[Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia. Poem is mine.]

On quiet evenings, when the air is dry with pity and grief, there are times when Roderich sat alone in his study composing new songs. He would be at his desk, pencil in hand as he tries to write the notes. Yet, on these evenings when he felt so low, he would be stopped by his sorrows and fears in his frustration. There is one thing that ailed him in his heart: Love.

"I don't deserve to be with her." He often stated in these times, his voice flat and hollow but himself teary-eyed. Afraid of his person. Afraid of his emotions. Afraid to waste her time. "She deserves someone who loves her… but I never want to leave her side."

Roderich Edelstein adores his wife, he respects and cherishes her with every feeling he knew. Elizaveta is his best friend and family, she is his wife. Yet… he did not love her the way she feels for him. He loves his friends and family the same, and the feeling is no different for her. However, Elizaveta is the one person he never wants to lose. They had known each other since childhood and every stage in their life, they have always been together.

A different kind of love,
One that I cannot say.
A meaning way too strong,
I fear that I'm the one astray.

When they were 16, it was Elizaveta who asked him out and he said yes because he misunderstood her question. He thought her initial proposal was like their normal outings, not as a date. It wasn't until a few dates after that their friends asked him how the recent date went and he was utterly surprised. Flustered over his mistake, he later went over to her house to apologize for his confusion.

They were out talking in her backyard, sitting on the swing glider with his wheelchair folded aside. In his apology, Roderich included that he did not mind if they could continue dating as he enjoyed them. Elizaveta was more so surprised that he did not understand their dates together but then laughed.

"How did you not pick anything up?" She had asked in her teary joy, "I wore make-up and made myself look girly! Not my normal style like we did with our hangouts."

Roderich blushed in his embarrassment, "I noticed that bit… I just didn't think it was because you liked me… like that." He felt guilty that he honestly didn't consider anything about the dates. Maybe had it clicked before, he may have acted more like a date than he would a friend. He treated her casually like their normal hangout and did nothing that screamed "romantic"— and she acted for a date. He treated her like a one-sided love and that didn't feel right with him.

And yet instead of being upset or hurt, Elizaveta laughed at his confession and he wasn't sure what was funny.

Elizaveta continued her laughter but did her best to calm herself, "I'm sorry. I'm not making fun of you but I'm rather laughing at myself." She informed before leaning on his side. "I tried to be different to attract you more, but you still like me the same."

That made him more confused as he looked at her, "Wouldn't that be bad? I did neglect your feelings after all." She shook her head before nuzzling his shoulder, a blush forming for the two of them as they cuddled on the glider.

"It's good because I always want to be your friend." She said softly. "I just want to be the friend that stays by your side. I love you in more ways I understand."

"Thank you."

A feeling that's not shown,
An emotion I've not felt.
A sensation I've not known,
An experience I've not dealt.

He was 20 when he learned about aromanticism, the inability to experience romantic attraction. As he was leaving college to go home, he had passed a Pride booth and asked questions about the different flags on display, only knowing what the rainbow flag was. When the booth holder got to the aromantic flag, Roderich asked for more information and discovered that he may have been aromantic. Although, this made him more confused.

"I think I may be this…but I have a girlfriend. That can't work together, right?" He asked, feeling uncertain about himself even more. He loved his girlfriend, but he was sure it was not the same feeling she had for him. There was most definitely a difference.

The booth holder shook her hand, "No, it's possible. Aromantics might not feel romantic attraction, but they can still date and have other desires or attractions. You can have this pamphlet, it'll tell you more than I can and there's a site you can visit too."

"Thank you." Roderich expressed before accepting the item and continuing his original task. 'To not experience romantic attraction, is that me?' He would think to himself on his ride home. He and Elizaveta moved into together months ago, so learning this made him a bit nervous.

Later that night, he's confident to say he is aromantic, but now it made him scared.

"Why does she love me?"

I know a different kind of love,
One that I can say for family.
A meaning I know so well,
I'm certain I know it clearly.

