chapter 1
"Clown. Yes, my friends. Clown. Nor is it in the plural, as you can tell, not through worries or woes, or anything in between to be precise. No, clearly, these disturbing events have been caused solely by one being superior to all. You all very well know his name by now. I need not stress enough the vital importance of this mission. Whatever will come our way, we must support on one another. Not for personal gain, you see, but for vengeance. For justice. For all that we hold dear. This, I ask in you, my brothers, my sisters...my comrades.
Struggling to hold back tears, Bill Denbrough smoothly inserted the yellowed parchment with fresh ink back into his camouflage tactical jumpsuit. He wouldn't be needing that speech again. Turning to face each member of the Losers Club in turn, he began to rhapsodize.
"Bev...oh sweet, sweet Bev...how I so wish you let me into your body the Sunday
before last...Big, blundering Ben Hanscom, your idiocy never ceases to amaze myself or the others. There's a large heart to be found in you, my friend. Stuttering Stanley the Jew...you always were the true semitic outcast...Loudmouth Richie Tozier, the number of times I so desired to rip out your quivering tongue and feed it to my mother...Small, staggering Eddie, not a day goes by where I pray that your asthma will someday get the best of you while you're perhaps out getting groceries, or milking the cows...and finally, Mike. The only black kid in the group."
Finished with his pep talk, the Losers Club burst out in thunderous applause within the dark cavern of the Derry sewer system. Mike himself committed ritual African suicide on the spot for being black in America, and Eddie simply expired, because Bill had his hand in an iron tight grip around his throat. The remaining members of the crowd, however, continued to cry out Bill's name in ecstasy until it seemed the whole world sang along.
But how did our heroes end up in this particular position in the first place? Well, let's take a peek back through time to find out just how everything went so wrong…
67 Years Earlier
"ChRISt Georgie you fucking worthless scumbag!" rang out Bill in unrivaled frustration as Georgie began coughing blood on the floor. "STOP ASKING FOR ATTENTION, PRICK!"
Georgie had nearly suffocated on his own blood when Bill sprang up, a brilliant idea coming to mind.
"Say, Georgie...you know that one particular paper boat I made you last Christmas? Why don't you take it down into the busy streets?" Slyly inquired Bill.
"But, Bill, I thought that's where-"
His words cut off as Bill's attempt to strangle him out of pure impulse got the best of him. Regaining composure, Bill continued, "It's really not natural for someone your age to be inside on a day like today. Go outside? Frolick. Be a child. Be HAPPY!"
Bill forced a grimacing smile onto his putrid pre-pubescent features and sprang away into the ominous darkness of his bedroom. Georgie was left standing alone outside Bill's bedroom, holding only his yellow raincoat and the paper boat. He knew not what to do. Until…
Chapter 2
Georgie screeched down the wetted street at lightning speed, leaving only a burning trail of ash in his wake. The paper boat was a fraction faster than Georgie. Slimmer, too. Georgie had managed to put on a whole 35 stones last Chinese New Year alone.
Looking ahead, Georgie noticed a small opening on the side of the curb. Using his human gift of sight, Georgie also noticed that his boat was heading towards that same doomed fate! Putting on an extra burst of speed, Georgie quickly made his way to the gutter. But, too late. All was lost to the mind's imagination. Until…
"Hiya Georgie!" rasped a guttural voice from within the sewer. Georgie peered down and saw, what at first resembled a half eaten cow testicle hanging motionless in mid air. "Whatta nice boat...do you want it back?" The testicle quivered with every word it spoke out of it's chapped mouth.
"Uh...yes please…" replied Georgie uncertainly. An uncomfortable bulge was forming in Georgie's star spangled britches. His face was slowly turning red from all the sexual tension in the air.
"You look like a nice boy," the testicle concluded with a roguish wink. "I bet you have a lot of friends!" he triumphantly exclaimed to his audience of one.
"I'm not supposed to talk to strangers!" Georgie answered, his breath now in quicked rasps, his pantaloons barely holding together.
"Well, let's see...my name is Pennywise! Yes...Pennywise the Cow Testicle! And you, are Georgie! Pennywise...Georgie! Now we're not strangers!"
The testicle, just as suddenly though, widened his eyes in apparent surprise at something Georgie could not see. Fed up with the pretense, Georgie made his move.