They dated for 8 years before Roderich proposed to Elizaveta, however he cried because he messed it up. For weeks he had been planning on how to go about asking her and worried about every detail and everything that could go wrong. They had spoken about public proposals, not wanting to place pressure on anyone. They spoke about not sneaking rings in meals or drinks, for the fear of losing the ring one way or another. They even spoken on appropriate times to ask, to avoid unromantic or unsuitable moments for proposing.

Days before his proposal, he had checked everything he had prepared for the scheduled date and his fears consumed him. In the late afternoon, Roderich had gone to Vash's for consolation as the Swiss really knew how to give advice.

"You don't think she'll say no, right?" Roderich mourned in his worry. He had moved from his wheelchair to sprawl out on one of Vash's couch, the latter at seemingly ignoring the anxious brunet as he graded papers on his recliner.

Where Roderich was stressed, Vash appeared indifferent to his friend's struggle as he had his attention on grading.

"No, I do not think Lizzy would say no." He assured in his calm but brash manner, changing to a new paper. "However, nothing is perfect so you need to stop your perfectionist ideals. Lizzy doesn't want perfect, she wants you."

Sniffing, Roderich looks over to Vash with a pout. "Is it bad that I want it to be perfect?"

Vash rolls his eyes as he places his work down, an obvious answer in his actions.

He proposed to Elizaveta after their dinner date, where she said yes and within seconds of reaching their car— an old man with short shorts walked across the parking lot in a painfully slow strut. Elizaveta can't remember the last time she had laughed so hard and Roderich bemoans that this had to happen on the same night of his proposal.

"Don't cry, it's okay. I love you."

"Thank you."

A feeling of my own,
An emotion I can share.
A sensation that I can hone,
An experience I can't compare.

Again, in his study, he thinks about a comment that haunts him. It hurts. Through all their years together, Roderich had never been given grief about his relationship with Elizaveta. They've known each other since childhood that their friends and family have never questioned their friendship or courtship. It had always been normal for them to be Roderich and Elizaveta. Elizaveta and Roderich. This was their normal.

However, it still hurt when strangers didn't understand them. Him. Why he didn't say "I love you" to her. Roderich didn't believe he had the right to say it. He couldn't make those people understand that he didn't deserve to say those words to her and he was so scared to say them.

He loved her in so many ways but one and it hurt. His fears always won when it came to love, and that was when he questions the romantic type. He could be romantic, he learned what swayed her heart and he knew how to woo her. He knew what made her flustered and excited and loved. He loved that he could do this for her, it makes him happy.

But… he still didn't know if this was romantic attraction. He saw no difference in how he felt for Elizaveta between his friends or family. He loved her platonically or familiarly. She became family, so he loved her as his wife. She is his best friend, so he loved her platonically. However, romantic attraction is stated to be different. The exaggerations of "butterflies", "cloud-nine", and "only one on your mind" was never a thing for him. There were never any moments where he felt squeamish, happily high, or dazed in his feelings for Elizaveta— those were feelings he felt when his anxiety and/or performances got to him. He was positive that was not romantic love.

"Hun, what's wrong?" Elizaveta asked as she leans over to hug him from behind, "Are you having a hard time with this song?" Her voice soft and calming, recognizing her husband's distress.

"No… I just… feel like I don't deserve you." He stated honestly, worried about her answer but afraid to feel it alone. "I want you to be happy and loved but I still don't know…"

"Oh Roddy." She whispers walking around his chair to carefully positioning herself on his lap to continue hugging him again. "I am loved but you don't see it. You care for me. You think about me. You worry about me. It doesn't need to be romantic to be love, it comes from your actions and your feelings. You love me in your own way and that makes me happy."

His tears finally stream down his cheeks as he hugs her tight. "Thank you."

"No, thank you." She whispers in a happy tone, a soft smile on her face as their embrace continues.

"Why?"

"I'm pregnant."

But a different kind of love,
One that is foreign for me.
A meaning so powerful,
I'm afraid I feel empty.

Between composing songs for his concert, stalking up on baby supplies, and taking parenting classes, Roderich felt like he was on top of the world— and falling off it. He was happy and scared and then it made him think of how Elizaveta must have felt and he'd become a doting husband. He'd call and text her if she needed anything from the store, buy her favorite snacks, and then keel over from over exhausting himself.

"Roddy, I know I'm pregnant but you don't need to worry about getting me anything." Elizaveta reprimanded as she gave him a massage. Currently he was resting on their bed after making himself sick from trying to do more than he could. "One, I'll let you know beforehand and two, you know your body's limits so don't push them this hard."

"I'm sorry." He turned his head to face her, though his eyes slightly hazed. "I just wanted things… to be perfect."

"I'm sure, but it's not good to stress your body like this." Elizaveta warned drawing circles around his lower back as she sighed. "I do appreciate you looking out for me, but don't forget about yourself either."

"Okay, I promise."

"Thank you." She said, leaning over him to give him a small kiss, "and I love you."

"Thank you, and not because you're giving me a massage."

Elizaveta laughed with a hum, "Silly man."

A feeling that leaves me broken,
An emotion that's just gone.
A sensation that I'm unhuman,
An experience I've wandered on.

Eventually, the time came when his concert turned up to be less than a week and they learned their baby will be a girl. Maria her name will be, named after Roderich's aunt. He had been preparing for this concert tediously and persistently; listening and writing the music day and night until it was perfect. Even though for years, he was recognized for his years of training and practice. This concert will be the first time he's composed the entire concert. He was known for playing the most renown classics in music history, but this concert will be his own.

It will be his night to show not only the music world, but it'll be dedicated to Elizaveta and Maria. To his family and his friends. The ones who inspired and cared for him. His concert started in a few minutes but Vash, his daughter, and Elizaveta were backstage to wish him luck.

"Good luck, Roddy!" Elizaveta cheered as she gave her husband a kiss and a hug. "I'll be in the front seat quietly cheering you on! I know you'll be great!"

"What she said." Vash said giving Roderich a good pat on his back. "Do your fancy music thing and you'll surely amaze the crowd. Even you name sounds fancy to impress."

Lily, Vash's daughter, gave a shy smile but did her best to be encouraging as well. "You always sound amazing! So, you will be great!"

Though he was never doubtful of his abilities, his nerves still got him so hearing his close ones be so supportive helped him feel more at ease. He smiled at them, heart pounding but in a good way. He was excited and he was nervous, but more so he had his confidants.

"Thank you."

We had a different kind of love,
One that I cannot describe.
Her meaning may have differed,
Though I'll never leave her side.

"THE STAGE LIGHT FELL!"

…Something wasn't right… He had his music sheets… his piano tuned… wheelchair secured… the lightning seemed fine… He remembers playing all his pieces… There were no mistakes… He heard the crowd cheer… he went to bow… then… then… a scream… screams…

"RODERICH!"

His head hurts… He couldn't see… Blood… He felt tingly… He couldn't… thi…nk… Hot feeling… Cold feeling… Pain…

'w-wasn't…perfect…sorry…'

Our feelings may've been different,
Just as the feelings we went through.
But the sensations were so pleasant
To my closest experience to an…

"Eliz…avet…a…Ma…ri…a"

"I Love You."

.

.

.

In the night, a woman cries in front a mysterious man. She tries to calm herself but she can't, it's been months but the feelings never leave. She can't do this alone, she can't do this by herself. Roderich… he's… gone. Vash… he's sick… She can't take care of Maria and Lily by herself. She's… heartbroken…

"M-Mr. Kirkland. P-please, I heard you could help others… through magic."

[A/N: This was story was originally posted on October 1st, 2017 for my Hetalia ask blog on tumblr, ask-voodootalia. I am not plagiarizing myself and the poem is also written by me.]