"Oh GOD that's IT!" Screamed Georgie, positively screeching off his own now torn and stringent leg coverings and hopping frog-like into the darkness of the sewerness cavern below. Pennywise, caught by surprise, let out a muffled shriek of pure and unparalleled fear before succumbing to Georgie's pre-pubescent advances.
"Georgie what would your mother-" which was all that Pennywise could release from his mouth now filled to the brim with what seemed to be Georgie's left ass cheek.
The ass cheek in question, if you'll all follow along, was something so horrifyingly pleasureful. It retained what appeared to be years of cottage cheese surprise from Georgie's very own Halloween Cafeteria party nearly 20 years ago. Broken, tangled pieces of barbed, blackened hair peeked out of every shadowed crevice, and flaps upon flaps of withered age revealed just how frail and unassuming Georgie truly was.
"Piece of junk shop SHIT," mumbled Georgie in a flurry of motion, relentlessly plowing through the now unrecognizable face of what used to be Pennywise the Cow Testicle. Hydraulics echoed from every corner of the tightly packed tunnel. Crows flocked out of Pennywise's eyeballs, and silent shadows raped the reputation of the great clown.
"Grun..kr prUCk!" Penny the Wise let a great shuddering gasp before all went still. Georgie paced around his still pulsing prey, considering his next move. His lightning blue eyes raked the broken outline of Pennywise's still beating corpse, and then, as suddenly as lightning striking a rainbow, Georgie got an idea.
"Let's see how much room there is for another in this body of yours, Penny…" He spoke to the darkness as he unsheathed a great white Bowie Knife from the inside of his ass.
"Look up here man...I'm in danger!" echoed the knife viciously.
Chapter 3
"I-I-It's all in t-t-t-the l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-laugh, Georgie." Bill instructed from his high chair within his bedroom. Georgie stalked the room, but he no longer resembled Georgie. What he wore appeared to be the still intact remains of his former sewer-friend. Though with some paper mache and silly string, Georgie was now a full incarnation of Pennywise, The Great Pretender! Only spoken of in children's books, Pennywise was a great leader from middle-eastern Rome, coming in children's desperate times of need. Now, he was here to exact revenge on those worthless bits of scum who did Penny wrong.
"G-g-g-g-g-Georgie, you kn-o-o-ow what the risk is f-f-f-fore something l-l-like th-th-this?" fearfully demanded Bill, now made the second banana in the presence of this one true, virtuous leader.
"See, Bill, here's the thing," began Penny, his great clown arms flapping with exaggeration in every word he spoke. "The thing about being a clown is, you've gotta LEARN how to ENJOY yourSELF, Bill. See here? LEARN, ENJOY, SELF! We at the Klown's Kommunity Kollege strongly believe in LES with every fibre of our hee-LARIOUS being. Now your turn Bill!" Penny withdrew a crooked knife.
"LEARN!" Penny took a step forward. "ENJOY!" Penny brought the blade up high. "SELF!" Penny plunged the metal up to the hilt with his brother's face flesh. "See, was that so DIDDLY DARN FUCKING HARD, BILL?!" Screamed Penny at his brethren's freshly bleeding corpse.
"Diddly darn fucking right." surmised Penny.
Chapter 4
"First before all, not a single dwindle hall, I shall push my feet to the sand,
And when it's all done, when I've had all my fun, I shall turn back into a man,
Forbidden not quite not, that feeling of dark draught, creeping into the human
brains,
And once again, I will polish my gland, To snort back into the MAINES."
"Penny, The GREAT PRETENDER Y'ALL!" proclaimed African-American stand up comedian Spencer Rice to the audience of Gods. Scattered, rather unenthusiastic applause echoed around the great stone chamber. The pantheon of Gods stood and judged the young subject clown standing amidst them. Would they be impressed with his state of the art poem on "Why natural gas is a detriment on South Asian Society?"
"I think that was absolutely astounding, and this time I mean it!" began lesser God Paul Bourdeau, his eyes wide and twinkling in the dim, smoky lighting of the Indonesian cafe where they all decided to meet. Paul really was an extraordinary creature to encounter during a midnight stroll, perhaps stumbling upon this young foal grazing in the forest, looking for scraps.
"Well darling, I do believe your vocal capaciTYYYYYYYY has yet to be perfected, but really you have improved yourself!" critiqued sex-God Freddie Titflipping Mercury, adorned in his early checkered unitard, surveying Penny with a flick of the wrist.
"I mean, sure, sure uh, the kid uh, has what uh, it uh uh uh takes, but does he uh, have uh what it takes? Uh?" inquired a particularly ill tempered Jeff Goldblum, scratching his scruffed chin in a pensive manner.
"Boi PICKLLEESSSS!" proclaimed Snooki.
"I just couldn't believe it, I really couldn't. I can't help you out of this one, Penny." concluded Industrial Light and Magic CEO Neil Breen, clasping his scholarly controlled hands in front of him.
"I'M GONNA CRAP N SNAP N FLAP YOU LIKE A small pony." evaluated the usual cocaine ridden Macho Man Mr Savage.
"YOU FUCKING NEGRO!" sent out Mickey mouse, waving an exaggerated angry outstretched arm.
Finally, only a single judge remained to score.
"Ahh ha ha ha, yes. Penny. The, uh, Great Pretender, they call you now?" every word George Lucas spoke made his snow white beard quiver with anticipation. "Let's see, let's see...not sure if you have, uh, what I call the "cyber directive", as I so evidently possess, if you, uh watch the critically acclaimed Star Wars picture, uh, the "Phantom Menace", hehehe…" Penny waited with bated breath as Lucas gave him a scrutinizing look. "All right, what the hell, you can join the Gods you scumbag!"
Penny had been set free.
Chapter 5
Penny sprinted to his impending doom. The axe, coming down upon his head, revelled in the art of gravity. Newton was right after all. Ironic.
"Flip, kick, SPRINT DIVE TUCK!" Penny recited his training as he voyaged deeper into the ancestors gauntlet, narrowly leaping across bottomless pits full of what Penny knew to contain AIDS ridden condoms. Penny landed a full forced corkscrew dive onto a painfully thin looking pole, perched near the top, waiting for his next move.
"Uhh, yeah you're uh, doing great you little shit!" Lucas spoke through his megaphone. From atop Penny's vantage point, he could see what looked like Neil Breen's head bobbing up and down near Lucas' fly.
Penny executed a sidewinder scorpion tail flap circuit right into-
"SNAKES!" shouted Penny. Penny hated snakes. Just then Penny realized something important. Something he had not seen before.
2 Days Earlier (By Time Machine)
Penny made his way down the long forgotten street in Derry, rain pouring down on the street he knew so well. He had to be around here somewhere. Penny had been ever so grateful when the Goldblum had approached him and offered to send him back in time where he needed to be. Penny knew what to look for now.
Scouring the town clean of any child vermin that might have foiled his plans, Penny found him. Little Georgie Denbrough, out to play with his paper boat in the rain. Penny's eyes filled with tears as he regarded his former self lose the boat in the sewer. He saw Georgie lean over, and commence talking to what he knew to be that fateful cow testicle. Words from the dreaded conversation lodged themselves in Penny's ears, but he waited behind the lightpost. It was almost time.
Penny saw Georgie begin to rip open his jeans, and Penny knew it was time. Sprinting out into the open area, and ignoring the look of utter surprise Penny the Cow Testicle was giving him from within the sewers, Penny reached down and looked carefully at the name tag on Georgie's underpants. And what he saw there terrified him.
Georgie Lucas.
Chapter 6
Penny stood in absolute shock and mental torment, not quite sure knowing how to bring himself to face the fact that his entire being...every, little bit of his now utterly worthless existence...all amounted to him being some God? Some pointless fupa political figure in the midst of all these quibbles? How could Penny possibly have an answer for this? Well, after thinking long and hard, he finally found one.
"NAKED PILLOW FIGHT!" squealed Penny in absolute glee, launching himself headfirst at Selena Gomez's scrunched hairline. Her eyes widened in shock, jumping ragdoll out of the way and narrowly avoiding Penny's terminal velocity strike. She fell to the floor and sat a moment in complete silence before bursting full of intense laughter, blood beginning to spurt from her mouth with every heave.
"So, like basically, I have this major problemmmm…." began Penny mysteriously, leading the rest of the girls on with a prolonged hesitation, his eyes drifting upwards nonchalantly. Penny's room was painted a pale pink, with white cotton curtains and teddy bears to match. Posters upon posters of Pauly Shore.
"What is it Penny?" inquired Taylor Swift, her face softened with concern.
"Grrmph mfh pNeh?!" asked Selena, blood now positively streaming from her mouth.
"OMG...Penny it's not about boys, is it?" Demanded Justin Trudeau, adorned in a pink dressing gown and head rollers to match.
"Not exactly...see, it involves...Zarples." The girls' reaction was predictable. Taylor fainted dead away, partly because of her undeniable anorexia at this point, the stupid cunt. Selena just gurgled more blood, her eyes snapped open wide. Justin moaned and licked his parched lips before taking another long needed sip of Perrier.
"Penny, you don't mean…" began Justin.
"Yes," answered Penny with a somewhat embarrassed and doleful half grin. "I'm expecting." Penny moved his hands down to his slightly protruding stomach.
The girls all moved together and put their heads together, taking turns to give Penny's baby bunker a small lick and soft words of encouragement. The stomach writhed and turned. Apparently the child was pleased.
"How long have you know?" inquired a now conscience Taylor.
"Almost eleven months to date." determinedly replied Penny.
Suddenly, the girls froze still. From beyond the doorway, the sound of thundering footsteps rambled closer and closer to Penny's domain.
"It's the Jeep!" screamed all three girl hysterically.
The footsteps halted momentarily outside the door before it was flung open with the force of a stampeding bull.
"Did someone order Jeep service?" Slyly asked Steve Churchill. His hands jerked near his balmy shined forehead on what the girls knew to be his second horn.
Chapter 7
Steve inched closer towards the girls with half of his terrible, hair scruffy face hidden behind the doorway. He halted his movement and gave them an intense, wild-eyed monstrous visage. A soft glowing was emanating from his forehead area, and although the myths spoke of a majestic third goat's horn hidden near Steve's hairline, the girls were certain that myth was about to become reality.
"The Jeep never cries, the Jeep never DIES!" proclaimed Steve theatrically to his audience of four. Though the girls still sat in complete shock, they couldn't help but admire the raw and uncomplicated passion emulating from Steve. This was clearly a man of the arts.
"Jeep, sir…" began Taylor uncomfortably, "I have lots of money to-" which was as far as the anorexic cow got before Steve released a bellowing roar, stampeding towards the 45 pound "woman", his head bowed, the full fury of his horn revealed at last. A swift "SWISH" cut through the air and Taylor Bitch Swift's broken corpse lay on the ground, heartless at last.
Steve punctured the heavy silence with a soft munching, taking a prolonged bite of Taylor's minute and black heart. Sour purple juice dribbled down Steve's stubbled chin, and his gaze turned towards the remaining three members.
"So, now that THAT's taken care of...who would like to star in my Sears production of "Le Potage Magnifique" by Steve "Jeep" Churchill?" inquired Steve. Selena let out an illegible protest and began to somersault towards the still open door. Steve snapped his heel to the side, instantly severing her motor functions due to a splintered spine. Spinal fluid leaked out in small, pinkish amounts, and Steve's lolling tongue found every last bit.
"Great news, Justin, Penny...a new spot has just opened up! Whaddya say?" Offered Steve with a roguish smile of opportunity, his hand extending warm friendship.
"J'irai à Montréal pour acheter beaucoup bébés et, après cela, vendre les bébés sur le noir marche!" exclaimed Justin Trudeau in a soft wisp of orange smoke. Now all that was left was Penny.
"I'll do it."
Chapter 8
"Say it with MIRTH, boy!" Commanded Jeep from his high chair, dressed in costume as baby Jesus receiving his very first birthday cake. His soother rested absently in his characteristically drooling mouth, eyes wild from all the electricity in the air.
"Jeep, I've got a very important question to ask you. " Penny began tentatively.
"What might that be?" asked Jeep with a devilish glint in his wicked eyes.
"How did you get the name, 'Jeep'?" inquired Penny furtively. Penny knew not what the Jeep's reaction would be. But he knew he must know.
"Well, Penny, I suppose I'd have to refer you to one of my novels, 'The Jeep', found in Blue Harvest."